To boldly go...

Shatner playing drums!,
originally uploaded by lilblackcat.

Yes, that is Bill Shatner rockin' the drums! That guy can do anything!

Grey's Anatomy

It is rare that any TV drama will actually bring me to tears. If I am watching the news about orphans in other countries or those Operation Smile things, or Animal Rescue, sure. That real life stuff that has to do with children or animals will get me every time, but not regular programming.
Last night I was watching my new favorite Sunday night guilty pleasure Grey's Anatomy.
I think growing up in a house with a nurse and spending a lot of time in hospitals when I was brought to work has made me partial to medical shows. It started with St Elsewhere and then it moved on to ER. I love any and all of the reality operation shows as well. I have even been know to watch the live surgery on the UW channel (Which will forever gross out my child and my husband.) I just love hospitals and shows about hospitals. People are always nice in hospitals. Sick people are oddly peaceful. People both come into the world and leave the world there on a regular basis. I find myself drawn to it.
Well, last night G.A. had this old lady on hospice who was slowly dying with her friends and loved ones around her. Something in how they shot the scene reminded me of sitting bedside watching my Granparents pass away. By the time the credits rolled I was having quite the cry. It was so hard to watch! (Much in the same way I can't listen to Harvey Danger do Jack The Lion. It breaks my heart! It doesn't help that my Grandfather's name was Jack either.)

I really like Grey's Anatomy, even more than I like ER these days. It is some good made for TV drama with smart humor mixed in. And Dr McDreamy totally kicks Dr Kovach's booty in the easy on the eyes department any day!

Please listen to that tiny voice when it screams at you.

Ding ding ding ding....
It never ceases to amaze me how well our built in alarms work. Learning to pay attention to our "gut" is probably one of the most valuable things we could ever learn.
Today while I was cleaning the house, doing the normal every day activity of vacuuming I was stopped by this overwhelming feeling that something was not right.
My skin started crawling, my stomach started knotting. I thought I was about to have an anxiety attack or something. It was really random and hit me fast.
I had to stop and ask myself, "Self, what the hell is wrong with you?"
After a little soul searching I knew who I had to contact. I made a phone call and found out that there really was something not right happening right at that very moment and I called in the nick of time. It wasn't life shattering, but life altering for someone that I care a lot about.
I can't say what it was exactly on a public forum without breaking a confidence, but let's just say for the rest of my life I promise to never ignore my "gut" ever! Lesson learned.

Every. Good. Boy. Deserves. Fudge.

I was rocking the Clarinet last night. I was shocked to see I'm still pretty good. I have great tone, didn't squeak once. Still have really good breath control. The best part, it was SO Much fun. I pulled out a little sheet music and I could still read it!
It is like riding a bike.
My mouth did get tired faster than it did back in the day though. After about an hour my lips were like, "You are done lady."

I am sure that made the neighbors happy.

A little shout out to my mom...

Hey mom! I fixed it so I can get anon comments. You can comment away now. :-)

They keep turning human.

I spent the whole night coming up with questions I wanted to ask him. I practiced conversations. I could not wait to meet him. I was an excited and nervous ball of energy.
The clock seemed to be moving at half time, each hour crawled by. I changed my outfit twenty times because I wanted to look just right.
He had been my hero for so long, I could hardly believe I finally had the opportunity to meet him. I wondered if he would be easy to talk to. I wondered if I would be able to get a complete sentence out without stuttering or giggling.
I promised myself I would not under any circumstances make any attempt to tell stupid jokes. I would try not to prattle on too much. I would just ask questions and listen. Soak up whatever genius he would be willing to share with me. I knew my time to talk to him would be limited, but any time would be precious.

When I finally arrived and saw him standing there, in real life, I thought I was going to faint. This person who's genius had had such an effect on my life for so long was right in front of me . There he stood within reaching distance. I took several deep breaths, pulled my mind together, organized the arsenal of questions in my head, and took the first step in his direction.

He looked up at me as I crossed the room. He smiled when he saw me coming toward him. When I got to him he reached out his hand to shake mine. I tried my hardest to not let my hand tremble when I shook his back. When the hand shake was over he did not return my hand to me. He just stood there holding my hand while he continued to speak to the people around him. It was awkward and it threw me off balance. All of the witty conversation and well thought out questions were quickly slipping from my mind. All that was going through my head was, "Why won't he let my hand go? Why is he holding my hand still?"

There I stood dumb and silent holding hands with my hero of so many years.

When he finally turned his attention back to me he looked me in the eye and said, "Well hello there pretty." with a smirk that I have seen a million times before.
My heart sunk to my feet. I knew what boorish game we were about to play, what common conversation we were about to engage in. The thought of it coming from him broke my heart.
He was looking at me the same way men have looked at me most of my life. In a one dimensional light. He had already decided he was going to give me less consideration than he would probably give the purchase of a good bottle of wine. It was written all over his face.

I tried for a moment to speak to him, to rally some of my questions, some of my excitement from earlier. There was still some hope that maybe I could break through his preconceived idea of me.
Then he tried to kiss me.
I gave him my cheek, shook his hand very hard and said, "It was very nice to meet you." and turned to walk away. I was crushed.

I wish I never met my hero. I never wanted to know he was only human.

I feel pretty... oh so pretty...

I got an I Saw U in the paper I work for from a girl who saw me over the weekend. (Not anyone I know, that is why it is flattering) I would post it here, but then she might be able to track me down.

It made me blush.

teehee.

Darian thinks I am turning her into a movie nerd

For real. That is what she told me today. I told her some of my favorite people are movie nerds so if she is turning into one that is not necessarily a bad thing.

We went to The Chronicles of Narnia yesterday. It was as good as I expected it to be. It was better than Tristan and Isolde. It was very much a kid’s movie (Big war, no blood) but I didn't expect it to be more than that. Pretty neat.

Then we went to see Underworld: Evolution- Rent it, trust me.

Tristan and Isolde

D and I went and saw it last night. Unless you are totally dying to see a mid level chick flick with mildly interesting costumes, I would say wait and rent it. It was not horrible, but it was not that exciting either. They didn't stay true enough to the story. They did for a while in the beginning and then they just sort of meandered waaaay off the storyline. That was disappointing as it is a pretty cool legend.

The hardest part for me was that I really liked the guy she was forced to marry. So the whole time she was betraying him, it made her character a lot less sympathetic.

I had little to no emotional response to this movie. So I would not even call it sappy.

Would you cheat on This Guy?
to be with This Guy?
Um, no.

Memoirs of a Geisha

I finally saw Memoirs of a Geisha. I loved it! The costumes and sets were worth the price of admission. The score was dreamy. The actors were beautiful, almost too beautiful.
A lot of the movie was exactly how I had imagined things in my head when I was reading the book. You can tell the author had a heavy hand in the design of it all.
I don't know if the movie would be as magical for someone who never read the book. For example, having read the book I know what happens after the movie ends. The movie sort of ends abruptly and leaves things open ended. Had I not read the book, that would have frustrated me.
If I had to complain I would say that some of the characters were too pretty. The leads were cast perfectly, but some of the characters that were supposed to be hideous in the book were far too attractive. In the book I imagined the women who ran the house to be older and a lot more run down and wicked looking. The American General was also supposed to be fat and gross and drooled when he spoke. He just seemed smarmy, but not disgusting. I wanted the bad guys to be really bad guys, instead they seemed like attractive actors dressed down a little more than usual.
As long as you don't have a problem with your fuglys just being sorta ugly, then you will love this movie. I'll most definitely be buying this one when it comes out on DVD.

This evening after work, against my own better judgement, Darian and I will be checking out Tristan and Isolde.

Wish us luck.

everybody hurts sometimes (I think Yoga was involved)

Last night I tried a Yoga class. I went to the gym at lunch and did some weight training, a smidge of cardio and noticed a flyer for Power Yoga at 5PM. I thought about giving it a shot, but wasn't married to the idea until one of my co-workers agreed to try it with me.
Well, at 5PM we were on our mats on the floor ready to be yogasized, or whatever you would call it. The first thing we did was curl up on the floor in this sort of praying position. We sat like that for what seemed like an eternity. The teacher was talking to us about a lot of stuff that I could not pay attention to because when I did I would start giggling. I'm sorry, but when you start talking about "surrounding your heart with pink light" I'm going to loose it. I can't help it. Then I hear my friend suppressing laughter which only made it worse for me. At that pont I was hanging on by a thread.
So there I was curled up on the floor with all of my blood rushing to my face, trying hard not to laugh and also plotting my escape. I was too far from the door and knew there was no way out. I was there for the hour like it or not.
When he thought we had been curled up long enough he had us change positions. What got me was when he said, "Normally you would stay in this first position a lot longer, but we have time constraints we must work with today."
A lot longer? Really?!?! If I sat like that any longer I really would have passed out from all of the blood rushing to my forehead. As far as I was concerned I could not possibly have sat like that ANY longer.
For the next hour he had me pretzelling my body in ways I have not in a while. I was surprised at how limber I still am, since I have not done any stretches in a long time. No amount of flexibility was going to help me keep my balance in some of these positions though.
I was grateful that by the end of the class I had not fallen over. Once I let my competitive side take over, I was doing much better. I decided I was going to "Win" yoga. Don't ask me how; it just got me through it.

During the cool down, more suppressed giggling when he was talking about feeding the earth with the negative energy and recycling it like the trees do with us or something like that. When he brought up the pink light around my heart one more time I lost it. I buried my face in my arm and laughed as quietly as possible. He must of heard me because he said not to feel strange because this is a very emotional point in the workout. "It is OK to cry." He thought I was crying! This of course only made the giggles worse.

I am officially not an adult.

This morning, yoga got it's revenge. There are parts of me that hurt that I didn’t even know could hurt. I am in some serious pain today.

Stupid power yoga.

The first thread that lead to a pile of yarn...

I seem to have a better memory for my mistakes than I do for my victories.

Is there a storm on the horizon?

It is eerie how calm my mind has been of late. That makes the pessimist in me nervous.

I have been really focused on a few things that I need to get done in the coming weeks. It is all sort of falling into place. I love it. More will be added soon to the list.

I miss Jon, but the fact that I will be near him so very soon makes it OK. If I had to wait months and months again I would probably be climbing the walls, but in fact it is only a matter of days...

Gerbil babies!

Mama on the babies 1-16-06,
originally uploaded by lilblackcat.

I came home from work and she just had five babies! This is the most she has ever had. She is being very protective so it is hard to get a photo just now.

pop goes the pills...

I am sick of taking pills every day for one thing or another.
One is to make the sharp pain go away and help me sleep, another is to make my skin look all pretty and the other four are to force my body to work properly (in theory). It seems my Ovaries are conspiring with my Pancreas to overthrow my body.

It feels like I am always swallowing pills. Take this with milk, take that with food, take this at night, don't take these within 12 hours of each other, don't eat sugar, don't drink alchohol ever... I would love to hear what my Liver feels about all of this.

Has my warranty started to run out? I know my Gall Bladder's has, it keeps threatening to leave. The doctor says the next 4 day attack and they are taking him out. (I decided anything that causes me this much pain MUST be a "him")

All right, I am done feeling sorry for myself. I don't have it that bad, and I should just be happy that I have access to pills that keep me ticking right?

Right.

Bummed.

I have been reading reviews of three movies that I have been really looking forward to seeing. All three movies are getting crap reviews.
"Match Point" has been referred to as final proof that Woody has "gone to seed"
"Triston and Isolde" has been likened to something the WB would make.
And "Memoirs of a Geisha" only got nominated for best score not even best costumes!

Is it too much for me to ask that someone make a movie about unrequited love that is both interesting and visually beautiful but not cheesy? Seriously? Is it that all of the good stuff has been done so well that it can't be done again, or have we just become lazy?

Seriously??

I'm still going to see all of them, but now I am not looking forward to it as much as I was.

Classic Love + Classic Louis Vuitton

Classic Love + Classic Louis Vuitton (Green),
originally uploaded by lilblackcat.

I miss you already...

You are always leaving...

It feels like he just got home. This seriously was the shortest three weeks ever.
The upside is since New Years Eve we have been back in that warm Honeymoon phase that even after all of these years we always manage to find. I can't imagine there ever being another person out there in the world that I should/could be with. There isn't another man out there who could understand/know me better, deal with my idiosyncrasies with more charm, or that I could possibly love more.
I hate when he leaves on a work day. He always walks me to the door and kisses me goodbye. He stands in the doorway while I walk away. I look back, he waves. Eventually I hear the door close and the world gets cold again.

Inside I am crying.

I feel like I have been punched in both sides of my head. At least I don't look it. I didn't swell on the outside. It only hurts when I smile.

I took the Vicoden last night and fell asleep feeling no pain. Jon said it was the most relaxed he has ever seen me.

Now if only I could find a way to blend a cheeseburger. I am SO hungry! I thought this whole Ice Cream diet would be neat, but I am over it. I want my hot coffee and my junk food STAT! No heat, solids, straws or anything for another 24 hours.

My roots run deep...

I had the very last tooth on each side on the top jaw removed today. My teeth are straight but a tad crowded and these were giving me trouble so they told me to have them pulled. I was so freaked by the idea of this. I was a head case for the last three days.

My dentist says I had long roots and my teeth did not want to come out. We had a bit of a war with them. She tried to pull one out all at once, I told her it wasn't going to happen, but she seemed to think she had a shot. After what can only be described as some of the worst sounds I have ever heard coming from my mouth (it sounded like my skull was cracking) she finally gave up and said she was going to have to break it and go one root at a time. When she was trying to take the whole thing, I swear it felt like she was going to snap my upper jaw in half. It was some serious hard core pressure.

She broke it down and went one root at a time. They marveled at how long my roots were and how deep they ran. She lost her grip on them quite a few times before they came out. She was right, they looked like reversed fangs! Super long and sharp. I could feel them all the way in the back of my nose. She said they were so long they probably would irritate my nasal cavity if they got infected. Gross.

They are out now, and the one strange thing I noticed was when I take the gauze out of my mouth and speak, I swear my voice sounds different. It changed the acoustics in the inside of my mouth and it makes it sound deeper in my head. It is annoying. I am sure I will get used to it over time, but being the audio geek that I am, it is bugging me. Jon says I don't sound a lot different, but that is because he doesn't hear how I hear my voice in my head. It is like standing in a really echoing room or something. I sound a lot boomier in my head. I should try singing.

The doctor said I was a great patient. I didn't even flinch. I told her it is because I am an Alaskan. We are a tough bunch. And well, I gave birth with no meds, all natural. Nothing will ever hurt that bad ever again.

Oh, they gave me Vicoden, so I will take that if it hurts and they put me on an ice cream only diet for the next 48 hours. Life is rough.

How cute are they?

folks1972,
originally uploaded by lilblackcat.

My parents in the 70's. They are so retro they are hip. I want my mom's hair in this photo!

Broken Flowers

After being so excited to see this movie I finally rented it.

*Yawn*

It was like watching someone's photo album on screen. I know the director was trying to create uncomfortable tension and mood with the long pauses and silence, but seriously. If you ever attempt to watch this movie, don't do it with a glass of wine at night. It will send you right to sleep. We watched it at 7PM last night and by 8PM we couldn't keep our eyes open!

I should have watched it with some Greek espresso in one hand and a red bull in the other, but then I would have been so ADD I would not be able to pay attention. There really isn't a lot going on in this one. And at the end, there isn't a resolve. If I had to describe it to someone in one sentence I would say it is a movie that was made to be an arty film utilizing all of the arty film cliches very unsuccessfully.

Do I recommend it? No. Unless you have insomnia.

I suggest they do the opposite of a traditional director's cut and put out a version with about 12-15 minutes shaved off.

Work related post....

Are you getting married this year? Did you just get married? Did you just/about to celebrate an anniversary?

I just wanted to let you know there is a new fun place to post your engagement/wedding announcements. It is free! (It was also my idea so I want it to succeed)

The Stranger put up a free section to post announcements. I thought that some of you would like to use it.

Post your story and photos! Have fun with it!

Here is the link:
http://classifieds.thestranger.com

under the heading on the top right called:
Friends 'n' Neighbors

you will see a sub topic:
Gettin' Hitched click on that.

Then you just click POST AN AD that is on the top left of the screen and it will walk you through it. You could be the featured ad of the week!

Speaking of faking your own death....

With all of these documentaries hitting the mainstream and finding quite a bit of success, I think its time for someone to do a documentary on death. Here is the extreme twist that is just right for this Supersize Me, Bowling for Columbine, 'reality' TV kind of world.

The person making the film actually fakes his or her own death. The only people who know that it isn't real are the close friends filming it. The dead person goes into hiding for two weeks. They have their friends get everything on tape from the breaking it to the friends and family, the planning of the funeral, the actual funeral itself, a bunch of testimonials about the person in a whole 'this WAS your life' sort of way. All the while the dead person can make confession booth commentary on what is happening to be spliced in. And then when people are good and messed up over it the big reveal, "Surprise, I am still alive!"

Then they can film when everyone kicks the crap out of the "dead" person for doing it.

It is the perfect cross between the extreme documentary and reality television with lousy/mean twists.

So who is game?

For the record.

I think Elvis Costello singing "I Want You" is probably one of the sexiest things ever put to tape.

After midnight last night.....

new year 103,
originally uploaded by lilblackcat.

Someone put soap in the fountain on E Roy and Broadway. There were bubbles everywhere! I took this quick photo while waiting at the red light. There were people playing in it. I wish I got a better one, but there were a lot of cars.

Let's start the new year with a little bit of honesty...

Jon and I got engaged on New Years Eve at a Long Winters show two years ago. That night could very easily be described as one of the happiest moments of my life. For the first time in a long time everything seemed to have fallen into place and everything I wanted was starting to finally happen for me. I had a great kid, I cleaned my ‘house of friends’ of toxic people leaving me surrounded with nothing but positive influences and I was in a relationship with the only man that I’ve ever truly loved. My life was a dream.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I always knew/hoped we would be together someday. It was the only truth that made sense to me even if to the outside world it didn’t seem to make any sense at all. When he stood up in front of all of those people and asked me to be his wife, all of the doubts and questions melted away. He confirmed to the world what I knew in my heart and soul all along.

Over the last year Jon’s work has taken him away from me so much. Between being on completely different sides of the world and living completely separate lives for five months, it caused a strain on the both of us. When he came home, things were not at all what we had expected. In fact it was quite the opposite.

It was akin to going back to the small town you grew up in. When you go home, the people look so much the same, you expect everything to be the same and it is hard to adjust when you realize people do grow and change. We looked like the same people, it is the same house, the same routines, but something was undeniably different. Neither of us could put our finger on it and it led to these feelings of detachment and resentment. It was like having a stranger in the house who looked like my husband that went away in July but who wasn’t him at all.

For the last few weeks we have been sort of dancing around each other. Doing what we could to just stay out of each other’s hair and not pick any pointless fights over ridiculous things. I went out with my girls and he retreated to his movies.

From the outside it looked like everything was fine, but there was a tension/silence surrounding our place that nobody wanted to be around, especially not us. Suddenly I was looking at the person who I would have pretty much given my life for over the last ten years and there was a stranger looking back at me. I’ve never been more afraid of loosing in my life. I actually considered that I might be living the last chapter of our beautiful story. I was heartsick over it.

Then after a very bizarre string of random events over the last three days, there was a shift and everything came into very sharp focus. Life handed me a whole bunch of challeges and epiphanies in a very 'It’s a Wonderful Life' sort of way.

Through the eyes of other people and other situations I was given perspective and realized that we had only been protecting ourselves from the pain of having to be away from each other. We had our shields up for so long that by the time we were reunited, we forgot how to take them down and let each other back in. We almost forgot for a moment just how completely lucky and blessed we are to have one another. If we lost this battle the loss would have defined loves tragedy.

Last night we rang in the New Year with The Long Winters again, as we did two years ago. Something shifted during the evening and it was like a floodgate opening. We reconnected and it felt like the night he proposed to me all over again. We laughed and talked and really opened up to one another again. He finally returned home and I finally opened the door to welcome him back.

I would like to say I regret doubting us for even a second, but I won’t. The doubt is what led me to explore in my mind the possibility of my life without him in it. That exploration gave us both a refreshed outlook on how much I really do love my husband and how lucky we really are.

What I learned this year is being away from the person you love is one of the hardest things a relationship will ever go through. Without even knowing it, your mind and heart will go into a survival mode to counteract the pain of missing the person you love. The important thing to remember is that if you allow yourself to let go and don’t keep things in perspective, the result would be a future filled with regrets. That is not an option for me.

I know it seems like a really private thing to post in such a very public place, but I feel like it is such a moving, life altering event it would be selfish of me not to. So many of you have read about all of the good times and shared them with us through me. People have told me that they really idealize the story we share. It is a great story, but every story has its plot twist and low points. That doesn’t mean the love is not good or as perfect as human love can get, it means we are only human. In reality, being faced with and then overcoming obstacles makes it that much better.

Life is hard, love is harder. If it is real you will fight to the end for it and you will overcome all of the obstacles that life throws at you. I almost let myself forget that, I won't ever make that mistake again.

My year end list.

Are there really only a few days left of 2005? I find it so hard to believe.

This year there was a very strong focus on school and my daughter and her friends. I think most of my focus and energy was spent on that.

2005 was the first year to bring big changes and peer group issues to the table. I am aware that it is the first step in many years to come of growing pains and challenges. So far I count myself very lucky that my daughter seems to have her head square on her shoulders and the worst problems we have had with behavior is that she likes to leave her $300 toys laying on the couch.
It could most certainly be worst, but I hope it never is. This is the first year where I realized that several of my younger friends are actually closer to my daughters age than they are to mine. I find that amusing.

2005:
I reached my first anniversary at work and as a married couple.
I reached the ten year anniversary of knowing the person I am married to.
Jon was on the road for 5 months and home for 12 days during that five months in 2005.
I got to know Jeannine (aka Nenu) better when she came back from New York and moved in with me for a little while, she is now one of the most important people in my life.
I volunteered at a shelter.
My focus changed to my daughter's future and less on my own.
I went to New York and fell in love with the city again.
I went to Boston for the first time and almost got killed by a cab driver. (At least that is how I will tell the story for the rest of my life)
I went to far too many rock shows. They are all sort of a wonderful blur in my memories.
I had surgery.
I lost someone that I loved to tragedy.
A child that I love as much as my own broke my heart when she grew up too fast.
My daughter changed schools.
I made a few new friends that I know will be very important to me in the future.
I reconnected with one of my oldest and dearest friends and he came to visit me and introduced me to the love of his life.
I went to Idaho and discovered I am an alien to them.
I let my hair grow out enough to realize I will never let my natural color grow out again since it has turned on me. (I thought we had a deal?!?!)
I finally found peace with some of my ghosts.
I met 'single Amie' as apposed to 'in a relationship Amie' and watched her blossom.
I watched way too much bad television.
There have been more than 400 movies rented on my video account.
I met one of my heros and found out he was only human.
I got a little closer to knowing what I want to be when I grow up.
I changed.


more lists:

List of movies I have to see in the next few weeks:

1- Memoirs of a Geisha (Love the book, can't wait to see the movie)
2- Harry Potter (Still have not read the books, had trouble with all of the hype)
3- Match point (Love Woody Allen even though he has been disappointing me a lot lately)
4- King Kong (I heard if it didn't make me cry I didn't have a heart, must go and see if I have a heart)
5- Tristan and Isolde (Saw the trailer and got all giddy. My favorite guilty pleasure style movie since I was a little girl obsessed with the Camelot story.)

Ouch!

I went to the f-ing dentist this afternoon and now I feel like someone punched me in the mouth. I am having a crown replaced. It doesn't sound like it would be painful, but it is. They really do a number on your gums when they are making the impressions and stuff.

At least with the new crown I will have a whiter and brighter smile. I ruined the last one drinking coffee and red wine. I just have to use more straws and be more careful, because it isn't cheap getting these things replaced.

Stupid Alaska with it's stupid non-fluoridated country water.

I need someone to create a Pepsi clear version of my favorite espresso drink. Could someone get on that?

hmmm

for some reason when I post photos they make the top of my blog vanish. I need to figure out why this is happening. I tried changing the format twice now, but that didn't work. grrrrr.

Life in pictures. (For the one who keeps running)

I am both the first and the last word.

Not new
but reinvented,
replaced,
and recovered.

You'll see soon enough.

I didn't ask to be the voice of reality
in your 'Once Upon a Time' world.

If those looks were voices they would have teeth.

-and now she runs and how she runs-

No matter how you frame it
you can't save it

It is a fluid thing.

---------------------
And something about pain (For the one who is looking for answers)

I want to swallow your pain,
eat it up and watch it develop into something original.
A revealing embrace.
Don't trust your eyes, they are tricksters.
See these maps on my wrists as I hold them out to you.
Hear my heart as it pushes the blood through these veins.
No pain is unique
Truth lies in perception
and to what degree you allow yourself to feel.
Will you embrace it?
Will you beat it?
Will you let it take over?
Pain is not like breathing.
It's as much of a choice as you allow it to be.

It's over and we survived to tell the tale...

Another three hundred and fifty something days before we have to do it all over again. Next year I am going to try and find a way to do it somewhere tropical or maybe somewhere snowy. Wouldn't that be nice?

The little one loved her holiday, she got everything on her wish list. One of the benefits of being the only grandchild in my family. She is one happy camper right now.

Jon's mom gave us the one thing I have wanted for a very long time; a really nice digital camera! I'm in love with it! I have already taken like a million photos.

I got a pair of pretty diamond earrings and the new Long Winters CD that I didn't even know existed. I have not really had a chance to listen to it yet, so I'll post about it later. I also got a Ladro coffee card, which is probably one of the smartest gifts for me since I spend at least 10% of my paychecks going there every morning before work and on the weekends.

I gave Jon a bunch of DVD's, books and CD's. You know, the usual. Oh and a Pez dispenser set that featured all of the Star Wars Characters. He seemed pleased.

I'm glad it is over. Now we can get on with our lives.

Poor Nenu...

So Christmas went really well. It was very low key and relaxed just like I hoped it would be. Amie and Jeannine stopped by last night and hung out for a few hours. We chatted and watched some Triumph. Darian kept daring Jeannine to eat sardine flavored Jelly Beans, and she DID! Haha! I think that may be what lead to this morning’s mishap.

Turns out she went home last night feeling fine, but woke up about 3AM throwing up. She said she threw up like 11 times and starting feeling really horrible so she decided to go to the doctor.

I got the 7AM “I’m at the hospital” call which just about gave me a heart attack until I woke up enough to understand that it was flu related and she just needed some anti-nausea meds, fluids, rest and someone to drive her home.
I caught a cab over to the hospital (She had her car with her) and found a very sleepy and sad Nenu in bed all hooked up to an IV. She didn’t feel good at all.

She still had a while to go that she had to be there. I assessed the damage so we could come up with a plan of action for the day. I told her I would take her home to my place. She mentioned she got sick in the car on the way there as well, so I borrowed some gloves and wipes from the hospital and went and cleaned out the car. Then we waited for her IV to be all finished and the nurse gave me some anti-nausea pills for her and sent her home with me. The nurse said she has a really bad flu bug and needs lots of sleep and fluids and stuff, she should be fine in a couple of days. Poor kiddo. :(

The question is: What do you feed a vegetarian who is sick? I would usually do Jell-o and chicken broth, but veggies can’t eat either of those things. I got a can of Veggie broth, which doesn’t seem that appetizing to me, but maybe she will like it? I also grabbed popsicles and saltines. I wish they made a vegetarian Chicken and Stars soup (Best sick food ever!). Maybe I will try the Rainbow grocery next door; they seem to have lots of vegan type stuff there.

Hope nobody else gets it. It seems pretty icky.

Morning...

I am up way too early again. Slept from about 2-5AM and that was it.
I'm really happy we didn't go anywhere this year. I would hate being awake and feeling unable to pace.
Watching the Today show and waiting for the stores to open again.

We picked up my daughter's brand new PSP yesterday. She is going to freak out when she sees it. I can hardly wait!

Tripod the 3 legged mouse

Tripod the 3 legged mouse,
originally uploaded by lilblackcat.

Isn't she so cute?!

Arby's dessert

Arby's dessert,
originally uploaded by lilblackcat.

Don't know why I liked this, I just thought it was creepy looking and had to take a photo of it.

The Best Christmas gift EVER!

My oldest and dearest friend is having a baby and she just told me that she wants to incorporate my name into her new babie's name. I am so honored I could cry.

Why does this work?

http://www.oswid.com/flash/psychic.swf

I WILL sleep tonight.

Day three of total insomnia.

Tonight I am turning to my old friend Nyquil to put me down. We'll see how it goes.

This is not a good time for me to be getting
A:Insomnia and
B:sick because of it and that tickle in my throat is starting to turn into a full fledged *ouch*

I would ask Jon what he thought about all of this, but he has been sleeping like a baby for two hours now. Could not even stay awake through the movie we were watching.

Show off.

3AM and sleep still hasn't found me...

Tonight we went to see Jacob James (The Lashes) play at the Bus Stop. I heard his solo work for the first time on a co-workers I-tunes. I really liked it and wanted to see how he pulled it off live. I was not disappointed at all! He is a really talented fella that one.
When we first arrived, I ran into quite a few people I have not seen in a very long time. We played a little catch up, and went inside.
Jeannine and I were having a great time people watching and listening to the music. (Can you say Cello? Dreamy!) There was another guy who played, and I have no idea who he is, but he had a really pretty voice. Very smokey and soulful. I will have to investigate this some more.

I came home and caught the last hour of the Nip/Tuck season finale. There were parts that were really cool/intense. I was at the edge of my seat, completely freaked out for parts of it. But then the unveiling at the end was enough to turn me off from the show forever. It was too obvious and silly. I could have written a better twist. Oh well, it is the small screen after all.

Is it possible to have sympathy jet lag?

I like Death cab.

OK- I admit it. You all said I would someday and I said, "No, I won't" and I avoided listening to them for ages. (Yes I really am that stubborn. At least you don't have to live with me!)
But then I saw Ben play solo and really liked his voice and his lyrics. I borrowed a CD from my husband on the sly and listened to it. Now I am in love with this record/band that I was trying so hard not to like.

So, dear friends who told me so, you may commence with the "I told you so's" now. I can take it!

But for the record, I still don't like Bjork and you can't make me!

Dreams for the insomniac

The best part about not being able to sleep are the reruns. I am watching really old school Twilight Zone right now. I've decided I NEED this.

Holy Moly!

Jon is going to be home in 3 hours!

I am at work and won't see him for another 7, but still, he will actually be in Seattle in 3 hours!

That is wicked cool!

Is that all there is? If that's all there is my friends then let's keep dancing...

I always thought there was something very romantic about the idea of packing a bag of essentials and taking off in the middle of the night to start all over in a new place where no one knows you.
I have done it, several times. That is how I ended up in Seattle.
It was about 2AM, I had money and a lot of boxed wine in me. We called the airport and asked what the biggest city we could get to was, and when was the soonest flight. It was $50 to Seattle at 6AM. I was on that plane.
I was also 17 and my parents were less than happy to get a collect call from Washington State the next day from their daughter who was staying in some seedy cheap hotel on Second Avenue.
I really was a good kid in the whole I didn’t break any laws sense. I was just extremely restless. My head was never in it. I was all grown up by 10, it just took a while for my body to catch up with my mind.
I hated living in the woods away from everything. I hated the fact that the only things I had to entertain myself were my thoughts and old movies. I hated when you turned off the lights at night you could not hear anything at all. You have never really heard your thoughts until you have stayed a few nights in the middle of nowhere Alaska, trust me. There is a reason the teen suicide rate is so high up there.
When I would come home after school every day, my brothers were usually at various friends houses, my parents were at work and I was completely alone.
We had a huge house that sat alone on a decent piece of property with super high vaulted ceilings. All of the open space made it feel cold, and created some really spooky shadows and noises.
In the winter it was dark all of the time, and I always had the nagging thought in the back of my head that someone could totally come in and kill me, take their time with it, and there would not be a person around to hear me screaming. It was a total head trip.
The first thing I would always do when I walked in the house was turn on the TV on mute “for company” and then I would turn on the stereo as loud as I could.
I would play all of my dad’s records. I loved the familiar warm crack and pop of each and every one. I fell in love with two men during that time, one named Simon, the other named Garfunkel. They seemed to understand what was happening in my head better than anyone in real life, and they were my closest friends.
At some point there was the realization that if I was going to join the rest of the world, I was just going to have to do it. I needed to take action before I lost my mind, and drown in my own darkness. So, one afternoon in the dead of winter, a few months before I was set to graduate I took action. I walked into the school and pulled all of the books out of my locker that belonged to the school and set them aside, emptied everything else into a waste basket and walked into the office. I set the books on the counter and said, “I quit.”
The look on the poor receptionist face was a mixture of both shock and sadness. She must have called security after I turned and walked out because a few minutes later a woman was chasing me down the hall telling me to go back to class.
I said, “No, you don’t understand, I quit. You can’t tell me what to do anymore. I am leaving.”
She threatened me with truancy slips and detentions and was still threatening me as I was getting into my car and driving off. I watched her standing in the parking lot getting smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror as I pulled away from that place for the very last time.
Weeks later I was in Seattle.
I didn’t stay in Seattle very long, only a few months. I couch surfed with friends and stayed in practice spaces of bands that I befriended while they practiced. I kept my belongings in the greyhound station rental lockers and would go back to change every now and then. Eventually I caught a bus and started across the US on a trip that lasted me about 7 months.
I ended up in Michigan at my beloved grandmother’s bedside while she slowly passed away. I spent my days working at McDonald’s and my nights visiting my Grandmother. Once she was gone, I knew it was time to go home.
I found a ticket for sale that flew from Muskegon to Anchorage one way for the exact amount that my last McDonalds paycheck was. I thought it was a sign. I flew home under another woman’s name (This is back when they didn’t check ID’s with tickets)
I was home long enough to realize you can never go back. I felt like I was all the wrong size now. I didn’t understand the people anymore; everything seemed so simple and laughable after what I had seen over the last year. I just couldn’t connect and it was not long before I was back on a plane and back in Seattle this time with a partner in crime.
I didn’t run away again until I was 9 months pregnant. I packed a bag on my due date and left him.
I remember sitting on the front porch of our apartment. He was asking all the wrong questions and I was slowly erasing him from my memories while waiting for my cab. I was going to do what was best for my child, and what was best was not sitting there on that stoop with me.
I lied at the airport and told them I was only 5 months pregnant, I was just a “Very fat girl” no one wanted to argue with that, and they let me on the plane. I prayed I would not go into labor on my 3 hour flight back to Anchorage.
I gave birth two weeks later. I was living back in my father’s house that I had spent the previous years running away from. This time it was my sanctuary and he was my savior.
By the time I gave birth, I could hardly remember anything about the man I was with that I left on that stoop. Her birth certificate has a blank line where it says father’s name. She and I belonged to each other and no one else.
I waited for two years before trying to take on the world again. I wanted to wait until we were both strong enough to make a go of it. I had as much growing up to do as my baby girl did. Shortly after her second birthday, I rented an apartment in Seattle that I had not seen, and bought a car through a friend that I had not seen and had it parked at my apartment. I tested out of school, and was accepted into a Seattle college.
We left again, but this time it stuck. Now it has been 8+ years, the longest I have ever stayed in one place.
Here I am. All settled and in a nice little routine.
And the music is once again the only thing drowning out the overwhelming silence.

Nice.

Now how am I supposed to learn all of my favorite songs? This is taking it a tad too far I think. BBC Link

The next time you see my husband

Ask him what he thinks of the term Powerpop.

Oh and go to this tele interview and FFWD to 12:23 into it and see why:

http://svt.se/svt/road/Classic/shared/mediacenter/player.jsp?d=32534&a=506398

And I love you and I love you and I love you and I love you....

I just walked into my apartment and my cats are climbing all over me. It is actually a little overwhelming. I spent the whole day here, and you would think by how they are acting I have been gone for a month. Freaky little critters all effected by the moon.
Well Nenu and I spent our last night together before the boy gets home for a few weeks. I must say it is a little heartbreaking that things will change. Not trying to downplay my husbands return to the home front, but he has been away for so long I have sort of adopted new patterns and habits to adapt. I have so enjoyed my girl time; in fact I think I am enjoying it more now than when I was single. Not that I was EVER truly single for very long. There was always something on the horizon.
Last night we went to my office Holiday party. There are photos on the website. I didn’t realize just how boobilicious my shirt was until I saw the photos today. (They are up on www.thestranger.com we are on page 1 and page 5) Extra glad that I mixed that shirt with the free Tequila they were pouring all night. I did talk a little shit last night for sure, but luckily it was all to people who would never tell.
Thank goodness I didn’t embarrass myself in front of any of my girly crushes. *ahem*
OK, well at least I didn’t say anything that I would regret later *cough*
OK, at least I made it home in one piece…

Tonight we went to see The Divorce and Harvey Danger. I was really having trouble getting my hair to cooperate today. I sort of felt like the Robin Williams character from the movie Jumanji when he came out of the jungle, but red. I really have WAY too much hair.
Anyhow, we were running late, so we missed The Divorce. We also knew it was sold out, but we figured we would just act like we were supposed to be there and we would get in. That seemed to work.
I hit the window and Nenu hit the door guy. We were in and ticketed (for free) in under 4 minutes. Now that is some good juju.
We got situated and grabbed our drinks, headed into the band room and Harvey Danger were just getting started. They played a fantastic show to a completely packed to the rafters house. Two of the Lashes even came up and sang on a Christmas song. They sounded great, I LOVE that room when it is full! I have seen some of my all time favorite Seattle shows in that particular room, I think The Croc would come in a close second.
We munched on some delicious Frites and said hello to Ari before we called it a night. I just wasn’t all that interested in the following bands and I think I am a little drained still from the Tequila and Miller High Life fest that was my office party the night before.

One thing I didn’t write about yet that I have been meaning to is The Nutcracker. Darian and I joined Licia on Wednesday to go check out the PNWB version down at the Opera house. It was SO beautiful.
It really is difficult for me to describe that sort of show properly. There are not words. To hear that style of music played live so flawlessly, it really is breathtaking. It is practically a religious experience.
If you know how to read sheet music or have ever been in an orchestra you know just how much goes into it all. How each player alone might be pretty but a little dull, but when you layer them all together you get this thing that is almost alive. You become a part of a living breathing thing that you as an individual get completly lost in. Now add ballet dancers and a few angelic voices for the opera parts.
There is nothing like it.
If I were a wealthy woman I would have season tickets and go every weekend. I love my rock shows, I really do, but my heart belongs to the Symphony.
It was my dream growing up. I worked so hard learning and perfecting my instruments. I loved it so much. I was crushed when I left my small town and came to the big city and got a good hard dose of reality. Most of those people who do it for a living play every intrument, I could only play about three and only two of them well enough to be symphony worthy.
Oh well, it still holds a major place in my heart. Maybe some day I will play clarinet in my twilight years all Woody style. One can dream.
Darian really seemed to get the same buzz off of seeing it as I did. That made me really happy.

Well peeps, that’s the news. Now does anyone want to come over and do my dishes, because I am so not having it.

We will miss you Leo!

John Spencer, who played a tough and dedicated politico on "The West Wing", died of a heart attack today. He was 58.

The White House will never be the same. :-(

Letters to the universe...

I swear to you, I was having the worlds crappiest month and then I started my 100 things blog.
The day after I posted the first part of the list, the sky opened and wonderful things are just falling into my lap! Every turn there is another really amazing thing, and they are all things somehow connected to my list.

Had I known it would have this effect I would have written letters to the universe a long time ago!

Dear Universe-
I want to have an amazing magical weekend. Please? Pretty please?
Loves-
xom

Guess what I have in my hot little hand right now?

If you guessed:
Jon’s brand new record Songs from the Year of Our Demise,
you win!

I am so excited! It is all shrink wrapped and all fancy like. I must admit there were days where I wondered if I would ever see the day. But here it is! I have only been authorized to give a copy to 2 people since they are part of the mortal choir on 6 feet under. The rest of you have to wait. Sorry.

I am listening to it right now. It is perfect.

Snoopy Dances all around!

Like I don't have enough to do already...

100 things
Check it yo!

It only encouraged them.

The smoking ban didn't stop anyone. It isn't like they have smoking police. For the record, I have gone to my favorite neighborhood dive bar twice now since then; once on Saturday and once last night. Both times people were still smoking. What changed? There is now a HUGE No Smoking sign pinned to the front door.

She is lovely and amazing.

I had trouble getting to sleep last night. It probably had something to do with the really long nap I took in the middle of the afternoon. Darian and I watched Born into Brothels and it drained me so much emotionally I just passed out.
I really liked it. I found it to be extremely well done and aside from some swearing in subtitles I don't think there is anything wrong with letting your young adult watch it. It actually opened up some really interesting discussion between Darian and I. She was really moved by the kids stories and their photos. She asked me if this movie was made a long time ago. I asked her why she thought that. She said, "Because if the world saw this movie and saw what these kids had to deal with don't you think they would fix it by now and get them help?"
I wish it were that simple my love.

That is the part I hate about seeing her grow up. I get to witness first hand the world chipping away at her. I get to see the disappointment in her eyes when she realizes that we don't live in a world that is fair or kind to everyone, even children. I know as a parent I have to slowly introduce her to these realities when at the same time every part of me wants to protect her from it all.

She is the biggest reason I keep this blog. It is the adult version of her who I am writing to when I write this. She doesn't know about it now, but I figure someday she might be interested to read the things I pondered the most when I was younger. I always wished my parents had kept some sort of journals. It would have helped me understand them better when I was older.

She is so much smarter than I was at her age and that makes me both proud and scares the hell out of me. She is not only beautiful but she is fearless and confident. There is a part of me that is always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I watched her sleeping last night for at least an hour. She still sleeps with the same look on her face as she did the day I brought her home from the hospital. She still laughs in her sleep. She still loves me the most. I hope that never goes away.

I already hate the boy who will break her heart someday. She has not met him yet, but he is out there looming on the horizon, just waiting. I hope the world never breaks her spirit.

All the girls in my bed these days…

Had another sleepover last night, this one was of the blonde Amie variety. We could not think of any shows to go to. Her plans to get her boogie on fell through. So we decided to make it a movie night.
She just got the Buffy box set and there were a handful of episodes I have not seen yet. I'm also trying to take full advantage of the few free days I have left before Jon comes home. Having boys in the house puts a serious damper on sleepovers!

Of course the first thing we did was fast forward to the first Spike and Buffy hook up, which was smokin' hawt! Then we just watched all of the 'Willow gone crazy' episodes that I missed. I think they may have been some of the best Buffy’s, I can’t believe I'm just seeing them now!

After that we decided to crawl into bed and watch what we both feared was going to be the worst movie ever that we rented on a whim and a prayer. I blame Amie, she blames me, I think we should just blame Jon since his name is on the account.

Quotes from this craptastic movie Now and Forever:
“I was wrenched from her arms by the Holocaust of our reality.”
“I don’t want my death to be like some cheesy movie of the week.”

I think you get the idea. Lifetime would have rejected this one! I wanted to wash my minds eye after seeing this. At least Amie was there to laugh with me and didn’t mind my heavy handed fast forward button pushing.


It just hit me today that Jon will REALLY be home in a week. Albeit for a very short period of time, but he will be home. He will actually be in the apartment with all of his boy things, habits, opinions and stuff. No more girl dormitory living for us. Don’t get me wrong, I miss the man like crazy. He is the love of my life and as necessary as Oxygen to me, but I have to admit following these long stretches things are always a little weird for the first few days. When I finally get used to him being back home, he is gone again. It is such a rollercoaster and really messes with my psyche more than I like to admit to people, but I am pretty sure I am not fooling anyone anyway.

His solo record is all done and printed and set to come out in March. I am totally looking forward to watching that happen for him. I’m so proud of him and what he made there. It is one of the most beautiful things I have heard in years, if not ever. It is so complete and emotional. I think it is the best stuff he has ever been a part of, ever.

Richard Pryor is dead.

Wow. This news is no bueno.
He was my favorite as a kid. I loved his movies, his cameos in the Muppet movies, his stand up shows that I watched even though I wasn't supposed to. I am going to go to the video store and rent some Richard Pryor stuff right now and watch them tonight. Maybe I will get See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Car Wash and Brewster's Millions. Not all great movies, but they are a part of some fond memories for me. OMG The Toy! I have got to rent The Toy! I thought that was the funniest thing ever when I was a kid!

He will be missed. Heck, with his illness tearing him down and stopping him from performing these past few years, he already was.

Everyone should have sleepovers!

Last night was a good night. I REALLY wanted to go to The Deck The Hall Ball, but Jon had trouble getting it all sorted for me from Spain. By the time he was getting answers from people it was already tomorrow there so it just didn't link up. Instead Melissa and I had a slumber party.
There are certain Italian dishes that I can make with my eyes closed and they always turn out wonderful. Perfect comfort food type stuff. Last night I whipped up one of those dishes and Melissa, Darian and I carb loaded like you would not believe! So yummy.
By the time we were done all we wanted to do was nap. There was a new episode of ER on, and I had a big bottle of Framboise chilled. (Framboise=Best stuff on earth) Oh and we even made chocolate milkshakes!
The only downside was Melissa left the TV on when she fell asleep watching Nick at Nite so I woke up with some crazy infomercial about getting into shape literally screaming at me from the foot of the bed at 4AM. I turned it off and all was forgiven. We walked to work today and it was perfect and sunny and crisp. Things are looking up.

Memoirs of a Geisha

I can't wait for this movie. I LOVED the book, I read it in two days staying overnight at a hospital and then flying home from a funeral. It was my only escape from reality and it worked. So far the previews all look really beautiful. I hope they don't ruin it.

wine, women and song

Yesterday I probably got some of the worst news of my life, but I can't talk about it, so don't ask me. You will make me cry. For real. So instead I will talk about last night...

I really had a good time last night. A big Thank You to Matt and Licia for getting me in and then another extra big thank you to Licia for getting me so intoxicated that I forgot my tooth hurt. Sorry I ran out like I did, I could feel the last bit of vodka entering my system and knew if I didn't grab the chance to get out of there when I did I was going to start acting silly. As it is I am not entirely sure I was walking straight at that point. Also I could not resist actually seeing Sean drive with my own two eyes. It was almost as strange as the first time I saw Jason Finn driving a car. Just never thought I would see the day. I love his car, it looks like an egg with wheels. Super cute! I want one now.

My friends, you all made my very up and down day end on a loverly note. Thank you Mira from London for surprising me with a call at work. You are the best! Tony for being so sweet and showing me your cool gadget. Gavin for giving me lots of Gavin hugs which are the best ever! The Capps for playing a great show, all they need now is a sexy bass player and they will take over the world! (Matt's voice sounded AMAZING last night BTW, best mix I ever heard at Chop Suey. That is such a live room.) Licia for being her wonderful self, I wish I could adopt you and make you a sister. Amie for being so excited about being Merch Girl, you actually made it look fun! Sean for giving me a ride home and rescuing me from the crazy guy screaming outside my apartment (same guy who talks to his dead Aunt from a few days ago! No shit! I can't seem to escape that guy.) and all of the rest of my friends I got to spend time with last eve. You have no idea how much I needed that. I was in a bad way.

Hope I was not slurring too much. I'm not a very good drinker, I just pretend to be.

Wizard of Oz...

Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable...

If I didn't know any better

I would swear the news just went to commercial playing a super old school Peter Murphy song intro. Could it be???

The mystery is you...

I think it is funny that Jon has to sometimes remind me that life is not one of the stories I am writing and the people are not my characters. Therefore they won't always act the way that I would write them.
It is funny because I really do need to be reminded. I am always giving people too much or too little credit. I tend to fill in the blanks with what I think made them act or react certain ways and where their next step will take them. Sometimes it is uncanny how right I am with my guessing. I even had a silly ex-boyfriend accuse me of being some sort of psychic. I found this to be amusing, but not true at all. Truth be told I am just a good guesser and a lot of people are very predictable. Life is just one big chess game.
It is the people who I cannot figure out at all that keep me fascinated. I could lose days trying to unravel an atypical personality. A lot of people thought I would make a good therapist, but sometimes the emotional aspects of it all make me feel far too uncomfortable.
A lot of people mistake me for being a highly emotional person because I seem so open and fiery, but I am only comfortable with certain emotions. I am good with love, happiness, passion, conflict, and anger. I can deal with all of these things with ease and usually come away from any situation in a good way.
However, I am not good with real pain, loss, or grief. I have lost too many people and have too many of my own demons in those departments to be of any use to anyone else at this point in the game. I can't bring myself to tell another person in my life who is dying that "everything is going to be OK" because I can't say it with any conviction. They would know I was lying. There used to be a time I believed that, but that time has past. So now, when I am faced with loosing someone who I care about and who is reaching out to me, I am at a loss for words.

Why do I try?

I was running a few minutes behind schedule this morning. When I got to the bus stop and there were not any people there I was afraid I had missed the bus. I looked at my watch and it was exactly the time the bus should be there. I looked up the street and didn't see the back of the bus, so I thought I would ask someone if I had just missed it. The only person around was this homeless guy who was mumbling to himself. I figure he would probably be coherent enough to give a yes or no answer and he was my only option. I decided to take a chance and ask him.

This is how the conversation went:

ME- Excuse me sir, could you tell me if the bus just went by?

HG- I am TRYING to have a conversation with my Aunt Ava here! Can't you see that?!

ME- Um OK, clearly you think you are talking to someone. All I want to know is if you saw a bus go by here in the last minute or two. So, did you?

HG- I DON'T LIKE TO BE INTERRUPTED WHEN I AM SPEAKING TO MY FAMILY AND I AM TRYING TO TALK TO MY AUNT AVA HERE!

ME- OK, well then, can you ask her if she saw the bus go by?


Apparently she didn't.

Dream a Little Dream

We were walking through the middle of city streets. It looked like any ugly midwestern city.
All of the cars and people around us were moving on slightly fast forward.
The only color was the pink of our cheeks and lips from the cold as if someone had gone in and airbrushed it on black and white photos.
Although there was traffic, and people bustling about, there was no sound, only the sound of your breath and mine.
We stepped out into the middle of a city intersection. You grabbed my hand and suddenly everyone else disappeared.
“I want to show you something.” You said, “Follow me. Don’t worry, you can trust me.”

I had butterflies in my stomach. I was as nervous as I was curious about where you were going to take me.

We walked through the city streets, past overturned garbage cans, broken bottles, old rusted-out cars. The city was ugly and dirty; the only picturesque thing about it was the new layer of snow that covered everything. Our footprints were the only thing that disturbed the layer of snow.

We approached a heavy gate. You turned to me and said, “Close your eyes.”

I heard you jangle the lock and then the creak of the large gate opening. You and I stepped through, the door slammed hard behind us.

“You can open your eyes now.” You whispered close to my ear.

We were now standing in the center of a large vineyard with no trace of the city or the door. It was still black and white and covered in a thin layer of snow, all except for the grapes. They were huge, ripe and the same shade of blush as our lips. They were covered in a light sparkling frost that made them look sugared.

The grapes hung heavy on the drooping vines. You reached up and picked a large blushing grape. You were wearing gloves with no fingertips. I could see the frost melting instantly at the heat of your touch causing a little burst of steam.

You reached over and held the grape in front of my lips, I opened my mouth and you placed it on my tongue. I bit down on the grape. The flavor of sweet, nearly frozen, champagne burst in my mouth. It was startling but delicious.
You pressed your warm fingers against my lips. I could smell your skin feel your heat. I swallowed the grape and you moved your hand away.

“What just happened?” I asked nearly breathless
“That, my friend, was a kiss.” You smirked in reply

Why is it...

...when it is cold, all I can think about is wanting to eat ice cream?
And why did all of the good ice cream joints on the hill close? What is up with that? Don't people in my hood eat the stuff anymore? Did I miss the anti-ice cream memo? Someone hurry up and open one in my neighborhood. I promise I will go at least once a week.

Or cupcakes..... I could totally eat a really fluffy cupcake right now with bubblegum pink frosting and maybe a couple of sprinkles. Mmmmmmmm....


I'm hungry.

Bumming hard.

After spending a long day of dealing with major car BS and spending too many $$$ on it, all I wanted to do was go see a rock show. I was really looking forward to it. Jeannine and I got there early to eat a little food and claim a table before the swarms showed up. We had perfect seating, rock star parking and yummy food and drinks. They told us the show was cancelled and gave us our money back.
We left and were very sad.
I got an email this morning that said, the show ended up being un-cancelled after we left and turned into a really fun time.
I want a rewind for yesterday.

Wha.

None of this post is true. Do not read it.

My head is so backwards right now. I don't even know how to talk about it without opening cans of worms that I don't want opened. I love my friends, and I wish I could tell all of you every little thing, but I have to keep some secrets in my vault. Today the vault feels like it is about to burst and spill out every random private thought that has ever crossed my mind, every thing I never meant to tell anyone.
There are so many things I wish I could write about. I could easily write novels and they would certainly be interesting, but I fear they would unravel my whole life one thought at a time.

Don't worry.

This is all a lie.

...back to your regularly scheduled program...

Apples to Oranges... Her Extraordinary Machine.

Been spending some QT with the new Fiona Apple record lately. Her very signature bouncy piano sound, funky lyrics and determined sounding vocals are all there. I like it in a familiar kind of way, but not as much as her last record.
Why? Because she sounds too content.
I must admit, I really liked super angry Fiona a lot better. She was the Fiona who was ravaged by the highs and lows of young love where there is no logic involved. The Fiona who would make mountains out of molehills; tragedy out of teen love. I would turn her on full blast while driving down the street after getting mad at my boyfriend. It was silly, but a good kind of silly. Now she just sort of sounds like a grown up. That is disappointing to me.
Also, this record seems to have a bouncy show tune feel to it. Quite a few of the songs I can see her dancing in a top hat, wearing a sequined bow tie and doing a tap number all Fosse style. I understand why they didn't want to release this one. It is good, but it isn't going to make anyone close to the kind of money the last one made.

At least it is well produced and polished in a way only Jon Brion is capable of. For that it is worth owning.

Chatterbox.

Sometimes when I get really bored at work I play this game in my head.
What you do is you try to figure out what you would say to certain people if you had their undivided attention for 5 minutes. All sorts of people. From the president to random celebrities to that crazy smoking lady at the bus stop. It is all about practicing your conversation skills.

It started because when I was a very little girl I was so painfully shy. I spent a lot of my time with my head buried in the back of my mom or dad's knee when people tried to speak to me. My parents used to tell people what a chatterbox I was at home and how they thought it was funny that I would get so shy around people I didn't know. I decided I needed to force myself to act the same way towards strangers as I did to them at home. I saw their comments as negative criticism; a personality fault they would point out to strangers again and again. I was determined to change.
I started talking to everyone and saying nothing, just as long as I was talking. This made the family start to criticize me in a different way. They gave me unflattering nicknames that pretty much all boiled down to saying "She talks too much."

I would get so upset by how they would tease because I thought I was only doing what they wanted. So then I switched gears again and made it a point to go for hours without saying a word. I would watch the clock and count the words I would have to speak if I spoke. I would count the words that they were speaking and compare their numbers to mine in my head. I would only speak when someone spoke to me. Only answer direct questions if I had to verbally. I would shake my head if I could get away with a simple yes or no answer.
The thing is, no matter how long I would remain mute, the second three words came out of my mouth they would say, "Oh, there she goes again!" and laugh knowingly to one another.
It was insulting, even to a five year old.
I would try to argue that it wasn't accurate because I only spoke "this number of words" in the last two hours compared to all of the words they had spilled out, the numbers didn't lie, but that mattered not.

When we moved to Alaska, I was 7 and it was a whole new problem for me. I had a horrible midwestern accent. I sounded pretty Fargo if you know what I mean. Everything seemed to come out of my nose and I put an accent on sounds that the other kids didn't. I used words like 'ain't' because that is what everyone used around me while I was growing up. My accent made me sound simple and therefor people thought I was. I picked up some pretty insulting nicknames because of my accent. I was treated like I was slow by certain teachers, that is until I was tested and they realized I was much further ahead than they ever imagined. This time the numbers worked to my advantage.

I had one particular teacher who really changed her attitude towards me after she saw my test scores. She started riding me and correcting my grammar all of the time. She told me that I would probably not like her very much for it then, but when I grew up I would be glad she did this for me. She worked with me every day for the whole school year making me pronounce things over and over and over again until my accent was almost completely gone. To this day I hear her voice in my head if I slip and I don't sound like the rest of my family. Even my little brother has a stronger midwest accent than I do, and he was just a baby when we left!
I think I still sound a touch nasal because that is just where that particular voice comes from and there is no shaking that, but I accent things in the right places for the most part, and I don't ever use the word "ain't" anymore unless I am being silly and even then it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Needless to say, with all of this controversy about the sound of my voice in my most formative years, I was made very self-conscious about speaking. So I play these games where I practice conversing with people in my head.

Now my job is to talk to strangers on the phone every day. Nice.

A poem I wrote, lost, and found again...

The changing face of love
is as inconsistent and dependable as the
changing seasons

As damaged as imperfections wear
With beauty prepared by idle hands

In a sinless act of courage
a bearing of a soul
two naked individuals
-too stunted to persuade growth-
learned that letting go
is the secret to holding on

Not by grasp or grip or feats of strength
or by the measure of a heart

But the gift to recognize
-to know when-
Love is not enough.

This song is threatening to make me cry at work.

"Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite i gave you left a mark"

"All I see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

In my life I've loved them all...

I had the strangest dream last night about someone I have not thought about in a very long time. The mind is such a strange thing. I always find it fascinating what my subconscious will cook up when I don't have control of it. I LOVE waking up asking myself, "What in the heck was that all about?"

No really. I do.

My husband needs to come home soon.

This is the sound of settling...

I just got home from the movies. I went to see Shopgirl. I can’t stop thinking about it. Somehow it tapped into a feeling of sadness or longing or something that I can’t put my finger on. It is just rolling over and over in my mind tumbling down a hill into nothingness with only flashes of clarity.
It was a pretty good movie. I could relate to it all too well.

The weekend went by all too quickly. I had a wonderful time spending loads of QT with some of the most amazing women I know. They are all strong and beautiful and special in their own various ways. I love watching their lives unfold and being there as a sounding board as each thing happens. I love being the only mom, and getting to draw on that when it feels like they need it. I love the amount of love I get in return from them. What completely amazing people I am lucky enough to know and call my friends.

We added two new members to our already too full house. When Darian and Diane came to get me from work on Friday afternoon they told me a story about how they had gone to the pet store and were looking at all of the little furry things. They said when they were looking at the mice there were two that caught their eye and hearts. One was the only black mouse in the whole cage full of little white mice. She was jet black and a little bigger than all of the rest. Darian said she seemed athletic because she just kept running on the wheel like it was going to eventually take her somewhere. They called her Xena. The second was a little white mouse, smaller than to rest who was pushing her little face up against the cage. She was getting along OK, but was missing one of her front legs. They knew in a cage full of perfect healthy mice, a little three legged mouse had no chance of getting adopted and would more thank likely end up snake food. What Darian wanted to do is get the three legged mouse and then get the Xena mouse to protect it. So that is what we did. We named her Tripod.
Xena and Tripod are very happy in their new digs. They both run on the wheel pretty much all of the time. Tripod was a little shy at first but now she is out and about and looks very confident in her new surroundings. They play all day and then they cuddle together and sleep in a sweet little pile at night. The kitties love to watch them run in their wheel. I think they are going to be very happy.

Final count we have three humans and 8 fuzzy things. What can I say? I am a sucker for a sad little furry face.

Yay for Pavo day!

I had a lovely turkey day figuratively and literally. I can't remember a holiday where I looked around the table and saw nothing but beautiful women. When Jon called and I told him who was there he said, "Wow! Now that is a pretty table!"
Indeed!

Jon's mom was at our house and had everything in the oven before Melissa and I were even out of bed. The food was super yummy, some even said it was the best turkey ever! She is the greatest! I wish she lived closer. I bet with her great cooking (mmmmmm pies) I would probably get good and round in no time at all!

The only bummer was that Jeannine's contact decided to go crazy at the last second and she was blind for the day. 'Tis OK, I decided to be lazy and not get dressed up for the day, so it worked out well.
We all ate mass amounts of food and afterwards we had Darian and both of the beautiful Ramadan girls playing Dance Dance revolution. It was quite spectacular!

Melissa and I tried to watch the Muppet's Chrsitmas after everyone went home, but I was not feeling well so after I turned it on for her, I went to take a bath. Instead I got sick. But I must say as soon as I threw up I felt a million times better! First Thanksgiving I actually ate till I puked! Crazy. It must be something about getting older. Can't hold my booze or my food anymore!

All in all it was a really good time and I am really thankful for the lovely people who came over and shared it with me. It really made having my husband away not so bad.

Speaking of him, he called and said he was doing some DJ thing for a party in Sweden. They said he could play anything he wanted, so when it was Jon's turn he said he played about 20 songs off of the two mixed CD's I gave him for our anniversary and his birthday! It was like I was in Sweden DJing with him! Awwwwww...
Apparently I have good taste in music as well because he said a lot of people were asking him about songs they really loved but had never heard like Rosie Thomas- Wedding Day (Which she dedicated to Jon and I a few days after our wedding at her Showbox show!)

Oh- this morning, I ate pie for breakfast!

Cutest Pavo Day email EVER::

I should be in bed…

I should be a lot of things.

Friday was cool. We went to see The Divorce and Harvey Danger. They both played well, but the soundman wasn’t doing anyone any favors. The mic kept cutting out completely or getting louder through both bands. That was really annoying. I spoke to one of the guys from The Divorce this morning (also happens to be my friendly neighborhood barista) and he said they were cutting out in his monitors as well. It was obviously armature hour as far as the sound was concerned. The show was in a tent and they only served beer. (Yuck!) The major upside; I got to see two great bands and I was happy to hear how well the new members of HD have meshed with the band. (and it was free!)

Saturday was a blur. I really didn’t do much of anything. Darian and I watched The Skeleton Key. Not too bad, not too great, just right for a cold Saturday night.

Today:
My neighbors alarm was going off really loud this morning. Nothing like waking up ass early on a Sunday, being forced to beat on the wall after your phone call doesn’t work, only to have the alarm turned off, and then calm down get just on the edge of sleep, and have the alarm start going off again.
All I am saying is if an alarm is going to go off that loud and that long there best be a person in need of an ambulance! I am thinking of having their bedroom soundproofed for them for Christmas. It made for a VERY cranky Michelle this morning. Jon called and I about bit his head off. I explained what had happened and called him back after I was caffeinated. A visit from Jeannine and life was all good again.
After I got over my initial crankiness, Jeannine and I decided to take a trip to the pet store. I have this vision of a gerbil complex I have wanted to build. The other day I bought the biggest aquarium, the trick was how was I going to connect this huge 3 foot x 1 ½ foot aquarium to the 4 story complex they are already in? The answer was simple, after trips to two different pet stores and a trip to the office supply store for foam core and a blade.
I am thrilled to say I have crafted the greatest Gerbil palace of all time. I will take a photo of it and post it at some point. Those two little critters now live in a complex that is about 4 feet long and has 4 stories and is connected by some very complex tubes that even have a loop-de-loop. Yeah, they are styling! It took them a while to venture over to the larger area, but after they investigated the tubes a few hundred times they finally went through them and are now having a great time running between the two places.
All I could think since I got them was, “If I only lived 3-4 years, would I REALLY want to be confined to a teeny tiny cage with nothing but a wheel to entertain me?”
The answer is NO! So I have built them a Gerbil Palace where they can live out their golden years.

This is why I should not own pets. They make me feel guilty and that guilt leads to palaces for rodents; cute fuzzy, gerbally rodents, but rodents nonetheless…

Lost and found 47 years later...

Strange thing happened today. I went outside to move my car since it was parked in a two hour spot and the neighbor clued me in he saw the dreaded meter maids snooping in the hood.  There was a letter wedged into the top of the driver’s side door.  It was very intentionally left there for me.  I take the letter and look at the address.  It is addressed to someone in Renton, WA and it says Air Mail all over it.  It has the super thin paper like letters from Europe have sometimes.  The name on it is Mrs. H.S. Eastman.

I think to myself, “That’s weird, it must have been on the ground and someone thought it belonged to me.”

Being the overly curious little kitty cat that I am, I could not help but take a look at the letter since it was already opened after all.  I start to skim over it and realize it is a letter to “Grandma” from a woman who is thanking her for watching her kids while they are traveling.  Mentions having dinner with friends in New York, one of whom writes for Life Magazine!  Then she is going over all sorts of day to day family things and then mentions how Thanksgiving went for them.  I went back to the first page and realized it was dated “Nov. 28^th” I thought, “Wow, this must have sat in someone’s car for a year!

I then read more and it says, “For Thanksgiving they went on a club tour and went to a place called the Copacabana (a dinner theatre) The Village Barn and The Hawaiian Room of the Lexington Hotel.  She writes, “They were all different and very interesting!”

I start thinking this sounds all too Rat Pack and decide to look at the post mark.  This letter was mailed November 29^th 1958!! It was mailed via Air Mail with a 7 cent stamp from NYC!

 

Some interesting facts from the letter:

It was written on stationary from the Hotel Algonquin on 59 West 4^4th Street, New York 36, NY

Click here for the very interesting hotel history.

 

It mentions two of their friends they are hanging out with; Paul O’Neill apparently a writer for Life Magazine and Chuck Garrett also some kind of writer. (Both of whom I have found online)

 

It was signed by Hazel & Steve.

 

1958 means they missed Martin and Lewis by a couple of years, but after a little google investigation seems Peggy Lee was playing there at the time as well as Tony Bennet!

 

She ended the letter by saying they were on their way to DC next. 

 

 

Now what to do with this very fascinating piece of history?  Why was it stuck in my car?  Was it meant for me? What are the chances that "Grandma" is still alive?

Holy Satsuma Batman!

Those wee oranges that I LOVE LOVE LOVE are in season and on sale for $3 at QFC starting this week! It is one of the reasons I love this time of year. I am so happy!

The problem with dating musicians...

There are songs out there in the world that were written about me during times where I could have been described as a girl behaving badly. It was never intentional, I was just a victim of my own head/confusion. BUT, I was wrapped up in a relationship with one musician or another at the time and now there are these songs...
I think they are great songs, and some days I can listen to them without even blinking, but some days the guilt sets in. The cringe of knowing that you hurt someone and now that time will always live on in a song. It is like you can never run from your mistakes when they have been so eloquently recorded, you can't just throw them away.
The funny thing is there are more love songs than angry songs and the love songs sometimes have the same effect on me.

One year down & it is still freezing in here!

Today is my one year anniversary at my job. It doesn't seem like I have been here for a full year, but I have. That means I have vacation time/sick days again! Thank goodness, because I was starting to loose my mind knowing no matter how sick I get I don't get to take a day off. My last illness following the NYC trip was dealt with by large consumption of Dayquill and Nyquill and forcing myself to make it through each day.
I have learned a lot in the last year. Less about advertising and more about people. I have always worked in positions where I deal with some part of the public on some level. This job has opened me to a different audience than the last job. The last job I spoke to a lot of retail buyers and sales people and snowboarders. This job I deal with a lot of apartment managers, musicians and a certain type of random Seattlite that I just can't categorize (unless I use the phrase bleeping crazy)
The office politics are also quite different here than any place I have ever worked. All I will say on a public forum is that I have seen a different type of office dynamic than I ever knew actually existed. It has had its ups and downs, but I finally feel like I figured out how to work with/in the dynamic. I just had to let go of every notion I had of working in an office from before and start from scratch. Not a bad thing, just different.

I've also learned that no matter where you work, large or small corporations, they will never get the office temp right and it will always be freezing in the office!

The only real let down was that I didn't move up to more vacation at one year like I thought I would. It turns out that that doesn't happen until two years. I guess I didn't read the fine print.