Tuesday, January 24, 2006

They keep turning human.

I spent the whole night coming up with questions I wanted to ask him. I practiced conversations. I could not wait to meet him. I was an excited and nervous ball of energy.
The clock seemed to be moving at half time, each hour crawled by. I changed my outfit twenty times because I wanted to look just right.
He had been my hero for so long, I could hardly believe I finally had the opportunity to meet him. I wondered if he would be easy to talk to. I wondered if I would be able to get a complete sentence out without stuttering or giggling.
I promised myself I would not under any circumstances make any attempt to tell stupid jokes. I would try not to prattle on too much. I would just ask questions and listen. Soak up whatever genius he would be willing to share with me. I knew my time to talk to him would be limited, but any time would be precious.

When I finally arrived and saw him standing there, in real life, I thought I was going to faint. This person who's genius had had such an effect on my life for so long was right in front of me . There he stood within reaching distance. I took several deep breaths, pulled my mind together, organized the arsenal of questions in my head, and took the first step in his direction.

He looked up at me as I crossed the room. He smiled when he saw me coming toward him. When I got to him he reached out his hand to shake mine. I tried my hardest to not let my hand tremble when I shook his back. When the hand shake was over he did not return my hand to me. He just stood there holding my hand while he continued to speak to the people around him. It was awkward and it threw me off balance. All of the witty conversation and well thought out questions were quickly slipping from my mind. All that was going through my head was, "Why won't he let my hand go? Why is he holding my hand still?"

There I stood dumb and silent holding hands with my hero of so many years.

When he finally turned his attention back to me he looked me in the eye and said, "Well hello there pretty." with a smirk that I have seen a million times before.
My heart sunk to my feet. I knew what boorish game we were about to play, what common conversation we were about to engage in. The thought of it coming from him broke my heart.
He was looking at me the same way men have looked at me most of my life. In a one dimensional light. He had already decided he was going to give me less consideration than he would probably give the purchase of a good bottle of wine. It was written all over his face.

I tried for a moment to speak to him, to rally some of my questions, some of my excitement from earlier. There was still some hope that maybe I could break through his preconceived idea of me.
Then he tried to kiss me.
I gave him my cheek, shook his hand very hard and said, "It was very nice to meet you." and turned to walk away. I was crushed.

I wish I never met my hero. I never wanted to know he was only human.


Sloop said...

Wow, too bad. Good story though; it reminds me of Oscar Wilde's quote, "There are only 2 tragedies in this world. The first is not getting what you want; the other is getting it."

Michelle Auer said...

That is one of my all time favorite quotes!


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