Saturday, February 14, 2004

Down Time

I will never apologize for who I have been
Only for who I have hurt along the way
Speak in riddles and people will listen
Tell the truth
They will cry or turn away

In some radical sense of perception
I saw the future
In another way
Or was it the past in another life
I can never really be too sure these days

Who raises the child when the parent still needs to grow?
They say it takes a village
It must take a lifetime to get there.

This body is whole and young and beautiful,
with eyes that give too much away.
My blood has turned against me and my brain battles with my heart, with my soul for control of it’s actions

A liquid lover
I drink your spirits
I try to fill up
But I am left empty.

So many people grasp and reach out
Looking for the magic word
The perfect phrase
The ray of hope that makes it all better

That key is locked away some place inside
So deep I wonder myself if I will ever reach it.

I see it all slipping through my fingers,
Just as I think I can hold on again,
Some days it all seems to click
Like I have all of the answers
That seemed so out of reach
Now everything makes sense

Then I touch my heart again
And realize how very open the wounds still are
How the scars have made me harder and the scabs are fragile
How easy it is to fall again

I have seen bodies where the flesh is weak and frail but the spirit soars
I want to touch that
I want to find that in myself

Some say it is in God, meditation, self-discovery, and recovery.
Some say it is all in the mind
A choice

Funny, I don’t remember being asked if I wanted this.

Friday, February 13, 2004

My dearest sister friend.....

Dear sister,

Don’t hate her because she has him, remember he chose to be with her.

Don’t judge her because he loves her. Don’t try to pick her apart and try to figure out what the formula is that makes him desire her.

Don’t waste your time trying to see what it was about her that made him want more with her than he did with you.

Sometimes life just works that way.

They were meant to be, because they are, whether or not you agree.

Why should you waste your time commiserating with your friends on her hair, her outfit, her skin, her weight, her height, her voice, her talent, her laugh, her shoes, her hands, her eyes, her ass, her attitude…

What if you took the time to get to know her? Are you afraid you might find out that she has a huge heart and she would be crushed if she ever heard what you and your friends say about her? Are you afraid you would see past your own insecurities and see that she can be insecure too? Are you afraid to find out her life isn’t perfect and it isn’t her fault that he didn’t love you?

You might even learn that she didn’t even know that you existed. You would find out that everything she does is not intended to hurt you, every time she laughs she isn’t laughing at you, and when she looks beautiful it isn’t to spite you. Her only crime is ignorance to your existence.

Does it scare you to let go of the unwarranted anger against her because you are afraid that you will see that you are really mad at him and at yourself for still being hung up on someone who doesn’t return your affection?

You don’t know her, and if you did, you would realize she is a lot like you. In other circumstances you may have even become friends.

Be angry with the one who betrayed you, the one who hurt you, the one who mislead you. You may be surprised to find that you need to be angry with yourself for letting it go this far.

Don’t be angry at the object of his affection. Feel for her because she is your sister and hope that he never makes her feel the way you do. Hope that you can let go of your anger and bitterness and move on with your life and try to be happy that someone you claimed to have had feelings for is happy in his life too.

Life is too short to waste your time or tears, confront your pain and make sure you are directing your anger at the right target.

The biggest favor you can do for yourself is let go of your pain. As soon as you lift that dark veil from your life you will finally be able to see what is really in front of you. You will finally be able to move forward and get out of the darkness that is your own obsession.

Don’t hate me because he chose to love me and I chose to love him back. Don’t hate me for my happiness. It’s not personal.

I didn’t even know you existed.

Your sister

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