Saturday, May 20, 2006

There are little men playing drums on the back of my eyes

I have to admit, my brain goes to strange and unusual places when I'm sick and Boy Howdy am I sick right now.
I have not been able to keep any food down so that meant no coffee today. Being the major caffeine addict that I am, I'm suffering from what can only be described as withdrawals. My head is pounding so hard, I am actually considering drinking coffee and just praying it will stay down.

I've been laying in my room most of the day. My daughter has been taking really good care of me. The upside to having an older child is you have someone who can actually help out when you are sick. She ran to the store and got Ginger Ale, popsicles and chicken and stars soup when I am up for it, bless her.

I have watched about 14 hours of cartoons. I think I lost a few IQ points. I'll blame my fever.

Jon was in the city where I was born yesterday, or at least a stones throw from it. He had to get to Chicago this morning to catch a flight to somewhere for a Big Star show. (Atlanta?)
You know, half the time I don't even know where he is. It all just sort of blurs together. I have a hard enough time sorting the days he will be home and the days he is gone.
His solo shows seem to be doing well. He's happy with them. I've listened to a few live recordings. It seems I have been getting shout outs before the songs he wrote about me. Now everyone knows... I guess it's only fair since I wrote a whole record about him.

A lot of randomness in my sick haze:

I subscribe to the least hip magazines ever and I was laughing at myself while reading them today. My friends would probably make fun of me if they saw what comes in my mailbox every month. I try to leave Interview and Tape Op on the coffee table and the rest are my (opposite of a) dirty little secret.

My favorite Jelly Belly flavors are Butter Popcorn and Cinnamon. They must be eaten together. One Cinnamon for every two Butter Popcorn. It is like eating movie popcorn and Red Hots which was my favorite as a kid. Perfection. (No I am not eating them, but it is one of my weird sick cravings. They would most certainly make me ick if I ate them today.)

At around 4AM when I was in the thick of being sick and feverish I swear I was seeing things. One being my kitty Gala who we just recently put to sleep. She used to always sleep on my pillow right above my head. I could have sworn she was there last night. She was not, of course, but my three other kitties have not left my side for the last 24 hours. In fact they have almost been crowding me with their love and cuddles.

My child's new favorite saying is "What the hell...?"
I'm so proud.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

cos one day you'll be older too - you might need someone who can pull you through

For me the biggest sign that I was getting "older and wiser" was when I started looking at situations concerning my younger counterparts and I could near perfectly predict the outcome. The urge to meddle is great, but I prefer to observe unless I feel like I have a vested interest in the outcome.
Sound selfish? It isn't supposed to.
I just remember when I was younger and flying full speed ahead in the direction of a mistake. If anyone were to try to tell me anything that even sounded like an opposition to my flights of fancy it would only encourage me to do it.
Of course with my child I have to intervene, it is expected. But with my friends, no way. I will be the last person to tell you what to do unless you ask me directly for my advice. At most I will tell you that I care about you and I'm here for you if you ever need me.

With that I am going to say this. If it applies to you cool, if not, ignore it.
Just know, I'm not trying to point fingers. I'm only getting it off my chest before I shake someone silly:

If you love living that whole Capitol-Hill-Rock-&- Roll-boozing-&-drug-snorting lifestyle AND you think you are in "true-love-always with your BFF"
PLEASE for the love of all things holy DO NOT HAVE BABIES!
Even if you know seemingly hip people that make it look effortless and have great kids and so on... It really is not nearly as easy as it may look, it really does take 120% lifetime commitment and well, you just don't have it if your life revolves around going to the Cha Cha or Linda's or wherever else 6 nights a week.
PLEASE do not use me as an example of why you could do it. You have no idea what I have done, gone through, sacrificed to make it work and even though you might think we are the same, we really have very little in common outside of our taste in music, clothes and hairstyles.
Trust me, you don't have it in you, so don't do it.

End rant. I feel better.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I have an inner voice and she has a megaphone

Are dreams a part of our built in moral compass? Is understanding your dreams the path to self awareness? Do I sound like a hippy when I type that?

I remember once when I was dating a guy I was not entirely happy with I had a dream that changed everything. He was an awful boyfriend for all of the typical, by the book, reasons. Neither of us were happy or fulfilled but we had a lot invested in our relationship, so it was set up to be a relationship that would be very difficult to get out of. I could see the end, but I also knew it would still be a long while before we would get there.
I met another man, there was a spark followed by a moment.
Everyone has had one of these moments. The kind where you think to yourself, "If I wanted to I could have this. I could do this if only I gave in to it."
I didn't act on it, I walked away and then sat with the thought for a very long time.
Cue the dream.
It was one of those dreams that are so real, where you feel so present that you wake up with the feelings of having the air sucked out of your chest. For a moment all of the emotions felt during the dream are as real as anything you have ever felt when you were awake.
In this situation I dreamt that I gave in when that moment came. Everything was going great, better than great actually until the end. In the end he walked in and there was no way out of being caught. I had to face what we had done and with that I got to feel all of the emotions that one would normally feel in this situation.
The only difference between what I was feeling during the dream and what I would have felt in real life was that I could wake up from it and know I had not crossed that line. (Of course in my dream state I did not know this.)
I woke up with that knot you get in your stomach when you have done something terrible that you can't take back. It was as if the air had been knocked out of me after being punched in the gut. My mind was desperately looking for anything I could say to talk my way out of the situation, and there was nothing that could be said. I just had to own up to it, face head on what I did.
It was a terrible feeling.
It took a full five minutes before I was awake enough to realize I had not actually done anything wrong and to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not live with myself if I did.

Not only did this dream let me experience the situation without actually having to experience it, but it showed me it was time to leave a situation I was so unhappy in.

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