Comparing scars.

Every year June 16th creeps up on me. When I start to see all of the Father's Day commercials all over the television and the newspapers, I immediately start to feel sad. I love my dad, he is one of my most favorite people. The Father's Day sadness has nothing to do with him.

In 1996 I woke up on Father's Day (Which was June 16 that year) to my phone ringing way too early in the morning. My friend, Jamie was on the line. She was crying. In between gasps of air she informed me that JD, George and Carrie were all killed in a car wreck at about 3AM. (A car wreck that I had been dreaming about over and over again every night for alomst a month before, which made it that much worst. It was the moment my nightmare literally came true. Which also brings up about 100 other issues that refuse to open to public discussion.)
I don't think I have ever really been the same person again after that phone call. When a small group of your friends get all wiped out in the same evening when you and they are that young, you really don't have the tools to comprehend what just happened. It is bad enough when you lose one person, but to lose three young people all at the same time. It just makes you look at life differently.

I was closest to JD, so it is his loss I feel the most, still, every day, but I remember them all. I talk about them all. I keep thinking that if I talk about them as often as possible, I am somehow keeping them alive. I keep thinking if I tell people their story and stop even one person from driving drunk, their deaths meant something. They died for a reason, no matter how small that reason might seem.

I loved JD very much, he was my friend, and he believed in me at a time where I really needed someone to believe in me. He supported me and was a great friend during one of the hardest years of my life. He helped bring music into my life, he backed me up the first time I stepped foot on a stage and always made sure I could see him whenever I played shows because he knew how much I hated being on stage, and now he is dead. (My desire to perform on a stage died along with him.)

Now three people will never know what it was like to be over the age of 23, or get married, or have babies, or grow old... It is all so fucking meaningless. Getting drunk at that party was not worth what it ended up costing everyone that night. (The drivers of the two cars in the accident that killed them were both drunk. They both lived.)

I remember at JD's funeral, the funeral director was trying to console me. He told me that it may not seem like it now, but every death makes sense at some point. I'm still waiting for the day for these deaths to "make sense". I'm still looking for answers to all of the questions that phone call left me with. Every day I'm still looking for signs that he is somewhere nearby no matter how silly that may sound.

When I was riding in the passanger seat of the car this weekend staring out the window, thinking of them, feeling pretty hopeless, this car passed us. I just happened to have my camera:


That's all I have right now.

Alaska

While I was back in Alaska earlier this month I shot a couple of videos. People always ask me what it is like up there, so I thought it would be fun to string them together and give you a little glimpse.
Most of this video was taken on the drive from my mother's house to the Airport. The song is one that I wrote the lyrics to with my old band, Dear John Letters.
I hope you enjoy my little video blog!

All in a day's work.

Some months seem longer than others. They fly by, but the amount of stuff you squeeze into a very small time frame warps the time perception when you look back over the previous days. You remember days that lasted a week just because your brain can't wrap itself around the idea that you actually squeezed that much stuff in such a limited time frame.

So far, this month, I've been to a gazillion holiday parties, been to Alaska, and worked on some of the biggest issues of the year which had all of us keeping long hours in the office.
I still have a ton of Christmas shopping to do this weekend. I've already picked it all out and made a list, it is just a matter of spending a day going around and making my purchases.

I think I will just touch on the highlights for now:
Strangercrombie: The Posies package brought in over $700 and the auction as a whole made over $60,000 for Fare Start! This is amazing! The winning bidder is having them cover a Bob Dylan song.

Alaska: It was an incredible trip. It is the first time I've traveled back to Alaska on my own in ages. I am usually accompanied by my husband or my daughter or both.
This homecoming was filled with a lot of joy, reflection, firsts, friends new and old and interesting surprise adventures!
I got to spend some time with my dear friend, Debbie and her daughter, (my daughter's older sister) Winter. (Winter turns 17 today!!) We always have such a nice time hanging out. It was neat spending time with Winter. She reminds me a lot of Darian. There was a day where I took her shopping for her birthday and we went to a movie together. Every now and then I would catch her out of the corner of my eye and forget that I wasn't out with my own daughter. It is interesting to me how similar they turned out growing up so far apart. They have so many of the same talents and hobbies. They have similar mannerisms and even the same favorite color! There are certainly differences as well, but it is just amazing to see the kind of women they are turning out to be. I could not be prouder of either of them!


Quilt: Before I left, I told my friend, Basil I would knit him a baby quilt while I was on my trip. (He and his wife Gillian are expecting any day now)
There tends to be a lot of downtime when I travel to Alaska, so I figured it would be a fun thing to do.
Well, I told my mom that I was going to make one and she thought I should quilt one since I have never made a fabric quilt before and since I was at her house and could totally utilize her master quilting studio. I was game. I figured that the worst case scenario is that it would turn out really bad, I could go back to knitting one and no one would be the wiser.
Since I have never quilted before, I had my own ideas about how a baby quilt for a "future musical prodigy" (of course) should look.
I'm pretty proud of how it turned out (They seemed to like it too!):


I'm not sure that I will be making any more quilts any time soon. It was a fun challenge, but really does take a lot of space. Our little place would be way too small to take on such a task. But, I'm glad for the experience, and now I know how to do it, so you never know... It is something that I may do again down the road!

AK Nightlife: There are a couple of really funny Alaska "night out" stories that deserve a blog all their own. When I get those photos uploaded I will write that entry. Highlights: Monster trucks, Men of Steel, punk rock, and hip hop. That is all I am saying for now.


Now that I am home, we are rushing around getting ready for the holidays. This is the first year in quite a while that I am really looking forward to Christmas. I've been struck by the holiday bug in a big way. Maybe it was the trip home, the snow, the old friends, or maybe it is just that I didn't want to be visited by three ghosts? Whatever the case may be, I'm doing great, my family and extended family are all healthy and happy, life is good.

If I don't get around to it until after the big day, Happy Holidays to you all and to all a good rest of your month!

*Loves*

Stay Warm!