Songs from the Year of Our Demise.

Jon Auer's record release show is April 27th in Seattle, WA at The Sunset Tavern, and there will be a show the next day in Portland, OR at Towne Lounge.

Back in my little town...

Darian and I were going through my old yearbooks mostly so we could make fun of all of the wall of hair people in the late 80's/early 90's. There were plenty of girls with The Claw on the top of their heads and spiral perms. (It was a sad time for hair.)

We were flipping through all of the senior pages. They were filled with people making quotes such as "Carpe Diem" and "Party on dudes!" and whatever other typical quote you might expect. Everyone had either a half page or a full page filled with nicely typed out poems and baby photos juxtapose to senior photos.

Then we got to my page. (I will scan it in at some point if I get around to it)
I took my half page and turned it into a collage of photos and drawings and doodles. It is pretty hard to miss as it is the only one like it.

My senior quote, which means something entirely different to me now than it did then:

“It is folly to expect men to do all that they may reasonably be expected to do”
-Richard Whately

Give me my magic beans.

Memory triggers. I have so many of them.
Certain actions, flavors or scents remind me so vividly of people or things sometimes. Today the trigger is coffee.

I have been having a love affair with coffee since I was 15 when my first boyfriend took me to my first cafe'. It was this little cafe' in the middle of Nordstom in downtown Anchorage. (I know, by Seattle standards this hardly counts as a cafe' but this was Alaska in 1989. It was a cafe'. ) I loved that place and I was so crazy about the boy.

Coffee or tea was $0.25. You dropped a quarter in a little cup and helped yourself. All of the "alternative" kids would congregate there after school or when they were skipping school. There was always someone writing or drawing in a journal. There was always political commentary about what was happening in the world, where the next protest would be, the next dance and so on... It was a safe haven for all of the misunderstood kids, the misfits if you will.
For some of them it was the only place they would feel accepted all week, a place to detox from the bullies at school. For a long time it was a secret, almost magical, home away from home "where everybody knew your name". The irony that the cafe' was set up smack in the center of a store known for propagating conformity was not lost on any of us.
Eventually security started to run us out of the cafe'. They didn't like the look of all the strange hair colors and white makeup and lipstick on boys I guess. They said it was not the sort of clientele they were looking for.

The boy is no longer alive, but I still think of him and that magical time sometimes when I am having my morning coffee.
I have to wonder what he would be doing right now if he were alive. What would he think about what I am doing with my life? Would he be married? Would he have kids? Would we still be friends?

If he had not died would I still think of him while sipping my morning coffee?


Goodbye my friends.
I hope I get the chance
to know you again,
someday.

But not too soon
because I've got a lot to do
to make up for all of your
lost time.

Did it hurt when you finally let go?
Or was it in the blink of an eye?

Well, I need to know
so I won't afraid when my time comes to
be with you again.

I miss you.

-JD's Song DJL

After turning on the news & seeing nothing but pain for the last 72 hrs...

This was just the shot in the heart I needed.

We’re all equal in the face of what we’re most afraid of...

On Saturday morning something jerked me out of sleep at a few minutes before 7AM. I didn't think anything of it then.
Around 10AM I got the first call.
Did you hear anything?
Do you know anything?
Was it close to you?

I went up the street a few blocks and confirmed there was major police activity happening up the road.
My relatives had been calling all day, I guess that happens when your neighborhood and street make national news.
A lot of my relatives have not seen me since I was a teenager so in their minds I am still the little goth/punk girl who would have been at one of those parties.
The truth? The latest confirmed victim was only 3 years older than my own daughter. I'm looking at this heartbreaking tragedy not only through the eyes of someone who would have easily been at one of these parties ten years ago and know what types of bonds these kids have, but mostly through the eyes of a mother who can't understand what would make someone do something like this. I can't even begin to fathom what the parents of these kids must be thinking. I try to put myself in their place in my head and I just cry, want to be sick, and want to put my daughter under lock down indefinitely. I know that is impractical, but nothing about the events of this weekend were practical or logical. I don't think there is anything that could've been done to prevent it either. I don't blame the rave. I hope it helps with stricter gun control laws, but who knows if even that would make a difference?
I question the age of some of the kids who were at a party at 7AM, but then I remember when I was 15 and how I would tell my parents I was going one place and I would really end up staying at places very similar to the house where this particular party took place.
With each generation our young people get older, are faced with bigger problems, more temptations and more pressures. I doubt many of the parents of kids who were at the party really knew that their kids were there. They probably thought they were staying the night at friend's houses.
It is a part of youth, a right of passage if you will, to sneak out and get into a little trouble. To stretch your wings and try things out for yourself. Most of the time the kids don't find themselves in potential war zones or in the center of history making violence.
This is the kind of thing that parent's nightmares are made up of. This is the kind of thing that will haunt me forever. I will think of it every time my daughter leaves the house for her remaining teenage years. The same way I remember that little 11 year old girl snatched outside of the car wash walking home in broad daylight and later found dead, when my daughter begs to walk to the store on her own. Or Adam Walsh who's story has haunted me since I was younger than he was when he disappeared and who I think of every time my daughter tries to leave my sight in a grocery store even now. Or how I think of the children of Columbine every time I send my baby to school.
The ghosts of these kids will pepper every decision I make from now on whether it is conscious or not. I will think of them in 6 years when my daughter asks to go to a dance or a party on her own. I will think of them when I am considering letting her have her own car and the freedom that goes with it.
My heart goes out to their mothers.


"When the moment strikes
it takes you by surprise and
leaves you naked in the face of death and life
there is no righteousness in your darkest moment
We’re all equal in the face of what we’re most afraid of
And I’m so sorry
for those who didn’t make it
and for the mommies who are left with their heart breaking
Search for meaning in sores
The sentences they might form
It’s the grammar of skin
Peel it back, let me in
Look for hope in the dark
The shadow cast by your heart
It’s the grammar of faith
No more rules, no restraint"
-Sleater-Kinney

Wow! There are not words....

I woke up to find this information in the news this morning. So far from what friends have told me this happned about 6 blocks up the street from me. God I hope I don't know any of these people. My heart goes out to their families.

From Seattle PI:
Saturday, March 25, 2006 · Last updated 10:07 a.m. PT
Seven people dead in Seattle shooting
By JACKSON HOLTZ
ASSOCIATED PRESS WRITER

SEATTLE -- Six young people were shot death early Saturday in a home and the alleged gunman committed suicide when confronted by police outside, authorities said.

Three other victims were taken from the Capitol Hill neighborhood east of downtown to a Seattle hospital for treatment, said police spokesman Rich Pruitt. Two of the three injured have critical injuries, he said.

"It's one of the largest crime scenes the city has ever had," said Seattle Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske.

He said an officer in the neighborhood heard shots fired at just after 7 a.m. When Officer Steve Leonard arrived on the scene he found one person staggering out of the house with a gunshot wound.

The officer confronted another man with a shot gun, told him several times to put the weapon down, and then the man turned the shotgun on himself and fired a fatal shot, Kerlikowske said.

Police believe the shooting happened at a party in a rental home and the dead are all in their early 20s. They do not believe the gunman lives in the area.
Saturday, March 25, 2006 · Last updated 10:07 a.m. PT

a pillowman in garden state

Pillowman was by far the best play I have seen in Seattle. It was dark, creepy and the writing was stellar! I was so caught up in it I almost forgot I was watching a play. I think I might go see it one more time while it is in Seattle. I am encouraging all of my friends to go see it so I can talk to them about it. I won't go into too much detail because I don't want to ruin it for anyone.

In other news my gerbils have created their own little clan and soon will take over the apartment. We have four babies that have been old enough to give away for about a week now, but I'm having a hard time letting them go. Now we also have three more little pink babies that were born five days ago.
And yes, the movie Garden State has been mentioned more than several times to me thankyouverymuch.

Oh and another new song to record this weekend, here are the lyrics:

I want to write a book about you
and all of the things you did to make me angry
or crazy
or to hurt me

Then I want to turn it on its side and look at it from a different perspective
a new point of view
over you

I want to tell you that I know
all about it
what you said to her
how you called her out.
When you didn't think I was looking.
I'm always listening
and your whispers are more like shouting
when I'm standing too close not to hear.

I want to take a picture of the moment they come
to take you away,
the look on your face.
The shock of leaving this place
still lingering there.
Hanging like that faded old Poloroid
in the broken frame
that didn't quite fit.

You would think we would've taken the hint.
It's just like us
always the wrong size.

You are the party that makes me feel my age

Tonight I am going to see Pillowman. I'm super excited as it has been getting pretty awesome previews.
It's opening night so that makes it extra fun. There's always a certain underlying vibe of pure excited energy at the opening night of any production.
I love getting all dressed in the perfect little black cocktail dress, doing my hair in a knot and wearing pearls to the theatre. It reminds me of playing dress up when I was a little girl. I think playing dress up is the closest I will ever get to really being a "grown up" and that is just fine by me.

Astrology calls me a Lion born in the Year of the Tiger.

Maybe that would mean something if I believed in astrology.

Have you ever pet a cat and it was all happy and purring and then for no other reason than to just do it, you start to pet the cat backwards and it's mood changes damn near instantly?
If you know what I am talking about, you have a pretty good idea of what kind of mood I am in right now.
I am the cat that has been pet backwards.

I feel like being petulant. I think "Because I said so! Neener, nanner, nooner!" should be a perfectly acceptable answer to people when they ask me stupid questions today.

It is Tuesday. Let the games begin.


a little lost DJL action:
It's hard to look up
when you live on the down side most of the time
and timing is never right when you look for what's wrong
with everything
my hands are not clean
but yours never were either
you've always been better at hiding those kinds of things
than me
and my dirty hands

It's Buzzcity Talking

Things that are better than talking:

Slow dancing. I am a true believer in slow dancing. Always have been. Especially the impromptu kind where the music is in your heart and head.

Kissing. A much better use for mouths, always.

Writing. It is like talking but you get the opportunity to think before you express yourself and avoid saying stupid things that you will later regret.

Hugging. Like an abbreviated slow dance and can be more intimate than a kiss depending on how it is done.

Singing/Poetry. Write a song that says everything you ever wanted to say but never could. One of the few genres where you can tell all of your secrets to the whole world and people will just assume they are pretty lies in the name of art.

Make a mix tape. Every song tells a story.

Movies. We are raising a world full of voyeurs. Sometimes it is easier to watch life than it is to participate.

Making lists. Best way to organize thoughts and quiet the static.

Daydreaming. My favorite escape.

Hard to Hold

So it is almost 5AM and I am still awake. I had a wonderful day hanging out with Nenu. We went shopping for shoes, I came home with everything but shoes. I don't know who is hiding all of the cute shoes in Seattle, but they are doing a good job of keeping them hidden. Everything was either far too ugly or they looked like some sort of strange torture device. No thanks.

Later I came home and invited Jon to come out and have a drink with Nenu and I since they have not spent a proper amount of time together ever really. She and I spend a lot of time together when he is out of town and his trips home have not exceeded 3 weeks since last July so when he is home I usually just hang out with him. Since he is actually going to be home a little longer than 3 weeks this time I thought maybe we should all go out together. Well, that did not go so well.
We ended up stopping at a new place on the hill long enough to get one drink and he wanted to go meet with his bandmates. We dropped him off and headed up the hill. Nenu and I hung out and chatted at our place and played on the computer until Jon came home around 1AM and she headed home.
Seems Jon had a pretty good time out as he looked really tipsy.
The night took a really strange turn which led to some really silly bickering. In the midst of it all I was getting ready for bed and took my drugs that I take before bed to fix the fact that I'm insulin resistant.
The moment I swallowed them I remembered something that I didn't before I swallowed them because I was too distracted by the inane bickering. I ALREADY TOOK THEM AN HOUR BEFORE! Shit.
So now my blood sugar is all crazy, which is making me feel just oogy. It isn't dangerous unless I do it all of the time, but it sucks for many reasons. One being the fact that I have chills and I feel like I'm freezing. I'm thirsty but I can't get enough water to drink and I'm amped in a way that I feel like I drank a pot of coffee and I can't sleep. Sucks.

I am sitting here watching a really epic commercial hosted by Rick Springfield (My big 4th grade crush) for a collection called Songs of the 80's. I feel like I am reliving my childhood in sound bites.

I'm sure when I finally crash tomorrow I am going to feel like uber crap. I am also sure that there is no way Jon will be in any shape to go into the studio which is a major bummer because I have been looking forward to it all week. Part of me is hoping that he will shake it off and somehow still be ready to record in a few hours. I have a feeling I will still be awake.

Built to Spill

I just got an email where someone said they liked the name of my blog. They told me it would make a good lyric. My answer was "It is a great lyric from one of my favorite bands"
I guess I just assumed everyone knew that.

Anyhow, here are the words to the song that my blog is named after:

Car (From the record There's Nothing Wrong With Love)-

You get the car
I'll get the night off
You'll get the chance to take the world apart and figure out how it works
Don't let me know what you find out
I need a car
You need a guide
Who needs a map
If I don't die or worse I'm gonna need a nap
At best I'll be asleep when you get back
I wanna see it when you find out what comets, stars, and moons are all about
I wanna see their faces turn to backs of heads and slowly get smaller
I wanna see it now

I want specifics on the general idea
I wanna think what I should know
Want you to do me what to show
I wanna see movies of my dreams
I wanna see movies of my dreams
I wanna see movies of my dreams
I wanna see movies of my dreams
I wanna see it when you get stoned on a cloudy breezy desert afternoon
I wanna see it untame itself and break its owner
I wanna see it now
I wanna see it now

Things I learned from watching late night television:

Mccauley Culkin calls his penis Floyd.
I have a huge crush on Conan O'Brien. (He is really tall and really funny what more could a girl ask for?)
It only costs $240 to help a child with a cleft pallet.
They rerun all of the best old movies and television shows around 3AM.
There are certain channels that must be avoided at all costs after a certain hour. I saw something on my screen that I could have gone my whole life without seeing. Now it's burned in my brain. Eww. I didn't know public access went so *blue* after hours.
Actors in infomercials have dead eyes and big smiles.
and
No matter what channel you fall asleep watching, you will inevitably wake up with some crazy religious programming screaming at you giving you apocalyptic nightmares.

I don't want to change the world, I'm not looking for a new England

Last night I had another band practice with Nenu. We have started discussing band names.
If you have any ideas send them my way please... I have a few ideas, but nothing solid yet. Things that sounded good after a few drinks don't sound so pretty this morning.

I’m going back in the studio this weekend to work on more songs and fix the one that I started last weekend. Hopefully I’ll have something ready for public consumption by Sunday night. I would love to not go to work for the next week and lock myself down at the studio until I came out with a finished product. It is where my head is anyhow. I am completely consumed by it.

Beware of the Ides of March

I just realized what today is. It is the anniversary of the day I almost got married to someone I didn't love.
I came to my senses and backed out at the last minute. People had taken time off work, tickets were booked, dresses had been purchased, ceremonies written, invitations in the process of being printed and then I had a moment of clarity. (The moment of clarity happened in a closet at a party of all places.) I went home and ended it the next day.
Had I gone through with it I would have left him and been divorced before our first anniversary. I know myself well enough to know this much.

The funniest things almost happen when we choose to sleepwalk through life...

Sometimes I almost feel just like a human being…

I have been writing a lot of really strange emails this morning. Not strange as in creepy, but strange as in a lot of heavy thought involved before my first cup of coffee. It is welcome, gets the sludgy grey matter moving upstairs.

Jon and I have had a few nights of what I like to call the “insomniacs revolving door”. We sleep in shifts. I will fall asleep sort of early and wake up sometime in the middle of the night. He will be in the living room passed out with some DVD intro stuck on repeat. I will go to turn it off which will wake him up. He will go to bed but then I am awake. So then I am out watching late night television until the sun comes up. We can go around and around like this for days. It puts a new spin on ‘two ships passing in the night’ for me. It is nice to share sleeping issues with someone though. In the past my lack of being able to sleep through the night was a major point of contention for other people who have tried to cohabitate with me.

Last night I caught what I like to refer to as a cry-o-mercial. It was for Operation Smile. It is the one where they find these broken babies and they put them back together. My heart goes out to them. Every time I see it I just want to get on a plane and hug them all.

I’m bummed that I didn’t go into medicine. Why did I go to art school? I know; I was following the dream. (More like I was doing what came easiest.) I started school when my daughter was two. As a single mom I knew I had to take it easy because I didn’t have much time for studies between going to school full time, working part time and being in a band. So I went to art school. It was fun, but probably not the best choice in the long run.

My step-dad went to medical school when he was older. I try to keep that in mind. I told Darian that maybe we can go to college together. She seems to think that is a good idea (for now).

Giving you good reviews in modern press...

OK, so I just got the best review ever from the lovely *Mira who was persistent and made me tell her where my secret song is hiding. After what she wrote back I feel I can retire from music as I could never again hope to ever have anyone give me a better review. I don't totally believe her, but I sure love her for saying it. I seriously owe this girl a big kiss when she gets to the states!

(*I hope she doesn't kill me for re-posting her email here, but I have to so the next time I am feeling all down I will know where to find it.)

M:
Wow, I'm all tingly in the back of my neck from your
sweet voice. That is a beautiful song and your voice
sounds like an orchid, delicate and vulnerable... I
love it, love it, love it! You are absolutely crazy to
think that this is a "really rough" demo.

The chorus is perfect and the melody just dances
so lightly down those notes. I know a little of the
story so the lyrics really resonate.

Wow, what a wonderful feeling :)

Good work Red! Encore, encore!!!

Pictures of You...

I was up late last night going through old photo albums. I have one for each year and each phase of my life. This last year has been all recorded on digital film. At some point I will have to go into flickr and pick out the best and order enough to fill an album.
The thing that started to depress me while strolling down memory lane was the high number of friends who appear with me in those pages who are no longer alive. These are people who were my age, in my peer group. They have all been taken out by random/drunken car accidents, rare cancers, suicide and random acts of violence. If I never go to another funeral again for someone under 30 I will be happy.
There was a long time where I didn't even want to care about anyone anymore or be close to them because I didn't think I could handle saying goodbye forever to another person. I found it easier to keep people at a safe distance than it was to risk losing them.
It has been over a year since I have lost someone that I loved and I find myself in a place again where someone I know is barely clinging to life. I am hoping for the best, praying for a miracle and all of that. I have not given up hope.
I will say, if all of this death has taught me anything, it would be this:
When life hands you opportunity, don't let fear stop you. Just don't. Say what you need to say, do what makes you happy and don't put off living your life for anything or anyone ever.

Pop music of the future...

I spent my Sunday In a dark studio in the Sodo area of Seattle recording my first demo in about a billion and a half years. Things went well for the most part. We could only run through the vocals once before a loud metal band started playing next door so we were not able to fix the parts I would like to have fixed.
I've never recorded vocals with Jon before, so I was nervous. I can tell when I listen to the playback as I have a certain amount of pitchy vibrato on certain words that only comes with nerves. It is one thing singing and playing at home all day, it is another thing doing it for keeps.
He says he's looking forward to recording some more in the coming weeks. Jon thinks it's good enough to post as a rough demo on the internet for my friends to hear. I think most of my friends are such uber talented musicians that I won’t be posting any rough anythings for them to hear… I found a compromise.
The demo has been posted on the World Wide Web. Where you ask? Let’s just say that it is my secret. ;-)

new band, new songs, new words....

I am going to go into the studio with my husband today and record this new song I wrote last weekend. I am very excited and nervous all at the same time. It is the first thing I have written since Song Noir on Jon's new solo record. (I wrote the music and lyrics on the verses he finished it by adding the choruses, not to mention performing it a billion times better than I ever could have.)
The song I am recording today is one that I wrote all by myself. If you know me at all, you know that I love to write music but I am a total chicken when it comes to actually performing my own music. This year I am going to get over that. (At least that is the plan)
So here are the lyrics to the songs that I wrote last weekend and am recording today. Maybe I will post the MP3 of the song if I don't hate it (don't hold your breath)

The Eve Before my wedding day
The one that never came
The Frame for all your hopes and fears

Left Misshapen in its wake
Finding use for my heartache
In the music that we made

I’m not sorry for your pain
I won’t take the blame
I fell in love with someone new
Who wasn’t you
It was never you
It’s never you
It’s never you…

Shouldering the weight of it all
When time gives us time to think and fall
The hours stretch and drag on slowly

As my good humor fades
All the while seeing shades of hope
That in time this play will end for me

I’m not sorry for your blame
I won’t take the pain
I fell in love with someone new
Who wasn’t you
It was never you
It’s never you
It’s never you…

This is my last kiss and tell
From the years I spent in hell
Its my side
of the story of our lives…

I’m not sorry for your pain
I won’t take the blame
I fell in love with someone new
Who wasn’t you
It was never you
It’s never you
It’s not you
It’s not you…

If eyes were made for seeing, Then Beauty is its own excuse for being

I was thinking about the times in my life that I was blown away by the scenery. When there was something magical about the things my eyes were drinking in. I'm going to try and compile a list of these places.

My favorite places in the world:
1-Cathedral of Barcelona (La Seu)-
There was certainly a lot of eye candy in Barcelona, but this was one of my two favorite places in all of Spain and in all of the world (thus far). We went back to the Barcelona Cathedral two times during our short honeymoon trip because we were so impressed with it.
Not to be mistaken with the Gaudi cathedral (Which is usually the tourist's favored cathedral in Barcelona ). To me The Gaudi seemed like a monument to someone's insanity, it didn't really move me the way that the cathedral in the square did. It was cool, but doesn't make the list.
Cathedral of Barcelona brought me to tears twice. There was a children's choir singing the second time we went and I just sat quietly in one of the pews and listened to everything around me. I started to think about all of the people who have been through there. All of the people without hope, ready to give up, looking for sanctuary. You could still feel them there. I've never had such an emotional response to a place in my whole life.
It is one of those places if you have an opportunity to go to alone, sit with your thoughts and allow yourself to be open to it you might learn something about yourself. I will go back to Barcelona again if it is only to visit this place.

2- New York on the East River in the moonlight- After Big Star played a festival on Randalls Island the organizers had rented a water taxi to bring the performers back to the city. It wasn’t crowded at all and was the best way to see New York at night. We went all the way up the East River in the water taxi. The night was warm with a light sprinkle. Everyone was awestruck by the beauty of our little 20 minute voyage. You could see everything from the water. I think I saw nearly every landmark ever referenced in my favorite songs about New York in that one water taxi trip.

3- Skyline Drive in Eagle River, Alaska- This was practically my back yard growing up.
You start driving up what seems like a hill and it quickly turns into a small mountain. The road winds and winds up an up and gets smaller and smaller. Eventually you get to the end and that is where you park. It could be described as a very cliche "make out point" you might see in movies. It was so much more than that, but I'll admit that back in the day I did do some smooching up there. :-)
On a clear night the stars are so big you feel like you can touch them while the northern lights are swirling around and dancing above you. Below you, you can see pretty much all of Anchorage, Eagle River, Chugiak and Palmer... It is as quiet as they come. There is nothing up there.
If you were to ditch your car and hike on for about an hour you will run into a small group of houses. They look like they have been there since the beginning of time. If you peak through the windows you'll see nothing but an antique typewriter and things that look like time stopped during the gold rush. It is possible that it has been developed into condos since I was a kid, but in my memories, this is how it is still.

4- The Dali Museum in Figueres, Spain- A two hour train ride from Barcelona in Figueres lives the Salvador Dali museum. If you ever have the opportunity to go there you absolutely must.
I had time to read the history of Dali a bit and it was very interesting. The man was seriously obsessed with his wife Gala. In fact they put the "crazy fun" in dysfunctional relationships. It wouldn't surprise me if some day they went through that fun house of a museum and found bodies entombed in the walls. (I mean other than his of course)
It was all pretty spectacular and a tad creepy. The whole time I was in the museum I could almost see the parties they used to throw back in it's heyday. Those would have been some amazing parties, with all of the faceless gold figures staring down at you in the courtyard. This is another place that has a soul all of it's own.

5- Franklin Falls/ Denny Creek just past North Bend, WA- It is an easy hike to get to. You sort of feel like you are walking through the woods forever and not really getting anywhere but then the woods open up to these beautiful little water falls that are full of rainbows. It is a peaceful little sanctuary out in the middle of everything.
Jon loved it so much he said that when he dies that is where he wants his ashes spread. Me, I would want a little bit of me spread in all of the places on this list.
One of the coolest things about visiting the falls is on the way back home you can swing by Tweeds cafe and get some coffee and cherry pie all Twin Peaks style.

6- The Cemetery next to Volunteer Park on Capitol Hill, Seattle, WA- It is a five minute walk from my apartment. I know it sounds all Goth to want to hang out in a cemetery, but it is a really cool one.
Not only is it the final resting place of Bruce Lee and his son Brandon, but it is also full of the families that made this city. If you look closely at the oldest monuments you'll recognize many of the last names as neighborhood street names.
It's also not a very active cemetery. I think it has been full for years.
Usually if you go on a perfect blue sunny day with a picnic you can go for hours without even seeing another person. I find it to be the perfect place to go when I don't have time to get away but when I want to be alone. It is my summer sanctuary.

7- to be continued...


True beauty dwells in deep retreats, Whose veil is unremoved, Till heart with heart in concord beats, And the lover is beloved. - William Wordsworth

Parents just don't understand...

So Darian's commentary last night was the best part of the show for me. The show was in a club that is usually a bar. I have seen plenty of pretty great shows there with a drink in my hand. Last night they converted it to an all ages venue so I brought my daughter.
I thought it would be fun to bring her to a place where I go when I go out so it isn't so much a mystery to her anymore. She is also getting to an age where our interests are sort of meeting a fork in the road. I keep thinking if I bring her to different shows one of these days a style of music will really appeal to her. So far the only show that she has even seemed the least bit interested was a Japanese pop band, everything else has been met with yawns and eye rolling.
I understand she needs to rebel, it is part of youth and becoming a teenager. I just never imagined it would be music where she would. It probably is because it is one of the most important things to Jon and I.

Last night the conversation went something like this:
M- So are you having a good time?
D- Um, I guess so.
M- You know it is kind of strange for me to see you here since it is usually a bar. Jon has played here several times.
D- So this is where you guys go for fun?
M- Yes. Do you like it?
D- So, let me get this straight, your idea of a good time is standing around in a cold cement box that is packed with so many people you can't move waiting around forever for a band to start playing?
M- Well I would not put it exactly like that...
D- Yeah, when I'm an adult I think I am going to find a better use for my free time.

Sassy monkey. At least she was smiling when she said it.
What we saw of the show was really good. The ladies sounded wonderful. Darian even said she liked the music. We could not stay long, they started late and it was a school night (literally) so I had to get the girl home. When I got home Jon was there. Seems after a million flight cancelations and being stuck all over the world, he finally made it back.

such a strange girl...

So there is this girl that hates me. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. I don't hate her. I reserve that emotion for those who really deserve it. (It is the flipside to love after all)
The only thing that she and I have in common is that she dated my ex-boyfriend after I left him. I didn't care. I left him because I was not in love with him and I was getting together with someone else. I was over it, she entered that stage long after I exited it. Heck I was in a whole new theatre on the other side of the world at that point.
She did a lot of really strange "Single White Female" stalkerish stuff to me for the next year after the last time I spoke to the ex-boyfriend.
I figured that he was either still in love with me and that made her angry or else she was in love with me and that made her angry. (ha!) Either way it was irritating to say the least, but no more than a bump in the road as I could care less that some random girl hated me for no good reason. I have so many other things to worry about, I just didn't have time to acknowledge it or engage in the BS. I kept anti-harassment paperwork handy in case she got out of hand or dangerous, otherwise I mostly ignored her attempts at being noticed by me.

Well, today, after a crappy visit to the dentist, I decided I needed a little good Karma. I was walking back to the office with my ginormous umbrella. I saw a nice police man standing in the rain with no umbrella and he was walking the same way as me so I told him I would share. He thanked me and I walked with him down the street.
While we were walking and chatting I see the girl who hates me coming in our direction. It has been a few years, she has since moved on from the boy. In fact now the only thing we have in common is an ex. As she approaches us, I could see as it registered in her head who I was. I smiled and winked at her and she just squished her whole face up in what I imagine is her nastiest glare.

The police man joked "Did you kick her puppy or something?"
I said, "Honestly I have no idea who she is."
Which is for the most part true.

People are weird and fascinating but mostly just weird...

Rabbit Fur Coat

This is who I am seeing play tomorrow. The best part? It's all ages, so I am taking Darian as my date!

Words that I love:



Jenny Lewis - You Are What You Love

This is no great illusion
When I'm with you I'm looking for a ghost
Or invisible reasons
To fall out of love and run screaming from our home

Because we live in a house of mirrors
We see our fears and everything
Our songs, faces, and second hand clothes
But more and more we're suffering
Not nobody, not a thousand beers
Will keep us from feeling so all alone

But you are what you love
And not what loves you back
That's why I'm here on your doorstep
Pleading for you to take me back

The phone is a fine invention
It allows me to talk endlessly to you
About nothing disguising my intentions
Which I'm afraid, my friend, are wildly untrue

It's a sleight of hand, a white soul band
The heart attacks I'm convinced I have
Every morning upon waking
To you I'm a symbol or a monument
Your rite of passage to fufillment
But I'm not yours for the taking

But you are what you love
And not what loves you back
So I guess that's why you keep calling me back

I'm fraudulent, a thief at best
A coward who paints a bullshit canvas
Things that will never happen to me
But at arms length, it's Tim who said
I'm good at it, I've mastered it
Avoiding, avoiding everything

But you are what you love, Tim
And not what loves you back
And I'm in love with illusions
So saw me in half
I'm in love with tricks
So pull another rabbit out of your hat

Fuzzies!

I am a silly girl. I am completely in love with these little guys. The babies are 3 weeks old now and sort of look like tiny little furballs buzzing all over the cage.

On Fire...

Shorts:
So at some point on Sunday after all of Saturday's adventure, I looked down at my hand and realized I was not wearing my wedding ring. Talk about a heart stopping moment. I was completely convinced I had lost it while I was out drinking and being silly.
I almost started crying but then I remembered what had happened: I purchased this really cool sparkly piece of costume jewelry earlier on Saturday before I went out but it was so big I could not wear a ring on my ring finger while I was wearing it, so I took my wedding ring off before I went out on Saturday. At some point while I was slightly intoxicated the costume ring was getting on my nerves so I took that off as well. Since I had only just purchased it, I forgot I owned it in my hung-over fog on Sunday and really thought I had lost my wedding ring. So happy it was sitting safely in my jewelry box and back on my hand. Talk about heart attack inducing moments. (I should mention this ring has been in Jon's family for like a hundred years so I would have been in some major trouble.)

About a week ago I saw a movie called 9 Lives. I really enjoyed it. I don't remember it ever being in the theatres and I rented it due to the fact it had so many huge actors in it. I was pleasantly surprised and impressed by it. I highly recommend it as a renter. My favorite short was the one with Robin Wright-Penn, but it did make me cry.

Nenu and I started working on some songs for a little bit yesterday. It was kind of an impromptu thing that happened after we had breakfast. Afterwards I was very inspired. We have such great chemistry I think working with her is going to be really easy. I have not even seriously considered wanting to step up on a stage again in years. I thought I was over it, but now I am thinking I could see doing it and actually enjoying it. I think it is because this time I would be doing it for the sheer love of music and having fun with my best friends and nothing else. I hope Licia is still up for some drumming.

I finally changed my hair color. I have a hard time believing I managed to stick with one color for so long. It isn't too dramatic, but quite a bit darker. I still have the bright red on the underside, but the top is black and burgundy. It will be easier on grow out since my natural color is pretty dark and always looked bad when growing out with the bright red on top.

And lastly, I just realized I don't remember when the last time I spoke to Jon was. Australian tours suck because the time difference is so crazy that there's never a good time to connect on the phone. When he is available I am at work and when I am available he is playing shows or sleeping. He needs to give up sleeping like I did, it really frees up a lot of time! It also occurred to me that I am not even entirely sure when he is coming home this time. Am I actually becoming acclimated to him being gone on tour all of the time?

you know it has been a good night when...

you have a ticket stub from 5th row seats and a backstage pass in your coat pocket.
you remember having a great conversation with one of your favorite artists after a mind boggling show.
after you leave the show you go to another pretty cool concert and get in for free even though there is a $15 cover because you know people who know people.
at some point, high and happy from show #1 you exclaim, "Let's go drink doubles!"
you actually go and drink the doubles.
and then some more.
and a little more...
you relentlessly tease a guy friend about looking "hot" in a flickr photo
you go hug a girl because you "know her from Myspace" and talk about what pretty teeth she has.
you get safely delivered home by sober friend
you wrote an LJ entry that only states "I am drunk"
since your house is empty you decide you don't want to be alone...
and this is where it starts to get blurry, but I know this:
I woke up in Nenus bed with a massive hangover, wearing pajamas on my bottom half and my dress from last night on the top, a digi-camera full of boarder-line naughty photos of us in her bed, a cell phone full of people returning messages from me at 4AM (I have no outbox so I have no idea what I said to them) and an empty bottle of Framboise by the bed...
I am typing this on her laptop while she is sleeping. I managed about 3 hours of good sleep.

all in all it was one for the books. if i did see/text you and if i said anything stupid, it was the vodka and my teeeeeeny tolerance for booze talking. we will never speak of this again.

Everyone Moves Away

Please forgive, for they know not what they've done
And if they did, they'd surely resurrect their trust
Promises were made to break and the family kept its end
And now your answer, my friend,
Is blowing in one head and out the other
But you will find yourself
You will recognize and realize
Even when you can't forget
The times they tried you, things denied you, inside the big nameless house
From which everyone moves away, everyone moves away

Growing up in severed states of mind
Can cause you to go blind more than twice
And now we're hurt by the words we've never said
The wounds you never bled
Just aggravate your head until they've gone

But you will like yourself
You will verify and vocalize
Even when you can't forget
That when you stayed you, they betrayed you, inside the big nameless house
From which everyone moves away, everyone moves away

Try to wipe away the traces of people, places, childhood spaces
Etched upon your memory, like the way that we were raised
In our backyard we were left no time to think
The blood that turned to ink spelled neglect
Now there's no sun and the grass is overgrown
The sacred seed they've sown is utterly alone and scared to death

But you will free yourself
You will cut the cord and cauterize
And if you ever feel an urge
To look behind you, let this remind you
We both grew up in the same house
From which everyone moves away, everyone moves away
Everyone moves, everyone moves
Everyone moves away


Released on Dear 23, 1990
Written by Jon Auer & Ken Stringfellow.

The Best Kind of News...

Almost two years ago I lost my friend and co-worker to Cancer. He was a good man. I cared quite a bit about him. We traveled together for work a couple of times a year and I got to know him well. I considered him a very close friend.
One of the things he talked about a lot was how much he loved his wife. He was crazy about her. I never met her in person, but I felt like I knew her after working with him for a few years and hearing so much about her.
His death was a complete shock.
He didn't want anyone to know he had been diagnosed with Cancer because he thought he would beat it. He was very proud, it made sense that he didn't tell us. I had not heard from him in a few weeks so I sent him an email and told him I was beginning to worry about him.
I came in on a Tuesday after a long weekend and had an email sitting in my inbox that said he had died over the weekend. I walked out of my office and sat down on the dock near the water (Our office was on a lake) and I cried.
I left that job not long after.
About a year after his death his widow got in touch with me. It seems he wanted to leave me a very special bottle of wine. It is one we had talked about. It is rare and priceless. He had intended to give it to me as a wedding gift.
She and I started talking one night and we ended up on the phone for hours. We told each other stories about her husband. It was really nice getting to know her finally.
We ended the conversation with her telling me, "I bet we would have been really good friends if we lived in the same city."
I said, "I think you are right."
She called me and told me she had the flu and could not mail the bottle. I told her not to worry and to send it whenever, I could wait. A few weeks later she emailed and said she was still sick so she still had not mailed it.
Finally I got a message at work from her that said she went to the doctor about her flu and it turns out she has leukemia. She was devastated of course. She had to go in for treatments right away.
That was three months ago.
I have tried calling her but have not been able to get in touch. I was really beginning to worry.
I just got a message from her.
It seems she has been in the hospital getting treatments for the last three months. She is in remission! She is heading back in for one more round of treatments and will call me when she gets out.
This whole experience makes me feel so many things that are too big for words. All I can do is hope and pray she gets stronger and stronger and eventually beats this.
I have to think somehow he is with her helping her through this. That's just the kind of guy he was.

Just the New York Times sitting on the windowsill...

The agro guy is out of the building. He got the last of his things last eve and turned in his keys.
This makes me so happy. Here is hoping he stays gone.

Moving on: Popozao? Ugh! Enough already.

Moving on some more: I really want a Godiva chocotini now. Thanks a lot Oscar pre-shows!

and more: Meg Ryan's new duck lips. Why would she do that to herself and then go on Oprah so the whole world can see what she did? So very sad.



more: Ben Folds this weekend! Woot!

and a little more: All Girl Bob Dylan cover band. That's all I am sayin'

Suddenly Single.

I am overwhelmed by the numerous signs of the impending Spring season.
The same day I saw the guy come out and plant the plates on the baseball diamond across the street, another one of my lovely ladies became newly single.
It just occurred to me that all of the girls I spend the majority of my time with were partnered up during the winter months, but are all officially single as of today. (Today is the moving day for one straggler. By the time I get off work she will be officially on her own as well.)
This has to be a sign of some sort.
Brace yourselves people I have a feeling about this summer. This is going to be one for the books.

So let me get this straight, I kiss you and you turn into a prince?

Yes, that is me, sitting in a mud puddle contemplating a toad. (proving that I have been a little strange pretty much since birth)
I thought it was an appropriate photo given the state so many of my friends seem to be in right now. So many wonderful women contemplating toads. It is almost enough to depress a girl.... almost.

In other news gerbil babies are all still alive and happy and they just celebrated their two week birthday. They are about the cutest thing I have ever seen. For real.

Now a question: What are the top 3 movies that always make you cry without fail?

This is the first day of the rest of my life...

I found this polorid taken of me the day I brought Darian home from the hospital. I wonder what I was thinking here.

Gerbil babies are Soooooo cute...

2/23/06,
originally uploaded by lilblackcat.

They are finally getting fur. Now if I could just get a good photo of them. They all look like the papa gerbil.

Ripley

My redheaded step-child

Wow!

My mom has a blog! My Mom's Blog

Violence - Gallantry - Stupidity

Why do certain men feel better about themselves by acting abusive towards women? There are few things I hate more than an abusive man.
One of my oldest friends is in the process of breaking up with an abusive man. This evening said man got drunk and started getting out of control. I could hear him from my apartment (they live in my building) so I decided to go make sure he understood that she was not alone and he needed to leave.
He has no problem acting abusive towards her or her daughter because they are smaller than him, but he is a very little man and I am at least four inches taller than him and one hundred times more confident in my abilities to “take him” if need be. I also take issue if someone raises their voice at me. I just don't do it, I refuse to engage in yelling matches, and no one yells at me ever.
Abusive men don’t like strong women who will stand up to them and stay in control of their emotions. In fact they don’t like anyone who will stand up to them, I think that is why they are so angry because they generally feel weak in every day life.
I also grew up in a house with all men 6’3 and above. There is nothing his 5’5 and 140 pound self could dish out that I could not take.

I went up and asked him to leave in a very level yet stern tone. He started flipping out on me. He called me several names rhyming with itch and punt and then he lurched towards me.

In my head I am thinking, “This guy is obviously drunk and violent and I think he thinks he is going to either belittle me, hit me, or scare me into backing down. Should I take this time to call the police or should reason with him to leave without getting the cops involved?”

My head is being all rational while I am standing there with my hands in my pockets and he is screaming less than an inch from my nose.
Then this pops out of my mouth in a very even, matter of fact, Dirty Harry, tone, “Listen to me, I am not at all afraid of you. If you don’t get out of my face I will pepper spray you so fast your head will spin. Don’t test me because you have no idea how much I really want to.”
He jumped back out of my face really fast and proceeded to scream at me what a horrible person I was and ranting on and on until finally marching away off into the night.

What was funny to me was every time he called me a name I took it as a huge compliment.

Now that it is over and he is gone I am thinking to myself; that was a really stupid thing for me to get involved in and crazy people are seriously dangerous and what the bloody hell was I thinking?
I should have just called the police.
This is real life! Did I not learn anything from that lady who got shot getting mugged because she mouthed off to her mugger?
I may be a total scrapper in my head but faced against sheer crazy! What the hell am I thinking? I know all the statistics about domestic violence murders. I have seen all of the women on the news who go missing, and it turns out later they were murdered by their crazy ex husbands, boyfriends, stalkers…
I don’t have super powers and I am not bulletproof.
So my attitude went from proud of myself for helping a sista out to really disappointed in myself for putting myself in such a potentially dangerous position.

I am so much smarter than that. I need to remember to listen to my brain and not my inner scrappy Alaskan the next time something like that happens.

This gets filed under "What was I thinking?"

Right now all your dreams are waking up...

Today my head is filled with Joseph Arthur songs and my eyes are filled with images of children kicking a ball around on a field.

One of my favorite co-workers moved to a different job yesterday. This meant I was upgraded to a coveted window seat. My window looks out over a transit bus stop and a beautiful park the city spent a lot of money on to completely make over in the last year. I wonder how much this will increase my daydreaming? (like I need any help with that)

I feel 100% better today as compared to yesterday. It is amazing how much better life is when you actually wake up on time and have the time to do everything you need to before you start your day. I took an extra long shower and took advantage of my empty apartment by singing off key in it (LOUDLY) and then I put on a pretty dress and actually did my hair and make up. The result, I feel good. And apparently feeling good equates to looking good because when I went to get coffee a moment ago I was propositioned twice. Not that I ever know what to say to those random street compliments/proposals of marriage. I usually just say thank you and giggle. Too silly.

Observations for the week:

I've learned more about living and myself from my little girl in the last year than from any other source or time in my whole life.

Children are born brilliant. Adults ruin them.

Just because you are an entertainer doesn't mean your friends expect you to entertain them. They just want you to know they care and like to see you every now and then.

As much as I hated my hometown growing up, I am finding that I actually miss it as I get older. I just can't pinpoint what it is exactly that I miss. Maybe it is just knowing that I come from somewhere and wishing I had roots.

Why? and What if? are two questions that will always lead to moments of brilliance or trouble. More often than not; trouble.

Since feeling is first, who pays attention to the syntax of things will never wholly kiss you.

The first time he almost kissed me was in a parking lot standing between two cabs, one to take him home to his wife the other to take me to the airport. We chickened out.

The second time was our first kiss. It was in an airport in Alaska. He saw me when he stepped off the plane a free man for the first time in years. He dropped his bags and rushed to me. We kissed and kissed and kissed... like it is something we had been doing forever.

The Second first time was nearly seven years later. We were at a party. We had been flirting for days. This time he was single and I was not. I could not take it anymore so I grabbed his arm and pulled him into a closet (The only place in the party we could be alone) I kissed him in the closet with all of the coats in the dark. We kissed until someone opened the door, we handed them their coat shut the door and kissed some more. Again, we said goodbye with two taxis going to two different places. Mine going home to my boyfriend, his going to the other side of town.

The third first kiss was two years later. I showed up at his house with my bags in my hands. He opened the door and looked at the bags quizzically. I told him we needed to be together. He was going to either let me come in or I was going to sleep on the porch. (I was really hoping that he would let me in.) I came in told him I never wanted to not be with him again, it was too hard on my heart. He kissed me in response. We were married almost exactly a year later.

Third time's a charm?

Safe Travels...

On the road again: Jon is traveling with Big Star now. After that he goes to Australia with the Posies. Then he gets home long enough to go to SXSW. I will be attending this year. I'm super excited as I have only ever been to NXNW.

It looks like we will be going to NYC in May if everything works out according to plan. Road Trip!

I finished a new song this weekend. I'm really happy with how it turned out. I'm going to have Jon record it when he is home for more than five minutes. I suppose I could record it myself and actually utilize that $30,000 education, but where is the fun in that?

I finally went to see Walk The Line. I really liked it, but I have to say if you are married to a musician who tours 75% of the time and just left on tour again, it is NOT the best movie to go see. I'm just sayin'...

Oh and one last thing. Swing by www.theposies.net there is a whole bunch of new stuff including Pre-orders for Jon's new record and a new video.

My First Kiss

Once upon a time there lived a boy.

He would kiss me with wet lips that tasted like peppermint gum.

His hands would sweat and shake whenever he touched me.

I would giggle and shy away.

He smelled like the popular colognes the cute boys wore in high school

He had pale skin and freckles that you could only see when you were really close to his face.

He had soft curly hair that always hung in his eyes.

He could never look me in the eye too long without his cheeks turning pink and his stare hitting the floor.


I first saw him with his nose in a book hiding in the back of the class on the first day of school. He was new and painfully shy. The other kids ignored him because he didn’t seem to present anything entertaining to their two-dimensional worlds.

I found him intriguing.

During lessons he would not be the first to raise his hand, but in an effort to get him to come out of his shell, the teacher would call on him regularly. Somehow he always knew the answers and when he spoke it was eloquent beyond his years.
I was loud, blonde and bubbly. I had a close circle of friends and being the class clown was my favorite past time. I would sit down in the seat behind his every day. I would ask him loads of questions, which he would quietly answer with less than three words in a tone audible only to mice. He would never turn around unless I poked him in the back and waited for him to turn around.
I decided that I would have to get his attention a different way so I started sitting in the desk in front of him, therefore he was my captive audience. He had to face forward so he could not ignore me.
Every day I would go to class and every day he would try really hard to not make eye contact with me. In my frustration my fascination with this boy grew. I decided this boy would be the first boy I would kiss.

All of my friends found my attraction bizarre and somehow typical of my clowning around. They would tease me about my “mouse boy” and sometimes even tease him with the nickname. After I argued why this had to be the first boy I kissed, many of my girl friends started to find themselves strangely attracted to him too.

I tried everything! I borrowed pencils, offered up sticks of gum and treats in my lunch, hung my coat next to his and stood next to him in line. He would just watch me over his glasses from behind his books and the hair in his eyes.

A few years went by, still no first kiss.

We moved from elementary school to Junior high school. He was assigned to the seat behind mine in our typing class. At this point I had almost given up. I was so frustrated. No matter what I did he ignored me. I wore cute skirts, did my hair, practiced “fascinating conversations” to have with him. I managed to get the attention of nearly every boy in my class but not the one I wanted!

One night, on a whim, I stopped at a hair salon in the mini mall near my house where we all hung out. I walked in and sat down in the first open chair. The hairdresser asked if I would like a trim.
My hair was as long as it had ever been. It was nearly touching the top of my pants.
I said, “I want you to cut it all off.”
She asked, “Oh my gosh! Are you sure? Your hair is so beautiful!”
“Yes, cut it all off.” I said

I walked into class the next day with a super short pixie cut. I sat at the desk in front of my mouse boy.
“Oh my god! What did you do to your hair?” I heard him exclaim from behind me, “It was so pretty! Where did it all go?”
I turned around and looked him square in the face and said, “So that is all I needed to do to get you to talk to me? Had I known that I would have shaved my head years ago!”
He blushed and looked down at his desktop, “Do you want to sit next to me at lunch today?” he asked
“I would love to!” I answered

By Friday we were meeting up behind the skating rink and by curfew he walked me home and held my hand. When we got to my street he kissed me so intensely, his bright green mint chewing gum ended up in my mouth.

When I got home I stuck the gum between the pages of my journal and drew a little heart around it to remeber my first kiss.

We never kissed again.

Inked.

I want to get a new tattoo. Just a small one. It would be my fourth and my final tattoo. They are all very discreet and meaningful to me. I just need to find someone who can draw what I have in my head. It is a little beyond my own artisitic skills.

Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, gerbil, mice...

What do I do when I have the flu and am stuck at home sick for 11 straight days? I take pictures of all of my furry little friends! Check them out!

I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl....

Having a daughter is the best thing I have ever done. She is the best! That's all I wanted to say. :-)

Why I Heart V-Day...

I know a lot of people don't like this very commercial holiday but I love it. Even when I was single or wasting my time in relationships with people I was not in love with, I still loved the day.

It is one of the few holidays I can stomach. It doesn't have the pressure that x-mas or NYE have for me. I like it's simplicity. One person, one gift and all the rest is gravy.

I just like the idea of having one day specifically set aside to celebrate love. I know all of the old arguments, "We should celebrate love EVERY day!" yada yada... Yeah well we SHOULD do a lot of things but we don't so that is why it works to set aside a specific day, so neener!

It is a holiday where you can plan a nice dinner but you are not expected to juggle the 500 other places you need to visit so "everyone is together" There is no stress of picking out gifts for people that you know they will hate, or running out of money because of buying things for so many people. For me it is a holiday just as contrived as all other holidays without all of the added stress. I dig that. I also dig the fact that you can get chocolate for the week following for next to nothing on 75% off close out!

If I had to vote I would get rid of Christmas and Thanksgiving and keep V-Day and Birthdays. (But I would keep the paid days off of course!)

Nice to meet you. I am your ghost.

I was dreaming about the house I grew up in last night. I have been dreaming about this place since my dad sold it when I was 18. It is crazy. My dreams about it are always so vivid that sometimes I think if I were to go visit the new owners they might recognize me as the person who has been haunting it for the last several years.
I decided if I ever win a lottery I will buy that house back and just let it sit there empty. Maybe I will let some single parent with too many kids live in it for free. I don't ever want to live in Eagle River, Alaska again, but I want to own that house. My family built it together before the family fell apart. It is the last standing symbol of what once was once upon a time. The place haunts me as much as I haunt it. I think it needs to be in my family.

In my dream there was heavy snowfall. I was sitting by the window watching it snow. Watching the plows go through the neighborhood creating the high banks.

I woke up and it was snowing here.

(The photo was taken in Eagle River, AK)

If you Go Here and click on the Satellite button in the upper right corner it will show you the house I grew up in.

I want THIS bunny!

This is the cutest fluffy bunny ever! I want it! Look at those toes! Sooooo cute! Read about the German Giant here.

Jon put a Valentine in The Stranger for me.....

Beautiful Pavalita - ♥♥ You are the love of my life, m'lady - the mate of my soul. I need you like Alaska needs wilderness. Let's be crazy together forever! Love, yrPavo#1


everybody say Awwwwwww.... :-)

Darian in 1997

When I put out a CD this will be the cover art.

I want to live abroad.

Can someone please make this happen? I am not too picky, I would be fine with Spain or Italy. Italy of course being my first choice.

k-thanks...

Mix Tape #17 - In Love with Lyrics

I was going to post links to all of the lyrics since that is why they are on here, but not right now. Maybe later when I am feeling more ambitious. For now, you all know how to google if you are curious.

(I picked these songs based solely on the fact that I have loved the words at *different times in my life, for one reason or another, and I always will. *Keep in mind I was VERY young when I was in love with a few of these.)

Cemetery Song- Jon Auer
Not Dark Yet- Bob Dylan
We Used To Be Friends- The Dandy Warhols
Anything Anything (I'll Give You) - Dramarama
Mental- Eels
Hurt a Fly- Built to Spill
Above You, Below Me- Badly Drawn Boy
The Luckiest- Ben Folds
In My Life- The Beatles
These Foolish Things- Billie Holiday
No More Drama- Mary J. Blige
I Want You- Elvis Costello
A Letter To Elise- The Cure
My Favourite Game- The Cardigans
Tiny Vessels- Death Cab For Cutie
Cold Snap- Harvey Danger
Have You Forgotten- Red House Painters
Waltz #2 (XO) - Elliott Smith
Greetings in Braille-The Elected
Limp- Fiona Apple
Honey and The Moon- Joseph Arthur
New Girl- The Long Winters
Legendary- Lou Barlow
His Indie World- Mary Lou Lord
Sick of Myself- Matthew Sweet
Polly- Nirvana
Something I Can Never Have- Nine Inch Nails
Sour Times- Portishead
Golden Blunders- The Posies
There You Go- Pink
Wedding Day- Rosie Thomas
Kathy's Song- Simon & Garfunkel
Turn The Page- Bob Seger (This one is my dad's fault)
Fallen For You- Sheila Nicholls
Strong Enough- Sheryl Crow
I Was Wrong- The Sisters of Mercy
I Can Feel It- Sloan
Shoop- Salt n Pepa
Please, Please, Please, Let me get what I want- The Smiths
With You- Tube Top
Kiss Off- Violent Femmes
Baby Bitch- Ween
Stations- Denison Witmer

My mom is an overachiever.

Not only does she work more than full time at the hospital, but she also remodels her Alaskan cabin to make it look like a livable work of art and gives quilting classes (in her spare time).
Did I mention she also has had her quilts in a museum and one sent her all the way to Spain? And she has a calender of her work out? Yup. Before you know it she will have her own PBS show.

I'm very proud of her. Check out her little web page here: Cold Feet Quilter

She makes it all look far too easy. :-)

Yeah, I said it!

OMG I do not feel good. I have had the flu since Thursday afternoon when I went home early from work. I am giving work a go today even though I should probably be home on my couch.

This weekend I did everything in my power to avoid the stupid Super Bowl. I am from Alaska. Alaska is too damn cold for football during football season so we care not for sports unless they are played on skates.

I was at the drug store Sunday morning picking up tissues, Dayquil, and a script. There were three little boys there who were standing near me in line. They saw the big display for the Seahawks merch near the front.
Kids: "Woah! Seahawks! Cool! Man! It is like $15 for the cup."
Me: "Just wait until tomorrow after they lose, then it will be half price."
Oops.
It just slipped out.
I guess being sick for 4 days crossed with my pure hatred of football has turned me into Cruella DeVille.

To boldly go...

Shatner playing drums!,
originally uploaded by lilblackcat.

Yes, that is Bill Shatner rockin' the drums! That guy can do anything!

Grey's Anatomy

It is rare that any TV drama will actually bring me to tears. If I am watching the news about orphans in other countries or those Operation Smile things, or Animal Rescue, sure. That real life stuff that has to do with children or animals will get me every time, but not regular programming.
Last night I was watching my new favorite Sunday night guilty pleasure Grey's Anatomy.
I think growing up in a house with a nurse and spending a lot of time in hospitals when I was brought to work has made me partial to medical shows. It started with St Elsewhere and then it moved on to ER. I love any and all of the reality operation shows as well. I have even been know to watch the live surgery on the UW channel (Which will forever gross out my child and my husband.) I just love hospitals and shows about hospitals. People are always nice in hospitals. Sick people are oddly peaceful. People both come into the world and leave the world there on a regular basis. I find myself drawn to it.
Well, last night G.A. had this old lady on hospice who was slowly dying with her friends and loved ones around her. Something in how they shot the scene reminded me of sitting bedside watching my Granparents pass away. By the time the credits rolled I was having quite the cry. It was so hard to watch! (Much in the same way I can't listen to Harvey Danger do Jack The Lion. It breaks my heart! It doesn't help that my Grandfather's name was Jack either.)

I really like Grey's Anatomy, even more than I like ER these days. It is some good made for TV drama with smart humor mixed in. And Dr McDreamy totally kicks Dr Kovach's booty in the easy on the eyes department any day!

Please listen to that tiny voice when it screams at you.

Ding ding ding ding....
It never ceases to amaze me how well our built in alarms work. Learning to pay attention to our "gut" is probably one of the most valuable things we could ever learn.
Today while I was cleaning the house, doing the normal every day activity of vacuuming I was stopped by this overwhelming feeling that something was not right.
My skin started crawling, my stomach started knotting. I thought I was about to have an anxiety attack or something. It was really random and hit me fast.
I had to stop and ask myself, "Self, what the hell is wrong with you?"
After a little soul searching I knew who I had to contact. I made a phone call and found out that there really was something not right happening right at that very moment and I called in the nick of time. It wasn't life shattering, but life altering for someone that I care a lot about.
I can't say what it was exactly on a public forum without breaking a confidence, but let's just say for the rest of my life I promise to never ignore my "gut" ever! Lesson learned.

Every. Good. Boy. Deserves. Fudge.

I was rocking the Clarinet last night. I was shocked to see I'm still pretty good. I have great tone, didn't squeak once. Still have really good breath control. The best part, it was SO Much fun. I pulled out a little sheet music and I could still read it!
It is like riding a bike.
My mouth did get tired faster than it did back in the day though. After about an hour my lips were like, "You are done lady."

I am sure that made the neighbors happy.

A little shout out to my mom...

Hey mom! I fixed it so I can get anon comments. You can comment away now. :-)

They keep turning human.

I spent the whole night coming up with questions I wanted to ask him. I practiced conversations. I could not wait to meet him. I was an excited and nervous ball of energy.
The clock seemed to be moving at half time, each hour crawled by. I changed my outfit twenty times because I wanted to look just right.
He had been my hero for so long, I could hardly believe I finally had the opportunity to meet him. I wondered if he would be easy to talk to. I wondered if I would be able to get a complete sentence out without stuttering or giggling.
I promised myself I would not under any circumstances make any attempt to tell stupid jokes. I would try not to prattle on too much. I would just ask questions and listen. Soak up whatever genius he would be willing to share with me. I knew my time to talk to him would be limited, but any time would be precious.

When I finally arrived and saw him standing there, in real life, I thought I was going to faint. This person who's genius had had such an effect on my life for so long was right in front of me . There he stood within reaching distance. I took several deep breaths, pulled my mind together, organized the arsenal of questions in my head, and took the first step in his direction.

He looked up at me as I crossed the room. He smiled when he saw me coming toward him. When I got to him he reached out his hand to shake mine. I tried my hardest to not let my hand tremble when I shook his back. When the hand shake was over he did not return my hand to me. He just stood there holding my hand while he continued to speak to the people around him. It was awkward and it threw me off balance. All of the witty conversation and well thought out questions were quickly slipping from my mind. All that was going through my head was, "Why won't he let my hand go? Why is he holding my hand still?"

There I stood dumb and silent holding hands with my hero of so many years.

When he finally turned his attention back to me he looked me in the eye and said, "Well hello there pretty." with a smirk that I have seen a million times before.
My heart sunk to my feet. I knew what boorish game we were about to play, what common conversation we were about to engage in. The thought of it coming from him broke my heart.
He was looking at me the same way men have looked at me most of my life. In a one dimensional light. He had already decided he was going to give me less consideration than he would probably give the purchase of a good bottle of wine. It was written all over his face.

I tried for a moment to speak to him, to rally some of my questions, some of my excitement from earlier. There was still some hope that maybe I could break through his preconceived idea of me.
Then he tried to kiss me.
I gave him my cheek, shook his hand very hard and said, "It was very nice to meet you." and turned to walk away. I was crushed.

I wish I never met my hero. I never wanted to know he was only human.

I feel pretty... oh so pretty...

I got an I Saw U in the paper I work for from a girl who saw me over the weekend. (Not anyone I know, that is why it is flattering) I would post it here, but then she might be able to track me down.

It made me blush.

teehee.

Darian thinks I am turning her into a movie nerd

For real. That is what she told me today. I told her some of my favorite people are movie nerds so if she is turning into one that is not necessarily a bad thing.

We went to The Chronicles of Narnia yesterday. It was as good as I expected it to be. It was better than Tristan and Isolde. It was very much a kid’s movie (Big war, no blood) but I didn't expect it to be more than that. Pretty neat.

Then we went to see Underworld: Evolution- Rent it, trust me.

Tristan and Isolde

D and I went and saw it last night. Unless you are totally dying to see a mid level chick flick with mildly interesting costumes, I would say wait and rent it. It was not horrible, but it was not that exciting either. They didn't stay true enough to the story. They did for a while in the beginning and then they just sort of meandered waaaay off the storyline. That was disappointing as it is a pretty cool legend.

The hardest part for me was that I really liked the guy she was forced to marry. So the whole time she was betraying him, it made her character a lot less sympathetic.

I had little to no emotional response to this movie. So I would not even call it sappy.

Would you cheat on This Guy?
to be with This Guy?
Um, no.

Memoirs of a Geisha

I finally saw Memoirs of a Geisha. I loved it! The costumes and sets were worth the price of admission. The score was dreamy. The actors were beautiful, almost too beautiful.
A lot of the movie was exactly how I had imagined things in my head when I was reading the book. You can tell the author had a heavy hand in the design of it all.
I don't know if the movie would be as magical for someone who never read the book. For example, having read the book I know what happens after the movie ends. The movie sort of ends abruptly and leaves things open ended. Had I not read the book, that would have frustrated me.
If I had to complain I would say that some of the characters were too pretty. The leads were cast perfectly, but some of the characters that were supposed to be hideous in the book were far too attractive. In the book I imagined the women who ran the house to be older and a lot more run down and wicked looking. The American General was also supposed to be fat and gross and drooled when he spoke. He just seemed smarmy, but not disgusting. I wanted the bad guys to be really bad guys, instead they seemed like attractive actors dressed down a little more than usual.
As long as you don't have a problem with your fuglys just being sorta ugly, then you will love this movie. I'll most definitely be buying this one when it comes out on DVD.

This evening after work, against my own better judgement, Darian and I will be checking out Tristan and Isolde.

Wish us luck.

everybody hurts sometimes (I think Yoga was involved)

Last night I tried a Yoga class. I went to the gym at lunch and did some weight training, a smidge of cardio and noticed a flyer for Power Yoga at 5PM. I thought about giving it a shot, but wasn't married to the idea until one of my co-workers agreed to try it with me.
Well, at 5PM we were on our mats on the floor ready to be yogasized, or whatever you would call it. The first thing we did was curl up on the floor in this sort of praying position. We sat like that for what seemed like an eternity. The teacher was talking to us about a lot of stuff that I could not pay attention to because when I did I would start giggling. I'm sorry, but when you start talking about "surrounding your heart with pink light" I'm going to loose it. I can't help it. Then I hear my friend suppressing laughter which only made it worse for me. At that pont I was hanging on by a thread.
So there I was curled up on the floor with all of my blood rushing to my face, trying hard not to laugh and also plotting my escape. I was too far from the door and knew there was no way out. I was there for the hour like it or not.
When he thought we had been curled up long enough he had us change positions. What got me was when he said, "Normally you would stay in this first position a lot longer, but we have time constraints we must work with today."
A lot longer? Really?!?! If I sat like that any longer I really would have passed out from all of the blood rushing to my forehead. As far as I was concerned I could not possibly have sat like that ANY longer.
For the next hour he had me pretzelling my body in ways I have not in a while. I was surprised at how limber I still am, since I have not done any stretches in a long time. No amount of flexibility was going to help me keep my balance in some of these positions though.
I was grateful that by the end of the class I had not fallen over. Once I let my competitive side take over, I was doing much better. I decided I was going to "Win" yoga. Don't ask me how; it just got me through it.

During the cool down, more suppressed giggling when he was talking about feeding the earth with the negative energy and recycling it like the trees do with us or something like that. When he brought up the pink light around my heart one more time I lost it. I buried my face in my arm and laughed as quietly as possible. He must of heard me because he said not to feel strange because this is a very emotional point in the workout. "It is OK to cry." He thought I was crying! This of course only made the giggles worse.

I am officially not an adult.

This morning, yoga got it's revenge. There are parts of me that hurt that I didn’t even know could hurt. I am in some serious pain today.

Stupid power yoga.

The first thread that lead to a pile of yarn...

I seem to have a better memory for my mistakes than I do for my victories.

Is there a storm on the horizon?

It is eerie how calm my mind has been of late. That makes the pessimist in me nervous.

I have been really focused on a few things that I need to get done in the coming weeks. It is all sort of falling into place. I love it. More will be added soon to the list.

I miss Jon, but the fact that I will be near him so very soon makes it OK. If I had to wait months and months again I would probably be climbing the walls, but in fact it is only a matter of days...

Gerbil babies!

Mama on the babies 1-16-06,
originally uploaded by lilblackcat.

I came home from work and she just had five babies! This is the most she has ever had. She is being very protective so it is hard to get a photo just now.

pop goes the pills...

I am sick of taking pills every day for one thing or another.
One is to make the sharp pain go away and help me sleep, another is to make my skin look all pretty and the other four are to force my body to work properly (in theory). It seems my Ovaries are conspiring with my Pancreas to overthrow my body.

It feels like I am always swallowing pills. Take this with milk, take that with food, take this at night, don't take these within 12 hours of each other, don't eat sugar, don't drink alchohol ever... I would love to hear what my Liver feels about all of this.

Has my warranty started to run out? I know my Gall Bladder's has, it keeps threatening to leave. The doctor says the next 4 day attack and they are taking him out. (I decided anything that causes me this much pain MUST be a "him")

All right, I am done feeling sorry for myself. I don't have it that bad, and I should just be happy that I have access to pills that keep me ticking right?

Right.

Bummed.

I have been reading reviews of three movies that I have been really looking forward to seeing. All three movies are getting crap reviews.
"Match Point" has been referred to as final proof that Woody has "gone to seed"
"Triston and Isolde" has been likened to something the WB would make.
And "Memoirs of a Geisha" only got nominated for best score not even best costumes!

Is it too much for me to ask that someone make a movie about unrequited love that is both interesting and visually beautiful but not cheesy? Seriously? Is it that all of the good stuff has been done so well that it can't be done again, or have we just become lazy?

Seriously??

I'm still going to see all of them, but now I am not looking forward to it as much as I was.

Classic Love + Classic Louis Vuitton

Classic Love + Classic Louis Vuitton (Green),
originally uploaded by lilblackcat.

I miss you already...

You are always leaving...

It feels like he just got home. This seriously was the shortest three weeks ever.
The upside is since New Years Eve we have been back in that warm Honeymoon phase that even after all of these years we always manage to find. I can't imagine there ever being another person out there in the world that I should/could be with. There isn't another man out there who could understand/know me better, deal with my idiosyncrasies with more charm, or that I could possibly love more.
I hate when he leaves on a work day. He always walks me to the door and kisses me goodbye. He stands in the doorway while I walk away. I look back, he waves. Eventually I hear the door close and the world gets cold again.

Inside I am crying.

I feel like I have been punched in both sides of my head. At least I don't look it. I didn't swell on the outside. It only hurts when I smile.

I took the Vicoden last night and fell asleep feeling no pain. Jon said it was the most relaxed he has ever seen me.

Now if only I could find a way to blend a cheeseburger. I am SO hungry! I thought this whole Ice Cream diet would be neat, but I am over it. I want my hot coffee and my junk food STAT! No heat, solids, straws or anything for another 24 hours.