I dreamed a dream that made me sad...

I had a really strange and detailed dream last eve. I just woke up from it and felt compelled to write it out before it slipped from my mind. I'm certain this will be full of grammatical errors and typos, but I just want to get it down. I will go back and fix those things later.

...........

I was living in this small town. It reminded me of a dustier version of Eagle River, AK in the summertime. There was a lot of wide open space without houses or cars for miles.
I was hiking up a hill/mountain of sorts until I came to a clearing where there was a little store. The store looked old and a little run down, but it seemed like it could be open for business still. I walked in and was taken aback by how cute it was inside. It was like the shelves were stocked from a lost time. They had sodas in tall glass bottles and cans with labels that looked like they would be more comfortable on the antique road show.
A very handsome young man was behind the counter. He was dressed as if from another time as well.
“I feel like I just walked into a different time!” I giggled nervously to him.
“What do you mean?” he asked
“Oh, I see, this is like the renaissance fair where you have to go for authentic right?” I said gestering at his outfit with my hand.
“Um sure...” He said and then asked “Are you a painter?”
He was looking at the easel and box I had under my arm. I was in fact out scouting for something to paint.
“Indeed, I am.” And then I asked, “Would you mind if I painted this place? It is perfect.”
“As you wish.” He answered with a smile.

I set everything up and started sketching. I decided I would paint the detail of the place but he would be the main focus of the piece. There was something very beautiful about him that I wanted to get on a canvas.

We chatted about everything. It was the kind of conversation a couple would have on a first date that was going really well. By the end of the day I found myself opening up to him in ways I don’t open up to even my closest friends. I was not getting a lot of work done because I was talking so much, but he had already agreed to let me come back as often as I wanted until it was finished.
“I don’t get a lot of customers here this time of year.” He said, “I would appreciate the company.”

Then time was just sort of moving in fast forward as is common with dreams. I just kept going back to the store and he was always there. I painted, we talked and we fell in love.

I was at a place with the painting where I needed to detail his face. I was always working with filtered lights coming through the cracks in the shades. It was bright enough to see, but to get the details I would need better light.

“Would you mind if I pulled up this blind so I could get a better look at your face?” I asked as I started to search around for the string.
“Sure.” He said, “So I was thinking I would like you to come meet my family. I have been telling them about you. I would really like to introduce you to them.”
I found the string and started tugging at it. “That would be great! I'd love to see you outside of this store...” I started to say as the blinds finally gave and started to roll up. I turned to him and said,. “Now let’s see that handsome face!”
The light poured into the room in a long square shaft that fell across the counter and the man behind it. I gasped when it hit his face, closed my eyes and dropped the blinds.
“Is there a problem?” he asked
“Um, no... I’m just having trouble with the blinds.” I told him. I closed my eyes hard, gave myself a little pep talk and pulled the blinds up again.
I opened my eyes, the light hit his face and I saw the thing that made me drop them the first time. I started to roll them up and down and staring at him.
Whenever the light would roll up his body it would change to a nearly transparent thing. He reminded me of the mummified corpses I have seen in museums and on the history channel over the years. He had a kind of transparency to him that made him seem projected on the wall behind him.
Suddenly it became clear to me why no one else had ever come into the store in all of the time I have spent there. Why the phone never rang, why I never saw him eat or drink. He wasn’t real. He was a ghost or a figment of my imagination or something, but he wasn’t real or human.
“Do you need me to help you with that thing?” he asked and started to walk towards me and out of the sunbeam.
When he stepped out of the light he was the man that I have been talking to for what seemed like months. The man who had been giving me butterflies, who I had been sharing all of my spare time with. He was flesh and bone and as real as I was. He didn’t seem to have any idea what he really was, and I suddenly found myself wanting to protect him from this knowledge because I feared if he knew he might vanish and I would lose him.
“You know… I think the lighting with the shades down is better for painting after all.” I told him and dropped the blinds.
“You are an indecisive one aren’t you?” He said and closed the distance between us, “Since I am over here…” he whispered, “There is something I have wanted to do for days now.” and he kissed me.
Initially the kiss sort of freaked me out since I just found out he was not alive or human for all I knew. I resisted but then gave in to the fact it was the warmest, sweetest kiss ever.
I could not tell him what I knew about him because I was in love with him. I needed to protect him from the truth.

More time passed and I came back every day. We got closer, the seasons changed and soon there was snow on the ground.

One wintery afternoon I walked in to see him and he greeted me with “I have a surprise for you!”
“What is it?” I asked
“Well, I spoke to my parents and they would love for us to come spend the holidays with them! I know they will love you!” he told me with the biggest grin.
“Um, I'm not sure how that's possible…” I started grasping for an explanation for why I don’t think we could leave this place but he cut me short.
“You don’t want to meet my family?” he was getting obviously agitated, “I am beginning to feel like you're ashamed of me or hiding something from me. Don’t you feel the same way about me as I do about you? Is it too much to ask for me to want to introduce the woman I love to my family?”
“That isn’t it, you don’t understand,” I tried to explain; “It is complicated. I am only trying to protect us.”
At this point he was getting really upset and he started to sort of glow and pulse. I was getting really scared. The walls were shaking, things were falling from the shelves and the room began to feel like it was spinning. Suddenly the painting fell from the easel and landed hard on the ground with a loud thud.

This is when I woke up, came to my computer and typed it all out before I forgot it.

A Thousand Kisses Deep

I was working up a rock version of this song last night. I love this song! I think the lyrics are perfect, the chord progression is a piece of cake.
I must have played it a hundred times trying to get my version just right. I came to work today and the original came on my i-tunes. Having heard my sped up version so many times last night, my first thought was "This is how my version would sound played at the wrong speed on a record player!"

I'll never do it justice, but it sure is fun to play for my cats and my kid! :-)


A Thousand Kisses Deep
-Leonard Cohen

The ponies run, the girls are young,
The odds are there to beat.
You win a while, and then it’s done
Your little winning streak.
And summoned now to deal
With your invincible defeat,
You live your life as if it’s real,
A thousand kisses deep.

I’m turning tricks, I’m getting fixed,
I’m back on boogie street.
You lose your grip, and then you slip
Into the masterpiece.
And maybe I had miles to drive,
And promises to keep:
You ditch it all to stay alive,
A thousand kisses deep.

And sometimes when the night is slow,
The wretched and the meek,
We gather up our hearts and go,
A thousand kisses deep.

Confined to sex, we pressed against
The limits of the sea:
I saw there were no oceans left
For scavengers like me.
I made it to the forward deck.
I blessed our remnant fleet
And then consented to be wrecked,
A thousand kisses deep.

I’m turning tricks, I’m getting fixed,
I’m back on boogie street.
I guess they won’t exchange the gifts
That you were meant to keep.
And quiet is the thought of you,
The file on you complete,
Except what we forgot to do,
A thousand kisses deep.

And sometimes when the night is slow,
The wretched and the meek,
We gather up our hearts and go,
A thousand kisses deep.

The ponies run, the girls are young,
The odds are there to beat . . .

All Hail Zinzannia (The grown up Chuck E Cheese)

Licia and I went to Teatro Zinzanni last night. For those of you not in the know you can check out their website here.

The food was delicious and the show was pretty cool. It did have a bit of a cheese factor since it was dinner theatre after all, everything was over the top. If I had one major critique it would be the fact that they took standards and added the word Zinzannia as many times as possible. It totally gave me the feeling I get when I go to Chuck E Cheese. All of the over the top characters singing standards replacing the words with ones that are Chuck related. Yup. That was a tad annoying. If they were to actually just perform the standards I think it would class it up about 110%
And the story was a little weak. They introduced this "all important" piece of ice that seems like it is going to go somewhere, and then they never mention it again. What is up with that? For $125 a ticket, one might expect a cohesive story line. (Our tix were comped through work)

This is one of those audience participation type affairs, and one of the first people to be pulled out on the floor was Licia! The creepy mime that dressed like Dracula decided to give her a little slow dance/feel up session. She kept saying, "I don't want to dance with the creepy guy." and as if on cue, he popped up and took her hand. We had to wonder if the tables had hidden microphones after that.
When Licia was returned with a flower in her cleavage she told stories of his vibrating pants and how he kept pressing it on her. I decided I would get him if he tried that with me.

At the next break the cute, bald clown came and asked me for a slow dance. We were dancing when the Dracula mime cut in. The clown moved on to Licia.

Dracula decided to blindfold me with a red satin blindfold. Once it was secure he was dancing me around. He then pressed his vibrating pants up against me, but having been warned I did not act surprised, instead I leaned in and whispered to him, "I think you are getting a call."

So Dracula spins my blindfolded self around and then the blindfold comes off. I find myself face to face with a super sexy acrobat guy. Licia and I noticed him earlier on, he is foxy! (Sadly the only photos I can find of him he is wearing make up. He wasn't last eve and he was a cutie pie!)
He asked,"Are you surprised?" in his adorable Russian accent
"Um yes!"

The actual performers were really talented. The opera singer brought down the house, the acrobats were pro, and the funny men were pretty funny (especially the Chef). I just wasn't the biggest fan of the actual script. I liked the improved stuff the best. I guess the script really isn't the point, and I should not have been looking for a story. (But I am always looking for a story)

Random doesn't even begin to describe it.

I was watching a cooking show today. They were featuring carrots and how good they are for your eyes. The guy on TV said that once upon a time they used to feed military pilots so many carrots, in hopes of improving their night vision, that the pilots would turn orange!

Now all I can think about is eating a lot of carrots to see what would happen.

UPDATE:
Oh my gosh, someone DID try this! She was kind enough to blog it as well. Carrot Experiment!

Maybe it isn't that I'm afraid of failure, maybe I'm afraid of success?

*List of 10 projects/classes I have started over the last few years and not finished:

1- Making art envelopes out of cool black and white photos. They were really neat, but people don't send letters anymore so I dropped it.

2- Making mosaic boxes with broken CDs. Again they were cool, but the grout was hard on the CD surfaces so it was a pain not to scratch them all up.

3- Painting- So many unfinished sketches, half finished projects, ideas on scratch paper in my purse and hanging on my fridge.

4- Children's book. Wrote a great story, laid it out, never finished the artwork.

5- Fire spinning classes. I had big ideas until I realized that at some point I would have to actually light the wicks I was spinning around.

6- A collection of short stories. I was on a roll with this one for a while, but then I got distracted.

7- Knitting and selling scarves. I made and sold a bunch of scarves. Got to the point where I could make them in my sleep. Quit after the first mail order person "lost it in the mail" and I had to give them a refund. (Basically someone got a free scarf, one of my best actually. I lost faith in people.)

8- Making baby clothes. I made some really cute stuff, but lost interest when I got too busy being a mom.

9- Collage project. I have been collecting clipping for this thing for nearly 5 years and still have not started it yet.

10- That f*ing novel that has been "this close" to being finished for almost 4 years now. I know how it ends. All of the words are in my head. I don't know why I can't get myself to sit down and finish it. It is seriously only a few chapters away from the end. I think it is good, people who have read it have told me it is great, but I think I am afraid if I finish it, and it turns out that it really isn't good it will break me.


*This list doesn't even touch on the photo, film and music projects that I just recently started.

Be careful his bowtie is really a camera!

This weekend I am going to do the following:
1- Bake brownies. There is nothing more exciting than perfect gooey brownies straight from the oven. (I'm not even kidding here.) I have been thinking about them for three days, so I'm going to do it!

2- Do laundry. Yes, it is that time again. I wish I was rich and could just buy new clothes instead of having to wash the old ones. Laundry is so not fun when you live in an apartment. It's much cooler when you live in a house and don't have to go to a creepy spider infested laundry room that could second as a horror movie set. (I hate spiders!)

3- Play some tennis. It's been perfect weather for it. I am hoping to get Darian out on the court with me, she needs some other form of exercise that is outdoors and is not Dance Dance Revolution. (I also need a LOT of practice!)

4- Play a little Dance Dance Revolution. (No one can resist the booty shaking beats of Techno Beethoven!)

5- Edit some of my mini movie footage and get more stuff uploaded to my YouTube. Now that I know how to work my editor, I am really psyched to get all of the stuff I have been recording since New Years up. It is mostly live music, but I have some pretty great bar chat footage. I want to make a mini series out of it.

6- See a movie. Don't know which one yet, but I will go see a movie this weekend.

I think that is about it. No plans to go to any rock shows or bars this weekend. I'm burned out on them right now. I have been way more into mellow and close to home as of late.
Going out drinking = empty calories, empty wallets and empty souls... I'm over it. (this week)

I made a movie!

OK, I put a camera down and hit record and then added a title later, but still...

At least I know how to work the video feature of my camera now. I have been recording a lot of footage and I'm really looking forward to putting it all together. Expect MUCH more soon.

For now: Jon live on KEXP

Sing me to sleep...

So as of about 9:30 this morning Gala kitty is no longer with us. She went very peacefully at the veterinary office with Jon and I by her side. She was such a sweet little kitty who lived 18 wonderful years. We will miss her so much.
When we got her carrier out this morning to bring her in, all of the other kittys gathered around as if to say goodbye. It was heart-wrenching. I wish there was more we could do, but she lived a long and happy life. It was her time.

Hero Worship

When girls are growing up and searching for their identity, their own personal sense of style, they usually have heros, or style icons that they look up to.

I was discussing this concept with my daughter recently and she was sharing hers with me.

I decided just for the sake of doing it, I would post mine here.
These ladies were the ladies that I wanted to be, look like, dress like and so on before I was even old enough to apply lipstick. (and a few just after)

Today is gonna be the day...

Well today is the day! Today is Tuesday May 2nd. The first Tuesday I have been happy about in a very long time. Do you know why? It is because today is the day that Jon's new record will be in stores! Hooray for you Jon!

In other news, it is beautiful outdoors right now. The sun is beaming, birds are tweeting and all of that. It is making me want to sip tea and doodle and not work, but work must happen...

Enjoy your day, kiss someone who gives you crazy tummy butterflies and go buy Songs From the Year of Our Demise if you have not already! That is an order!

Please direct your attention to:

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

I love it and may send a card in someday (Maybe I already have?)
The only downside is that when they update on Sunday they don't archive the past post cards.

Dear Kitty-

I wish you could tell me what you want. I am trying really hard to hear your silent words. Someone once told me that cats have telepathy, if that is true I need you to shout because I seem to be on the wrong frequency.
Every night since I found out you were dying you have slept next to me purring so loud that my pillow vibrates. You are shrinking smaller every day.
Who are we to decide when you are ready? It isn't right. Life should not be that way.
Please find a way to let me know when the time is right to let you go.

You and I have memories, longer than the road that stretches out ahead...

I have to break it down in parts or else I will never get it right.

Part 1:
Mira came to visit from London by way of LA. She is awesome and fit right in like a long lost sister. I have no idea what we will do without her now that she is gone. We had an amazing time wandering around Seattle, shopping, sleeping in bunk beds, recording background lalalala’s on radio station IDs, and going to rock shows. What a good time. I look forward to going to London someday and having Mira show me her city.

Part 2:
Jon had his record release party and it was truly amazing. He seemed really pleased with how it went. I took loads of photos and video. At some point I will get this video thing to work for me and will be able to post them.

Part 3:
There was an underlying sadness during the week, but I had to keep it to myself until the timing was right. I spoke to the vet early in the morning on Thursday. He told me that our beloved Gala kitty has Cancer and there is nothing they can do for her. They told me that we can just keep her comfortable and give her TLC until we think the time is right to do the humane thing and put her to sleep.
Of course this news came on the morning of Jon’s release show and radio show and so on so I knew I could not tell him. I made the vet promise not to talk to him until I could later that night. I wanted his day to be happy and perfect since he had worked so long for this, and it was. I managed to keep it together and hold off telling him until after the day was over and we were back at home.
We are all very sad about the news. Right now she is in good spirits and we're taking good care of her. We know what we have to do, but it isn’t easy. We're just praying that she stays with us for a long time, but we know that she is on borrowed time. When it seems like she is hurting, we will do right by her.
It's hard knowing what is coming. She spent the last two nights sleeping on my pillow next to my head and purring, for someone so small and sick, she seems so happy right now. Life can be so cruel.

Part 4:
I rented a car and drove with Holly and Jeannine to Portland last night to surprise Jon while he was playing his show. The look on his face when we walked in was worth every minute of the 6 hours of driving I did yesterday!

Today has been a day full of dilemmas and heartbreaks.

They started in the early AM which was technically today, but still the day before in our minds.
This morning I woke up too early and had to bring our very old Gala kitty to the vet. She is sick. Jon had to leave because he was playing a show in Boise so it was up to me.
I sat in the emergency vet’s office from 11:30AM until almost 6PM. It was packed and reeked of sickness. The small animals were afraid, peering with wide eyes from their little plastic cages. The large dogs were whining in protest and trying to pull off of their leashes. My kitty was curled in the bottom of her box looking so small and sad, too tired and weak to howl.
We were the second to last people to be seen. The doctor said she had an infected tooth; she needs to have surgery to have it pulled. The smell means it could be something worse, but it just might be infection.
She had to stay at the office to be put on antibiotics and IV bags. They will do biopsies on it to make sure she doesn’t have cancer. The vet explained that she seemed healthy and he thought she had a fighting chance, but I needed to understand that she has already lived way past her life expectancy. It was like hearing that one of our children might die.
It killed me a little when I saw her face as he carried her away and knew I had to leave her there for the next three days.

I spy with my little eye...

I don't know which surprised me more on my walk home from work today.

Was it the car covered in ham slices?



Or was it the naked yellow lego man trying to escape?

Look! Jon is waving at me from Alaska!

It's my Blog and I can cry if I want to...

Today was such a long day.

I fell just shy of my call count so I had to make 50 cold calls today and log them. I missed the gym and skipped lunch to get it done.

Jon is back in my hometown playing a rock show for a lot of my ex-classmates that I have not seen in over ten years. That is odd.

Oh and did I mention that the paper I work for printed the first local review of Jon’s new record today? (edited out the rant for obv reasons)

Well listen up:
Take That!
and
Take THAT!

(end rant)

I feel better now

While You Are Gone...

When Jon goes out of town I like to make mixed CD's for him to take on the trip. Today he is heading to my home town in Alaska to play a Posies show. Here is the mix he received for the occasion.

MY LITTLE TOWN - THE (very) ALASKA MIX - 4/19/06

My Little Town- Simon & Garfunkel
Styrofoam Plates- Death Cab For Cutie
We Both Go Down Together- The Decemberists
You Are What You Love- Jenny Lewis With The Watson Twins
Waltz #2 (Xo)- Elliott Smith
Just Like Heaven (Acoustic Version)- The Cure
Guess It May- Rosie Thomas
Tart- Elvis Costello
Imagined Life- Lou Barlow
Manchild- Eels
Prove My Love- Violent Femmes
Deeper Than Beauty- Sloan
Blasphemous Rumours- Depeche Mode(LIVE)
Hello, Goodbye- The Beatles
Wonderwall- Oasis
Always See Your Face- Love
Sick Of Myself- Matthew Sweet
With A Little Help Of My Friends- The Beatles
While You Are Gone -Sarah Vaughan

I wish I had a river I could skate away on...

I had a nice day at home in my PJs.
I should not be at home right now.
I should be watching The Posies rocking out on the other side of town right now, but I could not bring myself to leave the house. The thought of getting dressed up, putting on make-up, doing my hair and having conversations with people sounded like far too much for me to handle right now. Instead I am at home watching bad TV, some OK TV, and a few great DVDs.

Happy Easter blogland

Gee, your hair smells terrific!

I just wanted to say I am in LOVE with my new shampoo! My hair is so soft and smells so yummy it makes me hungry!







Oh and The Posies are playing this Sunday so if you live in Seattle you should go:

Sunday 04/16
The Premier - 1700 First Ave S
6pm -- $20 adv/$24 at door
The Posies
Jaded 52
Ms. Led
The Lonely H

115th Dream

I had a freaky dream last eve. I won't go into all of it but here are some highlights:

I was going to a couple's house for dinner. (No one I know in real life, just made up people) I show up covered in what appears to be marker marks all over my clothes and skin.
He asks, "What happened?"
I say, "I got into a fight and that Bitch came at me with permanant markers!"
He said, "Wow! Bitch fight." (Yes he actually used that phrase)
His girlfriend told me I could borrow some of her clothes and told him to help me find something.
She had her back to us because she was doing the dishes in fast forward. There was really strange swirly red lighting and huge fluffy bubbles flying all around her. Her hands were moving so fast they were a blur.
We were in their room with the door open facing her back. The room was beige. Her back was perfectly framed in the door.
I started to change into her clothes with him standing there watching.
My skin was even covered in marker marks under all of the layers of clothes.
She never turned around.

Then I woke up.

Betcha my therapist would have fun with this one! :-)

Spring washes away everything...

I took a little Sunday stroll down East Republican Street. I made a photo diary of the stroll. I wanted to show how quiet the street is, and how pretty everything is now. It is shocking to think something so horrible happened there so recently.
GO HERE.

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...

I sit here with my charcoal pencil trying to put on paper what is in my head. Trying to convey some kind of message without using words because words fail me at times like this.
"There she goes, being all dramatic again." I know, it is part of my genetic make up or something. Everything has to be felt in such a big way. Everything has to be overthought and overwrought. My email inbox told me "Victory is admirable; self-aggrandizement is not." How true.

I need a little forward momentum right now. I am far too comfortable. I get really afraid of comfortable. I feel like if there is no forward momentum, no change on the horizon, there is only one thing left to be right around the corner and it isn't something I am cool with. Comfortable=Death.

I want to move to another city and figure it out. I wish my little family were a little more portable. I can't imagine there is a lot more to learn in/about Seattle. I have been here long enough. I know most everyone I am going to want to know. I know who I won't/shouldn't get to know better. I can't leave the house without running into the past. Not that I am running away from it, I just wish things were not so predictable.
If Jon came to me tomorrow and said "I want to move (insert anywhere but Seattle here)" I would say yes in a heartbeat. But it will never happen.
We are so different that way. He likes being settled in one place, having a place to go home to that he has known for a long time. But then again, he has gone around the world more times than most people ever get to. I also have to consider things like my daughter and the fact she is in school, forming school bonds, learning life lessons and all of the rights of passage that come with youth. Who am I to try and rob her of that. I would never do that to her.

I'm not looking for drama, or "feel betters" or apologies. God no. I would rather never leave the house again.

It is more/all about looking for that feeling of intensity and fulfillment that I think we are all endlessly searching for. Finding/defining your passion. Jon gets it out of music. I have friends who get it out of the first blush of excitement that comes with new lovers. My daughter gets it from creating art. I get/got it from all of the above and then some and not some.

sigh.

(I think I might need to cut back on the old coffee a little.)

You never liked to get the letters that I sent...

Last night when I was on my way to a rock show I saw an interesting bit of graffiti scrawled across the back end of a car.
It read: Don't die wondering "what if?"

Illusion of beauty

She sits at the bar wetting her lips
The thoughts of the hour took a lifetime to live.
Thirty some years and nothing has changed.

The same insecure child with her last husband’s name
A wedding and a baby some time ago.
She can almost remember what it’s like to be loved.

She spent her money and now her money’s all gone,
her body till broke busted, bankrupt, used up
a whore.

She has a list a mile long
of who's to blame for her woes
and the cure to what ails her,
she swallows down hard only to live in the illusion of beauty again.


Lyrics By- Michelle Price off of Songs about Songs 1998
Wanna Hear it? Go here.

Songs from the Year of Our Demise.

Jon Auer's record release show is April 27th in Seattle, WA at The Sunset Tavern, and there will be a show the next day in Portland, OR at Towne Lounge.

Back in my little town...

Darian and I were going through my old yearbooks mostly so we could make fun of all of the wall of hair people in the late 80's/early 90's. There were plenty of girls with The Claw on the top of their heads and spiral perms. (It was a sad time for hair.)

We were flipping through all of the senior pages. They were filled with people making quotes such as "Carpe Diem" and "Party on dudes!" and whatever other typical quote you might expect. Everyone had either a half page or a full page filled with nicely typed out poems and baby photos juxtapose to senior photos.

Then we got to my page. (I will scan it in at some point if I get around to it)
I took my half page and turned it into a collage of photos and drawings and doodles. It is pretty hard to miss as it is the only one like it.

My senior quote, which means something entirely different to me now than it did then:

“It is folly to expect men to do all that they may reasonably be expected to do”
-Richard Whately

Give me my magic beans.

Memory triggers. I have so many of them.
Certain actions, flavors or scents remind me so vividly of people or things sometimes. Today the trigger is coffee.

I have been having a love affair with coffee since I was 15 when my first boyfriend took me to my first cafe'. It was this little cafe' in the middle of Nordstom in downtown Anchorage. (I know, by Seattle standards this hardly counts as a cafe' but this was Alaska in 1989. It was a cafe'. ) I loved that place and I was so crazy about the boy.

Coffee or tea was $0.25. You dropped a quarter in a little cup and helped yourself. All of the "alternative" kids would congregate there after school or when they were skipping school. There was always someone writing or drawing in a journal. There was always political commentary about what was happening in the world, where the next protest would be, the next dance and so on... It was a safe haven for all of the misunderstood kids, the misfits if you will.
For some of them it was the only place they would feel accepted all week, a place to detox from the bullies at school. For a long time it was a secret, almost magical, home away from home "where everybody knew your name". The irony that the cafe' was set up smack in the center of a store known for propagating conformity was not lost on any of us.
Eventually security started to run us out of the cafe'. They didn't like the look of all the strange hair colors and white makeup and lipstick on boys I guess. They said it was not the sort of clientele they were looking for.

The boy is no longer alive, but I still think of him and that magical time sometimes when I am having my morning coffee.
I have to wonder what he would be doing right now if he were alive. What would he think about what I am doing with my life? Would he be married? Would he have kids? Would we still be friends?

If he had not died would I still think of him while sipping my morning coffee?


Goodbye my friends.
I hope I get the chance
to know you again,
someday.

But not too soon
because I've got a lot to do
to make up for all of your
lost time.

Did it hurt when you finally let go?
Or was it in the blink of an eye?

Well, I need to know
so I won't afraid when my time comes to
be with you again.

I miss you.

-JD's Song DJL

After turning on the news & seeing nothing but pain for the last 72 hrs...

This was just the shot in the heart I needed.

We’re all equal in the face of what we’re most afraid of...

On Saturday morning something jerked me out of sleep at a few minutes before 7AM. I didn't think anything of it then.
Around 10AM I got the first call.
Did you hear anything?
Do you know anything?
Was it close to you?

I went up the street a few blocks and confirmed there was major police activity happening up the road.
My relatives had been calling all day, I guess that happens when your neighborhood and street make national news.
A lot of my relatives have not seen me since I was a teenager so in their minds I am still the little goth/punk girl who would have been at one of those parties.
The truth? The latest confirmed victim was only 3 years older than my own daughter. I'm looking at this heartbreaking tragedy not only through the eyes of someone who would have easily been at one of these parties ten years ago and know what types of bonds these kids have, but mostly through the eyes of a mother who can't understand what would make someone do something like this. I can't even begin to fathom what the parents of these kids must be thinking. I try to put myself in their place in my head and I just cry, want to be sick, and want to put my daughter under lock down indefinitely. I know that is impractical, but nothing about the events of this weekend were practical or logical. I don't think there is anything that could've been done to prevent it either. I don't blame the rave. I hope it helps with stricter gun control laws, but who knows if even that would make a difference?
I question the age of some of the kids who were at a party at 7AM, but then I remember when I was 15 and how I would tell my parents I was going one place and I would really end up staying at places very similar to the house where this particular party took place.
With each generation our young people get older, are faced with bigger problems, more temptations and more pressures. I doubt many of the parents of kids who were at the party really knew that their kids were there. They probably thought they were staying the night at friend's houses.
It is a part of youth, a right of passage if you will, to sneak out and get into a little trouble. To stretch your wings and try things out for yourself. Most of the time the kids don't find themselves in potential war zones or in the center of history making violence.
This is the kind of thing that parent's nightmares are made up of. This is the kind of thing that will haunt me forever. I will think of it every time my daughter leaves the house for her remaining teenage years. The same way I remember that little 11 year old girl snatched outside of the car wash walking home in broad daylight and later found dead, when my daughter begs to walk to the store on her own. Or Adam Walsh who's story has haunted me since I was younger than he was when he disappeared and who I think of every time my daughter tries to leave my sight in a grocery store even now. Or how I think of the children of Columbine every time I send my baby to school.
The ghosts of these kids will pepper every decision I make from now on whether it is conscious or not. I will think of them in 6 years when my daughter asks to go to a dance or a party on her own. I will think of them when I am considering letting her have her own car and the freedom that goes with it.
My heart goes out to their mothers.


"When the moment strikes
it takes you by surprise and
leaves you naked in the face of death and life
there is no righteousness in your darkest moment
We’re all equal in the face of what we’re most afraid of
And I’m so sorry
for those who didn’t make it
and for the mommies who are left with their heart breaking
Search for meaning in sores
The sentences they might form
It’s the grammar of skin
Peel it back, let me in
Look for hope in the dark
The shadow cast by your heart
It’s the grammar of faith
No more rules, no restraint"
-Sleater-Kinney

Wow! There are not words....

I woke up to find this information in the news this morning. So far from what friends have told me this happned about 6 blocks up the street from me. God I hope I don't know any of these people. My heart goes out to their families.

From Seattle PI:
Saturday, March 25, 2006 · Last updated 10:07 a.m. PT
Seven people dead in Seattle shooting
By JACKSON HOLTZ
ASSOCIATED PRESS WRITER

SEATTLE -- Six young people were shot death early Saturday in a home and the alleged gunman committed suicide when confronted by police outside, authorities said.

Three other victims were taken from the Capitol Hill neighborhood east of downtown to a Seattle hospital for treatment, said police spokesman Rich Pruitt. Two of the three injured have critical injuries, he said.

"It's one of the largest crime scenes the city has ever had," said Seattle Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske.

He said an officer in the neighborhood heard shots fired at just after 7 a.m. When Officer Steve Leonard arrived on the scene he found one person staggering out of the house with a gunshot wound.

The officer confronted another man with a shot gun, told him several times to put the weapon down, and then the man turned the shotgun on himself and fired a fatal shot, Kerlikowske said.

Police believe the shooting happened at a party in a rental home and the dead are all in their early 20s. They do not believe the gunman lives in the area.
Saturday, March 25, 2006 · Last updated 10:07 a.m. PT

a pillowman in garden state

Pillowman was by far the best play I have seen in Seattle. It was dark, creepy and the writing was stellar! I was so caught up in it I almost forgot I was watching a play. I think I might go see it one more time while it is in Seattle. I am encouraging all of my friends to go see it so I can talk to them about it. I won't go into too much detail because I don't want to ruin it for anyone.

In other news my gerbils have created their own little clan and soon will take over the apartment. We have four babies that have been old enough to give away for about a week now, but I'm having a hard time letting them go. Now we also have three more little pink babies that were born five days ago.
And yes, the movie Garden State has been mentioned more than several times to me thankyouverymuch.

Oh and another new song to record this weekend, here are the lyrics:

I want to write a book about you
and all of the things you did to make me angry
or crazy
or to hurt me

Then I want to turn it on its side and look at it from a different perspective
a new point of view
over you

I want to tell you that I know
all about it
what you said to her
how you called her out.
When you didn't think I was looking.
I'm always listening
and your whispers are more like shouting
when I'm standing too close not to hear.

I want to take a picture of the moment they come
to take you away,
the look on your face.
The shock of leaving this place
still lingering there.
Hanging like that faded old Poloroid
in the broken frame
that didn't quite fit.

You would think we would've taken the hint.
It's just like us
always the wrong size.

You are the party that makes me feel my age

Tonight I am going to see Pillowman. I'm super excited as it has been getting pretty awesome previews.
It's opening night so that makes it extra fun. There's always a certain underlying vibe of pure excited energy at the opening night of any production.
I love getting all dressed in the perfect little black cocktail dress, doing my hair in a knot and wearing pearls to the theatre. It reminds me of playing dress up when I was a little girl. I think playing dress up is the closest I will ever get to really being a "grown up" and that is just fine by me.

Astrology calls me a Lion born in the Year of the Tiger.

Maybe that would mean something if I believed in astrology.

Have you ever pet a cat and it was all happy and purring and then for no other reason than to just do it, you start to pet the cat backwards and it's mood changes damn near instantly?
If you know what I am talking about, you have a pretty good idea of what kind of mood I am in right now.
I am the cat that has been pet backwards.

I feel like being petulant. I think "Because I said so! Neener, nanner, nooner!" should be a perfectly acceptable answer to people when they ask me stupid questions today.

It is Tuesday. Let the games begin.


a little lost DJL action:
It's hard to look up
when you live on the down side most of the time
and timing is never right when you look for what's wrong
with everything
my hands are not clean
but yours never were either
you've always been better at hiding those kinds of things
than me
and my dirty hands

It's Buzzcity Talking

Things that are better than talking:

Slow dancing. I am a true believer in slow dancing. Always have been. Especially the impromptu kind where the music is in your heart and head.

Kissing. A much better use for mouths, always.

Writing. It is like talking but you get the opportunity to think before you express yourself and avoid saying stupid things that you will later regret.

Hugging. Like an abbreviated slow dance and can be more intimate than a kiss depending on how it is done.

Singing/Poetry. Write a song that says everything you ever wanted to say but never could. One of the few genres where you can tell all of your secrets to the whole world and people will just assume they are pretty lies in the name of art.

Make a mix tape. Every song tells a story.

Movies. We are raising a world full of voyeurs. Sometimes it is easier to watch life than it is to participate.

Making lists. Best way to organize thoughts and quiet the static.

Daydreaming. My favorite escape.

Hard to Hold

So it is almost 5AM and I am still awake. I had a wonderful day hanging out with Nenu. We went shopping for shoes, I came home with everything but shoes. I don't know who is hiding all of the cute shoes in Seattle, but they are doing a good job of keeping them hidden. Everything was either far too ugly or they looked like some sort of strange torture device. No thanks.

Later I came home and invited Jon to come out and have a drink with Nenu and I since they have not spent a proper amount of time together ever really. She and I spend a lot of time together when he is out of town and his trips home have not exceeded 3 weeks since last July so when he is home I usually just hang out with him. Since he is actually going to be home a little longer than 3 weeks this time I thought maybe we should all go out together. Well, that did not go so well.
We ended up stopping at a new place on the hill long enough to get one drink and he wanted to go meet with his bandmates. We dropped him off and headed up the hill. Nenu and I hung out and chatted at our place and played on the computer until Jon came home around 1AM and she headed home.
Seems Jon had a pretty good time out as he looked really tipsy.
The night took a really strange turn which led to some really silly bickering. In the midst of it all I was getting ready for bed and took my drugs that I take before bed to fix the fact that I'm insulin resistant.
The moment I swallowed them I remembered something that I didn't before I swallowed them because I was too distracted by the inane bickering. I ALREADY TOOK THEM AN HOUR BEFORE! Shit.
So now my blood sugar is all crazy, which is making me feel just oogy. It isn't dangerous unless I do it all of the time, but it sucks for many reasons. One being the fact that I have chills and I feel like I'm freezing. I'm thirsty but I can't get enough water to drink and I'm amped in a way that I feel like I drank a pot of coffee and I can't sleep. Sucks.

I am sitting here watching a really epic commercial hosted by Rick Springfield (My big 4th grade crush) for a collection called Songs of the 80's. I feel like I am reliving my childhood in sound bites.

I'm sure when I finally crash tomorrow I am going to feel like uber crap. I am also sure that there is no way Jon will be in any shape to go into the studio which is a major bummer because I have been looking forward to it all week. Part of me is hoping that he will shake it off and somehow still be ready to record in a few hours. I have a feeling I will still be awake.

Built to Spill

I just got an email where someone said they liked the name of my blog. They told me it would make a good lyric. My answer was "It is a great lyric from one of my favorite bands"
I guess I just assumed everyone knew that.

Anyhow, here are the words to the song that my blog is named after:

Car (From the record There's Nothing Wrong With Love)-

You get the car
I'll get the night off
You'll get the chance to take the world apart and figure out how it works
Don't let me know what you find out
I need a car
You need a guide
Who needs a map
If I don't die or worse I'm gonna need a nap
At best I'll be asleep when you get back
I wanna see it when you find out what comets, stars, and moons are all about
I wanna see their faces turn to backs of heads and slowly get smaller
I wanna see it now

I want specifics on the general idea
I wanna think what I should know
Want you to do me what to show
I wanna see movies of my dreams
I wanna see movies of my dreams
I wanna see movies of my dreams
I wanna see movies of my dreams
I wanna see it when you get stoned on a cloudy breezy desert afternoon
I wanna see it untame itself and break its owner
I wanna see it now
I wanna see it now

Things I learned from watching late night television:

Mccauley Culkin calls his penis Floyd.
I have a huge crush on Conan O'Brien. (He is really tall and really funny what more could a girl ask for?)
It only costs $240 to help a child with a cleft pallet.
They rerun all of the best old movies and television shows around 3AM.
There are certain channels that must be avoided at all costs after a certain hour. I saw something on my screen that I could have gone my whole life without seeing. Now it's burned in my brain. Eww. I didn't know public access went so *blue* after hours.
Actors in infomercials have dead eyes and big smiles.
and
No matter what channel you fall asleep watching, you will inevitably wake up with some crazy religious programming screaming at you giving you apocalyptic nightmares.

I don't want to change the world, I'm not looking for a new England

Last night I had another band practice with Nenu. We have started discussing band names.
If you have any ideas send them my way please... I have a few ideas, but nothing solid yet. Things that sounded good after a few drinks don't sound so pretty this morning.

I’m going back in the studio this weekend to work on more songs and fix the one that I started last weekend. Hopefully I’ll have something ready for public consumption by Sunday night. I would love to not go to work for the next week and lock myself down at the studio until I came out with a finished product. It is where my head is anyhow. I am completely consumed by it.

Beware of the Ides of March

I just realized what today is. It is the anniversary of the day I almost got married to someone I didn't love.
I came to my senses and backed out at the last minute. People had taken time off work, tickets were booked, dresses had been purchased, ceremonies written, invitations in the process of being printed and then I had a moment of clarity. (The moment of clarity happened in a closet at a party of all places.) I went home and ended it the next day.
Had I gone through with it I would have left him and been divorced before our first anniversary. I know myself well enough to know this much.

The funniest things almost happen when we choose to sleepwalk through life...

Sometimes I almost feel just like a human being…

I have been writing a lot of really strange emails this morning. Not strange as in creepy, but strange as in a lot of heavy thought involved before my first cup of coffee. It is welcome, gets the sludgy grey matter moving upstairs.

Jon and I have had a few nights of what I like to call the “insomniacs revolving door”. We sleep in shifts. I will fall asleep sort of early and wake up sometime in the middle of the night. He will be in the living room passed out with some DVD intro stuck on repeat. I will go to turn it off which will wake him up. He will go to bed but then I am awake. So then I am out watching late night television until the sun comes up. We can go around and around like this for days. It puts a new spin on ‘two ships passing in the night’ for me. It is nice to share sleeping issues with someone though. In the past my lack of being able to sleep through the night was a major point of contention for other people who have tried to cohabitate with me.

Last night I caught what I like to refer to as a cry-o-mercial. It was for Operation Smile. It is the one where they find these broken babies and they put them back together. My heart goes out to them. Every time I see it I just want to get on a plane and hug them all.

I’m bummed that I didn’t go into medicine. Why did I go to art school? I know; I was following the dream. (More like I was doing what came easiest.) I started school when my daughter was two. As a single mom I knew I had to take it easy because I didn’t have much time for studies between going to school full time, working part time and being in a band. So I went to art school. It was fun, but probably not the best choice in the long run.

My step-dad went to medical school when he was older. I try to keep that in mind. I told Darian that maybe we can go to college together. She seems to think that is a good idea (for now).

Giving you good reviews in modern press...

OK, so I just got the best review ever from the lovely *Mira who was persistent and made me tell her where my secret song is hiding. After what she wrote back I feel I can retire from music as I could never again hope to ever have anyone give me a better review. I don't totally believe her, but I sure love her for saying it. I seriously owe this girl a big kiss when she gets to the states!

(*I hope she doesn't kill me for re-posting her email here, but I have to so the next time I am feeling all down I will know where to find it.)

M:
Wow, I'm all tingly in the back of my neck from your
sweet voice. That is a beautiful song and your voice
sounds like an orchid, delicate and vulnerable... I
love it, love it, love it! You are absolutely crazy to
think that this is a "really rough" demo.

The chorus is perfect and the melody just dances
so lightly down those notes. I know a little of the
story so the lyrics really resonate.

Wow, what a wonderful feeling :)

Good work Red! Encore, encore!!!

Pictures of You...

I was up late last night going through old photo albums. I have one for each year and each phase of my life. This last year has been all recorded on digital film. At some point I will have to go into flickr and pick out the best and order enough to fill an album.
The thing that started to depress me while strolling down memory lane was the high number of friends who appear with me in those pages who are no longer alive. These are people who were my age, in my peer group. They have all been taken out by random/drunken car accidents, rare cancers, suicide and random acts of violence. If I never go to another funeral again for someone under 30 I will be happy.
There was a long time where I didn't even want to care about anyone anymore or be close to them because I didn't think I could handle saying goodbye forever to another person. I found it easier to keep people at a safe distance than it was to risk losing them.
It has been over a year since I have lost someone that I loved and I find myself in a place again where someone I know is barely clinging to life. I am hoping for the best, praying for a miracle and all of that. I have not given up hope.
I will say, if all of this death has taught me anything, it would be this:
When life hands you opportunity, don't let fear stop you. Just don't. Say what you need to say, do what makes you happy and don't put off living your life for anything or anyone ever.

Pop music of the future...

I spent my Sunday In a dark studio in the Sodo area of Seattle recording my first demo in about a billion and a half years. Things went well for the most part. We could only run through the vocals once before a loud metal band started playing next door so we were not able to fix the parts I would like to have fixed.
I've never recorded vocals with Jon before, so I was nervous. I can tell when I listen to the playback as I have a certain amount of pitchy vibrato on certain words that only comes with nerves. It is one thing singing and playing at home all day, it is another thing doing it for keeps.
He says he's looking forward to recording some more in the coming weeks. Jon thinks it's good enough to post as a rough demo on the internet for my friends to hear. I think most of my friends are such uber talented musicians that I won’t be posting any rough anythings for them to hear… I found a compromise.
The demo has been posted on the World Wide Web. Where you ask? Let’s just say that it is my secret. ;-)

new band, new songs, new words....

I am going to go into the studio with my husband today and record this new song I wrote last weekend. I am very excited and nervous all at the same time. It is the first thing I have written since Song Noir on Jon's new solo record. (I wrote the music and lyrics on the verses he finished it by adding the choruses, not to mention performing it a billion times better than I ever could have.)
The song I am recording today is one that I wrote all by myself. If you know me at all, you know that I love to write music but I am a total chicken when it comes to actually performing my own music. This year I am going to get over that. (At least that is the plan)
So here are the lyrics to the songs that I wrote last weekend and am recording today. Maybe I will post the MP3 of the song if I don't hate it (don't hold your breath)

The Eve Before my wedding day
The one that never came
The Frame for all your hopes and fears

Left Misshapen in its wake
Finding use for my heartache
In the music that we made

I’m not sorry for your pain
I won’t take the blame
I fell in love with someone new
Who wasn’t you
It was never you
It’s never you
It’s never you…

Shouldering the weight of it all
When time gives us time to think and fall
The hours stretch and drag on slowly

As my good humor fades
All the while seeing shades of hope
That in time this play will end for me

I’m not sorry for your blame
I won’t take the pain
I fell in love with someone new
Who wasn’t you
It was never you
It’s never you
It’s never you…

This is my last kiss and tell
From the years I spent in hell
Its my side
of the story of our lives…

I’m not sorry for your pain
I won’t take the blame
I fell in love with someone new
Who wasn’t you
It was never you
It’s never you
It’s not you
It’s not you…

If eyes were made for seeing, Then Beauty is its own excuse for being

I was thinking about the times in my life that I was blown away by the scenery. When there was something magical about the things my eyes were drinking in. I'm going to try and compile a list of these places.

My favorite places in the world:
1-Cathedral of Barcelona (La Seu)-
There was certainly a lot of eye candy in Barcelona, but this was one of my two favorite places in all of Spain and in all of the world (thus far). We went back to the Barcelona Cathedral two times during our short honeymoon trip because we were so impressed with it.
Not to be mistaken with the Gaudi cathedral (Which is usually the tourist's favored cathedral in Barcelona ). To me The Gaudi seemed like a monument to someone's insanity, it didn't really move me the way that the cathedral in the square did. It was cool, but doesn't make the list.
Cathedral of Barcelona brought me to tears twice. There was a children's choir singing the second time we went and I just sat quietly in one of the pews and listened to everything around me. I started to think about all of the people who have been through there. All of the people without hope, ready to give up, looking for sanctuary. You could still feel them there. I've never had such an emotional response to a place in my whole life.
It is one of those places if you have an opportunity to go to alone, sit with your thoughts and allow yourself to be open to it you might learn something about yourself. I will go back to Barcelona again if it is only to visit this place.

2- New York on the East River in the moonlight- After Big Star played a festival on Randalls Island the organizers had rented a water taxi to bring the performers back to the city. It wasn’t crowded at all and was the best way to see New York at night. We went all the way up the East River in the water taxi. The night was warm with a light sprinkle. Everyone was awestruck by the beauty of our little 20 minute voyage. You could see everything from the water. I think I saw nearly every landmark ever referenced in my favorite songs about New York in that one water taxi trip.

3- Skyline Drive in Eagle River, Alaska- This was practically my back yard growing up.
You start driving up what seems like a hill and it quickly turns into a small mountain. The road winds and winds up an up and gets smaller and smaller. Eventually you get to the end and that is where you park. It could be described as a very cliche "make out point" you might see in movies. It was so much more than that, but I'll admit that back in the day I did do some smooching up there. :-)
On a clear night the stars are so big you feel like you can touch them while the northern lights are swirling around and dancing above you. Below you, you can see pretty much all of Anchorage, Eagle River, Chugiak and Palmer... It is as quiet as they come. There is nothing up there.
If you were to ditch your car and hike on for about an hour you will run into a small group of houses. They look like they have been there since the beginning of time. If you peak through the windows you'll see nothing but an antique typewriter and things that look like time stopped during the gold rush. It is possible that it has been developed into condos since I was a kid, but in my memories, this is how it is still.

4- The Dali Museum in Figueres, Spain- A two hour train ride from Barcelona in Figueres lives the Salvador Dali museum. If you ever have the opportunity to go there you absolutely must.
I had time to read the history of Dali a bit and it was very interesting. The man was seriously obsessed with his wife Gala. In fact they put the "crazy fun" in dysfunctional relationships. It wouldn't surprise me if some day they went through that fun house of a museum and found bodies entombed in the walls. (I mean other than his of course)
It was all pretty spectacular and a tad creepy. The whole time I was in the museum I could almost see the parties they used to throw back in it's heyday. Those would have been some amazing parties, with all of the faceless gold figures staring down at you in the courtyard. This is another place that has a soul all of it's own.

5- Franklin Falls/ Denny Creek just past North Bend, WA- It is an easy hike to get to. You sort of feel like you are walking through the woods forever and not really getting anywhere but then the woods open up to these beautiful little water falls that are full of rainbows. It is a peaceful little sanctuary out in the middle of everything.
Jon loved it so much he said that when he dies that is where he wants his ashes spread. Me, I would want a little bit of me spread in all of the places on this list.
One of the coolest things about visiting the falls is on the way back home you can swing by Tweeds cafe and get some coffee and cherry pie all Twin Peaks style.

6- The Cemetery next to Volunteer Park on Capitol Hill, Seattle, WA- It is a five minute walk from my apartment. I know it sounds all Goth to want to hang out in a cemetery, but it is a really cool one.
Not only is it the final resting place of Bruce Lee and his son Brandon, but it is also full of the families that made this city. If you look closely at the oldest monuments you'll recognize many of the last names as neighborhood street names.
It's also not a very active cemetery. I think it has been full for years.
Usually if you go on a perfect blue sunny day with a picnic you can go for hours without even seeing another person. I find it to be the perfect place to go when I don't have time to get away but when I want to be alone. It is my summer sanctuary.

7- to be continued...


True beauty dwells in deep retreats, Whose veil is unremoved, Till heart with heart in concord beats, And the lover is beloved. - William Wordsworth

Parents just don't understand...

So Darian's commentary last night was the best part of the show for me. The show was in a club that is usually a bar. I have seen plenty of pretty great shows there with a drink in my hand. Last night they converted it to an all ages venue so I brought my daughter.
I thought it would be fun to bring her to a place where I go when I go out so it isn't so much a mystery to her anymore. She is also getting to an age where our interests are sort of meeting a fork in the road. I keep thinking if I bring her to different shows one of these days a style of music will really appeal to her. So far the only show that she has even seemed the least bit interested was a Japanese pop band, everything else has been met with yawns and eye rolling.
I understand she needs to rebel, it is part of youth and becoming a teenager. I just never imagined it would be music where she would. It probably is because it is one of the most important things to Jon and I.

Last night the conversation went something like this:
M- So are you having a good time?
D- Um, I guess so.
M- You know it is kind of strange for me to see you here since it is usually a bar. Jon has played here several times.
D- So this is where you guys go for fun?
M- Yes. Do you like it?
D- So, let me get this straight, your idea of a good time is standing around in a cold cement box that is packed with so many people you can't move waiting around forever for a band to start playing?
M- Well I would not put it exactly like that...
D- Yeah, when I'm an adult I think I am going to find a better use for my free time.

Sassy monkey. At least she was smiling when she said it.
What we saw of the show was really good. The ladies sounded wonderful. Darian even said she liked the music. We could not stay long, they started late and it was a school night (literally) so I had to get the girl home. When I got home Jon was there. Seems after a million flight cancelations and being stuck all over the world, he finally made it back.

such a strange girl...

So there is this girl that hates me. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. I don't hate her. I reserve that emotion for those who really deserve it. (It is the flipside to love after all)
The only thing that she and I have in common is that she dated my ex-boyfriend after I left him. I didn't care. I left him because I was not in love with him and I was getting together with someone else. I was over it, she entered that stage long after I exited it. Heck I was in a whole new theatre on the other side of the world at that point.
She did a lot of really strange "Single White Female" stalkerish stuff to me for the next year after the last time I spoke to the ex-boyfriend.
I figured that he was either still in love with me and that made her angry or else she was in love with me and that made her angry. (ha!) Either way it was irritating to say the least, but no more than a bump in the road as I could care less that some random girl hated me for no good reason. I have so many other things to worry about, I just didn't have time to acknowledge it or engage in the BS. I kept anti-harassment paperwork handy in case she got out of hand or dangerous, otherwise I mostly ignored her attempts at being noticed by me.

Well, today, after a crappy visit to the dentist, I decided I needed a little good Karma. I was walking back to the office with my ginormous umbrella. I saw a nice police man standing in the rain with no umbrella and he was walking the same way as me so I told him I would share. He thanked me and I walked with him down the street.
While we were walking and chatting I see the girl who hates me coming in our direction. It has been a few years, she has since moved on from the boy. In fact now the only thing we have in common is an ex. As she approaches us, I could see as it registered in her head who I was. I smiled and winked at her and she just squished her whole face up in what I imagine is her nastiest glare.

The police man joked "Did you kick her puppy or something?"
I said, "Honestly I have no idea who she is."
Which is for the most part true.

People are weird and fascinating but mostly just weird...

Rabbit Fur Coat

This is who I am seeing play tomorrow. The best part? It's all ages, so I am taking Darian as my date!

Words that I love:



Jenny Lewis - You Are What You Love

This is no great illusion
When I'm with you I'm looking for a ghost
Or invisible reasons
To fall out of love and run screaming from our home

Because we live in a house of mirrors
We see our fears and everything
Our songs, faces, and second hand clothes
But more and more we're suffering
Not nobody, not a thousand beers
Will keep us from feeling so all alone

But you are what you love
And not what loves you back
That's why I'm here on your doorstep
Pleading for you to take me back

The phone is a fine invention
It allows me to talk endlessly to you
About nothing disguising my intentions
Which I'm afraid, my friend, are wildly untrue

It's a sleight of hand, a white soul band
The heart attacks I'm convinced I have
Every morning upon waking
To you I'm a symbol or a monument
Your rite of passage to fufillment
But I'm not yours for the taking

But you are what you love
And not what loves you back
So I guess that's why you keep calling me back

I'm fraudulent, a thief at best
A coward who paints a bullshit canvas
Things that will never happen to me
But at arms length, it's Tim who said
I'm good at it, I've mastered it
Avoiding, avoiding everything

But you are what you love, Tim
And not what loves you back
And I'm in love with illusions
So saw me in half
I'm in love with tricks
So pull another rabbit out of your hat