Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I have an inner voice and she has a megaphone

Are dreams a part of our built in moral compass? Is understanding your dreams the path to self awareness? Do I sound like a hippy when I type that?

I remember once when I was dating a guy I was not entirely happy with I had a dream that changed everything. He was an awful boyfriend for all of the typical, by the book, reasons. Neither of us were happy or fulfilled but we had a lot invested in our relationship, so it was set up to be a relationship that would be very difficult to get out of. I could see the end, but I also knew it would still be a long while before we would get there.
I met another man, there was a spark followed by a moment.
Everyone has had one of these moments. The kind where you think to yourself, "If I wanted to I could have this. I could do this if only I gave in to it."
I didn't act on it, I walked away and then sat with the thought for a very long time.
Cue the dream.
It was one of those dreams that are so real, where you feel so present that you wake up with the feelings of having the air sucked out of your chest. For a moment all of the emotions felt during the dream are as real as anything you have ever felt when you were awake.
In this situation I dreamt that I gave in when that moment came. Everything was going great, better than great actually until the end. In the end he walked in and there was no way out of being caught. I had to face what we had done and with that I got to feel all of the emotions that one would normally feel in this situation.
The only difference between what I was feeling during the dream and what I would have felt in real life was that I could wake up from it and know I had not crossed that line. (Of course in my dream state I did not know this.)
I woke up with that knot you get in your stomach when you have done something terrible that you can't take back. It was as if the air had been knocked out of me after being punched in the gut. My mind was desperately looking for anything I could say to talk my way out of the situation, and there was nothing that could be said. I just had to own up to it, face head on what I did.
It was a terrible feeling.
It took a full five minutes before I was awake enough to realize I had not actually done anything wrong and to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not live with myself if I did.

Not only did this dream let me experience the situation without actually having to experience it, but it showed me it was time to leave a situation I was so unhappy in.


Anonymous said...

I feel ya girlie. I truly do. Or maybe I've done a lot of nicotine withdrawal hallucinating over the last few days.
Whatever the case, I still feel ya.

Michelle Auer said...

Oh honey, I am so proud of you for quitting though! ;-)

Deb Hardman said...

Have you been eating a lot of potatoes before bed lately? I hear it can make you have vivid dreams.

Michelle Auer said...

Well this was an older dream, but my dreams have always been pretty vivid. It is rare I have a dreamless night. I think it is because I don't sleep for very long and so when I do sleep I get a lot of REM sleep?
I heard once that some people dream in pictures and some people don't "see" anything but it is all about thought. Mine are like movies with lots of colors and characters and sometimes they go on and on and pick up the next night if it got interrupted the night before. Like a mini-series! :-)

Deb Hardman said...

I remember my teacher telling me that most people don't even dream in color, which surprised me, because I always have. Colorful vivid dreaming is supposed to be a sign of intelligence, so I guess we're 2 smart cookies!


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