Tuesday, December 06, 2005

The mystery is you...

I think it is funny that Jon has to sometimes remind me that life is not one of the stories I am writing and the people are not my characters. Therefore they won't always act the way that I would write them.
It is funny because I really do need to be reminded. I am always giving people too much or too little credit. I tend to fill in the blanks with what I think made them act or react certain ways and where their next step will take them. Sometimes it is uncanny how right I am with my guessing. I even had a silly ex-boyfriend accuse me of being some sort of psychic. I found this to be amusing, but not true at all. Truth be told I am just a good guesser and a lot of people are very predictable. Life is just one big chess game.
It is the people who I cannot figure out at all that keep me fascinated. I could lose days trying to unravel an atypical personality. A lot of people thought I would make a good therapist, but sometimes the emotional aspects of it all make me feel far too uncomfortable.
A lot of people mistake me for being a highly emotional person because I seem so open and fiery, but I am only comfortable with certain emotions. I am good with love, happiness, passion, conflict, and anger. I can deal with all of these things with ease and usually come away from any situation in a good way.
However, I am not good with real pain, loss, or grief. I have lost too many people and have too many of my own demons in those departments to be of any use to anyone else at this point in the game. I can't bring myself to tell another person in my life who is dying that "everything is going to be OK" because I can't say it with any conviction. They would know I was lying. There used to be a time I believed that, but that time has past. So now, when I am faced with loosing someone who I care about and who is reaching out to me, I am at a loss for words.


Michelle Auer said...

I can see the point you are trying to make and I thank you for being so sweet. I feel the same way once it happens, it is the leading up to it part, knowing it is coming & trying to be hopeful that I have a really hard time with.


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