Sunday, December 31, 2006

2006: I am a butterfly.

2006 was all about the people.

Goodbye to 2006.

If 2006 had a running theme it would be one that was about interpersonal relationships. I learned more about people this last year than I have in the past several years.

It certainly had its ups and downs and moments of definitive pain and sadness but I am happy with how the year is ending. It is ending with me in a place where I know exactly what I need and expect from the people I consider a part of my inner circle and I know what I will and will not tolerate. I feel stronger and more confident than I have in years. I feel like I am coming out of a long sleep or nightmare with the end of this year.

Highlights and lowlights:

- New Years Eve was pretty magical last year. It was the first time in a long time where I thought everything might have a chance at being OK. I celebrated with good friends and good times. The year looked like it was going to be a great one.

- Jeannine and I experimented with some pretty bizarre natural healing things in the beginning of the year. (can you say Colon Hydrotherapy... um let's just not talk about it.) Had several nights of eating frites and looking at cute hipster boys.

- I got lied to and completely screwed over by three of my closest friends. Came to terms with it and will leave all memories good/bad of them behind with 2006. My break up with my best friend was one of my hardest breakups in the history of breakups for me because I really thought we were best friends. It was hard, but it is behind me now.

- Acquired a stalker.

- Spent time with my mom that was really good. Didn't want to leave.

- Had one of the best birthdays I’ve had in years!

- Got to meet Mira in person!!!

-Watched my daughter change from a little girl to a young woman right before my eyes.

-Had some pretty epic and life changing talks.

-Created the Trump Towers of gerbil land.

-Lost three very beloved pets: Xena Mouse, Kodo Gerbil, and Gala Kitty. It was almost as hard for me as losing people, for real.

-Kodo finally had a litter of babies that survived and are now happily carrying on her legacy which makes it easier to deal with the fact she is gone.

-Got into fight with not one, but two boys trying to mistreat my girlfriend. Decided I'm getting too old to be a kneecap buster.

-Went to Los Angeles for the first time and went to my first VIP celebrity filled party. realized it was sort of boring and really not nearly as fun as Seattle.

-I got to know my brother and his wife better. I am looking forward to them being in my life a lot more down the road. They are good people. It is nice being friends with someone who grew up in the same childhood that I did. It makes me feel less alone. I almost forgot that I wasn't alone.

-I spent a LOT of time alone and I discovered the SIMS which is a good and bad thing. Took out a lot of my agressions on The SIMS. If you made me angry in 2006 I probably turned you into a SIM at some point. ;-) Heehee. They are like electronic Voodoo Dolls. I've created a town called New Seattle. Be afraid.

-Watched two women that I hold in the highest regard meet wonderful men and finally get treated with the love and respect I always knew they would find some day. This warms my heart.

- Found out that I am going to be an Aunt. I can hardly wait.

-Discovered I have a great love for photography and hamming it up for the camera.

-I gained 20 and then lost 30 pounds and I am starting 2007 healthier and in better shape than I have been in since 1998. It feels really good and I look and feel years younger than I did even a few months ago. And I am not done getting fit. I am going to take it all the way this time.

-I finally changed my hair color and I discovered that I CAN wear red lipstick after a 30 year ban on it. It was all a matter of confidence which I suddenly have a lot more of.

-Started picking up my guitar again, wrote some really good songs, sang in front of some people I have a lot of respect for and they actually liked what they heard. I now have the confidence to record and bring music back to the forefront of my life. I've come to grips with the fact that I have talent and I should be proud of it and not let the fact that I suffer from stage fright and lack confidence because of a silly expectation of perfection that I put on myself stop me from doing something that brings me the greatest joy. (It didn't hurt that I co-wrote a song on Jon's record that got some really great press this last year. And I didn't just write lyrics on it like a lot of people thought, I wrote the music and words for the versus and Jon wrote the chorus and arranged it.)

-I wrote more this year and got to a point where I am censoring myself less and opening up more which has lead to some of the best writing I've done in my life.

2006 was quite the year. Glad it is over.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

R.I.P. Kodo

A few hours ago our oldest gerbil passed away. This makes me very sad. She was not only my favorite, but she was our first gerbil and she is the mother of all of the other gerbils we have. (The photo is of Kodo not long after all of her babies were born.) She lived a long and very spoiled life as far as gerbils go. She will be missed.

What a way to end the year.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Family Ties

My older brother and his wife are visiting right now. It has been years since I have had a chance to spend any time with my brother and this is the first chance I have had to get to know his wife Laura. This is also the first time Jon has met one of my brothers.
We have been having fun running around the city for the last couple of days. I did catch a killer cold the day they got here, but I've been a trooper and getting by with loads of Dayquil.
We have had lots of talks and laughs.

Will go into more detail about all of this later. For now here are a couple of photos. (Mostly for my mom's benefit. Look mom, two of your kids in the same city at the same time!! It really has been years.)

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Welcome to the monkey house.

The question of the day: How was your Christmas?
The answer of the day: Fine thanks.

If I were a banana, I would be peeled.
Unprotected, open, soft, delicate.

Someday everything I am feeling right now will go into a story and that story will have a happy ending even if that is not the truth. Today I just need some sleep. Only a few more hours before I can go to bed.

Monday, December 25, 2006

And to all a good night...

I have to work in the morning so it doesn't feel like a holiday, it feels like a Sunday. Since Tomorrow is a Tuesday (The deadline day for the paper I work at) I am already getting a headache thinking about tomorrow and how stressful it is going to be, because nobody is going to be at work... well nobody but me that is. :-)

Here is the holiday breakdown before I go to sleep.

Stupid guy ruining friends life left town for the holidays. (Hooray!) Check.
Doing what I can to make sure he never comes back to town. Check.
Went to in-laws. Check.
Ate turkey. Check.
Watched small person open 12 bazillion gifts. Check.
Watched small person dissolve into a world of video games. Check.
Started to clean apartment for impending visitors. Check.
Decided it was just my brother, so it doesn't need to be sparkling, stopped cleaning and decided to actually try to enjoy my ONE day off without obligation this weekend. Check.
Made it through another holiday season without incident. Check.
Make all well wishing holiday phone calls and mail gifts. Tomorrow.

364 more days before we get to do it all over again!
Over and out.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Things I like about the holidays

(Just so I don't come across as a total Bah Humbug)

1- The Nutcracker- went last night. It was just as beautiful as last year.

2- It's a Wonderful Life. I always start watching it around Turkey day and usually once more before New Years Eve.

3- After Christmas sales. It is the time of year I do all of my clothes shopping. There is nothing better than 75% off!

4- Christmas lights on outdoor trees. I wish they were just there all year around and not connected to the holidays. I love how they look, especially the white and the red ones. Not such a big fan of the rainbow lights.

5- White Christmas- I love this DVD. I love watching it in my PJs super early in the morning. Guys were just so cool back then.

6- It is an excuse to buy my kid lots of gifts. This makes her happy and her being happy makes me happy.

And that is it.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

2:45 AM

Every morning you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and you say:
"Today I'm going to be happy."
You go through the lists of things in your head that you are going to do right today.
I'm going to eat right
I'm not going to procrastinate
I'm going to pay my bills
I'm going to put up the Christmas tree
I'm going to go Christmas shopping
I'm going to do the dishes
I'm going to do the laundry
I'm going to rehearse that song
I'm going to finish that project
I'm going to be productive
I'm not going to waste time
I'm not going to watch Television
I'm not going to play The Sims
I'm not going to play any number of the online word games I am addicted to
I'm not going to watch DVD's
I'm not going to daydream
I'm not going to daydream
I'm not going to daydream...

Every day starts with the best intentions.
You know what they say about good intentions.
No really, do you know what they say about good intentions?
I used to know, but I forgot and I don't feel like looking it up.

I really wish I liked the holiday season, but I really don't. I don't ever remember liking the holidays. Maybe I did once, but those memories escape me today.
The holidays totally stress me out. I start to get uncomfortable on November 1st and it moves it's way up to a near panic by December 25th. I only look forward to New Years Eve every year because, for me, it is the party that means; "You don't have to do this again for another 365 days! Hooray!"

On a happier note, I went to the doctor last week and it seems I am doing much better than I was this time last year. My ovaries are still pretty much useless and I will never have another baby, and that is OK because I wasn't planning on more anyhow, but the rest of me is a helluva lot healthier. I've been managing my insulin levels better by actually taking my drugs on time every day like I am supposed to and not eating or drinking anything with sugar or alcohol in it since September. This has resulted in me losing 20 something pounds and getting my body back to normal. (I let myself get absolutely chubby over the summer with my overindulging in things my sad little pancreas can't process) It does feel good to have my normal body back again and have my clothes fit right and like how I look naked again. I don't think I will be trying to push that envelope anymore as I am no longer a kid and I have every intention of meeting my future great grand children. Let's just call my summer of overindulgence an experiment in figuring out where the line is. Now I know where it is, and I will respect it.

I think sometimes I forget that even though I am headstrong I am not invincible.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

How to spend a Saturday afternoon...

Draw about 100 stick figures and turn them into a music video!
Check it out:

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

R.I.P. Xena Mouse

She died yesterday. She was about 14 months old which is a long life for a small mouse. In the last few weeks she started to grow some pretty scary looking tumors. They showed up overnight and finally they took over. She was still running in the wheel all the way to the end.

We will miss you little Xena mouse!

Monday, December 04, 2006

I will save you from drowning if you first teach me how to swim. Deal?

My boyfriends don't ever break my heart, it is always my girlfriends that do.

When someone I know and love is hurt I want to come out swinging. I want to take down the problem and put a smile back on their face. I have been known to chase a person down the street if that means protecting the person I love. If you know me, you know this about me.

Right now, as I write this I know that somewhere else in the city a beautiful woman who I love like a sister is sitting with a man who sees her as a meal ticket. He disrespects her, makes her feel less than herself, emotionaly abuses her and belittles her until she really thinks that is all she deserves. All in the name of "love" (and getting his fix and a free place to stay for one more day.)

I wish she could see herself how I see her.

She is a bright and beautiful woman. She has read more books than most people even bother to flip through. She is witty and funny and easy to talk to. She hit a rough patch a while back and got pretty down, but she came out of it. A shining becon of hope that told the world we are not meant to become the relationships we had with our fathers (if they were bad ones) and even with the odds against you, you shall overcome.

By the summer she was actually beaming! She was radiant and looked five years younger. She had kicked smoking, an ugly habit she had for years, she was exercising and she was being healthy. She was promoted at work, her relationship with her family was going great, she was even spending time with her girlfriends again where there was fun and chit chat and laughter and even karaoke, it wasn’t like in the dark days when she only stole moments away to vent about the horrors at home. No one controlling her or breathing down her neck. She was poised for success.

Enter Him.

Him who uses. Him who abuses. Him who lies and lies and lies and lies. Him who is selfish and hateful and doesn’t care about who he hurts. Him who steals and would not blink if he left her homeless. Him who ruins holidays. Him who keeps her away from her friends. Him who isolates. Him who cheats.


He was supposed to be a long weekend. An exciting roll in the hay before he left town. A rebound screw. Not the permanant fixture on her sofa and he psyche that he became. Not the reason she started smoking again and is up to a pack a day. Not the reason she started shutting down and shutting out the people who love her. Not the reason she is drunk by noon on a Sunday.

I don’t like him.
I would almost go as far as to say I despise him right now.

She thinks she loves him.

When I think of what he is doing to her, what he has already taken from her I feel a rage, a hurt, a pain in my heart and I don’t know where to put it. I want nothing more than to steal her away and hug her so hard and tell her I love her and say the perfect combo of words that will make her remember how happy she was before HIM. make her remeber the resolve she had two days ago when she made him leave. A week ago when she made him leave. Tomorrow when she makes him leave... but then he comes back.

He knows the perfect combo of words. He hugs her hard and tells her she is all alone without him. How he is the only one she needs and he is the only one who will ever love her.

And he comes back.
And she is all alone again.
And the people who love her are more frustrated, some have even given up.
She is a little more alone.
He has a little more control.

These days she is always tired and looks like she feels 100 years old. Her eyes are red rimmed from crying and I don’t remember the last time I saw her smile. You would never know she was the same radiant beauty from so few months ago if you stood them side by side. I don't remember the last time she hung out with her friends where his drama did not follow. When the last time she just had fun for the sake of fun and not because she was running from him or hiding from him...


All I can do is cry and worry and feel helpless.

Now I am faced with choices.
None of them sound the least bit appealing.
She is my friend, I feel duty bound to protect her, to stand up for her, and these choices I have to make me feel like I am just ratting her out or giving up on her.

Do I do something that will make her hate me because I love her enough to want to save her?
Do I call the police?
Do I call her mom?
Do I get all of the people who love her together in a room and hold her there until she sees herself the way we see her and realizes that she is not alone and she deserves so much more?
Do I get every woman he ever abused in a room and have them tell her one by one how they all have the same story, how he told each one of them he would change and how he left them to pick up the aftermath when they had nothing left to give him. After he had used them all up.

If I do, would she ever forgive me or would she look back someday when she is radient again and understand that I did it because I really love her so much and I need her to be OK?

Or do I stand by and do nothing? Just watch it all burn to the ground from a safe distance.
If I do nothing can I live with myself?

I would like to do the right thing for my beautiful friend that I love.

I just wish someone would tell me what “the right thing” is right now because I just don’t know anymore.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Look what I made!

The snow came back this afternoon. It melted away during the day and right at 5PM when all the kids were going home from work, it dumped on us. Traffic was backed up so the bus was running late. I made this little snowman to keep me company while I waited and waited and waited...

*EDIT: It seems my mini snowperson was meant for "great" things. I was contacted by a little news website today who are going to use the little guy for a story about the crazy weather we are having in the PNW right now. Fun!

Perfection is for snowflakes and they melt away.

It is snowing. It's a warm snow. I took a long walk. People and cars were moving gingerly through it. (The word gingerly kept coming to mind while I was walking.)
It gets quieter when it snows. No matter where I've ever lived, the snow adds an extra sound buffer, like a rug on a live stage or an egg crate in a practice room.
I love how the snow sticks to people walking in it. It reminds me of sprinkling the cinnamon on my perfectly foamed Cappuccino. Every step there is another photo, symbols of quiet and solitude all around.
I love when I walk through the neighborhood during snowfall. The sidewalks are layered and you can see the footprints of the people who have already walked there. It's an added pleasure when I'm the first to walk down a sidewalk. With each step I scar the delicate lacey blanket of snowflakes leaving something new behind. This excites me in the same way the first cut into a beautiful, artistic birthday or wedding cake does. A poetic and harmless destruction of perfection to create a different kind of sad beauty. This brand of beauty has always appealed to me more than perfection ever could.
When I look back down a street and only see my footprints I momentarily feel like the only person in the whole world. You don't get that feeling living right in the heart of a big city very often, so it is welcome.
For a minute the whole city is clean again. Everything is white with ice crystal sparkles. Soft edges everywhere. If you squint just right, nothing is bad. There is peace.

But my favorite thing about Seattle snow is that I know by the morning it will be gone.
The only Long Winters here play rock music.
This makes me truly appreciate every snowflake and it's own brand of fleeting perfection.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Turkey Day!

Darian and I have ordered dinner and we are going to eat and catch up with The Sopranos! (Note that the photo is us hanging out with Little Steven aka Silvio Dante; Tony Soprano's right hand man!!)

Just wanted to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving.


Sunday, November 19, 2006

Rainy Sunday

Since it was so gross outside today we did a lot of crafts around my house. I came up with this silly little tour flyer for Jon. I used celebrity magazines to "paint" with over a silly doodle I made.
Jon has not seen it yet so I am curious as to what he will think about having Angelina's lips or Scarlet's nose.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

I wish!

So I did one of those celeb face things everyone else is doing. (If everyone else jumped off a bridge...) I will admit I am only posting it because I didn't get anyone too objectionable. I also didn't get any men on mine, which is good. I also didn't get any of the people that people are always telling me I look "Just like"
So here is the silly thing:

Friday, November 17, 2006


Just wanted to note that today marks two years working at The Stranger.



Where does the time go?

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Proud Mommy

Parent teacher conference day was today.

The teacher gave her all A's. She said that she doesn't have any concerns, no red flags to worry about.
D is a model student and the teacher thinks she should start college courses as soon as she gets into High School. She said D is one of her strongest students and a joy to have in her class.

That's right, she's brilliant.

Snoopy dance.... Hammer time! Uh uh!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Thrifting: A book with no words

I love going to thrift stores. There is a huge one downstairs from my office and a smaller one across the street so I spend many a lunch hour wandering the isles.
My fascination with thrift stores runs a little deeper than just the fantastic deals you find. It is a given that thrift shopping is like treasure hunting. When you find that perfect something for next to nothing it is a total rush.
For me, thrift stores are like reading a book without words. They fuel my imagination and take me on mini mental vacations every time I spend some alone time in one. A lot of people who thrift don't think about the fact that a lot of the things in those places are from people who are no longer alive. The things that are on the shelves, for some, are the only thing left in the world that belonged to them.
I know, they are just things right? But how many of us are totally attached to our things? How many of you have a most favorite shirt or perfect skinny jeans or favorite cozy sweater? These things mean a lot to us. They are our comfort belongings.
I'm sure when my time comes my diamond bracelet, earrings, and wedding rings will go to my daughter. But my favorite outfit would probably mean very little to my loved ones after I am gone and would more than likely end up being donated to a thrift store. They would have no way of knowing how much happiness these small comfort objects gave me.
So when I am perusing the isles of a thrift store I am thinking up stories of the people behind the things. When I find a gorgeous vintage Gucci bag valued at $500 marked with a $10 price tag sitting in a pile of Target duffel bags I think of the woman who owned it and probably cherished it. How she lovingly took care of it and that is why it is still in such great shape after all of these years. How she only used it on her most special occasions. I think about how she might have died. Was she young, was she old, was she alone? I think about the person who dropped it off at the store. Was it a daughter, a friend, a widower, or the people who run the rest home?
I see the wall of wigs and wonder about the women who used to wear them. These are not just Halloween wigs, these are wigs that were expensive and well taken care of. Was it a Cancer patient, an older lady facing hair loss, a trans-gender man? I look at the many empty Oxygen tank trollies lined up in the back of the store and wonder about how many years the owner smoked before they drown inside of themselves. When I come across a piece of clothing that reeks of cigarette smoke I wonder if it belonged to someone who belonged to one of those tank trollies.
When I see loads of brand new baby clothes with tags still attached I wonder about the family who maybe never got to bring a baby home they had been so excited about. I wonder if they donated all of the clothes because they were too painful to keep around.
I find comfort in the knowledge that someday, after I am long gone from this world, maybe someone will still be walking around in my favorite shoes.

My bets are on blue...

My big brother is becoming a father. This will be his first child. (He obviously didn't start as early as I did with the whole baby having thing) Congrats to Brandon and his wife Laura!
For the record, I've decided they are having a boy. I figure I've got a 50/50 chance of being correct!

And here is another one....

This was 120 minutes on MTV back when they still played music on MTV. Also around the time I met Jon (Has it really been 11 years already? Madness!)
They are so cute because they are such a ball of nerves. Oh youth!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Dream all Day...

Someone uploaded this video to Youtube and I just came across it tonight. I forgot how funny it was. All of the smoke and hair.
(For my relatives who read this and have never met him, my hubby is the one singing lead on this song) Oh the days of yor when Seattle was all about hair and Doc Martins.

OMG- gotta love Youtube. No sooner did I post this when I found this one too:

I Heart Gadgets!

Along with my dream camera I have added this nifty little doodad to my wish list.
Gorillapod, a small, flexible tripod tool that can attach itself to just about anything. What a great idea!

More here:

Monday, November 13, 2006

I could not resist! Seattle: Cat Adoption Nov 18th

I saw this as ad of the day on the Stranger website and had to repost it. If you are thinking about adding to your family please head over to this event! I may go just to see all of the little furry faces! (Although I do tend to get new pets every time Jon goes on tour.)

Cat Adoption in Meadowbrook Community Center Nov. 18th
Join us as the Seattle Animal Shelter hosts an off-site cat adoptation at the Meadowbrook Community Center. There will be many cats and kittens of different breeds available for adoption from noon to 3 pm. Adoption fees range from $82 to $87 (payable by check or cash).

Saturday, November 18th
Noon to 3pm

Meadowbrook Community Center
10517 35th Ave NE 98125 (Lake City)

Phone: 206 – 386 - PETS

Sunday, November 12, 2006

The most wonderful time of the year...

Satsumas = Mouthgasm

I damn near did a little dance when I saw the boxes stacked in the store this weekend.

And other things that remind me of this time of year: This Red House Painters song just came up on my iTunes.
(This song tends to turn up on a lot of my Fall/Winter mixes)

Song: Have You Forgotten
-Red house Painters

I can't let you be, cause your beauty won't allow me
wrapped in white sheets,
like an angel from a bedtime story
and shut out what they say,
cause your friends are fucked up anyway
and when they come around,
somehow they feel up and you feel down.

When we were kids, we hated things our parents did
we listened low to Casey Kasem's radio show
that's when friends were nice,
to think of them just makes you feel nice
the smell of grass in spring
and October leaves cover everything.

Have you forgotten how to love yourself? [x2]

I can't believe all the good things that you do for me
sat back in a chair like a princess from a faraway place
nobody's nice, when you're older your heart turns to ice
and shut out what they say;
they're too dumb to mean it anyway

When we were kids, we hated things our sisters did
backyard summer pools and Christmases were beautiful
and the sentiment of coloured mirrored ornaments
and the open drapes
look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

May your soda always be fizzy and may your Doritos never be soggy.

Confessions of a 7 year old. (sorry mom) ;-)

When I was little my mom and dad told me I was not allowed to eat my father's Doritos or drink his Coca Cola because it would ruin my dinner and my teeth.

They used to buy the Coca-Cola by the suitcase full, so every now and then I would sneak one out of the fridge in the middle of the night and hide it under my bed. Sometimes I would even take two.

Eventually I had quite the stockpile of soda squirreled away. I would drink the sugary and caffeinated goodness while everyone else in the house were sleeping. Then I would sneak into the kitchen and steal the giant bag of chips. I would eat as many as I thought I could get away with without being noticed and then I would suck the cheese off more of them one chip at a time and carefully line them up on a plate to dry.

When I had my fill of nacho cheese goodness I would dump the cheeseless chips back into the bag and shake the bag to "recoat" the chips with the cheese from the other chips. Then I would put it back where I found it, no one the wiser.

True story.

So, the burning question is: Do you really know what your kids are doing while you're sleeping?

Monday, November 06, 2006

A dream unusual of its kind

The nightmares have started again. I was blissfully without them for a blessed few months but they came back full force this weekend. Last night's dream was so scary I woke up at 4AM clutching the blankets around me and shivering. I had to put my glasses on and turn on the lamp before I could calm down. I almost went and crawled into bed with Darian, but decided against it. Instead I curled up with Buddy who always seems to be right there when I wake up like that. It is like he knows.

That is the hardest part about sleeping alone. Most of the time it is a bit of a luxury. You can sprawl across the bed, leave the TV on whatever channel you want, arrange the pillows just right and roll all over in your sleep without disturbing anyone. I don't sleep well, so it is a challenge to sleep next to me. The big downside comes when you wake up from a nightmare and you are not sure if it was a dream or if it was real and you don't have someone to grab ahold of who will whisper that it was just a dream and it is OK to go back to sleep.

Saturday's dream was full of Zombies. These zombies would turn you into one if you looked directly at them. I was walking through the dream with my eyes closed, bumping into things, hearing awful things going on around me. It was a strange dream because it was completely audio. The most frightening part was the blackness and the fear of opening my eyes. I could hear people poking out their own eyes just to avoid accidentally looking at the zombies. Totally freaky and horrible.

Last night was just a whole new level of dark and still too fresh to even try to describe because, frankly, I am still a little afraid of it. It was scary because it was a lot more believable and realistic than zombies. It's theme was something that could really happen.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

I want to beat up Cancer

Growing up in a house full of boys, we solved a lot of our problems with our fists. As far as I know my brothers would never hit a girl now that they are adults, but as children, I don’t think they ever considered their sister a girl. I was an equal to them and that meant I was fair game.
My brothers are also both over 6’3” tall, so I was pretty small next to them. The only advantage of being the middle child in this situation was, by nature, I became a pretty strong negotiator.
These skills have come in handy as an adult. When faced with a crisis I can both negotiate and I can take a punch (literally and figuratively)

As far as girls go, I am a pretty tough cookie. I am a fighter through and through.

The only thing that I can’t figure out how to take on is disease. It seems that everywhere I turn right now someone is being taken down by some sort of horrible disease. I know three people who have started some form of Chemo in the last month. The youngest is only 11 years old. Cancer is such a sneaky horrible disease and when you are watching it attack someone you care about all you can do is sit there and hope and pray that it will go away. It makes one feel helpless.

Simply put, I wish I could beat up Cancer. I think it really deserves a major ass kicking.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Love my buddy

Maybe that is why my google bar at the top of blogger is always showing cat related links?

Lots to report, no desire to report it, so I will give you this for now:
Jon is in Europe again. He will be touring for the whole month of November.

Here are the dates for those of you who live across the pond:
Nov 3 2006 9:00P Garage Oslo, Norway
Nov 4 2006 9:00P Garage Bergen, Norway
Nov 5 2006 9:00P Debaser Stockholm, Sweden
Nov 6 2006 9:00P KB Malmo, Sweden
Nov 8 2006 9:00P Pusterviksbaren Gothenburg, Sweden
Nov 9 2006 9:00P Klubi Tampere, Finland
Nov 10 2006 9:00P Dynamo Turku, Finland
Nov 11 2006 9:00P Bar 68 Jyvaskyla, Finland
Nov 12 2006 9:00P Tavastia Club Helsinki, Finland
Nov 14 2006 8:00P Melkweg Amsterdam, Holland
Nov 15 2006 9:00P Ekko Utrecht, Holland
Nov 16 2006 9:00P De Schuit Leiden, Holland
Nov 18 2006 9:00P Trix Antwerp, Belgium
Nov 19 2006 8:00P Pop In Paris, France
Nov 21 2006 9:00P Moby Dick! Madrid, Spain
Nov 22 2006 10:00P Fabrica de Chocolate Vigo, Spain
Nov 23 2006 8:00P Teatre Lloseta Mallorca, Spain
Nov 24 2006 9:00P Sala La 2 Barcelona, Spain
Nov 25 2006 9:00P Planta Baja Granada, Spain
Nov 26 2006 7:00P El Lokel Zurich, Switzerland
Nov 27 2006 9:00P Szene Wien Vienna, Austria
Nov 28 2006 9:00P Weekender Club Innsbruck, Austria
Nov 29 2006 9:00P Gruner Jager Hamburg, Germany
Nov 30 2006 9:00P Gleis 22 Munster, Germany
Dec 1 2006 9:00P Borderline London, England
Dec 2 2006 8:00P Casa de S. & M. Mills! Somewhere
Dec 3 2006 9:00P King Tuts Glasgow, Scotland

More info at

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween!!

Here is My little Sakura Princess and a pill popping Courtney Love getting ready to go trick or treating!

Sunday, October 29, 2006


More fun with photos this weekend.

come around at christmas
i really have to see you
smile at me slyly
another festive compromise
but i live with desertion
and eight million people
distant noises
other voices
pulsing in my swinging arms
caress the sound
so many dead
and all the other voices said
change your mind
you're always wrong

Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Last Time I Saw Paris

Was never! :-)
BUT last night my husband asked me if I wanted to go.

We are now in the process of planning our very first international family vacation!
We just have to get Darian's passport since she is going to come with us.

You should have seen her face, she got SO excited!

She is so happy these days. She loves having a family with both a mom and a dad SO much. She is blossoming in that environment. It just warms my heart.

Jon, Darian and I had such a good time travelling to Alaska for a week, so we know we travel well together. This is going to be awesome.

I've wanted to go to Paris for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid I had pictures of the Eiffel tower all over my room.
I was obsessed with the place!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Happy 12th birthday!

Wow. Twelve years have gone by.
Twelve long years have just vanished.
Whenever my daughter's birthday rolls around it makes me feel a little reflective. It forces me to take a moment to really consider the last several years. I try to remember what it was like before I was someone's mom. The more time that passes the less I remember about that time.
Now that she is getting older and is at an age where she is closer to being an independent adult than she is to being an infant I have noticed I've been experiencing a new and different fear than I did before. Before I would worry about making sure that I am being a good influence, that I am teaching her to walk, talk, use the bathroom, to dress herself, get along with kids at school, to share, to basically do all of the things we as adults do every day and take for granted that someone at some point taught us.
Now my worries have shifted. Now I worry about preparing her for life on a deeper level. I am always aware of the fact that every move I make is watched and recorded by her to draw on as an example of what to do or not to do when she is and adult. I have to ask her to speak up when ordering in restaurants to prepare her for being assertive in future office situations. I have her handle the debit machine in the store so she understands the basics of shopping. I teach her to look at labels of everything we purchase so she understands serving sizes and nutritious content. I have her look up her fast food meals on online menus so she really understands what she is putting in her body when she wants a second taco. I have to make sure to tell her "No." every once in a while, even if I know she will be mad at me, so she understands that in life we don't always get what we want.
And the hardest thing, the thing that a person could lose sleep over if they think too long and hard about it: I have to try really hard to be the kind of adult that I want her to be better than someday.

Live by example. Never be a "do as I say, not as I do" kind of parent. Those are the types that wonder why their kids never call after all they did for them as a child, they wonder where they went so wrong when their kids end up in bad situations married to abusers, or addicted to drugs.
The man who is holding his third beer after work waving his arm in his son's face saying, "I don't ever want to catch you drinking!"
The kind of mom who is lecturing her daughter on being promiscuous when her daughter has seen a revolving door of men come through the house.
The father who won't cry in front of his son or the mother who won't let go of a man even if he is hitting her in fear of being alone.

Kids can overcome difficult childhoods. We are not destined to become our parents, but it isn't the norm. My biggest fear is that my daughter will become a young mom just like I was, like my mother was and my grandmother before her. The last thing I want for my daughter is to give up on her youth so early. I want her to have it in her to chase her dreams with the freedom to make mistakes, and choices and to enjoy everything that youth has to offer. I want her to be secure in the fact that she is really loved for who she is and that she has a family who would do anything for her and support her in any way. I don't want her to be so lonely for a real family that she decides to throw her youth away to create one by having a child of her own.

I don't regret having a daughter when I did, I would not change it now because she is the love of my life. I only wish I would have waited until I had an identity of my own before I had a baby. Now I wonder what kind of adult I will be when she leaves me.
Will I regress and be a pathetic forty-something trying to pretend I am a twenty-something? I know women like that, and it is just sad. Old ladies hanging out at the rock clubs with the young kids trying to dress like them and hang with them and even -ugh- date them.
Will I try to be her friend more than her mother?
Will I fall into a deep depression when it hits me that being a mother has been the greatest thing I have ever done and it is over, and just look forward to maybe being a grandmother?
Or will I freak out and have another baby because that is all I know how to do? (Meaning I would be a mother for my entire adult life.)

I don't think people need to have a lot of money, live in a big house or drive a nice car to be good parents or to want to have children. But I think it should be a requirement that they know themselves, love themselves and know what they want/expect/deserve from life before they decide to become parents. I think where things get really bogged up in the parent/child relationship is when the child is looking for an example and the parent has no idea how to be one.

Monday, October 16, 2006

The days are getting shorter. Bring on the crazy.

The shorter days and cooler weather brings the crazy out in people.
Not only have I received a slew of phone calls at the office from random drunk/crazy/just generally scary people, but I have also received a few slightly frightening and harassing emails via all of the usual social networking outlets.

Maybe the hot sun keeps the crazies sluggish and unmotivated in the summer?
Maybe since Halloween is in the air people think that gives the crazies license to act like fools?
I don't know what it is, but I am just trying hard to remain level headed. I find myself looking over my shoulder a little more than usual and I clutch my pepper spay for dear life whenever venturing out in public. Otherwise it is business as usual.

I think it is universal. Crazy goes in waves. When I am finding myself feeling like it is coming from all directions, loads of my friends are feeling it in their lives as well.

This morning, in the early hours when I was heading into work, a rather ominous fellow sauntered up to me. He first asked me for change. I told him I didn't have any change and tried to step around him.
He stepped to the side blocking my path again, I nearly walked right into him.
He was peering at my coffee cup as though he were implying that I must have change due to the fact that I just purchased coffee. I muttered something about having purchased it with a credit card and tried to step around him again. Again he stepped in my way.
This time he posed the question, "What is your name?"
I answered, "No thank you." Just as I was taught in my etiquette classes.
(The rule is: No matter what the question, when you are getting unwanted male attention just answer "No thank you" and walk away. It is funny the things that stick with us from when we are kids.)

He stopped me again and said, "No, I want to introduce myself to you, maybe get to know you better."
I'm positive the look on my face said it all. If it were translated into words it probably would have been something along the lines of, "You have got to be f-ing kidding me?"

*Guys, a general rule of thumb: Don't try to ask a girl out whom you just tried to panhandle from.

I saw two of my co-workers heading to the front door so I jogged over to them leaving Mr Weirdo in the dust.

Everything comes and goes
Pleasure moves on too early
And trouble leaves too slow
Just when you're thinking
You've finally got it made
Bad news comes knocking
At your garden gate
Knocking for you

Thursday, October 12, 2006

My iTunes so totally has it in for me

It played Homeward Bound which always gets to me, but especially now when I am feeling all emotional and sad.
The songs following were:
Everything is Broken- Bob Dylan
and then
My Little Town S&G

I have 1874 songs on my iTunes.
Sometimes I swear this computer has it's own personality.

My iTunes has got it in for me.
I think I pissed it off when I downloaded Sexy Back.
Yeah you heard me.
I downloaded a JT song.
I will be handing in my cool creds shortly...

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Monday, October 09, 2006

Animals in need of our help

God, this just makes me sick.
I have pet Gerbils, Mice and Kitties at home and I could never imagine anyone wanting to hurt any of them. They are all such sweet and gentle animals. Info on how you can help is at the bottom of this re-post:

I just read this article from King5 and it's a horrible thing that happened to these animals.

$5,000 reward offered for info about pet store break-in

SEATTLE - A total of $5,000 in reward money is being offered in connection with a pet store break-in over the weekend.

The operators of the "Animal Talk" pet store and shelter say cats have been traumatized by burglars who ripped open cages, kicked the cats and stomped gerbils and mice to death.

Pasado’s Safe Haven is offering $2,500 and the Humane Society of the United States is also offering $2,500 for information about those responsible for the crime.

Early Saturday morning, thieves hacked through the front door of the store in the Roosevelt neighborhood. Volunteers arrived to find animals everywhere and dozens of dead animals on the floor.

The 44 cats that were let out of their cages fought each other and hunted the smaller animals.

“It was just devastating initially because to get to the cats and to get to the animals we were having to walk over little dead bodies,” said owner Missy Young.

Lots of help is pouring in, but much more is needed now that the full extent of the damage is becoming clearer.

A veterinarian who examined the cats on Sunday determined that seven had been brutalized.

"At least two of them had to have been drop-kicked. They have internal injuries, bruising, bleeding," said Young.

The shelter is now looking at thousands of dollars in vets bills and are in shock after realizing what the cats went through.

"What initially happened seemed like a spree, an immature and cruel act but this just goes into the realm of vicious. It's torture," said volunteer Susan Wilk.

An emerging pattern

A spokeswoman for the Humane Society of the United States said Saturday's crimes demonstrate that people who commit cruelty to animals often engage in other illegal activities.

"The suspect(s) in this case not only committed burglary but may face felony cruelty charges for intentionally killing and injuring animals," said Inga Gibson.

Gibson said studies have found that people who abuse animals are likely to escalate to violence against humans.

"The FBI has recognized the connection since the 1970's, when its analysis of the lives of serial killers suggested that most had killed or tortured animals as children," she said.

Gibson said research has also shown consistent patterns of animal cruelty among perpetrators of more common forms of violence, including child abuse, spouse abuse, and elder abuse.

"Residents should be concerned that such offenders are in their community and such crimes should be taken seriously," she said.

How you can help

Send donations to: Animal Talk Rescue C/O Animal Talk, 6514 Roosevelt Way NE, Seattle, WA 98115.

If you have information relating to this crime, or know of someone who may have one of the stolen animals in custody, contact the Seattle Animal Shelter at (206) 386-PETS(7387) or the Seattle Police Department non-emergency line at (206) 625-5011.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Yes yes yes how deliciously meaningless

I've decided that I have entered another phase in my life. In my mid-twenties, whenever I hit a rough patch, emotional crisis, or would get really steamed and worked up about some injustice in the world all of my friends who were five plus years older would tell me things like, "Just wait until you are my age. You will look at it differently."

I used to want to throw stuff at them in response. (Or just shake them silly.)
It was so frustrating to me that people who were only five years older than me would have the nerve to say something that sounded so condescending.
To add insult to injury, these were usually people who did not have children and who mostly lived their lives looking for the next party. This means I was already leaps ahead of them on the Things you are supposed to do when you are a grown up list.

Now I am beginning to think there was something to it.
Not that I have some grand secret knowledge that was bestowed upon me with my first white hair.
I don't think I know any more than I did five years ago, I think the secret is in knowing less.

Now that I am a little older, my once very sharp mind has been feeling a lot more like a plastic butter knife.

Someone traded my bowl for a strainer without telling me.

Everything has a fuzzy edge like an out of focus photo.

It makes everything prettier and less *meaningful.

You mean it's all been meaningless?
Every whisper and caress?
Yes yes yes it was totally meaningless
like when two fireflies fluoresce
Just like everything I guess
it was utterly meaningless
Even less
a little glimpse of nothingness
sucking meaning from the
rest of this mess
Yes yes yes it was thoroughly meaningless
and if some dim bulb should say
we were in love in some way
kick all his teeth in for me
and if you feel like keeping on kicking
feel free

* I feel somehow obligated to mention that I am running on 3 hours of sleep right now & I have not eaten any type of junk food, chocolate or sweets in over a week. This results in a very fatalistic view of everything.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

October is a month for music

I wrote a new song for a dear friend of mine. I wish I could help her with what she is going through, but I can't.
This is something she has to go through herself.

Here are the lyrics to the new song:

You can kiss me
just don't talk to me.

I've got nothing left to give.

You can hold me,
just not control me.

I can't even control myself.

Don't contend with the man who has less to lose than you.
Don't pretend that you can be anything less than true.
Don't hold out hope when the nights are always cold.
Don't hang onto something that makes you feel so old.

Wanting is more than having,
it fills up the empty space.
When the other side of the bed
is a million miles away.

I care not for signs
when the symbols have all gone cold.

Don't hang onto something that makes you feel so old.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

October Mix

The Soundtrack

1- I'll Follow You Into the Dark 3:11 Death Cab For Cutie Plans
2- We Both Go Down Together 3:04 The Decemberists
3- Its Gonna Be Alright 3:30 Pricilla Ahn
4- You Are What You Love 2:52 Jenny Lewis With The Watson Twins
5- Motel Blues 3:03 Big Star
6- If You Leave 4:57 Nada Surf
7- Pushover 2:37 The Long Winters
8- Don't Blow It 4:10 The Elected
9- Farming it out 1:25 Mary Lou Lord
10- Always See Your Face 3:21 Love
11- Hearts And Bones 5:38 Paul Simon
12- Fade Into You 4:55 Mazzy Star
13- Powder Keg 3:41 Pete Krebs
14- Guess It May 4:11 Rosie Thomas
15- Leave Me Be (Zombies Cover) 2:18 Posies
16- Fidelity 3:47 Regina Spektor
17- Lullaby 5:30 Pricilla Ahn
18- Oceans Cracked 2:52 Tubetop
19- Various Stages 4:11 Great Lake Swimmers
20- Overs (Live) 2:25 Simon & Garfunkel

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Saturday, September 30, 2006

A simple act of kindness...


My mom clipped this from the anchorage paper. How wonderful would if be if this sweet little girl were to get cards from all over the world? I am sending her one today. I hope some of you will join me and send her one as well! She is only 4 so a cool post card with a bright and fun photo of where you are from and 'GET WELL SOON' on the back would be enough!

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."
-The Dalai Lama

Friday, September 29, 2006

Beam me up!


Monday, September 25, 2006


I found these photos on a VERY impressive collection of favorites on flickr. CLICK HERE to see more cute kitty photos!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

You make me feel like I am home again...

There are songs that are so bound to my emotional memories I can hear the first few notes of the bass line and I swear I am 16 again.
I get a sudden rush of emotions from that time in my life. Even the air starts to smell like it did in the fall of 1990.
This avalanche of emotions takes me over. The anxieties I was feeling at the time are as real during this three minute song as they were back then.
I remember that there was a boy and he was my whole world. I would have done anything for him. I remember his crooked smile, and the way he could make my heart hurt in a way only a first love can. I remember how he changed me. How he made me trust a little less, made me believe a little less, made me understand that there are no "happily ever afters" only "devils you know".
I allow myself to remember because I know that someday she might ask me about him and I have to try to remember as much as I can so I can tell her everything I know.

Then the song ends
and I am here again
and so happy that part of my life is behind me.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

So here's the dill pickle...

Sometimes I wish I could erase people. I never used to wish that. I used to try to keep the whole happy go lucky attitude of: "I would not be where I am now if I had not know that person"

Yeah, whatever.

Sometimes I wish I could still be where I am now, but I had the power to erase someone from my memory bank entirely like on the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

In this day and age of technology and our great dependance upon it, I suppose to some degree we can erase someone. I deleted someone from my cell phone not too long ago and it was a liberating feeling. That doesn't mean they can't call me, but they no longer have a place in my address book. Of course the downside is, now if they do call me I won't know it is them and I might actually answer the phone! I didn't say it was a well thought out deletion, just a momentarily liberating one!

Those of us who use pages like Myspace and Friendster can delete friends (Oh if only it were that easy) I can't say I have ever deleted anyone out of anger from there. I feel like I am above it for some reason. (I know, the girl who is sitting here writing about how she wishes she could erase people is above deleting them. I've never promised I would make any sense.) But deleting someone when you are mad from one of those types of webpages feels so high school and passive aggressive to me. The phone is different, that is one step away from speaking to a real living breathing person. That connection seems more real to me.

Anyhow, I wish I could erase some of the people I used to know and with them the burden of knowing the things I know now because I knew them. Those things break my heart a little every day.

It's not meant to be cruel, just less painful.

Monday, September 18, 2006

On film I play myself.

Yesterday I was playing around with my camera. I have not really used the black and white option a lot and I wanted to experiment with it some more. I've always wanted to do an "Old Hollywood" style photo, so I figured it was a great time to give it a shot.

Some of them turned out pretty good given the fact that I was setting up the shots with a timer and I had ten seconds to get where I needed to be and pray that I was actually in the frame.

I can't explain just how much I love taking photos. I can't believe I have gone so many years without a camera! (My mom is the proud owner of my dream camera, but I will eventually save my pennies and own one too!) For now I am really impressed with the quality output of our little Fuji FinePix.

I still need people who will ham it up and let me do their styling and take their photo because I am getting kind of sick of my mug! (Did I mention I am quite the make up artist as well? I can copy pretty much anything.) Maybe I will entrap one of my girls into letting me photograph them soon? Fun fun.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

In a house by the water in a town where nothing bad ever happens...

This is too cute and I can't stop listening to it.

This weekend Amie and I went to Langley for a little decompression and to visit her dad. We stayed in her families cabin on the water and participated in a Soup Box Race. It was quite idyllic, and super relaxing. I wasn't ready to come home! We had a great time.

Today I went to see the new movie The Last Kiss. This movie should come with a warning attached. I love it, but it made my heart physically hurt in a way that I have not felt since I saw The Squid and the Whale.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


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