Monday, December 04, 2006

I will save you from drowning if you first teach me how to swim. Deal?

My boyfriends don't ever break my heart, it is always my girlfriends that do.

When someone I know and love is hurt I want to come out swinging. I want to take down the problem and put a smile back on their face. I have been known to chase a person down the street if that means protecting the person I love. If you know me, you know this about me.

Right now, as I write this I know that somewhere else in the city a beautiful woman who I love like a sister is sitting with a man who sees her as a meal ticket. He disrespects her, makes her feel less than herself, emotionaly abuses her and belittles her until she really thinks that is all she deserves. All in the name of "love" (and getting his fix and a free place to stay for one more day.)

I wish she could see herself how I see her.

She is a bright and beautiful woman. She has read more books than most people even bother to flip through. She is witty and funny and easy to talk to. She hit a rough patch a while back and got pretty down, but she came out of it. A shining becon of hope that told the world we are not meant to become the relationships we had with our fathers (if they were bad ones) and even with the odds against you, you shall overcome.

By the summer she was actually beaming! She was radiant and looked five years younger. She had kicked smoking, an ugly habit she had for years, she was exercising and she was being healthy. She was promoted at work, her relationship with her family was going great, she was even spending time with her girlfriends again where there was fun and chit chat and laughter and even karaoke, it wasn’t like in the dark days when she only stole moments away to vent about the horrors at home. No one controlling her or breathing down her neck. She was poised for success.

Enter Him.

Him who uses. Him who abuses. Him who lies and lies and lies and lies. Him who is selfish and hateful and doesn’t care about who he hurts. Him who steals and would not blink if he left her homeless. Him who ruins holidays. Him who keeps her away from her friends. Him who isolates. Him who cheats.


He was supposed to be a long weekend. An exciting roll in the hay before he left town. A rebound screw. Not the permanant fixture on her sofa and he psyche that he became. Not the reason she started smoking again and is up to a pack a day. Not the reason she started shutting down and shutting out the people who love her. Not the reason she is drunk by noon on a Sunday.

I don’t like him.
I would almost go as far as to say I despise him right now.

She thinks she loves him.

When I think of what he is doing to her, what he has already taken from her I feel a rage, a hurt, a pain in my heart and I don’t know where to put it. I want nothing more than to steal her away and hug her so hard and tell her I love her and say the perfect combo of words that will make her remember how happy she was before HIM. make her remeber the resolve she had two days ago when she made him leave. A week ago when she made him leave. Tomorrow when she makes him leave... but then he comes back.

He knows the perfect combo of words. He hugs her hard and tells her she is all alone without him. How he is the only one she needs and he is the only one who will ever love her.

And he comes back.
And she is all alone again.
And the people who love her are more frustrated, some have even given up.
She is a little more alone.
He has a little more control.

These days she is always tired and looks like she feels 100 years old. Her eyes are red rimmed from crying and I don’t remember the last time I saw her smile. You would never know she was the same radiant beauty from so few months ago if you stood them side by side. I don't remember the last time she hung out with her friends where his drama did not follow. When the last time she just had fun for the sake of fun and not because she was running from him or hiding from him...


All I can do is cry and worry and feel helpless.

Now I am faced with choices.
None of them sound the least bit appealing.
She is my friend, I feel duty bound to protect her, to stand up for her, and these choices I have to make me feel like I am just ratting her out or giving up on her.

Do I do something that will make her hate me because I love her enough to want to save her?
Do I call the police?
Do I call her mom?
Do I get all of the people who love her together in a room and hold her there until she sees herself the way we see her and realizes that she is not alone and she deserves so much more?
Do I get every woman he ever abused in a room and have them tell her one by one how they all have the same story, how he told each one of them he would change and how he left them to pick up the aftermath when they had nothing left to give him. After he had used them all up.

If I do, would she ever forgive me or would she look back someday when she is radient again and understand that I did it because I really love her so much and I need her to be OK?

Or do I stand by and do nothing? Just watch it all burn to the ground from a safe distance.
If I do nothing can I live with myself?

I would like to do the right thing for my beautiful friend that I love.

I just wish someone would tell me what “the right thing” is right now because I just don’t know anymore.


teresa said...

my 2 cents:

You may have to do the hard thing, but it's only a choice you can make, no matter what anyone says.

That is true love, to try to save a friend even if you know she may never speak to you agian.

Every one hopes that someone will be there to save them if their drowning. She sounds like she's drowning, even if she thinks she is fine. From your persepective it sounds as if she is sinking fast, and I'm sure she knows it.

No matter what you decide to do, it's clear that you want the best for your friend and in the self-centered world we live in, that is what matters most.

Michelle Auer said...

Yeah, you are right. Thanks!

Lei Lei said...

OMG Michelle, I am having a very similar situation with my best friend. Her boyfriend of 7 yrs has gotten a cutesy little blonde at work pregnant, but my friend doesn't know. I said I wouldn't tell, but it's killing me not to tell her. Even if I tell her she would be convinced by HIM that he would never....when in all reality she has known all along that he screws around, but for some unknown reason, she doesn't want to lose this low-life. What to do, what to do??!! love ya

Michelle Auer said...

Oh wow! That is crazy!
I don't know how women get in the mind set that they can't be alone. I swear asshats like these types of guys are seek women out that will fall for it. Hope your friend escapes before she has his babies too!!

loves to you

Deb Hardman said...

Well, here's my 2 cents. Tell her you're there for her. Let her know you see her pain, & if she wants your help, your there, but don't try to fix it for her, because it's her stuff not yours. The counselor told me it's always more inviting to try & fix other peoples' stuff, but you need to work on your own, not thiers. If she wants your help, she'll ask for it. Make it nonjudgemental, & nonthreatening.Let her know you love her.

Anonymous said...

I just want to say you sound like every girls dream. I have been chasing after someone who cheated on me thinking that he was worth taking back and he is not. All i ever wanted was to be chased after.


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