Thursday, December 29, 2005

My year end list.

Are there really only a few days left of 2005? I find it so hard to believe.

This year there was a very strong focus on school and my daughter and her friends. I think most of my focus and energy was spent on that.

2005 was the first year to bring big changes and peer group issues to the table. I am aware that it is the first step in many years to come of growing pains and challenges. So far I count myself very lucky that my daughter seems to have her head square on her shoulders and the worst problems we have had with behavior is that she likes to leave her $300 toys laying on the couch.
It could most certainly be worst, but I hope it never is. This is the first year where I realized that several of my younger friends are actually closer to my daughters age than they are to mine. I find that amusing.

I reached my first anniversary at work and as a married couple.
I reached the ten year anniversary of knowing the person I am married to.
Jon was on the road for 5 months and home for 12 days during that five months in 2005.
I got to know Jeannine (aka Nenu) better when she came back from New York and moved in with me for a little while, she is now one of the most important people in my life.
I volunteered at a shelter.
My focus changed to my daughter's future and less on my own.
I went to New York and fell in love with the city again.
I went to Boston for the first time and almost got killed by a cab driver. (At least that is how I will tell the story for the rest of my life)
I went to far too many rock shows. They are all sort of a wonderful blur in my memories.
I had surgery.
I lost someone that I loved to tragedy.
A child that I love as much as my own broke my heart when she grew up too fast.
My daughter changed schools.
I made a few new friends that I know will be very important to me in the future.
I reconnected with one of my oldest and dearest friends and he came to visit me and introduced me to the love of his life.
I went to Idaho and discovered I am an alien to them.
I let my hair grow out enough to realize I will never let my natural color grow out again since it has turned on me. (I thought we had a deal?!?!)
I finally found peace with some of my ghosts.
I met 'single Amie' as apposed to 'in a relationship Amie' and watched her blossom.
I watched way too much bad television.
There have been more than 400 movies rented on my video account.
I met one of my heros and found out he was only human.
I got a little closer to knowing what I want to be when I grow up.
I changed.

more lists:

List of movies I have to see in the next few weeks:

1- Memoirs of a Geisha (Love the book, can't wait to see the movie)
2- Harry Potter (Still have not read the books, had trouble with all of the hype)
3- Match point (Love Woody Allen even though he has been disappointing me a lot lately)
4- King Kong (I heard if it didn't make me cry I didn't have a heart, must go and see if I have a heart)
5- Tristan and Isolde (Saw the trailer and got all giddy. My favorite guilty pleasure style movie since I was a little girl obsessed with the Camelot story.)

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


I went to the f-ing dentist this afternoon and now I feel like someone punched me in the mouth. I am having a crown replaced. It doesn't sound like it would be painful, but it is. They really do a number on your gums when they are making the impressions and stuff.

At least with the new crown I will have a whiter and brighter smile. I ruined the last one drinking coffee and red wine. I just have to use more straws and be more careful, because it isn't cheap getting these things replaced.

Stupid Alaska with it's stupid non-fluoridated country water.

I need someone to create a Pepsi clear version of my favorite espresso drink. Could someone get on that?


for some reason when I post photos they make the top of my blog vanish. I need to figure out why this is happening. I tried changing the format twice now, but that didn't work. grrrrr.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Life in pictures. (For the one who keeps running)

I am both the first and the last word.

Not new
but reinvented,
and recovered.

You'll see soon enough.

I didn't ask to be the voice of reality
in your 'Once Upon a Time' world.

If those looks were voices they would have teeth.

-and now she runs and how she runs-

No matter how you frame it
you can't save it

It is a fluid thing.

And something about pain (For the one who is looking for answers)

I want to swallow your pain,
eat it up and watch it develop into something original.
A revealing embrace.
Don't trust your eyes, they are tricksters.
See these maps on my wrists as I hold them out to you.
Hear my heart as it pushes the blood through these veins.
No pain is unique
Truth lies in perception
and to what degree you allow yourself to feel.
Will you embrace it?
Will you beat it?
Will you let it take over?
Pain is not like breathing.
It's as much of a choice as you allow it to be.

It's over and we survived to tell the tale...

Another three hundred and fifty something days before we have to do it all over again. Next year I am going to try and find a way to do it somewhere tropical or maybe somewhere snowy. Wouldn't that be nice?

The little one loved her holiday, she got everything on her wish list. One of the benefits of being the only grandchild in my family. She is one happy camper right now.

Jon's mom gave us the one thing I have wanted for a very long time; a really nice digital camera! I'm in love with it! I have already taken like a million photos.

I got a pair of pretty diamond earrings and the new Long Winters CD that I didn't even know existed. I have not really had a chance to listen to it yet, so I'll post about it later. I also got a Ladro coffee card, which is probably one of the smartest gifts for me since I spend at least 10% of my paychecks going there every morning before work and on the weekends.

I gave Jon a bunch of DVD's, books and CD's. You know, the usual. Oh and a Pez dispenser set that featured all of the Star Wars Characters. He seemed pleased.

I'm glad it is over. Now we can get on with our lives.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Poor Nenu...

So Christmas went really well. It was very low key and relaxed just like I hoped it would be. Amie and Jeannine stopped by last night and hung out for a few hours. We chatted and watched some Triumph. Darian kept daring Jeannine to eat sardine flavored Jelly Beans, and she DID! Haha! I think that may be what lead to this morning’s mishap.

Turns out she went home last night feeling fine, but woke up about 3AM throwing up. She said she threw up like 11 times and starting feeling really horrible so she decided to go to the doctor.

I got the 7AM “I’m at the hospital” call which just about gave me a heart attack until I woke up enough to understand that it was flu related and she just needed some anti-nausea meds, fluids, rest and someone to drive her home.
I caught a cab over to the hospital (She had her car with her) and found a very sleepy and sad Nenu in bed all hooked up to an IV. She didn’t feel good at all.

She still had a while to go that she had to be there. I assessed the damage so we could come up with a plan of action for the day. I told her I would take her home to my place. She mentioned she got sick in the car on the way there as well, so I borrowed some gloves and wipes from the hospital and went and cleaned out the car. Then we waited for her IV to be all finished and the nurse gave me some anti-nausea pills for her and sent her home with me. The nurse said she has a really bad flu bug and needs lots of sleep and fluids and stuff, she should be fine in a couple of days. Poor kiddo. :(

The question is: What do you feed a vegetarian who is sick? I would usually do Jell-o and chicken broth, but veggies can’t eat either of those things. I got a can of Veggie broth, which doesn’t seem that appetizing to me, but maybe she will like it? I also grabbed popsicles and saltines. I wish they made a vegetarian Chicken and Stars soup (Best sick food ever!). Maybe I will try the Rainbow grocery next door; they seem to have lots of vegan type stuff there.

Hope nobody else gets it. It seems pretty icky.

Saturday, December 24, 2005


I am up way too early again. Slept from about 2-5AM and that was it.
I'm really happy we didn't go anywhere this year. I would hate being awake and feeling unable to pace.
Watching the Today show and waiting for the stores to open again.

We picked up my daughter's brand new PSP yesterday. She is going to freak out when she sees it. I can hardly wait!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Tripod the 3 legged mouse

Tripod the 3 legged mouse
Tripod the 3 legged mouse,
originally uploaded by lilblackcat.
Isn't she so cute?!

Arby's dessert

Arby's dessert
Arby's dessert,
originally uploaded by lilblackcat.
Don't know why I liked this, I just thought it was creepy looking and had to take a photo of it.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Best Christmas gift EVER!

My oldest and dearest friend is having a baby and she just told me that she wants to incorporate my name into her new babie's name. I am so honored I could cry.

Why does this work?

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I WILL sleep tonight.

Day three of total insomnia.

Tonight I am turning to my old friend Nyquil to put me down. We'll see how it goes.

This is not a good time for me to be getting
A:Insomnia and
B:sick because of it and that tickle in my throat is starting to turn into a full fledged *ouch*

I would ask Jon what he thought about all of this, but he has been sleeping like a baby for two hours now. Could not even stay awake through the movie we were watching.

Show off.

3AM and sleep still hasn't found me...

Tonight we went to see Jacob James (The Lashes) play at the Bus Stop. I heard his solo work for the first time on a co-workers I-tunes. I really liked it and wanted to see how he pulled it off live. I was not disappointed at all! He is a really talented fella that one.
When we first arrived, I ran into quite a few people I have not seen in a very long time. We played a little catch up, and went inside.
Jeannine and I were having a great time people watching and listening to the music. (Can you say Cello? Dreamy!) There was another guy who played, and I have no idea who he is, but he had a really pretty voice. Very smokey and soulful. I will have to investigate this some more.

I came home and caught the last hour of the Nip/Tuck season finale. There were parts that were really cool/intense. I was at the edge of my seat, completely freaked out for parts of it. But then the unveiling at the end was enough to turn me off from the show forever. It was too obvious and silly. I could have written a better twist. Oh well, it is the small screen after all.

Is it possible to have sympathy jet lag?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I like Death cab.

OK- I admit it. You all said I would someday and I said, "No, I won't" and I avoided listening to them for ages. (Yes I really am that stubborn. At least you don't have to live with me!)
But then I saw Ben play solo and really liked his voice and his lyrics. I borrowed a CD from my husband on the sly and listened to it. Now I am in love with this record/band that I was trying so hard not to like.

So, dear friends who told me so, you may commence with the "I told you so's" now. I can take it!

But for the record, I still don't like Bjork and you can't make me!

Dreams for the insomniac

The best part about not being able to sleep are the reruns. I am watching really old school Twilight Zone right now. I've decided I NEED this.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Holy Moly!

Jon is going to be home in 3 hours!

I am at work and won't see him for another 7, but still, he will actually be in Seattle in 3 hours!

That is wicked cool!

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Is that all there is? If that's all there is my friends then let's keep dancing...

I always thought there was something very romantic about the idea of packing a bag of essentials and taking off in the middle of the night to start all over in a new place where no one knows you.
I have done it, several times. That is how I ended up in Seattle.
It was about 2AM, I had money and a lot of boxed wine in me. We called the airport and asked what the biggest city we could get to was, and when was the soonest flight. It was $50 to Seattle at 6AM. I was on that plane.
I was also 17 and my parents were less than happy to get a collect call from Washington State the next day from their daughter who was staying in some seedy cheap hotel on Second Avenue.
I really was a good kid in the whole I didn’t break any laws sense. I was just extremely restless. My head was never in it. I was all grown up by 10, it just took a while for my body to catch up with my mind.
I hated living in the woods away from everything. I hated the fact that the only things I had to entertain myself were my thoughts and old movies. I hated when you turned off the lights at night you could not hear anything at all. You have never really heard your thoughts until you have stayed a few nights in the middle of nowhere Alaska, trust me. There is a reason the teen suicide rate is so high up there.
When I would come home after school every day, my brothers were usually at various friends houses, my parents were at work and I was completely alone.
We had a huge house that sat alone on a decent piece of property with super high vaulted ceilings. All of the open space made it feel cold, and created some really spooky shadows and noises.
In the winter it was dark all of the time, and I always had the nagging thought in the back of my head that someone could totally come in and kill me, take their time with it, and there would not be a person around to hear me screaming. It was a total head trip.
The first thing I would always do when I walked in the house was turn on the TV on mute “for company” and then I would turn on the stereo as loud as I could.
I would play all of my dad’s records. I loved the familiar warm crack and pop of each and every one. I fell in love with two men during that time, one named Simon, the other named Garfunkel. They seemed to understand what was happening in my head better than anyone in real life, and they were my closest friends.
At some point there was the realization that if I was going to join the rest of the world, I was just going to have to do it. I needed to take action before I lost my mind, and drown in my own darkness. So, one afternoon in the dead of winter, a few months before I was set to graduate I took action. I walked into the school and pulled all of the books out of my locker that belonged to the school and set them aside, emptied everything else into a waste basket and walked into the office. I set the books on the counter and said, “I quit.”
The look on the poor receptionist face was a mixture of both shock and sadness. She must have called security after I turned and walked out because a few minutes later a woman was chasing me down the hall telling me to go back to class.
I said, “No, you don’t understand, I quit. You can’t tell me what to do anymore. I am leaving.”
She threatened me with truancy slips and detentions and was still threatening me as I was getting into my car and driving off. I watched her standing in the parking lot getting smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror as I pulled away from that place for the very last time.
Weeks later I was in Seattle.
I didn’t stay in Seattle very long, only a few months. I couch surfed with friends and stayed in practice spaces of bands that I befriended while they practiced. I kept my belongings in the greyhound station rental lockers and would go back to change every now and then. Eventually I caught a bus and started across the US on a trip that lasted me about 7 months.
I ended up in Michigan at my beloved grandmother’s bedside while she slowly passed away. I spent my days working at McDonald’s and my nights visiting my Grandmother. Once she was gone, I knew it was time to go home.
I found a ticket for sale that flew from Muskegon to Anchorage one way for the exact amount that my last McDonalds paycheck was. I thought it was a sign. I flew home under another woman’s name (This is back when they didn’t check ID’s with tickets)
I was home long enough to realize you can never go back. I felt like I was all the wrong size now. I didn’t understand the people anymore; everything seemed so simple and laughable after what I had seen over the last year. I just couldn’t connect and it was not long before I was back on a plane and back in Seattle this time with a partner in crime.
I didn’t run away again until I was 9 months pregnant. I packed a bag on my due date and left him.
I remember sitting on the front porch of our apartment. He was asking all the wrong questions and I was slowly erasing him from my memories while waiting for my cab. I was going to do what was best for my child, and what was best was not sitting there on that stoop with me.
I lied at the airport and told them I was only 5 months pregnant, I was just a “Very fat girl” no one wanted to argue with that, and they let me on the plane. I prayed I would not go into labor on my 3 hour flight back to Anchorage.
I gave birth two weeks later. I was living back in my father’s house that I had spent the previous years running away from. This time it was my sanctuary and he was my savior.
By the time I gave birth, I could hardly remember anything about the man I was with that I left on that stoop. Her birth certificate has a blank line where it says father’s name. She and I belonged to each other and no one else.
I waited for two years before trying to take on the world again. I wanted to wait until we were both strong enough to make a go of it. I had as much growing up to do as my baby girl did. Shortly after her second birthday, I rented an apartment in Seattle that I had not seen, and bought a car through a friend that I had not seen and had it parked at my apartment. I tested out of school, and was accepted into a Seattle college.
We left again, but this time it stuck. Now it has been 8+ years, the longest I have ever stayed in one place.
Here I am. All settled and in a nice little routine.
And the music is once again the only thing drowning out the overwhelming silence.


Now how am I supposed to learn all of my favorite songs? This is taking it a tad too far I think. BBC Link

The next time you see my husband

Ask him what he thinks of the term Powerpop.

Oh and go to this tele interview and FFWD to 12:23 into it and see why:

And I love you and I love you and I love you and I love you....

I just walked into my apartment and my cats are climbing all over me. It is actually a little overwhelming. I spent the whole day here, and you would think by how they are acting I have been gone for a month. Freaky little critters all effected by the moon.
Well Nenu and I spent our last night together before the boy gets home for a few weeks. I must say it is a little heartbreaking that things will change. Not trying to downplay my husbands return to the home front, but he has been away for so long I have sort of adopted new patterns and habits to adapt. I have so enjoyed my girl time; in fact I think I am enjoying it more now than when I was single. Not that I was EVER truly single for very long. There was always something on the horizon.
Last night we went to my office Holiday party. There are photos on the website. I didn’t realize just how boobilicious my shirt was until I saw the photos today. (They are up on we are on page 1 and page 5) Extra glad that I mixed that shirt with the free Tequila they were pouring all night. I did talk a little shit last night for sure, but luckily it was all to people who would never tell.
Thank goodness I didn’t embarrass myself in front of any of my girly crushes. *ahem*
OK, well at least I didn’t say anything that I would regret later *cough*
OK, at least I made it home in one piece…

Tonight we went to see The Divorce and Harvey Danger. I was really having trouble getting my hair to cooperate today. I sort of felt like the Robin Williams character from the movie Jumanji when he came out of the jungle, but red. I really have WAY too much hair.
Anyhow, we were running late, so we missed The Divorce. We also knew it was sold out, but we figured we would just act like we were supposed to be there and we would get in. That seemed to work.
I hit the window and Nenu hit the door guy. We were in and ticketed (for free) in under 4 minutes. Now that is some good juju.
We got situated and grabbed our drinks, headed into the band room and Harvey Danger were just getting started. They played a fantastic show to a completely packed to the rafters house. Two of the Lashes even came up and sang on a Christmas song. They sounded great, I LOVE that room when it is full! I have seen some of my all time favorite Seattle shows in that particular room, I think The Croc would come in a close second.
We munched on some delicious Frites and said hello to Ari before we called it a night. I just wasn’t all that interested in the following bands and I think I am a little drained still from the Tequila and Miller High Life fest that was my office party the night before.

One thing I didn’t write about yet that I have been meaning to is The Nutcracker. Darian and I joined Licia on Wednesday to go check out the PNWB version down at the Opera house. It was SO beautiful.
It really is difficult for me to describe that sort of show properly. There are not words. To hear that style of music played live so flawlessly, it really is breathtaking. It is practically a religious experience.
If you know how to read sheet music or have ever been in an orchestra you know just how much goes into it all. How each player alone might be pretty but a little dull, but when you layer them all together you get this thing that is almost alive. You become a part of a living breathing thing that you as an individual get completly lost in. Now add ballet dancers and a few angelic voices for the opera parts.
There is nothing like it.
If I were a wealthy woman I would have season tickets and go every weekend. I love my rock shows, I really do, but my heart belongs to the Symphony.
It was my dream growing up. I worked so hard learning and perfecting my instruments. I loved it so much. I was crushed when I left my small town and came to the big city and got a good hard dose of reality. Most of those people who do it for a living play every intrument, I could only play about three and only two of them well enough to be symphony worthy.
Oh well, it still holds a major place in my heart. Maybe some day I will play clarinet in my twilight years all Woody style. One can dream.
Darian really seemed to get the same buzz off of seeing it as I did. That made me really happy.

Well peeps, that’s the news. Now does anyone want to come over and do my dishes, because I am so not having it.

Friday, December 16, 2005

We will miss you Leo!

John Spencer, who played a tough and dedicated politico on "The West Wing", died of a heart attack today. He was 58.

The White House will never be the same. :-(

Letters to the universe...

I swear to you, I was having the worlds crappiest month and then I started my 100 things blog.
The day after I posted the first part of the list, the sky opened and wonderful things are just falling into my lap! Every turn there is another really amazing thing, and they are all things somehow connected to my list.

Had I known it would have this effect I would have written letters to the universe a long time ago!

Dear Universe-
I want to have an amazing magical weekend. Please? Pretty please?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Guess what I have in my hot little hand right now?

If you guessed:
Jon’s brand new record Songs from the Year of Our Demise,
you win!

I am so excited! It is all shrink wrapped and all fancy like. I must admit there were days where I wondered if I would ever see the day. But here it is! I have only been authorized to give a copy to 2 people since they are part of the mortal choir on 6 feet under. The rest of you have to wait. Sorry.

I am listening to it right now. It is perfect.

Snoopy Dances all around!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

It only encouraged them.

The smoking ban didn't stop anyone. It isn't like they have smoking police. For the record, I have gone to my favorite neighborhood dive bar twice now since then; once on Saturday and once last night. Both times people were still smoking. What changed? There is now a HUGE No Smoking sign pinned to the front door.

Monday, December 12, 2005

She is lovely and amazing.

I had trouble getting to sleep last night. It probably had something to do with the really long nap I took in the middle of the afternoon. Darian and I watched Born into Brothels and it drained me so much emotionally I just passed out.
I really liked it. I found it to be extremely well done and aside from some swearing in subtitles I don't think there is anything wrong with letting your young adult watch it. It actually opened up some really interesting discussion between Darian and I. She was really moved by the kids stories and their photos. She asked me if this movie was made a long time ago. I asked her why she thought that. She said, "Because if the world saw this movie and saw what these kids had to deal with don't you think they would fix it by now and get them help?"
I wish it were that simple my love.

That is the part I hate about seeing her grow up. I get to witness first hand the world chipping away at her. I get to see the disappointment in her eyes when she realizes that we don't live in a world that is fair or kind to everyone, even children. I know as a parent I have to slowly introduce her to these realities when at the same time every part of me wants to protect her from it all.

She is the biggest reason I keep this blog. It is the adult version of her who I am writing to when I write this. She doesn't know about it now, but I figure someday she might be interested to read the things I pondered the most when I was younger. I always wished my parents had kept some sort of journals. It would have helped me understand them better when I was older.

She is so much smarter than I was at her age and that makes me both proud and scares the hell out of me. She is not only beautiful but she is fearless and confident. There is a part of me that is always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I watched her sleeping last night for at least an hour. She still sleeps with the same look on her face as she did the day I brought her home from the hospital. She still laughs in her sleep. She still loves me the most. I hope that never goes away.

I already hate the boy who will break her heart someday. She has not met him yet, but he is out there looming on the horizon, just waiting. I hope the world never breaks her spirit.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

All the girls in my bed these days…

Had another sleepover last night, this one was of the blonde Amie variety. We could not think of any shows to go to. Her plans to get her boogie on fell through. So we decided to make it a movie night.
She just got the Buffy box set and there were a handful of episodes I have not seen yet. I'm also trying to take full advantage of the few free days I have left before Jon comes home. Having boys in the house puts a serious damper on sleepovers!

Of course the first thing we did was fast forward to the first Spike and Buffy hook up, which was smokin' hawt! Then we just watched all of the 'Willow gone crazy' episodes that I missed. I think they may have been some of the best Buffy’s, I can’t believe I'm just seeing them now!

After that we decided to crawl into bed and watch what we both feared was going to be the worst movie ever that we rented on a whim and a prayer. I blame Amie, she blames me, I think we should just blame Jon since his name is on the account.

Quotes from this craptastic movie Now and Forever:
“I was wrenched from her arms by the Holocaust of our reality.”
“I don’t want my death to be like some cheesy movie of the week.”

I think you get the idea. Lifetime would have rejected this one! I wanted to wash my minds eye after seeing this. At least Amie was there to laugh with me and didn’t mind my heavy handed fast forward button pushing.

It just hit me today that Jon will REALLY be home in a week. Albeit for a very short period of time, but he will be home. He will actually be in the apartment with all of his boy things, habits, opinions and stuff. No more girl dormitory living for us. Don’t get me wrong, I miss the man like crazy. He is the love of my life and as necessary as Oxygen to me, but I have to admit following these long stretches things are always a little weird for the first few days. When I finally get used to him being back home, he is gone again. It is such a rollercoaster and really messes with my psyche more than I like to admit to people, but I am pretty sure I am not fooling anyone anyway.

His solo record is all done and printed and set to come out in March. I am totally looking forward to watching that happen for him. I’m so proud of him and what he made there. It is one of the most beautiful things I have heard in years, if not ever. It is so complete and emotional. I think it is the best stuff he has ever been a part of, ever.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Richard Pryor is dead.

Wow. This news is no bueno.
He was my favorite as a kid. I loved his movies, his cameos in the Muppet movies, his stand up shows that I watched even though I wasn't supposed to. I am going to go to the video store and rent some Richard Pryor stuff right now and watch them tonight. Maybe I will get See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Car Wash and Brewster's Millions. Not all great movies, but they are a part of some fond memories for me. OMG The Toy! I have got to rent The Toy! I thought that was the funniest thing ever when I was a kid!

He will be missed. Heck, with his illness tearing him down and stopping him from performing these past few years, he already was.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Everyone should have sleepovers!

Last night was a good night. I REALLY wanted to go to The Deck The Hall Ball, but Jon had trouble getting it all sorted for me from Spain. By the time he was getting answers from people it was already tomorrow there so it just didn't link up. Instead Melissa and I had a slumber party.
There are certain Italian dishes that I can make with my eyes closed and they always turn out wonderful. Perfect comfort food type stuff. Last night I whipped up one of those dishes and Melissa, Darian and I carb loaded like you would not believe! So yummy.
By the time we were done all we wanted to do was nap. There was a new episode of ER on, and I had a big bottle of Framboise chilled. (Framboise=Best stuff on earth) Oh and we even made chocolate milkshakes!
The only downside was Melissa left the TV on when she fell asleep watching Nick at Nite so I woke up with some crazy infomercial about getting into shape literally screaming at me from the foot of the bed at 4AM. I turned it off and all was forgiven. We walked to work today and it was perfect and sunny and crisp. Things are looking up.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Memoirs of a Geisha

I can't wait for this movie. I LOVED the book, I read it in two days staying overnight at a hospital and then flying home from a funeral. It was my only escape from reality and it worked. So far the previews all look really beautiful. I hope they don't ruin it.

wine, women and song

Yesterday I probably got some of the worst news of my life, but I can't talk about it, so don't ask me. You will make me cry. For real. So instead I will talk about last night...

I really had a good time last night. A big Thank You to Matt and Licia for getting me in and then another extra big thank you to Licia for getting me so intoxicated that I forgot my tooth hurt. Sorry I ran out like I did, I could feel the last bit of vodka entering my system and knew if I didn't grab the chance to get out of there when I did I was going to start acting silly. As it is I am not entirely sure I was walking straight at that point. Also I could not resist actually seeing Sean drive with my own two eyes. It was almost as strange as the first time I saw Jason Finn driving a car. Just never thought I would see the day. I love his car, it looks like an egg with wheels. Super cute! I want one now.

My friends, you all made my very up and down day end on a loverly note. Thank you Mira from London for surprising me with a call at work. You are the best! Tony for being so sweet and showing me your cool gadget. Gavin for giving me lots of Gavin hugs which are the best ever! The Capps for playing a great show, all they need now is a sexy bass player and they will take over the world! (Matt's voice sounded AMAZING last night BTW, best mix I ever heard at Chop Suey. That is such a live room.) Licia for being her wonderful self, I wish I could adopt you and make you a sister. Amie for being so excited about being Merch Girl, you actually made it look fun! Sean for giving me a ride home and rescuing me from the crazy guy screaming outside my apartment (same guy who talks to his dead Aunt from a few days ago! No shit! I can't seem to escape that guy.) and all of the rest of my friends I got to spend time with last eve. You have no idea how much I needed that. I was in a bad way.

Hope I was not slurring too much. I'm not a very good drinker, I just pretend to be.

Wizard of Oz...

Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable...

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

If I didn't know any better

I would swear the news just went to commercial playing a super old school Peter Murphy song intro. Could it be???

The mystery is you...

I think it is funny that Jon has to sometimes remind me that life is not one of the stories I am writing and the people are not my characters. Therefore they won't always act the way that I would write them.
It is funny because I really do need to be reminded. I am always giving people too much or too little credit. I tend to fill in the blanks with what I think made them act or react certain ways and where their next step will take them. Sometimes it is uncanny how right I am with my guessing. I even had a silly ex-boyfriend accuse me of being some sort of psychic. I found this to be amusing, but not true at all. Truth be told I am just a good guesser and a lot of people are very predictable. Life is just one big chess game.
It is the people who I cannot figure out at all that keep me fascinated. I could lose days trying to unravel an atypical personality. A lot of people thought I would make a good therapist, but sometimes the emotional aspects of it all make me feel far too uncomfortable.
A lot of people mistake me for being a highly emotional person because I seem so open and fiery, but I am only comfortable with certain emotions. I am good with love, happiness, passion, conflict, and anger. I can deal with all of these things with ease and usually come away from any situation in a good way.
However, I am not good with real pain, loss, or grief. I have lost too many people and have too many of my own demons in those departments to be of any use to anyone else at this point in the game. I can't bring myself to tell another person in my life who is dying that "everything is going to be OK" because I can't say it with any conviction. They would know I was lying. There used to be a time I believed that, but that time has past. So now, when I am faced with loosing someone who I care about and who is reaching out to me, I am at a loss for words.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Why do I try?

I was running a few minutes behind schedule this morning. When I got to the bus stop and there were not any people there I was afraid I had missed the bus. I looked at my watch and it was exactly the time the bus should be there. I looked up the street and didn't see the back of the bus, so I thought I would ask someone if I had just missed it. The only person around was this homeless guy who was mumbling to himself. I figure he would probably be coherent enough to give a yes or no answer and he was my only option. I decided to take a chance and ask him.

This is how the conversation went:

ME- Excuse me sir, could you tell me if the bus just went by?

HG- I am TRYING to have a conversation with my Aunt Ava here! Can't you see that?!

ME- Um OK, clearly you think you are talking to someone. All I want to know is if you saw a bus go by here in the last minute or two. So, did you?


ME- OK, well then, can you ask her if she saw the bus go by?

Apparently she didn't.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Dream a Little Dream

We were walking through the middle of city streets. It looked like any ugly midwestern city.
All of the cars and people around us were moving on slightly fast forward.
The only color was the pink of our cheeks and lips from the cold as if someone had gone in and airbrushed it on black and white photos.
Although there was traffic, and people bustling about, there was no sound, only the sound of your breath and mine.
We stepped out into the middle of a city intersection. You grabbed my hand and suddenly everyone else disappeared.
“I want to show you something.” You said, “Follow me. Don’t worry, you can trust me.”

I had butterflies in my stomach. I was as nervous as I was curious about where you were going to take me.

We walked through the city streets, past overturned garbage cans, broken bottles, old rusted-out cars. The city was ugly and dirty; the only picturesque thing about it was the new layer of snow that covered everything. Our footprints were the only thing that disturbed the layer of snow.

We approached a heavy gate. You turned to me and said, “Close your eyes.”

I heard you jangle the lock and then the creak of the large gate opening. You and I stepped through, the door slammed hard behind us.

“You can open your eyes now.” You whispered close to my ear.

We were now standing in the center of a large vineyard with no trace of the city or the door. It was still black and white and covered in a thin layer of snow, all except for the grapes. They were huge, ripe and the same shade of blush as our lips. They were covered in a light sparkling frost that made them look sugared.

The grapes hung heavy on the drooping vines. You reached up and picked a large blushing grape. You were wearing gloves with no fingertips. I could see the frost melting instantly at the heat of your touch causing a little burst of steam.

You reached over and held the grape in front of my lips, I opened my mouth and you placed it on my tongue. I bit down on the grape. The flavor of sweet, nearly frozen, champagne burst in my mouth. It was startling but delicious.
You pressed your warm fingers against my lips. I could smell your skin feel your heat. I swallowed the grape and you moved your hand away.

“What just happened?” I asked nearly breathless
“That, my friend, was a kiss.” You smirked in reply

Friday, December 02, 2005

Why is it...

...when it is cold, all I can think about is wanting to eat ice cream?
And why did all of the good ice cream joints on the hill close? What is up with that? Don't people in my hood eat the stuff anymore? Did I miss the anti-ice cream memo? Someone hurry up and open one in my neighborhood. I promise I will go at least once a week.

Or cupcakes..... I could totally eat a really fluffy cupcake right now with bubblegum pink frosting and maybe a couple of sprinkles. Mmmmmmmm....

I'm hungry.

Bumming hard.

After spending a long day of dealing with major car BS and spending too many $$$ on it, all I wanted to do was go see a rock show. I was really looking forward to it. Jeannine and I got there early to eat a little food and claim a table before the swarms showed up. We had perfect seating, rock star parking and yummy food and drinks. They told us the show was cancelled and gave us our money back.
We left and were very sad.
I got an email this morning that said, the show ended up being un-cancelled after we left and turned into a really fun time.
I want a rewind for yesterday.


Wednesday, November 30, 2005

None of this post is true. Do not read it.

My head is so backwards right now. I don't even know how to talk about it without opening cans of worms that I don't want opened. I love my friends, and I wish I could tell all of you every little thing, but I have to keep some secrets in my vault. Today the vault feels like it is about to burst and spill out every random private thought that has ever crossed my mind, every thing I never meant to tell anyone.
There are so many things I wish I could write about. I could easily write novels and they would certainly be interesting, but I fear they would unravel my whole life one thought at a time.

Don't worry.

This is all a lie.

...back to your regularly scheduled program...

Apples to Oranges... Her Extraordinary Machine.

Been spending some QT with the new Fiona Apple record lately. Her very signature bouncy piano sound, funky lyrics and determined sounding vocals are all there. I like it in a familiar kind of way, but not as much as her last record.
Why? Because she sounds too content.
I must admit, I really liked super angry Fiona a lot better. She was the Fiona who was ravaged by the highs and lows of young love where there is no logic involved. The Fiona who would make mountains out of molehills; tragedy out of teen love. I would turn her on full blast while driving down the street after getting mad at my boyfriend. It was silly, but a good kind of silly. Now she just sort of sounds like a grown up. That is disappointing to me.
Also, this record seems to have a bouncy show tune feel to it. Quite a few of the songs I can see her dancing in a top hat, wearing a sequined bow tie and doing a tap number all Fosse style. I understand why they didn't want to release this one. It is good, but it isn't going to make anyone close to the kind of money the last one made.

At least it is well produced and polished in a way only Jon Brion is capable of. For that it is worth owning.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005


Sometimes when I get really bored at work I play this game in my head.
What you do is you try to figure out what you would say to certain people if you had their undivided attention for 5 minutes. All sorts of people. From the president to random celebrities to that crazy smoking lady at the bus stop. It is all about practicing your conversation skills.

It started because when I was a very little girl I was so painfully shy. I spent a lot of my time with my head buried in the back of my mom or dad's knee when people tried to speak to me. My parents used to tell people what a chatterbox I was at home and how they thought it was funny that I would get so shy around people I didn't know. I decided I needed to force myself to act the same way towards strangers as I did to them at home. I saw their comments as negative criticism; a personality fault they would point out to strangers again and again. I was determined to change.
I started talking to everyone and saying nothing, just as long as I was talking. This made the family start to criticize me in a different way. They gave me unflattering nicknames that pretty much all boiled down to saying "She talks too much."

I would get so upset by how they would tease because I thought I was only doing what they wanted. So then I switched gears again and made it a point to go for hours without saying a word. I would watch the clock and count the words I would have to speak if I spoke. I would count the words that they were speaking and compare their numbers to mine in my head. I would only speak when someone spoke to me. Only answer direct questions if I had to verbally. I would shake my head if I could get away with a simple yes or no answer.
The thing is, no matter how long I would remain mute, the second three words came out of my mouth they would say, "Oh, there she goes again!" and laugh knowingly to one another.
It was insulting, even to a five year old.
I would try to argue that it wasn't accurate because I only spoke "this number of words" in the last two hours compared to all of the words they had spilled out, the numbers didn't lie, but that mattered not.

When we moved to Alaska, I was 7 and it was a whole new problem for me. I had a horrible midwestern accent. I sounded pretty Fargo if you know what I mean. Everything seemed to come out of my nose and I put an accent on sounds that the other kids didn't. I used words like 'ain't' because that is what everyone used around me while I was growing up. My accent made me sound simple and therefor people thought I was. I picked up some pretty insulting nicknames because of my accent. I was treated like I was slow by certain teachers, that is until I was tested and they realized I was much further ahead than they ever imagined. This time the numbers worked to my advantage.

I had one particular teacher who really changed her attitude towards me after she saw my test scores. She started riding me and correcting my grammar all of the time. She told me that I would probably not like her very much for it then, but when I grew up I would be glad she did this for me. She worked with me every day for the whole school year making me pronounce things over and over and over again until my accent was almost completely gone. To this day I hear her voice in my head if I slip and I don't sound like the rest of my family. Even my little brother has a stronger midwest accent than I do, and he was just a baby when we left!
I think I still sound a touch nasal because that is just where that particular voice comes from and there is no shaking that, but I accent things in the right places for the most part, and I don't ever use the word "ain't" anymore unless I am being silly and even then it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Needless to say, with all of this controversy about the sound of my voice in my most formative years, I was made very self-conscious about speaking. So I play these games where I practice conversing with people in my head.

Now my job is to talk to strangers on the phone every day. Nice.

A poem I wrote, lost, and found again...

The changing face of love
is as inconsistent and dependable as the
changing seasons

As damaged as imperfections wear
With beauty prepared by idle hands

In a sinless act of courage
a bearing of a soul
two naked individuals
-too stunted to persuade growth-
learned that letting go
is the secret to holding on

Not by grasp or grip or feats of strength
or by the measure of a heart

But the gift to recognize
-to know when-
Love is not enough.

Monday, November 28, 2005

This song is threatening to make me cry at work.

"Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite i gave you left a mark"

"All I see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

In my life I've loved them all...

I had the strangest dream last night about someone I have not thought about in a very long time. The mind is such a strange thing. I always find it fascinating what my subconscious will cook up when I don't have control of it. I LOVE waking up asking myself, "What in the heck was that all about?"

No really. I do.

My husband needs to come home soon.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

This is the sound of settling...

I just got home from the movies. I went to see Shopgirl. I can’t stop thinking about it. Somehow it tapped into a feeling of sadness or longing or something that I can’t put my finger on. It is just rolling over and over in my mind tumbling down a hill into nothingness with only flashes of clarity.
It was a pretty good movie. I could relate to it all too well.

The weekend went by all too quickly. I had a wonderful time spending loads of QT with some of the most amazing women I know. They are all strong and beautiful and special in their own various ways. I love watching their lives unfold and being there as a sounding board as each thing happens. I love being the only mom, and getting to draw on that when it feels like they need it. I love the amount of love I get in return from them. What completely amazing people I am lucky enough to know and call my friends.

We added two new members to our already too full house. When Darian and Diane came to get me from work on Friday afternoon they told me a story about how they had gone to the pet store and were looking at all of the little furry things. They said when they were looking at the mice there were two that caught their eye and hearts. One was the only black mouse in the whole cage full of little white mice. She was jet black and a little bigger than all of the rest. Darian said she seemed athletic because she just kept running on the wheel like it was going to eventually take her somewhere. They called her Xena. The second was a little white mouse, smaller than to rest who was pushing her little face up against the cage. She was getting along OK, but was missing one of her front legs. They knew in a cage full of perfect healthy mice, a little three legged mouse had no chance of getting adopted and would more thank likely end up snake food. What Darian wanted to do is get the three legged mouse and then get the Xena mouse to protect it. So that is what we did. We named her Tripod.
Xena and Tripod are very happy in their new digs. They both run on the wheel pretty much all of the time. Tripod was a little shy at first but now she is out and about and looks very confident in her new surroundings. They play all day and then they cuddle together and sleep in a sweet little pile at night. The kitties love to watch them run in their wheel. I think they are going to be very happy.

Final count we have three humans and 8 fuzzy things. What can I say? I am a sucker for a sad little furry face.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Yay for Pavo day!

I had a lovely turkey day figuratively and literally. I can't remember a holiday where I looked around the table and saw nothing but beautiful women. When Jon called and I told him who was there he said, "Wow! Now that is a pretty table!"

Jon's mom was at our house and had everything in the oven before Melissa and I were even out of bed. The food was super yummy, some even said it was the best turkey ever! She is the greatest! I wish she lived closer. I bet with her great cooking (mmmmmm pies) I would probably get good and round in no time at all!

The only bummer was that Jeannine's contact decided to go crazy at the last second and she was blind for the day. 'Tis OK, I decided to be lazy and not get dressed up for the day, so it worked out well.
We all ate mass amounts of food and afterwards we had Darian and both of the beautiful Ramadan girls playing Dance Dance revolution. It was quite spectacular!

Melissa and I tried to watch the Muppet's Chrsitmas after everyone went home, but I was not feeling well so after I turned it on for her, I went to take a bath. Instead I got sick. But I must say as soon as I threw up I felt a million times better! First Thanksgiving I actually ate till I puked! Crazy. It must be something about getting older. Can't hold my booze or my food anymore!

All in all it was a really good time and I am really thankful for the lovely people who came over and shared it with me. It really made having my husband away not so bad.

Speaking of him, he called and said he was doing some DJ thing for a party in Sweden. They said he could play anything he wanted, so when it was Jon's turn he said he played about 20 songs off of the two mixed CD's I gave him for our anniversary and his birthday! It was like I was in Sweden DJing with him! Awwwwww...
Apparently I have good taste in music as well because he said a lot of people were asking him about songs they really loved but had never heard like Rosie Thomas- Wedding Day (Which she dedicated to Jon and I a few days after our wedding at her Showbox show!)

Oh- this morning, I ate pie for breakfast!

Cutest Pavo Day email EVER::

Monday, November 21, 2005

I should be in bed…

I should be a lot of things.

Friday was cool. We went to see The Divorce and Harvey Danger. They both played well, but the soundman wasn’t doing anyone any favors. The mic kept cutting out completely or getting louder through both bands. That was really annoying. I spoke to one of the guys from The Divorce this morning (also happens to be my friendly neighborhood barista) and he said they were cutting out in his monitors as well. It was obviously armature hour as far as the sound was concerned. The show was in a tent and they only served beer. (Yuck!) The major upside; I got to see two great bands and I was happy to hear how well the new members of HD have meshed with the band. (and it was free!)

Saturday was a blur. I really didn’t do much of anything. Darian and I watched The Skeleton Key. Not too bad, not too great, just right for a cold Saturday night.

My neighbors alarm was going off really loud this morning. Nothing like waking up ass early on a Sunday, being forced to beat on the wall after your phone call doesn’t work, only to have the alarm turned off, and then calm down get just on the edge of sleep, and have the alarm start going off again.
All I am saying is if an alarm is going to go off that loud and that long there best be a person in need of an ambulance! I am thinking of having their bedroom soundproofed for them for Christmas. It made for a VERY cranky Michelle this morning. Jon called and I about bit his head off. I explained what had happened and called him back after I was caffeinated. A visit from Jeannine and life was all good again.
After I got over my initial crankiness, Jeannine and I decided to take a trip to the pet store. I have this vision of a gerbil complex I have wanted to build. The other day I bought the biggest aquarium, the trick was how was I going to connect this huge 3 foot x 1 ½ foot aquarium to the 4 story complex they are already in? The answer was simple, after trips to two different pet stores and a trip to the office supply store for foam core and a blade.
I am thrilled to say I have crafted the greatest Gerbil palace of all time. I will take a photo of it and post it at some point. Those two little critters now live in a complex that is about 4 feet long and has 4 stories and is connected by some very complex tubes that even have a loop-de-loop. Yeah, they are styling! It took them a while to venture over to the larger area, but after they investigated the tubes a few hundred times they finally went through them and are now having a great time running between the two places.
All I could think since I got them was, “If I only lived 3-4 years, would I REALLY want to be confined to a teeny tiny cage with nothing but a wheel to entertain me?”
The answer is NO! So I have built them a Gerbil Palace where they can live out their golden years.

This is why I should not own pets. They make me feel guilty and that guilt leads to palaces for rodents; cute fuzzy, gerbally rodents, but rodents nonetheless…

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Lost and found 47 years later...

Strange thing happened today. I went outside to move my car since it was parked in a two hour spot and the neighbor clued me in he saw the dreaded meter maids snooping in the hood.  There was a letter wedged into the top of the driver’s side door.  It was very intentionally left there for me.  I take the letter and look at the address.  It is addressed to someone in Renton, WA and it says Air Mail all over it.  It has the super thin paper like letters from Europe have sometimes.  The name on it is Mrs. H.S. Eastman.

I think to myself, “That’s weird, it must have been on the ground and someone thought it belonged to me.”

Being the overly curious little kitty cat that I am, I could not help but take a look at the letter since it was already opened after all.  I start to skim over it and realize it is a letter to “Grandma” from a woman who is thanking her for watching her kids while they are traveling.  Mentions having dinner with friends in New York, one of whom writes for Life Magazine!  Then she is going over all sorts of day to day family things and then mentions how Thanksgiving went for them.  I went back to the first page and realized it was dated “Nov. 28th” I thought, “Wow, this must have sat in someone’s car for a year!

I then read more and it says, “For Thanksgiving they went on a club tour and went to a place called the Copacabana (a dinner theatre) The Village Barn and The Hawaiian Room of the Lexington Hotel.  She writes, “They were all different and very interesting!”

I start thinking this sounds all too Rat Pack and decide to look at the post mark.  This letter was mailed November 29th 1958!! It was mailed via Air Mail with a 7 cent stamp from NYC!


Some interesting facts from the letter:

It was written on stationary from the Hotel Algonquin on 59 West 44th Street, New York 36, NY

Click here for the very interesting hotel history.


It mentions two of their friends they are hanging out with; Paul O’Neill apparently a writer for Life Magazine and Chuck Garrett also some kind of writer. (Both of whom I have found online)


It was signed by Hazel & Steve.


1958 means they missed Martin and Lewis by a couple of years, but after a little google investigation seems Peggy Lee was playing there at the time as well as Tony Bennet!


She ended the letter by saying they were on their way to DC next. 



Now what to do with this very fascinating piece of history?  Why was it stuck in my car?  Was it meant for me? What are the chances that "Grandma" is still alive?

Friday, November 18, 2005

Holy Satsuma Batman!

Those wee oranges that I LOVE LOVE LOVE are in season and on sale for $3 at QFC starting this week! It is one of the reasons I love this time of year. I am so happy!

The problem with dating musicians...

There are songs out there in the world that were written about me during times where I could have been described as a girl behaving badly. It was never intentional, I was just a victim of my own head/confusion. BUT, I was wrapped up in a relationship with one musician or another at the time and now there are these songs...
I think they are great songs, and some days I can listen to them without even blinking, but some days the guilt sets in. The cringe of knowing that you hurt someone and now that time will always live on in a song. It is like you can never run from your mistakes when they have been so eloquently recorded, you can't just throw them away.
The funny thing is there are more love songs than angry songs and the love songs sometimes have the same effect on me.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

One year down & it is still freezing in here!

Today is my one year anniversary at my job. It doesn't seem like I have been here for a full year, but I have. That means I have vacation time/sick days again! Thank goodness, because I was starting to loose my mind knowing no matter how sick I get I don't get to take a day off. My last illness following the NYC trip was dealt with by large consumption of Dayquill and Nyquill and forcing myself to make it through each day.
I have learned a lot in the last year. Less about advertising and more about people. I have always worked in positions where I deal with some part of the public on some level. This job has opened me to a different audience than the last job. The last job I spoke to a lot of retail buyers and sales people and snowboarders. This job I deal with a lot of apartment managers, musicians and a certain type of random Seattlite that I just can't categorize (unless I use the phrase bleeping crazy)
The office politics are also quite different here than any place I have ever worked. All I will say on a public forum is that I have seen a different type of office dynamic than I ever knew actually existed. It has had its ups and downs, but I finally feel like I figured out how to work with/in the dynamic. I just had to let go of every notion I had of working in an office from before and start from scratch. Not a bad thing, just different.

I've also learned that no matter where you work, large or small corporations, they will never get the office temp right and it will always be freezing in the office!

The only real let down was that I didn't move up to more vacation at one year like I thought I would. It turns out that that doesn't happen until two years. I guess I didn't read the fine print.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I wanna sleep with common people...

So last night they re-ran the episode of Friends where they were making their celebrity top 5 lists. (For those of you not in the know, that is 5 celebs you can sleep with when you are in a relationship without getting into trouble)

I recently came up with a variation of this list called "24 hour boys" (which Jeannine and I thought would also be a pretty fun band name) Basically it is a list of the top 5 boys you meet after you get in a relationship that you wish you could get a 24 hour free pass with. I would share my list, but then I would have to keeeeel you. So instead I will share my Celebrity top 5 as of today (I am fickle, it changes)

1- Julian McMahon
2- Robert Downey JR
3- Ralph Fiennes and/or Joseph Fiennes
4- Antonio Banderas
5- Angelina Jolie

Monday, November 14, 2005

My life in pictures.

I am married to photographs. I read message boards to try to “be there” to see it through other people’s eyes. We squeeze in a weeks worth of conversations into one hour phone calls on Sundays. I let go to hold on.
These are ways I try to keep it together while we are apart.

Sometimes it really sucks.

Friday, November 11, 2005

The incredible shrinking tour…

One piece of good news is that the last leg or the European tour is getting smaller. The guys are working on getting it lean and mean. This means when Jon leaves again after New Years it won’t be until March like it looked like a while ago. I have to admit I am as relieved by this as much as I am sure a lot of Euro fans will probably be disappointed by this news!

Why Can't I be You?

It's payday!
So far I have:

1- Paid my student loan.

2- Bought sexy new knee high boots. They are vintage, brown leather and too cute! I LOVE them, I am wearing them right now and they fit perfectly. Now my boot collection is that much closer to being complete!

3- Ate some of the best tofu Phad Thai drowning in peanut sauce ever. Yum!

What I want to do:
1- I want to go see Pride and Prejudice so much! I LOVE Jane AustEn!

2- I also want to see Walk the Line because I love music related love stories especially ones that make me feel all squishy and remind me of the rock-n-roll love story that is my life. (Have I mentioned lately how much I miss that guy)

3- finish my laundry so I can quit writing laundry related posts. (I so want to make some sort of pun about not airing my dirty laundry publicly, but I am trying hard to refrain from this.)

Many strange dreams last night about furry footwear, ex-co-workers, girl cults and Croatia. I will let you use your imagination, because I certainly exercised mine with this dream. It would have confused David Lynch.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Little by Little - Harvey Danger

I have had a few weeks now to get to know the new Harvey Danger record intimately and I love it!
I am really looking forward to seeing them live in support of this record. (Nov 18th is the next Seattle show) If you chose to take advantage of the free download and not buy the CD you are totally missing out! My most favorite song on this record, the one that gets the repeat button the most and has become one of my top ten favorite songs for 2005 is not on the free download! You have got to dig deep and buy the disc for this one.
It is a song called Cold Snap. I love it because it sounds so different than everything they have done in the past, it shows Sean's range to a point where I didn't even recognize it was him the first time it came on. It has a totally sexy vibe to it that just gets under your skin. I love it, love it, love it. So go out and buy it, you will love it too!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

But now I sit when my new wife talks...

Things are going better than expected these days. I have been sticking very close to home and doing a little bit of work each day to get things closer to being "Holiday ready" whatever that is.
Laundry is scary on the weekdays as I found out last night. Now that we have moved into daylight savings, it is dark by the time I get home. Our laundry room is in the back of our building, you have to go outside and around back down these creepy stairs behind the dumpster. The room has these little cages that are storage areas that look more like a spooky torture chamber.
Let's just say, a girl with my imagination who's husband is away can really work herself into a serious case of the willies. I nearly killed myself running back up the stairs trying to rush back to light and safety. I may have to take a hiatus on finishing the laundry until the weekend when I can do it in the light. (Like most things laundry is also better with the lights on! Mragh!)

It has been insanely cold and I have not even started on making scarves this year. I have not been feeling inspired. I go through phases with my artistic adventures. Sometimes I am a painter, I am CRAZY about painting and producing pieces, one after another. I work very fast and they are actually pretty OK for what they are. I get all into it and get lost in it and then one day I am over it. It is like being possessed for short periods of time. That is the only way I can explain it. The same goes for music, writing, crafting, drawing, and pretty much anything else you can think of... I am truly a Jane of all trades master of none.

The only consistent thing about my brain is when I see new things, anything, my mind always asks the question "What could I turn that into?"

Monday, November 07, 2005

bring it baby!

I'm gonna shoot you!

This weekend...

I think I pretty much wore the same PJs all weekend and didn't leave the house once. I slept on the couch and Darian and I ate as if food did not have calories.

I did TONS of laundry, so last night we slept in clean yummy smelling sheets and this morning I had a whole new wardrobe to choose from when I got dressed. It is amazing how if you go without doing laundry for so long, it is almost like going shopping when you finally get around to it because you find clothes you forgot you owned.
Sadly- even after polishing off a roll of quarters and then some I still have laundry that needs to be done. Mostly blankets and towels are left, so I will be working on those throughout the week.

I also have some plans for switching some things around in my bedroom that I am quite looking forward to. I think it will give me the illusion of more space. Basically I am readying our little place for the upcoming holidays and all that entails with family and friends floating through the house.

I finally got a chance to have a conversation with Jon that lasted more than five minutes. That was nice. We ended up burning through two hours worth of phone cards. (Big thanks to his mom for providing the phone cards as a Halloween gift!)

Oddly enough after all of the family drama from last week, both my mother AND my father called me yesterday. I talk to my dad all of the time, but I rarely speak to my mom as she is super busy right now with her house and her work at the hospital. I think it is funny because I have always felt my parents have some strange intuitive thing that makes them always call me on the same day whenever something is going on in my life where I need to speak to them.
They actually shed some light on my feelings about the whole holiday situation for me. I guess when I was growing up the holidays were always very tense around my house because they always clashed on what the proper way to spend a holiday was. My whole "no pressure/loose go with the flow holiday" vision that I remember so fondly was apparently full of tense undercurrents.
My dad always thought holidays were a good time to go hunting with the boys, she always thought they were a time for family to all be together, in the end they were just a time that everyone painted on a smile and rushed through with very little pomp and circumstance. That must be why I seem so ambivalent when it comes to the holidays. I was taught from a time before I can even remember consciously to just put my head down and try to get through them as quickly and painlessly as humanly possible. That would explain why they make me so terribly uncomfortable as well.


Sunday, November 06, 2005

Bragging Rights...

Here is the lastest work by my ever so talented little girl.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005


It's hard to believe
how many times I've watched him
tear it all down and start over again.
He's afraid of success if he might have to share in the glory.

"Did you have a nice trip?"
she asked with a knowing look in her eye.
The answer falls the same way the question fails to convey what's really going on.

There's a girl with a drink in her hand
who screams "I'm wasting away"
but they all raise their glasses, "Salut"
and pretend not to see it.

He stripped his life of everything
in the name of freedom
Now he slips back into the same pair of comfortable shoes
and calls them new and claims to be happy.

She fears what happens next
after love and after death
she shakes and anticipates disappointment

There's an emptiness that comes with the rain.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Things that make me happy

pretty eyes that smile
thrift store treasures
freshly dyed hair
foot rubs/ back rubs from my honey
those little match boxes with wooden match sticks in them
music with great hooks
singers with soul
fun time with my daughter
manis and pedis
warm fuzzy kitties
good friends who sleep like dead people and don't steal the blankets
flirting with pretty boys to pass the time
scents that remind me of people
the day he comes home
Brach's cinnamon bears
pears, cheese and good red wine
songs that understand
movies that make me cry
music boxes that play haunting melodies
being on the list
free CD's in the mail
overnight trips to random places
trick or treating with my girl
perfect text messages
feeling like I made a difference
unraveling a mystery
keeping a secret
feeling loved

Britney and Number One

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Let me be someone else for just one night and we will go to many parties...

Last night it was the Jell-O shots that did me in. Jell-O shots? What am I 18? But they were yummy so I don’t care.

I got to see one of my favorite bits of local eye candy, so that was cool. Britney and I chatted up a dirty ninja who's wet suit left little to the imagination. I was refered to as "Number One" all night. I think I looked more like a trekki with huge hair. Photos to follow.

I shot a girl in the butt with a sticky dart and turned L Ron Hubbard into my own personal dart board. I hit Tom Cruise a few times. I drank PBR (Again what am I 18?!?!)

Creepy Russian guy tried to feel me up. He was about to get slapped when Ben Lashes called him over and I managed to escape without physically hurting anyone. Thanks for the interference.

I got told about 3 times I "Looked great for my age" WTF??? Don't ask me how old I am if you are going to follow it with that sort of comment. I know you think it is sweet but I think it makes me sound old which I am not.

My head aches this morning (or afternoon) whatever you want to call it. I need at least three days to recover, someone call my office and let them know.

I can't wait to see L Ron Hubbard's pictures!

Friday, October 28, 2005

more lyrics to songs I am working on- I need to get new strings on my guitar this weekend

This time it breaks on me
like waves to the shore
the water rises
but can't escape.
It curls and froths
then evaporates
like all of the frozen winters between then and now.

Forever is a broken promise.
As impossible as the distance
and as impractical as this very existence.
But there it stands
the immovable force
that binds us
and is so easily undone
by the whims of Distance and Death.

Today I could get close enough to touch the sun
and win.

in all of my randomness....

So it has been confirmed to me that there is a third leg of the Posies tour in Europe. The person who told me said "Don't kill the messenger" but in a way I am mad at him. Totally irrational, but true. It's not personal and I will get over it. Probably because I don't know him at all so it is easier to be mad at him than be mad at them. I am thinking of unsubscribing to all things Posie related so I don't have to hear about any of it anymore. Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away faster. It doesn't help that I have barely spoke to Jon since he left because of the time zone difference. We made a date to have a long chat on Saturday.

I am listening to music that I am very proud of right now. It took me a very long time before I could hear The Fraggle's voice but now it doesn't phase me.

Oh and they are working on our bathrooms here at work today so I have to walk down to the second floor if I need to use the potty. That only sucks because we already have limited amount of toilets for the amount of people in the office, when you cut that in half you get lines. I get shy and can't go if there is someone waiting outside the door. I know, stupid, but true. If I even imagine someone can hear me tinkle in the toilet I just can't do it. This means I must not only walk down to the second floor but I must actually walk down the street to the coffee shop to pee.

I wish the bakery by my house would hire me and pay me what I make here. That would be so cool.

I am going to go shopping at Value Village downstairs today for my lunch break. I am looking for a couple of things for Darian. She has made some requests and today is payday after all.

This is totally movie theatre weather.

I am going to Las Vegas as soon as I find a cheap ticket. I am going to visit my good friend Melissa and I am bringing Darian with me. If you see any tix for the weekend for around $100 let me know!

Laundry will be done this weekend. I am not sure how, or when, but it will be done.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Right now the sun is trying to kill the moon.

I can't stand how much I miss him this time. I am not handling it well at all. I slept on the couch last night just so I didn't have to sleep in our room. I hope they take more than just a three week break in December because I really can't handle another three months in Europe. I can deal with the states a lot better at least then I can fly and see him on the weekends.

I feel like I am just sitting on the edge of crying all of the time right now. But I don't because I know no matter how much I cry it isn't going to speed up time and make him come home sooner.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Another long wonderful weekend:

Posies played Neumos. Their first club show since the new record came out. Not only were they featured in an amazing 3 page article in the weekly, the show was packed! I was pretty out of it at first because I made the mistake of taking a nap on the couch before we left, so when we first got to the show I had the weird dreamy feeling were you feel like you are walking in slow motion while everyone is on fast speed. I was in dire need of a coffee, but didn’t get one before we left.
As I floated through the place I saw so many people that I was really happy to see but suddenly felt very overwhelmed. I grabbed a diet soda for the extra jolt and went to the green room to wake the rest of the way up before trying to be social again. It totally worked, I was ready to go.
I LOVED the show! The guys played like rock stars, made a lot of inappropriate jokes from the stage, drank Jager-bombs, and played a long set with two encores. The crowd danced and sang along. My favorite part is when Jon got on the drums and just he and Ken covered one of my favorite songs off of Failure. I have never seen him do that before. He can play drums and sing like he does it every day too! My multi-talented hubby still surprises me!
Got home late, got up too early the next day for work. If I had time off I would have taken it but I used up the rest of my time off for the NY trip, don’t get more until mid-November! Wha!

We rented a car for the Bellingham trip. It wasn’t the same car as we rented the last time, it is some sort of Honda. I am not sure I still like that one as much as the last one, too loud on the freeway and one of the rear speakers was blown. Next time I am going to make sure we take it for some sort of test run before we rent.
The drive was nice, Jeanine came along with us since she has never been to Bellingham. We all chatted on the drive up and listened to the mixed CDs that Chris mailed me the other day. We also listened to the new Broadcast Debut CD that Jon worked on. I have a good feeling about those guys, the record is really very cool!
The in-laws were there when we got to the club. They went outside with Jon to chat. I stayed inside because Jon had just purchased drinks for Jeannine and I and well I was not dressed very weather appropriate.
When they came back in we did get the opportunity to catch up and I met Ken’s mom when she came to say hello to Jon’s parents. In fact I have met the parents of all of The Posies on this tour.
The show was a lot of fun. We scouted out our spots at the front of the stage in front of Jon. I had one girl fighting me for position while she took about 18000 pictures of Jon trying to get the “perfect shot”. It makes me laugh when I am at shows and no one knows that I am Jon’s wife. I am standing at the front of the stage, and people who are trying to get “noticed” push their way past me, sometimes say rude and obnoxious things, and are just all around catty thinking I am some kind of groupie competeling with them for position./ Then, sometime near the end of the show he usually does something or says something that tips everyone off that we are married, then all of a sudden their whole attitude changes. Suddenly they are all smiles and sometimes even apologize for the rudeness and say, “Oh I didn’t know!” as if that made it OK.
One girl in the bathroom cornered me and asked, “So you are Jon’s wife then?” (This was right after he pointed me out, or um, my cleavage out, from the stage) I said, “Yes.”
Then she said, “Well then if they are married why don’t they wear wedding rings? I looked earlier and I didn’t see any!”
In other words, what she didn’t realize she was saying because she obviously had a few was, “I was checking out the hands of the singers to see which one was up for grabs.”
“OF COURSE they are wearing rings!” I answered, “I know for a fact that my husband never takes his off, you must not have been looking hard enough! And as for Ken, his it tattooed on his finger so it is impossible that he is not wearing his!”
She then mumbled something about not needing another drink and left the bathroom.
At one point during the show Jon announced that Jeannine’s birthday was that weekend and was going to say happy birthday to her. I told him she was in the loo. So then he had the whole audience say “Happy Birthday Jeannine.” And then he had the whole audience say “Get out of the bathroom Jeannine” and then when they were in the middle of saying “How’s it going in there?” she walked out and had no idea what was going on! Then they all said happy birthday again, I caught her up on what she missed and she blushed and laughed.
Near the end of the show the guys started pulling people up on stage. Jeannine got up and I was drug up along with the pack. I hate dancing on stage especially to “You’re the Beautiful one” since it REALLY is not a dance song! So I did my cursory 2 minutes and snuck off as soon as possible, but Jeannine stayed up and totally got her boogie on. It was quite spectacular.
After the show was over we found a huge bunch of helium balloons left from a party they had there earlier. I asked if we could have them, the boss said yes and Jeannine, Dom, Matt and myself proceeded to suck the helium out of all of them. Even Ken and Jon came over to join in. Too much fun!
The drive home was long and I had a lot of trouble keeping my eyes open. Jon put in some comedy CD about hippies and tiny two inch people. I am not sure what it was but it was funny. No matter how I tried, I could not stay awake.

We woke up early which was difficult because of our late night, but necessary because we had a birthday party to throw for our beautiful little girl that afternoon! After a jumbo coffee we got the house all set up. We did Karaoke and Dance Dance Revolution. We ate chocolate cake and ice cream. Darian loved her gifts and her party. It was a really nice family day, and Jon and I both enjoyed having the house full of giggly voices and happy little kids. It is one of the best things ever! I accidentally fall asleep around 9PM though which was a bummer because I meant to go to Jeannine’s birthday celebration for a few minutes at least and give her her gift, but sleep overcame me and the next thing I knew it was 3AM and way past last call. I hope she forgives me.

We ran around and did some shopping. Jon was trying to get everything he needed before he leaves tomorrow. Darian got a new watch that she was very happy about. I almost had Jon buy me a beautiful Michael Kors purse that was on sale, but both Jon and Darian vetoed it. They didn’t think it was as cute as I thought it was. Oh well. He did buy me my favorite unbearably hot cinnamon gummy bears! Yum!
We have been trying to ignore the fact that he is leaving for Europe again tomorrow. It is hard to, but what else can we do? He is off getting some last minute things done right now while I am writing this. I am so over this tour. If I didn’t have all of the responsibilities as I do here and if Darian didn’t have school I would totally take her and join him, but it isn’t going to happen. Weekending in the US is a lot easier. There is some talk of Japan this summer though and we will for sure take Darian on that trip with us, but that doesn’t chance the fact that he is leaving tomorrow and will be gone again until the middle of December.
He did bring me some beautiful calla lilies a few minutes ago and put them in this really cool red blown glass vase he bought for us the other day. Always the sweetheart! I am so happy that I married the love of my life!

Friday, October 21, 2005

I found my dad on the internets!!!

he is in this photo I snatched from the Oranger site:

see here- my pops rocking out

He is very young looking to be my dad I think.

I am freaking tired!

What time did my head hit the pillow last night? 3AM
What time did I get up? 7:45 AM
What time do I get off work today? 5:30 PM
What do I do when I get off work today? Start all over again.

I love The Posies, I really do, but I need some sleep!

so tired. so very very tired.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I hear McDonald's is hiring jerk!

When I was 19 and became a single mom, all the odds were against me, but I worked really hard, put myself through school. Took one crappy job after another until I had enough experience to get better jobs and now my life is really great. It was not easy, but I set goals and made things happen.
Darian and I were walking home from the store after making a few purchases for things she needed for school in the morning. We are having a great conversation and she is in the middle of trying to explain something to me when I hear someone shouting at us. I am trying to ignore them and then I hear it more clearly as it was approaching fast.
It was someone shouting, "Excuse me, excuse me, exc-u-u-u-se me Ma'am!" TOTALLY interrupting my daughter and what she was telling me.
I finally just shouted over my shoulder, "I don't have any money!"
And suddenly the desperate/sad tone in their voice vanished and the pounding sound of running feet stopped and they said, "Oh, OK."
This person was going to chase my child and I down the street late at night in hopes to what? Get money from me? When they are healthy enough and capable enough to shout at me and chase me down the street, I think they can be healthy enough and capable enough to get a freaking job.
I am a very empathetic person. I have a huge heart and will usually go out of my way to help people in need, but this is where I draw the line. I've worked in a grill and flipped burgers to get by in my time. If I can do it, so can they!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Props to the folks who deserve them this week...

Even though they are the biggest competitor of the paper I work for, I have to give them big props for showing the love to my boys.

10 years ago today-

My friend called in and won tickets on the radio to see a rock show in Anchorage, Alaska by answering the cheeky question "What color is a red light?"
After she won the two tickets instead of thanking the radio station, she asked if she could have two more to bring all of her friends. (Only she would be brave enough to do that!) After a brief hesitation they granted her wish.
That show was for a band called The Posies. We knew they had put out a record called Failure some years before but we did not know they had put out any records since then. When she first told me I was going to this show with her, I must admit I thought she meant the band who wrote that Monkey song, but after a while I figured out it was that band who wrote that I may hate you sometimes song off of my favorite mixed tape.
Since I had not really gone out because my daughter had only just turned 1 year old the day before, I was quite hesitant to go to the show. I never really did the rock show thing at that point. I was way more into going to goth night at dance clubs. (That statement makes me laugh now, because you could not drag me into a goth dance club and rock shows are my life! Funny how things change.) After much convincing on my friends part I gave in. She did almost get in an accident trying to get home to her phone to try to win tickets after all! (This was a little before everyone had cell phones in their cars. heck, this was nearly before regular/non techi people had the Internet!)
I got my dad to agree to watch my daughter and my group of 4 mommy friends got all dressed up and went to the show. It was like Mommy and Me goes rock-n-roll! Three of us had children under 2 and the 4th, our friend who won the tickets, her daughter (My daughter's half sister) was almost 5. Got it? Good.
The club we went to was a place called Gigs music club in Anchorage. It was an all ages club that had a designated beer garden style area upstairs.
The ladies wanted to go up to the beer garden to avoid the overwhelming amount of crazy teens there. I don't think I had ever seen that place so packed before or since. I was told later the show had been sold out. They had a three night stint there and this was day #2 the next night was supposed to be a strictly 21 and over show.
My friend who won the tickets and I were stopped dead in our tracks when we saw someone that we thought momentarily could have been the jerk of an ex that we had in common (The reason our daughters are half sisters) Upon closer investigation, it was not him, it was one of the band members. (Later we found out his name was Ken.)
A few minutes later she spotted another boy talking to the ex's doppleganger, but this one she fancied. We could tell was not anyone from our tiny town (As we knew all of the cute boys) His name was Brian. She didn't talk to him, but was able to figure out he was in the band.
The rush down to the stage started a few minutes later and we went down to secure our spots. The place was packed. The only standing room was all the way in the back or the little "secured area" to the side of the stage. This venue also had these huge monitors that were the size of a table top sitting in the front of the stage. My friend grabbed my hand and worked our way up to the secure area on the side of the stage. Security was a little lax here so no one harassed us (It was Alaska after all!) The band got on stage and started playing. We were on the side of the stage where this cute boy with purple hair was playing. He looked like a purple haired Antonio Banderas. We also noticed he was wearing a wedding ring almost immediately so the fact he was cute mattered not. One of my friends, determined to get a better view of the drummer decided she was going to climb up on one of the big speakers and start dancing. There was plenty of room, you could have easily fit two people on them, and moments later my other two friend proved this by jumping on the other speakers on Ken's side of the stage.
Seeing as I am not the worlds biggest exhibitionist, I sort of ducked back to the side of the stage and watched my friends get their boogie on. The band was rocking out and jumping all over the small stage. Jon was flinging his guitar chord all over the place, which was quite a bit longer than he needed for this sized stage. The next thing I know it flings out and whips me right across the face! He saw what he did and looked me in the eye with a really horrified apologetic look. I just shrugged it off and he kept rocking.
A few more songs later my crazy friend grabbed my hand and pulled me up on her speaker. I figured they had been doing it for the whole show I could at least take a chance and give it a go. Of course the minute I get up on the speaker the next song is REALLY slow! (I found out later it was a song called Coming Right Along) MAN ALIVE this song was slow, so I busted out with the serious slow moving Goth moves! Oh yes! Contorted body and flailing hands, the whole nine. Thank God my friend dancing next to me was the same, so it was dandy. If you are familiar with this song you might also know that it lasts like 10 minutes, or at least that is what it felt like when I was trying to dance on that speaker! By the time the ended the song, I was ready to get back on the floor. The guys left stage, came back for an encore and then disappeared down the hall to the side of the stage where I got hit in the face. At the end of the hall there appeared to be some kind of small greenroom area. My friend, determined to investigate the drummer situation a little more thoroughly looked at me and said, "Wait here a minute!" and took off down the hall and disappeared into the small room.
I stood there waiting, at this point a little annoyed because I had already been away from my baby longer than I ever had, and I think I was still feeling a little conspicuous due to the silly speaker dancing and just the fact that I was still not completely used to my body since having a baby. (I never really had boobs before and at this point I was a nursing mom and I was sporting quite a top heavy look if you know what I mean! Another thing I have totally embraced over the years but made me feel very self-conscious at barely 21.) So I was just generally uncomfortable. As I stood there staring down the hall getting increasingly annoyed, the guy who looked too much like my ex came up to me and said, "Hello, hold this for me!" and handed me a large Slurpie cup. I took the cup more out of shock than anything and stood there while he vanished into that back room as well. I looked in the cup and realized it was full of beer. I hate beer, so it would do me no good, not to mention the fact this was an all ages show and this was not the designated beer area. The last thing I needed was to get thrown out of the first club I went to after turning 21 for having beer in an all ages show. I don't know if it was the fact that he reminded me of the ex or the fact I was just on crazy postpartum hormones, or that I got smacked in the face that night but I was over it.
I stood there fuming when I caught a glimpse of purple hair, I grabbed his arm and he turned around, I said, "Hey, this belongs to your friend, will you take it please?!"
He said, "Oh, hey, I wanted to talk to you! I am so sorry for hitting you with the cord..."
We chatted for a bit. I don't really remember what was said, but I remember this distinct feeling of being pulled in, sort of like being hypnotized. That is the only way to describe it. I was having an internal monologue about the fact that I could not be interested in this guy because he was married, but there was undeniable chemistry while talking to him. I could literally feel something in the world shift. The night progressed and there was a lot more talking and hanging out. One night turned into the next four days, it was all very innocent though.

It was still several months down the road before we even kissed for the first time, but that moment, on the side of the stage at a rock club in Anchorage, Alaska that no longer exists, over a Slurpie cup full of beer that was not ours is when we locked eyes and spoke for the first time and the rest is history. (A long drawn out history with years of craziness, ups and downs, distance, doubt, questions, silence, other relationships, music....)

That moment ten years ago was the first paragraph on the first page of the history of us.

Angelita - Jon Auer SFTYOOD:
"It was a beautiful sight
all in the blink of an eye
like at the end of the night
when the darkness turns to light.

With the promise to be
You kept it burning for me
Like the sun in July
when it hurts too much to see...

You were the only one who knew all of the hell I put you through
you were the tested tried and true...
You were the only pair of eyes clear enough to recognize
you were the first to realize

I kept you hidden away
seven years to the day
The 27th of May...
You were beautiful then
you're astonishing now
as much as life will allow...

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