Isn't she pretty?

Jon just gave me this as an early Valentine's Day gift! It was a total surprise & something I have been wanting since I first saw it.
HOORAY for surprises!
HOORAY for red!
HOORAY for Jon!

Things I remember:

The round cookie tin that was always filled with butter cookies and coconut cookies that my Grandma kept hidden in her stove.
How my grandma’s house always smelled of fresh brewed coffee.
The old radio that sat on the little kitchen table that she always had on in the early mornings.
The lipstick ring on her pale yellow cups.
The well used deck of cards that sat on the table.
The sound of her shuffling the cards when she played solitaire.
The cute little cheer she did when she would win.
How she gave me my own deck and taught me how to play.
The strong fresh soap smell in her brightly colored bathroom.
The little metal pin curl clips she used to pin her hair under her transparent bonnet.
The soft bristle brush that sat on the counter.
The special lava soap that my grandmother called “Grandpa’s special soap” (He worked at a service station and would get grease under his nails.)
The distinct sound of her laugh and her slightly raspy voice.
How she would cover her feet with her quilt when she would lay down to watch her shows in the afternoon.
How she would snore quietly as soon as her shows started and wake up just in time for them to end.
The little Snoopy dime holder she kept in the window over the sink, when it was full it was $5, she said she used it for our birthday cards.
When I was really young she was the first person I would see early in the mornings.
She would wake me up and ask me if I planned to sleep all day.
I remember her hands while she was using the clothespins to hang sheets on the lines. She had very graceful hands.
I remember her smell, and how it didn’t change whether I was 8 or 18 (the last time I saw her) It was a mix of fresh coffee and soap and her.

I still remember a lot about her, I only wish I got the chance to know her better.

Walnut & all of his cuteness

Just because...

Because you can...
Sing because you have a voice
rejoice in the voice you were given

Breath not only because you have lungs
but because the air is sweet and it is a gift

Run and dance and play
If your body can move, make it celebrate

Touch and hug and kiss and truly enjoy the ecstasy that is feeling

Love because you can

Hurt because sometimes you have to

Forget because that too is a gift

My whole childhood was a dress rehearsal for this life.

This weekend my daughter was complaining that she was bored. I have tried to explain to her that it is her job to find something to do to entertain herself, and I know for a fact that she has plenty to do. I think that when she is saying she is bored, she is more trying to tell me that I need to spend some quality time with her, which is fine.
So, we got to talking about life, and things that I liked to do when I was her age. It has been about a hundred years since I thought really long and hard about any of it. I remembered that when I was just a little bit younger than she is right now I was obsessed with playing house with my best friend. When we still lived in the apartment complex, she lived upstairs and I lived downstairs. We had a bell that we connected between our bedroom windows with a string so we could get each other attention any time of the night. If the bell rang we would stick our heads out the window and talk. Her mother was deaf, so it was not a problem for her when I rang the bell, but my parents were not deaf, so we had to try to be a little more sly when she rang me.
During the day we would take our dolls and all of our doll clothes and set up house on the landing in the stairwell between the apartments. We would spend entire days out there pretending to be mommies to our favorite dolls.
When we got a little older we started to construct really intricate doll houses out of cardboard boxes. I'm surprised that neither of us went into architecture as adults because I remember some of the houses we built were pretty complex. In my house there was always a mommy and a very elaborate baby activity area. The houses I built were very child centered.
As I was telling my daughter all of this she was laughing like she could not believe that all I ever did was sit around and pretend to be a mommy with my friends. I asked her if she ever played house. It suddenly occurred to me that she has never really been attached to any baby dolls like I was a kid. I mean she had a few favorite toys, but they were stuffed Pokemon, not babies.
She said that the closest she ever came to playing house was when, in Kindergarten, she enjoyed organizing the cupboards of the playhouse at the school. She said that it would frustrate her though, because as soon as she was done the other kids would mess it up. (I almost said, "Welcome to motherhood.")
This leads me to wonder about other mothers I know. I know a few that are not natural mothers at all. They do all right, but you can always tell that they would rather be doing something else. They seem more duty bound than anything else. I always get the feeling that they feel like they are doing their time. If given the chance to do it over they would probably choose not to have become parents.
I wonder if they played with dolls when they were kids? Is it something that is a little more predestined than I had originally thought? Are good mothers born and not made after having kids? Are not such good mothers really going against their own nature to do what they think they are supposed to do since they are women?
I'm sure there is no simple black and white answer, it was just something to contemplate on a lazy Sunday. Personally, I've always believed that the one major thing that makes a good parent is having a strong sense of empathy.

Life. Is. Good.

1st- I got to see Amie today which always makes for a good day.

2nd- I was on the bus with my girl and she turned to me out of the blue and said, "Mom, out of the two Elvis', I think Costello is way better than the other guy." I had to text several people right away. I told her I could not be more proud and that my job is done. There is nothing more to teach her.
To which she replied, "Mom, you are so weird."

3rd- On a whim, in the mall, I decided to try on jeans. This is something I normally hate with a burning passion so I just don't do it. Not only did I buy jeans that were two sizes smaller than the last time I went shopping, but they look great! I almost fainted. I was so excited that I changed into them right then and wore them for the rest of the day! Hooray for making healthy lifestyle changes and having them finally pay off!

4th- Darian and I are still on our personal mission to see every romantic comedy that comes out in 2007. We are hoping to see one every weekend. The last few have been sorta hrmph, but today's was a very pleasant surprise. We saw "Because I said so." (I can almost hear a few of you groaning. Don't worry, Jon already groaned at me for it, but she is 12 people, come on! It is better than some of the cartoons I've had to sit through!) It actually had some pretty charming and funny moments. It is worth a rent when you are feeling girly.

5th- I found a really interesting looking book at the book store, I'm going to read it tonight.

6th- There will be an acoustic Posies show in Seattle on May 11th. Details to come. I finally got permission to mention it!

Life is good.

Let me tell you about the time my heart stopped.

My daughter and I have a few routines that we enjoy. One of them is our weekend movie/bookstore routine.
Every few weeks she and I will go see a movie together and after the movie we will go to the book store. She is an avid reader so she tears through books really fast. She already has a pretty impressive bookcase in her bedroom for being as young as she is.
Generally how it goes is; we go into the bookstore of our choice that day, she goes to the section with the books she likes to read and I go over to the section with the books I like to read. I usually already have in mind exactly what I am going to pick up, so it doesn't take me very long to decide. She likes to flip through each book and read the backs, or open it up and read a few pages in the middle to see if it is what she wants.
Most of the time these book stores will have some form of a coffee cart or a cafe so I will go over and buy my Latte and her Chai and will meet her back by her books to tell her that time is up and we need to go pay. (If I didn't do this, she would be looking all day.)
On this particular trip I went and purchased our drinks and meandered back over to where she is always standing and she was GONE!
I didn't panic right away. At first I said her name and peeked around the high bookcases. I said her name again a little louder this time running a full circle around them. Then I saw a man briskly walking out of the store who I remembered seeing looking in the same section as she was when I left her there, I also noticed an emergency exit to the store right next to the shelves that I had not ever noticed before.
At this point my imagination has imagined this man having something to do with why I can't find her. In my mind he had shoved her out the emergency door to a waiting villain in a windowless van and was rushing to meet them out back.
At this point I start shouting her name really loud, I feel like I am going to throw up and I am just about to go running after this man when I hear, "Mom! I'm right here! Gaawwwd! You don't have to shout!"
And there she was, standing right in front of me looking both seriously annoyed with me and pretty embarrassed. The most beautiful person I have ever seen, all pissed off and everything.
It took me every ounce of strength to not throwm my arms around her and burst into tears right then. The adrenaline rush had already started, so I felt almost the same as I did the last time I was the passenger in a major auto accident where no one was hurt. We had to sit down for about five minutes so I could regain my composure.
It turns out she already knew what she was going to get, so this time she decided to go find me. The bookcases are really high so we passed each other on opposite sides and didn't know.

So, this time it was OK. This time she was safe and I was just an overreacting mother, and I am OK with that.
It ended up being a good thing though, because it made us revisit the topic of stranger danger and why you should always keep your cellphone on and charged and "What to do if..."

That was the longest couple of minutes of my life.

Since my mom did it...

This is a quiz my mom took. I decided to take it too so I would have something to post. :-)

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

What's Your Personality Type?

Random street conversation

I just walked past two guys talking on the street.
All I heard was, "It was like a toe doing a thumb's job."

It made me giggle.

Pan's Labyrinth (El Laberinto del Fauno)

I just got back from watching this movie. It is absolutely beautiful and sad and did I mention beautiful? It is not even opening night and the theatre was packed and the audience clapped in parts and laughed in parts and got uncomfortable in parts and clapped at the end and we all cried.
*sigh*
Go see this movie. Now.


Tonight I am going to go see Flannel Pajamas. We'll see how that goes. The reviews are so mixed I don't know what to expect, but I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Best of 2006 (Finally getting around to it)

The best Rock show I saw in 2006:
Most definitely Ben Folds at The Paramount. Perfection.

The best acoustic show I saw in 2006:
Jon Auer and Harvey Danger at Cafe Largo

The best record I bought in 2006:
Regina Spektor - Begin to Hope

Best guilty pleasure song of 2006:
Justin Timberlake - Sexyback

Best sappy chick song of 2006:
Breath Me - Sia

Best Mixed CD of 2006:
Antithesis Xmas (Still need to give to several of my friends. Oops!)

The best dinner I ate in 2006:
Ceders in the U- Best Indian food ever- always and forever- foodgasm

Best breakfast in 2006:
Sourdough Mining Co in Alaska. All you can eat brunch buffet of anything
you could imagine. SCARY!

Best party of 2006:
My Birthday party!

Best surprise visit of 2006:
Mira came to visit from London!

Best trip of 2006:
The week we spent in Alaska

Best Girl's Night in 2006:
Drunken Karaoke at Shin Lin with Licia, Amie & Holly followed by a slumber
party.

Best surprise random DVD rental of 2006:
9 Lives (I bought it right away)

Best movie I saw in the theatre in 2006:
Little Miss Sunshine

Best play I saw in 2006:
The Pillowman

Best Ballet I saw in 2006:
The PNB Nutcracker

Best trashy airplane read (purchased at the airport at the last second) of 2006:
The Devil Wears Prada

Best series finale (on DVD) of 2006:
The finale of 6 Feet Under. I could not stop crying.

Best outfit of 2006:
My new years outfit that I found at a vintage store on accident.

Best lipstick of 2006:
Mac- Viva Glam

Best time killer in 2006:
The Sims 2 (How I wish I would have never discovered this game)

Best PS2 game of 2006:
Dance Dance Revolution (I totally kick ass at this game now! It also has become a major source of cardio in my life! Guitar Hero is a close second, will probably make the 2007 list.)

Proudest mommy moment of 2006:
Parent Teacher conferences. My kid is so awesome!

To Be Continued...

Baby Love! Welcome Wasabi & Walnut!

Today we got a new baby. After losing the two mice in December we had a sad and empty habitat. We were at the pet store today and totally fell in love with this little baby Dwarf Hamster. The photo is not him, but looks like him. He is just settling in, so I didn't want to give him a photo shoot just yet.
We named him Wasabi!
I'm excited to learn more about Dwarf Hamsters as I have never had one before today. Their diets are almost identical to gerbils, but they don't like to share space like Gerbils do. We were originally getting two babies but the pet store lady said they don't like sharing when they reach adulthood. Oh well.
He is so cute! He doesn't have a tail and he has the cutest little tushie when he waddles around the cage.
Hooray for cute and fuzzies!

EDIT*
We have a 2nd Dwarf Hamster now. After we got home last eve I did some research and it turns out the lady who swore that we should not have two was wrong. This is true with the more common breed, but the breed we have is a social breed and prefers to have a friend! So I had Jon run back to the pet store this morning and buy one of Wasabi's brothers. Now we have Walnut. He is a lighter color than Wasabi. I went home for lunch to hang out with them. They are so cute hanging out together. Like two fuzzy little peas in a pod!

Kiss the Cook!

I love to cook and I am quite good at it. I don't do nearly enough of it but part of my whole "2007 thing" is that I want to start cooking more and I want to post new recipes on here as I make them. (If I really like them that is.)
Tonight I made halibut. Over the summer we went to Alaska and I caught a bunch. We put it in the freezer and we have been slowly defrosting it and eating it every couple of weeks. Since we have a lot of it, and since I caught it myself, we try to find creative ways to cook it up. Since I have a lot of Alaskan readers, and I know all real Alaskans have a freezer full of fish (Unless you don't eat things with a face) I thought you might appreciate this recipe. I found it online and it turned out really yummy. Even Darian cleaned her plate and she is the pickiest eater ever. Jon said it was restaurant yummy. Cool!

HALIBUT WITH CILANTRO AND LIME

1 pound halibut, tuna, or swordfish steaks
2 tablespoons fresh lime juice (I just squeezed half a lime over the halibut chunks in the strainer)
1/4 cup low-sodium soy sauce (I would use slightly less than this)
1 teaspoon cornstarch
1/2 teaspoon minced fresh ginger (Make sure it is fresh, it really makes a difference)
1/2 teaspoon vegetable oil (I used a smidge more when adding the fish)
1/2 cup slivered red or yellow onion
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 cup coarsely chopped cilantro

Cut halibut into 1-inch pieces; sprinkle with lime juice. Blend
soy sauce into cornstarch in cup until smooth; stir in ginger. Heat
oil in wok or large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Add onion
and garlic; stir-fry 2 minutes. Add halibut; stir-fry 2 minutes
or until halibut is opaque. Stir soy sauce mixture; add to wok.
Stir-fry 30 seconds or until sauce boils and thickens. Sprinkle
with cilantro. Garnish with lime wedges, if desired.

Makes 4 servings.


As a side I made a "salad" which was just red, yellow, and orange peppers cut into spears and drizzled with veggie oil and a really nice *aged balsamic vinegar. (I would have added some sesame seeds to the peppers if I had any on hand, but it was fine without them.)

I squeezed a fresh lime over the whole dish before I served it. It was very fresh and yummy. It had an almost summer vibe. If I had to change anything I would have probably used a little less soy sauce. Just a smidge less, otherwise it was great. Also, you have to keep a close eye on your fish, because it is really easy to overcook halibut! I've been doing it long enough to know, but some people overestimate the cooking time when they are used to working with larger fillets and not 1 inch pieces.
A helpful hint when cooking fish in a skillet. Plate the food just as it is finishing. DO NOT leave it in the skillet because even if you turn the heat off, the pan is still hot enough to continue cooking it. You will go back for seconds and have rubbery fish!

*I can't stress how much difference a nice Balsamic makes. I think people who dabble in cooking should really consider taking their balsamic as seriously as some people take their wine. Would you rather drink a $5 bottle of wine or a $20 bottle of wine or a $60 bottle of wine? Trust me, a small investment in a good balsamic really makes a world of difference and you can really make it last because a little goes a long way, so it is worth the investment! You can find some really decent ones for around $20. (But if you are anything like me you will start working your way up the Balsamic ladder because you will see what a difference there can be! It is a true art.)

I'm gonna see the movies of my dreams...

We have snow again. (of course)

All week I have been looking forward to shooting the rest of my footage for the video I am making. It is all outdoor footage that I have left to shoot. With the snow on the ground it messes up the shots. It will change things for the shots I already did last weekend and make it hard to make it all look like the same day.
How I see it, I have two choices:
I can either wait another week (which is really hard for me. I HATE waiting for anything. I'm just not good at it)
OR I can re-shoot and re-edit everything I already shot outdoors. (This sucks because I am a little lazy and don't feel like doing it all over again.)
I guess I could throw in a third choice where I just don't care if it looks like it is on different days, it changes the story a bit but I'm the one who is writing the story so I could change it...
Hmmmmm... What to do? What to do?

I just hate waiting. I want to do it now while I am still inspired to do it. I like to ride waves of inspiration, if I wait too long, I lose my inspiration and it takes me forever to get back on track. (I'm pretty fickle)

Also, if you know of any good (free) Podcasting hosting sites (Think youtube for podcasters) please send the info my way. As soon as I find a host site I have quite the treat for you. Something I have been working on in my secret laboratory! (I'm trying to stay on track for 2007, can you tell?)

Happy 10th anniversary Seattle! It has been an interesting affair.

Ten Years ago today I started renting a one bedroom apartment in Seattle's lovely Capitol Hill area. It was not the first time I lived in Seattle, but it is the first time I lived here alone (well sort of, I had a two year old) I had been visiting Seattle a lot between 1994 and 1997 but I knew it was time to just take the plunge and move here for good.
I was getting ready to start school for Audio Engineering and music business (Hahahahaha) and I was ready to start my life as a young mother. I had been hibernating in Alaska from the time my daughter was born up until this point.
Things were very exciting, my options were limitless, everything was possible and I had dreams bigger than the world. I had a very Zen way of thinking back then where I just decided that if I stayed positive, life would give me what I needed when I needed it, and for the most part that stayed true for me for a long time.
I called Jon the day my phone got turned on to tell him I lived here now and to invite him to come see my band play. It had been over a year since we last said goodbye. It turns out he was living five blocks from my new place. He told me that we could not be friends. It felt like my welcome to Seattle was getting the door slammed in my face. My heart broke right then and stayed that way for a very very long time.
I was playing bass in a really loud band that I somehow convinced to move up here with me (Probably because the singer was in love with me, but that is another story where I am the villain so I won't share.) I had my rent paid up for a few months and had zero furniture.
The first few nights Darian and I crashed in sleeping bags on the floor of the apartment. We ate out of containers from the deli and just generally kicked back and started to get things sorted. Eventually we filled the apartment with thrift store furniture. My dad was kind enough to let me use his credit card to fill my kid's area of the room with toys and furniture.
I bought a crappy brown 1979(?) Toyota Corolla for $400 sight unseen and it was waiting for me in the parking lot when I got to Seattle. I remember that back then I was just excited that it had a tape deck that worked. I was lucky that it actually worked too. I ended up driving that car until the doors were literally falling off. It never broke down.
I learned how to drive in the city in that car. The I-5 was an accidental experience. Talk about trial by fire! I took a turn that put me on a freeway entrance. I found myself driving down the busiest, craziest road I had ever driven on in that clunky old car. I managed to survive and now I am OK with driving on the freeway.
My first big lesson in the big city.

I needed to figure out daycare for when school started. I really had no clue as to what I was going to do. I had a couple of friends who had moved here from Alaska about eight months before me, but they had the same daycare issues as I did. I was extremely lucky with an ex boyfriend of mine showed up on my doorstep. We were never too serious back "in the day" and we had always remained friends when the romatic protion had ended.
He was an artist and had moved from Alaska to pursue that dream for a while. I made a deal with him that if he watched my daughter when I went to school and for band practice and shows I would let him live at my place for free. That way he could focus on his art and I didn't have to use daycare I didn't trust and that I couldnot afford. We knew we could be in close quarters without driving one another nuts and we already got the possibilities of romance between us out of our systems ages ago, so it seemed like a win win situation.
It worked too. We never even had one fight in the two years he lived there.
We turned my tiny one bedroom apartment into a three person abode for two full years without incident. He did date pretty much every one of my female friends, but I think that was considered more of a perk by him than anything else.
He eventually fell for a girl and had to leave town. It was sad to see him go, but we knew we could not live "commune style" forever.
I didn't really date much during that time. I went out to dinner a lot, had a few first kisses, but it never went beyond that. I sometimes wonder if it is because of the living situation. At the time it never occurred to me, but in hindsight...
Here I am taking boys home to meet the family, "Here is my toddler. And who's that guy who lives in the living room? Well, that is my ex boyfriend who is just my friend now so you don't have to worry. He watches my daughter for me."
Yeah.
Back when I was young I just assumed that if there was nothing going on, people should just trust it and be OK with it. I honestly didn't even think about it back then. I just figured people who didn't understand were stupid. Ah, the hard head of youth.

Honestly, I was so busy during that time, the very last thing I wanted in my life was a boyfriend. I went out on a lot of first dates in that first year in Seattle. Some of those dates turned into some of my best guy friends, but rarely did I ever feel a romantic spark. Like I said, I was in school, in a band, working PT and just too busy. And for me, I've always been a bit of a serial monogamer. The minute I get into a relationship with someone, it feels like I blink and two years are gone. I didn't want that to happen when my daughter was so young. I didn't have the time to deal with someone else's BS. I was also still in love with Jon, who only lived five blocks down the street from me but didn't talk to me anymore. I don't recommend it. Living five blocks from the one person you had ever really loved who doesn't want to see you. It is hell.
During that time I heard a lot of guys tell me "Michelle, you are really nice, but I feel like you are emotionally unavailable."
Well, duh.
I would run into Jon from time to time at clubs, but during that whole time he never came to one of my shows. (Not that I'm bitter) Now, of course, he wishes he had, but at the time...
So other than the fact that my heart was in a state of being perma-broken back then, the rest of my life was pretty peachy.

I started going to Moe and OK Hotel pretty regularly by myself just to watch bands. I had never really gone to live rock shows before I moved to Seattle. Other than the shows I played, which were not many before we moved to Seattle and the Koots cover bands which just don't count. I had been to see fewer national acts than I can count on both hands (The Posies shows where I met Jon being one of those).
I had always been into industrial music when I lived in Seattle in 1992. I mostly went to Goth nights at dance clubs. The few shows I did see were Dead Can Dance and NIN. I didn't revisit my love for Pop and Folk until after I had a baby. I had originally wanted to do sound because I wanted to create all of those crazy Goth/Industrial effects. (Bet you didn't know that.) It is hard to believe now, and honestly, I sometimes rewrite that history a little when meeting new people because it is easier to swallow for them than "Yeah, I used to live for black lipstick and ultra pointy shoes and Coil and Alien Sex Fiend and Skinny Puppy and Bauhaus!"
I used to be what I liked to call the anti-pretty.

Going to shows alone led me to meeting a lot of really nice people right away. I was lucky too, because my band opened for a band called TubeTop in Alaska just before I moved to Seattle. That is how I became friends with Gavin. He took me under his wing and introduced me to a lot of people. He brought me to a lot of parties and I met 90% of the people who are still my friends to date. He also made sure that in those first years, I always had someone to hang out with on my birthday. He was ever the gentleman and is still one of my best friends today.

And that pretty much sets up the scene for my first years in Seattle.

I've changed a lot in the last ten years.
My hair has been the entire color spectrum (It was platinum blonde when I moved to Seattle.)
I realized that audio engineering is not a full time job for a single mom (Too bad I didn't realize that until after I spent $30k on school), music is not a business where a paycheck is involved.
I've watched my daughter go from a baby to a young woman who I could not be prouder of.
I have become a little less wide eyed, trusting and a lot more reserved.
I've made a couple of really bad records and a couple of really good records and one really great record.
I've had crushes, I've been crushed, I've been engaged and I've been married. (And it just so happens that I married the person who was never going to talk to me again)
I lost a few friends to accidents and to disease and I've held someone's hand and watch them literally draw their last breath.
I've watched my reflection change in the mirror and redefined what is important to me and decided I would no longer be defined by that reflection no matter what anyone says to me.
I learned to love myself.
I learned to live for myself and my daughter.
I learned to walk away from bad situations and that I can't fix everything or everyone who asks me for help.
I've lived the roller-coaster of love and loss and love and loss and love....
I've gone to the brink and looked into the nothing and came back swinging.
I've made some of the best friends I could ever dream of making and
I've seen more of the world than I ever imagined I ever would.

For a single mom from Eagle River, Alaska; I've done OK over the last ten years.

Why Brief Encounter is one of the greatest movies ever.

At the end of Brief Encounter, no matter how many times I watch it, the moment when he puts his hand on her shoulder and gives her a quick squeeze and walks out the door I sit at the edge of my seat and hold my breath. I watch her run outside, and I always hope that he will have missed his train this time. I hope that this time he will be standing there waiting for her to come after him. But he never is.
I think that is why I love that movie so much. I love it because, even though I know how it ends, it makes me hope it could end differently. Every time. Without fail.

It is perfect.

(In case you were wondering, I bought myself the all new special edition for xmas, that is why I have been watching it again. If you don't own it already, buy the special edition. Totally worth it.)

I was visited by the ghost of a stupid song...

This entire weekend was all about music. On Friday I went to the studio to play a clarinet solo on my friend Gavin’s new record. I love Gavin’s music so this was a huge honor to be invited to play. My favorite comment of the evening was ‘It is getting very Brian Wilson in here!”
Indeed!
It has been a while since I played but we managed to get a good little solo down. It also inspired me to start playing my clarinet more. I think I might have to start incorporating it into more of my own stuff.

Then Saturday eve Jon and I were going to start recording one of my songs. My plan was to have something up before the New Year but I got really sick and could barely talk, much less sing. Friday was the first day in a while where I thought I might be able to record, so we made a plan.

We started recording a song that I wrote just for home recording. It was super simple and didn’t take too much vocal control. (I am SO out of practice!) I wanted the first one to be fun and not a challenge just to shake the cobwebs out. (I'm also not 100% after having the worlds worst cold. Singing + phlegm = ungood)
I did the guitar track and then just as we finished the vocals Jon played the song back. It sounded really good but… it was just stupid. The song was stupid. I hated the lyrics. I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote it. The lyrics were just silly and I was not about to show it to anyone until I did a major rewrite.
So after we had wasted an hour or three on that (sorry Jon) I told him to scrap it. By then I was getting tired. So we started messing around with a song idea that I had. As the night turned into morning, the song progressed into a very experimental sounding tidbit. Jon put some heavy effects on my jazz clarinet part making it sound like space talk. Jon played a teeny little keyboard for what was originally a guitar part. I played the guitar parts and I sang. Jon did some human beat box drum sound on it too. The end result sounded like we were sitting around in a cloud of smoke while writing this stuff. Twas not the case, but I am sure sleep deprivation and red wine had a lot to do with it.

R.I.P. Tripod Mouse

Our poor little Tripod mouse was put to sleep a few minutes ago. She had grown a huge tumor and looked so sad, we knew it was time.
This was really hard for me because we have lost three of them in such a short period of time. It was also more difficult because we had to make the choice to let her go today. It is easier when they go peacefully and naturally. The whole circle of life thing. When it is your time it happens. I expect that and can be OK with that.
When I have to decide that "Today is the day you will die" even though she is just a teeny little mouse, it sucks. Her pure will to live was so strong it was inspiring. She was a little runt mouse who only had three legs. We had to convince the store to sell her to us because she was "Defective"
We brought her home with a big healthy friend. She ran in the wheel and kept up. She outlived the healthier mouse and even after she started to grow a tumor she still ran in the wheel every day and didn't let it slow her down.
Had we not decided to put her to sleep today, I bet she would have lived a really long time. But the tumor was getting so big that she was having trouble getting around and she looked really unhappy dragging it with her. I was afraid it was going to start choking her given the proximity. Being slowly choked to death is no way to go.

I am sad. What is sadder still is that I am going to go home and there will be an empty cage sitting there now that both Xena and Tripod are gone. It will be hard refraining from going to the pet store this weekend. (I am SUCH a sucker for the small and fuzzy things)

We could learn a lot from that little three legged mouse.

One two three four five six seven, all good children go to Heaven

I was bummed that I didn't get any good photos of the stage antics on NYE because I didn't feel like fighting the crowd. I'm so glad my friend Laura (Who is also the owner of my dream camera) did get a great shot or ten. Here is my favorite:

That would be Mr Jon Auer on the left and Mr Sean Nelson on the right.

To see the rest of her NYE photos go here


So this is the new year.
And I don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogues bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then I could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that can hold us back.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back...
-DCFC

Brief Encounters with the Twilight Zone

New Years Eve was a lot of fun. Got to see Harvey Danger bring the rock (AKA one of my favorite Seattle bands) and as an added bonus Jon went up and played the 2nd half of Abbey Road with HD and the Awesome guys.

It was perfection.

There were a couple of blog-worthy moments in the “What were you thinking” department last eve:

There was one drunk and very strange foreign man that propositioned me to have sex with him for money. He was pretty determined to get my attention as well. At first I laughed at him and asked him if he was trying to be funny, but after he followed me around the room for a few minutes and kept pestering me I finally pointed him out to security.

A few moments after security made foreign fah-reak-o leave me alone another guy comes up to me and asks, “Is your online name Leather Pants?”
“Um, What?”
“Is your online name Leather Pants?”
“No. Sorry dude. I’m not Leather Pants, in fact I don’t believe I’ve ever owned leather pants.” (har har)
”Are you sure it isn’t you? Where are you from?”
“Listen, I’m sure I am not this person you think I am.”
"She is an online dominatrix from Colorado. Where are you from? Are you from Colorado?” He demands
OK, so he was being polite but I could tell by his tone he had convinced himself that I was this person and I was just playing coy. So I just politely yet firmly set him straight and walked off. He didn’t talk to me again for the rest of the night but he did hover in the background and kept looking at me suspiciously.

So not only did I look like a hooker, but I also looked like a Dominatrix. And here I was going for Old Hollywood, not Hollywood Blvd. Ah, such is life in the city.
I’m a freak magnet. I wonder if there is a support group?


After the show, I got home, uploaded my photos from the night and watched the Twilight Zone marathon. I stayed up until around 7AM and decided I need to try and get a little rest.

Every time I tried to lay down I could not find sleep. My mind was racing with thoughts of what I want out of this New Year. I kept going over and over all of the possibilities. I was planning and plotting and so on.
I understand that it is just a calendar changing, but since it is a milestone that is celebrated worldwide, as cliché as it sounds, I think it is the perfect time to ponder your life and make a game plan.

I finally got up, took a long shower and turned The Twilight Zone back on for a while. Eventually I caught a 3 hour cat nap and went to brunch with the family after the kid rolled out of bed.

After we returned from food I retreated to my room to spend some time working on a song I had planned to record today. Sadly, because I was sick all last week, my lungs are not too strong today. I kept coughing about midway through the songs. I ended up putting off recording this afternoon.

Bummer.

Instead I stayed in my bed all day with my guitar lying next to me while watching old Twilight Zone episodes and old black and white movies.

I watched one of my all time favorite movies; Brief Encounter. When it ended I immediately watched it again with the commentary on.
When the commentary was over I stared at the ceiling and contemplated the universe, my life, and every decision, missed opportunity and pretty much everything I’ve ever done since childhood.
There is a reason I try to only watch that movie once a year.

happy new year Y’all

The warmth of your love
is like the warmth of the sun
and this will be our year
took a long time to come

don't let go of my hand
now darkness has gone
and this will be our year
took a long time to come

and I won't forget
the way you held me up when I was down
and I won't forget the way you said,
"Darling I love you"
You gave me faith to go on

Now we're there and we've only just begun
This will be our year
took a long time to come

The warmth of your smile
smile for me, little one
and this will be our year
took a long time to come

You don't have to worry
all your worried days are gone
this will be our year
took a long time to come

and I won't forget
the way you held me up when I was down
and I won't forget the way you said,
"Darling I love you"
You gave me faith to go on

Now we're there and we've only just begun
and this will be our year
took a long time to come

Yeah we only just begun
yeah this will be our year
took a long time to come

-The Zombies

2006: I am a butterfly.

2006 was all about the people.

Goodbye to 2006.

If 2006 had a running theme it would be one that was about interpersonal relationships. I learned more about people this last year than I have in the past several years.

It certainly had its ups and downs and moments of definitive pain and sadness but I am happy with how the year is ending. It is ending with me in a place where I know exactly what I need and expect from the people I consider a part of my inner circle and I know what I will and will not tolerate. I feel stronger and more confident than I have in years. I feel like I am coming out of a long sleep or nightmare with the end of this year.

Highlights and lowlights:

- New Years Eve was pretty magical last year. It was the first time in a long time where I thought everything might have a chance at being OK. I celebrated with good friends and good times. The year looked like it was going to be a great one.

- Jeannine and I experimented with some pretty bizarre natural healing things in the beginning of the year. (can you say Colon Hydrotherapy... um let's just not talk about it.) Had several nights of eating frites and looking at cute hipster boys.

- I got lied to and completely screwed over by three of my closest friends. Came to terms with it and will leave all memories good/bad of them behind with 2006. My break up with my best friend was one of my hardest breakups in the history of breakups for me because I really thought we were best friends. It was hard, but it is behind me now.

- Acquired a stalker.

- Spent time with my mom that was really good. Didn't want to leave.

- Had one of the best birthdays I’ve had in years!

- Got to meet Mira in person!!!

-Watched my daughter change from a little girl to a young woman right before my eyes.

-Had some pretty epic and life changing talks.

-Created the Trump Towers of gerbil land.

-Lost three very beloved pets: Xena Mouse, Kodo Gerbil, and Gala Kitty. It was almost as hard for me as losing people, for real.

-Kodo finally had a litter of babies that survived and are now happily carrying on her legacy which makes it easier to deal with the fact she is gone.

-Got into fight with not one, but two boys trying to mistreat my girlfriend. Decided I'm getting too old to be a kneecap buster.

-Went to Los Angeles for the first time and went to my first VIP celebrity filled party. realized it was sort of boring and really not nearly as fun as Seattle.

-I got to know my brother and his wife better. I am looking forward to them being in my life a lot more down the road. They are good people. It is nice being friends with someone who grew up in the same childhood that I did. It makes me feel less alone. I almost forgot that I wasn't alone.

-I spent a LOT of time alone and I discovered the SIMS which is a good and bad thing. Took out a lot of my agressions on The SIMS. If you made me angry in 2006 I probably turned you into a SIM at some point. ;-) Heehee. They are like electronic Voodoo Dolls. I've created a town called New Seattle. Be afraid.

-Watched two women that I hold in the highest regard meet wonderful men and finally get treated with the love and respect I always knew they would find some day. This warms my heart.

- Found out that I am going to be an Aunt. I can hardly wait.

-Discovered I have a great love for photography and hamming it up for the camera.

-I gained 20 and then lost 30 pounds and I am starting 2007 healthier and in better shape than I have been in since 1998. It feels really good and I look and feel years younger than I did even a few months ago. And I am not done getting fit. I am going to take it all the way this time.

-I finally changed my hair color and I discovered that I CAN wear red lipstick after a 30 year ban on it. It was all a matter of confidence which I suddenly have a lot more of.

-Started picking up my guitar again, wrote some really good songs, sang in front of some people I have a lot of respect for and they actually liked what they heard. I now have the confidence to record and bring music back to the forefront of my life. I've come to grips with the fact that I have talent and I should be proud of it and not let the fact that I suffer from stage fright and lack confidence because of a silly expectation of perfection that I put on myself stop me from doing something that brings me the greatest joy. (It didn't hurt that I co-wrote a song on Jon's record that got some really great press this last year. And I didn't just write lyrics on it like a lot of people thought, I wrote the music and words for the versus and Jon wrote the chorus and arranged it.)

-I wrote more this year and got to a point where I am censoring myself less and opening up more which has lead to some of the best writing I've done in my life.


2006 was quite the year. Glad it is over.

R.I.P. Kodo

A few hours ago our oldest gerbil passed away. This makes me very sad. She was not only my favorite, but she was our first gerbil and she is the mother of all of the other gerbils we have. (The photo is of Kodo not long after all of her babies were born.) She lived a long and very spoiled life as far as gerbils go. She will be missed.

What a way to end the year.

Family Ties

My older brother and his wife are visiting right now. It has been years since I have had a chance to spend any time with my brother and this is the first chance I have had to get to know his wife Laura. This is also the first time Jon has met one of my brothers.
We have been having fun running around the city for the last couple of days. I did catch a killer cold the day they got here, but I've been a trooper and getting by with loads of Dayquil.
We have had lots of talks and laughs.

Will go into more detail about all of this later. For now here are a couple of photos. (Mostly for my mom's benefit. Look mom, two of your kids in the same city at the same time!! It really has been years.)

Welcome to the monkey house.

The question of the day: How was your Christmas?
The answer of the day: Fine thanks.

If I were a banana, I would be peeled.
Unprotected, open, soft, delicate.

Someday everything I am feeling right now will go into a story and that story will have a happy ending even if that is not the truth. Today I just need some sleep. Only a few more hours before I can go to bed.

And to all a good night...

I have to work in the morning so it doesn't feel like a holiday, it feels like a Sunday. Since Tomorrow is a Tuesday (The deadline day for the paper I work at) I am already getting a headache thinking about tomorrow and how stressful it is going to be, because nobody is going to be at work... well nobody but me that is. :-)

Here is the holiday breakdown before I go to sleep.

Stupid guy ruining friends life left town for the holidays. (Hooray!) Check.
Doing what I can to make sure he never comes back to town. Check.
Went to in-laws. Check.
Ate turkey. Check.
Watched small person open 12 bazillion gifts. Check.
Watched small person dissolve into a world of video games. Check.
Started to clean apartment for impending visitors. Check.
Decided it was just my brother, so it doesn't need to be sparkling, stopped cleaning and decided to actually try to enjoy my ONE day off without obligation this weekend. Check.
Made it through another holiday season without incident. Check.
Make all well wishing holiday phone calls and mail gifts. Tomorrow.

364 more days before we get to do it all over again!
Over and out.

Things I like about the holidays

(Just so I don't come across as a total Bah Humbug)

1- The Nutcracker- went last night. It was just as beautiful as last year.

2- It's a Wonderful Life. I always start watching it around Turkey day and usually once more before New Years Eve.

3- After Christmas sales. It is the time of year I do all of my clothes shopping. There is nothing better than 75% off!

4- Christmas lights on outdoor trees. I wish they were just there all year around and not connected to the holidays. I love how they look, especially the white and the red ones. Not such a big fan of the rainbow lights.

5- White Christmas- I love this DVD. I love watching it in my PJs super early in the morning. Guys were just so cool back then.

6- It is an excuse to buy my kid lots of gifts. This makes her happy and her being happy makes me happy.

And that is it.

2:45 AM

Every morning you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and you say:
"Today I'm going to be happy."
You go through the lists of things in your head that you are going to do right today.
I'm going to eat right
I'm not going to procrastinate
I'm going to pay my bills
I'm going to put up the Christmas tree
I'm going to go Christmas shopping
I'm going to do the dishes
I'm going to do the laundry
I'm going to rehearse that song
I'm going to finish that project
I'm going to be productive
I'm not going to waste time
I'm not going to watch Television
I'm not going to play The Sims
I'm not going to play any number of the online word games I am addicted to
I'm not going to watch DVD's
I'm not going to daydream
I'm not going to daydream
I'm not going to daydream...

Every day starts with the best intentions.
You know what they say about good intentions.
No really, do you know what they say about good intentions?
I used to know, but I forgot and I don't feel like looking it up.


I really wish I liked the holiday season, but I really don't. I don't ever remember liking the holidays. Maybe I did once, but those memories escape me today.
The holidays totally stress me out. I start to get uncomfortable on November 1st and it moves it's way up to a near panic by December 25th. I only look forward to New Years Eve every year because, for me, it is the party that means; "You don't have to do this again for another 365 days! Hooray!"

On a happier note, I went to the doctor last week and it seems I am doing much better than I was this time last year. My ovaries are still pretty much useless and I will never have another baby, and that is OK because I wasn't planning on more anyhow, but the rest of me is a helluva lot healthier. I've been managing my insulin levels better by actually taking my drugs on time every day like I am supposed to and not eating or drinking anything with sugar or alcohol in it since September. This has resulted in me losing 20 something pounds and getting my body back to normal. (I let myself get absolutely chubby over the summer with my overindulging in things my sad little pancreas can't process) It does feel good to have my normal body back again and have my clothes fit right and like how I look naked again. I don't think I will be trying to push that envelope anymore as I am no longer a kid and I have every intention of meeting my future great grand children. Let's just call my summer of overindulgence an experiment in figuring out where the line is. Now I know where it is, and I will respect it.

I think sometimes I forget that even though I am headstrong I am not invincible.

How to spend a Saturday afternoon...

Draw about 100 stick figures and turn them into a music video!
Check it out:

R.I.P. Xena Mouse

She died yesterday. She was about 14 months old which is a long life for a small mouse. In the last few weeks she started to grow some pretty scary looking tumors. They showed up overnight and finally they took over. She was still running in the wheel all the way to the end.

We will miss you little Xena mouse!

I will save you from drowning if you first teach me how to swim. Deal?

My boyfriends don't ever break my heart, it is always my girlfriends that do.

When someone I know and love is hurt I want to come out swinging. I want to take down the problem and put a smile back on their face. I have been known to chase a person down the street if that means protecting the person I love. If you know me, you know this about me.

Right now, as I write this I know that somewhere else in the city a beautiful woman who I love like a sister is sitting with a man who sees her as a meal ticket. He disrespects her, makes her feel less than herself, emotionaly abuses her and belittles her until she really thinks that is all she deserves. All in the name of "love" (and getting his fix and a free place to stay for one more day.)

I wish she could see herself how I see her.

She is a bright and beautiful woman. She has read more books than most people even bother to flip through. She is witty and funny and easy to talk to. She hit a rough patch a while back and got pretty down, but she came out of it. A shining becon of hope that told the world we are not meant to become the relationships we had with our fathers (if they were bad ones) and even with the odds against you, you shall overcome.

By the summer she was actually beaming! She was radiant and looked five years younger. She had kicked smoking, an ugly habit she had for years, she was exercising and she was being healthy. She was promoted at work, her relationship with her family was going great, she was even spending time with her girlfriends again where there was fun and chit chat and laughter and even karaoke, it wasn’t like in the dark days when she only stole moments away to vent about the horrors at home. No one controlling her or breathing down her neck. She was poised for success.

Enter Him.

Him who uses. Him who abuses. Him who lies and lies and lies and lies. Him who is selfish and hateful and doesn’t care about who he hurts. Him who steals and would not blink if he left her homeless. Him who ruins holidays. Him who keeps her away from her friends. Him who isolates. Him who cheats.

HIM.

He was supposed to be a long weekend. An exciting roll in the hay before he left town. A rebound screw. Not the permanant fixture on her sofa and he psyche that he became. Not the reason she started smoking again and is up to a pack a day. Not the reason she started shutting down and shutting out the people who love her. Not the reason she is drunk by noon on a Sunday.

I don’t like him.
I would almost go as far as to say I despise him right now.

She thinks she loves him.

When I think of what he is doing to her, what he has already taken from her I feel a rage, a hurt, a pain in my heart and I don’t know where to put it. I want nothing more than to steal her away and hug her so hard and tell her I love her and say the perfect combo of words that will make her remember how happy she was before HIM. make her remeber the resolve she had two days ago when she made him leave. A week ago when she made him leave. Tomorrow when she makes him leave... but then he comes back.

He knows the perfect combo of words. He hugs her hard and tells her she is all alone without him. How he is the only one she needs and he is the only one who will ever love her.

And he comes back.
And she is all alone again.
And the people who love her are more frustrated, some have even given up.
She is a little more alone.
He has a little more control.

These days she is always tired and looks like she feels 100 years old. Her eyes are red rimmed from crying and I don’t remember the last time I saw her smile. You would never know she was the same radiant beauty from so few months ago if you stood them side by side. I don't remember the last time she hung out with her friends where his drama did not follow. When the last time she just had fun for the sake of fun and not because she was running from him or hiding from him...

HIM HIM HIM

All I can do is cry and worry and feel helpless.

Now I am faced with choices.
None of them sound the least bit appealing.
She is my friend, I feel duty bound to protect her, to stand up for her, and these choices I have to make me feel like I am just ratting her out or giving up on her.

Do I do something that will make her hate me because I love her enough to want to save her?
Do I call the police?
Do I call her mom?
Do I get all of the people who love her together in a room and hold her there until she sees herself the way we see her and realizes that she is not alone and she deserves so much more?
Do I get every woman he ever abused in a room and have them tell her one by one how they all have the same story, how he told each one of them he would change and how he left them to pick up the aftermath when they had nothing left to give him. After he had used them all up.

If I do, would she ever forgive me or would she look back someday when she is radient again and understand that I did it because I really love her so much and I need her to be OK?

Or do I stand by and do nothing? Just watch it all burn to the ground from a safe distance.
If I do nothing can I live with myself?

I would like to do the right thing for my beautiful friend that I love.

I just wish someone would tell me what “the right thing” is right now because I just don’t know anymore.

Look what I made!

The snow came back this afternoon. It melted away during the day and right at 5PM when all the kids were going home from work, it dumped on us. Traffic was backed up so the bus was running late. I made this little snowman to keep me company while I waited and waited and waited...

*EDIT: It seems my mini snowperson was meant for "great" things. I was contacted by a little news website today who are going to use the little guy for a story about the crazy weather we are having in the PNW right now. Fun!

Perfection is for snowflakes and they melt away.

It is snowing. It's a warm snow. I took a long walk. People and cars were moving gingerly through it. (The word gingerly kept coming to mind while I was walking.)
It gets quieter when it snows. No matter where I've ever lived, the snow adds an extra sound buffer, like a rug on a live stage or an egg crate in a practice room.
I love how the snow sticks to people walking in it. It reminds me of sprinkling the cinnamon on my perfectly foamed Cappuccino. Every step there is another photo, symbols of quiet and solitude all around.
I love when I walk through the neighborhood during snowfall. The sidewalks are layered and you can see the footprints of the people who have already walked there. It's an added pleasure when I'm the first to walk down a sidewalk. With each step I scar the delicate lacey blanket of snowflakes leaving something new behind. This excites me in the same way the first cut into a beautiful, artistic birthday or wedding cake does. A poetic and harmless destruction of perfection to create a different kind of sad beauty. This brand of beauty has always appealed to me more than perfection ever could.
When I look back down a street and only see my footprints I momentarily feel like the only person in the whole world. You don't get that feeling living right in the heart of a big city very often, so it is welcome.
For a minute the whole city is clean again. Everything is white with ice crystal sparkles. Soft edges everywhere. If you squint just right, nothing is bad. There is peace.

But my favorite thing about Seattle snow is that I know by the morning it will be gone.
The only Long Winters here play rock music.
This makes me truly appreciate every snowflake and it's own brand of fleeting perfection.

Happy Turkey Day!

Darian and I have ordered dinner and we are going to eat and catch up with The Sopranos! (Note that the photo is us hanging out with Little Steven aka Silvio Dante; Tony Soprano's right hand man!!)

Just wanted to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving.

xoxo

Rainy Sunday

Since it was so gross outside today we did a lot of crafts around my house. I came up with this silly little tour flyer for Jon. I used celebrity magazines to "paint" with over a silly doodle I made.
Jon has not seen it yet so I am curious as to what he will think about having Angelina's lips or Scarlet's nose.

I wish!

So I did one of those celeb face things everyone else is doing. (If everyone else jumped off a bridge...) I will admit I am only posting it because I didn't get anyone too objectionable. I also didn't get any men on mine, which is good. I also didn't get any of the people that people are always telling me I look "Just like"
So here is the silly thing:

Strangerversary

Just wanted to note that today marks two years working at The Stranger.

Really?

Crazy.

Where does the time go?

Proud Mommy

Parent teacher conference day was today.

The teacher gave her all A's. She said that she doesn't have any concerns, no red flags to worry about.
D is a model student and the teacher thinks she should start college courses as soon as she gets into High School. She said D is one of her strongest students and a joy to have in her class.

That's right, she's brilliant.

Snoopy dance.... Hammer time! Uh uh!

Thrifting: A book with no words

I love going to thrift stores. There is a huge one downstairs from my office and a smaller one across the street so I spend many a lunch hour wandering the isles.
My fascination with thrift stores runs a little deeper than just the fantastic deals you find. It is a given that thrift shopping is like treasure hunting. When you find that perfect something for next to nothing it is a total rush.
For me, thrift stores are like reading a book without words. They fuel my imagination and take me on mini mental vacations every time I spend some alone time in one. A lot of people who thrift don't think about the fact that a lot of the things in those places are from people who are no longer alive. The things that are on the shelves, for some, are the only thing left in the world that belonged to them.
I know, they are just things right? But how many of us are totally attached to our things? How many of you have a most favorite shirt or perfect skinny jeans or favorite cozy sweater? These things mean a lot to us. They are our comfort belongings.
I'm sure when my time comes my diamond bracelet, earrings, and wedding rings will go to my daughter. But my favorite outfit would probably mean very little to my loved ones after I am gone and would more than likely end up being donated to a thrift store. They would have no way of knowing how much happiness these small comfort objects gave me.
So when I am perusing the isles of a thrift store I am thinking up stories of the people behind the things. When I find a gorgeous vintage Gucci bag valued at $500 marked with a $10 price tag sitting in a pile of Target duffel bags I think of the woman who owned it and probably cherished it. How she lovingly took care of it and that is why it is still in such great shape after all of these years. How she only used it on her most special occasions. I think about how she might have died. Was she young, was she old, was she alone? I think about the person who dropped it off at the store. Was it a daughter, a friend, a widower, or the people who run the rest home?
I see the wall of wigs and wonder about the women who used to wear them. These are not just Halloween wigs, these are wigs that were expensive and well taken care of. Was it a Cancer patient, an older lady facing hair loss, a trans-gender man? I look at the many empty Oxygen tank trollies lined up in the back of the store and wonder about how many years the owner smoked before they drown inside of themselves. When I come across a piece of clothing that reeks of cigarette smoke I wonder if it belonged to someone who belonged to one of those tank trollies.
When I see loads of brand new baby clothes with tags still attached I wonder about the family who maybe never got to bring a baby home they had been so excited about. I wonder if they donated all of the clothes because they were too painful to keep around.
I find comfort in the knowledge that someday, after I am long gone from this world, maybe someone will still be walking around in my favorite shoes.

My bets are on blue...

My big brother is becoming a father. This will be his first child. (He obviously didn't start as early as I did with the whole baby having thing) Congrats to Brandon and his wife Laura!
For the record, I've decided they are having a boy. I figure I've got a 50/50 chance of being correct!

And here is another one....

This was 120 minutes on MTV back when they still played music on MTV. Also around the time I met Jon (Has it really been 11 years already? Madness!)
They are so cute because they are such a ball of nerves. Oh youth!

Dream all Day...

Someone uploaded this video to Youtube and I just came across it tonight. I forgot how funny it was. All of the smoke and hair.
(For my relatives who read this and have never met him, my hubby is the one singing lead on this song) Oh the days of yor when Seattle was all about hair and Doc Martins.

OMG- gotta love Youtube. No sooner did I post this when I found this one too:

I Heart Gadgets!

Along with my dream camera I have added this nifty little doodad to my wish list.
Gorillapod, a small, flexible tripod tool that can attach itself to just about anything. What a great idea!

More here: http://www.joby.com/

I could not resist! Seattle: Cat Adoption Nov 18th

I saw this as ad of the day on the Stranger website and had to repost it. If you are thinking about adding to your family please head over to this event! I may go just to see all of the little furry faces! (Although I do tend to get new pets every time Jon goes on tour.)

Cat Adoption in Meadowbrook Community Center Nov. 18th
Join us as the Seattle Animal Shelter hosts an off-site cat adoptation at the Meadowbrook Community Center. There will be many cats and kittens of different breeds available for adoption from noon to 3 pm. Adoption fees range from $82 to $87 (payable by check or cash).

Saturday, November 18th
Noon to 3pm

Meadowbrook Community Center
10517 35th Ave NE 98125 (Lake City)

Phone: 206 – 386 - PETS

The most wonderful time of the year...

Satsumas = Mouthgasm

I damn near did a little dance when I saw the boxes stacked in the store this weekend.

And other things that remind me of this time of year: This Red House Painters song just came up on my iTunes.
(This song tends to turn up on a lot of my Fall/Winter mixes)

Song: Have You Forgotten
-Red house Painters

I can't let you be, cause your beauty won't allow me
wrapped in white sheets,
like an angel from a bedtime story
and shut out what they say,
cause your friends are fucked up anyway
and when they come around,
somehow they feel up and you feel down.

When we were kids, we hated things our parents did
we listened low to Casey Kasem's radio show
that's when friends were nice,
to think of them just makes you feel nice
the smell of grass in spring
and October leaves cover everything.

Have you forgotten how to love yourself? [x2]

I can't believe all the good things that you do for me
sat back in a chair like a princess from a faraway place
nobody's nice, when you're older your heart turns to ice
and shut out what they say;
they're too dumb to mean it anyway

When we were kids, we hated things our sisters did
backyard summer pools and Christmases were beautiful
and the sentiment of coloured mirrored ornaments
and the open drapes
look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

May your soda always be fizzy and may your Doritos never be soggy.

Confessions of a 7 year old. (sorry mom) ;-)

When I was little my mom and dad told me I was not allowed to eat my father's Doritos or drink his Coca Cola because it would ruin my dinner and my teeth.

They used to buy the Coca-Cola by the suitcase full, so every now and then I would sneak one out of the fridge in the middle of the night and hide it under my bed. Sometimes I would even take two.

Eventually I had quite the stockpile of soda squirreled away. I would drink the sugary and caffeinated goodness while everyone else in the house were sleeping. Then I would sneak into the kitchen and steal the giant bag of chips. I would eat as many as I thought I could get away with without being noticed and then I would suck the cheese off more of them one chip at a time and carefully line them up on a plate to dry.

When I had my fill of nacho cheese goodness I would dump the cheeseless chips back into the bag and shake the bag to "recoat" the chips with the cheese from the other chips. Then I would put it back where I found it, no one the wiser.

True story.

So, the burning question is: Do you really know what your kids are doing while you're sleeping?

A dream unusual of its kind

The nightmares have started again. I was blissfully without them for a blessed few months but they came back full force this weekend. Last night's dream was so scary I woke up at 4AM clutching the blankets around me and shivering. I had to put my glasses on and turn on the lamp before I could calm down. I almost went and crawled into bed with Darian, but decided against it. Instead I curled up with Buddy who always seems to be right there when I wake up like that. It is like he knows.

That is the hardest part about sleeping alone. Most of the time it is a bit of a luxury. You can sprawl across the bed, leave the TV on whatever channel you want, arrange the pillows just right and roll all over in your sleep without disturbing anyone. I don't sleep well, so it is a challenge to sleep next to me. The big downside comes when you wake up from a nightmare and you are not sure if it was a dream or if it was real and you don't have someone to grab ahold of who will whisper that it was just a dream and it is OK to go back to sleep.

Saturday's dream was full of Zombies. These zombies would turn you into one if you looked directly at them. I was walking through the dream with my eyes closed, bumping into things, hearing awful things going on around me. It was a strange dream because it was completely audio. The most frightening part was the blackness and the fear of opening my eyes. I could hear people poking out their own eyes just to avoid accidentally looking at the zombies. Totally freaky and horrible.

Last night was just a whole new level of dark and still too fresh to even try to describe because, frankly, I am still a little afraid of it. It was scary because it was a lot more believable and realistic than zombies. It's theme was something that could really happen.

I want to beat up Cancer

Growing up in a house full of boys, we solved a lot of our problems with our fists. As far as I know my brothers would never hit a girl now that they are adults, but as children, I don’t think they ever considered their sister a girl. I was an equal to them and that meant I was fair game.
My brothers are also both over 6’3” tall, so I was pretty small next to them. The only advantage of being the middle child in this situation was, by nature, I became a pretty strong negotiator.
These skills have come in handy as an adult. When faced with a crisis I can both negotiate and I can take a punch (literally and figuratively)

As far as girls go, I am a pretty tough cookie. I am a fighter through and through.

The only thing that I can’t figure out how to take on is disease. It seems that everywhere I turn right now someone is being taken down by some sort of horrible disease. I know three people who have started some form of Chemo in the last month. The youngest is only 11 years old. Cancer is such a sneaky horrible disease and when you are watching it attack someone you care about all you can do is sit there and hope and pray that it will go away. It makes one feel helpless.

Simply put, I wish I could beat up Cancer. I think it really deserves a major ass kicking.

Love my buddy

Maybe that is why my google bar at the top of blogger is always showing cat related links?

Lots to report, no desire to report it, so I will give you this for now:
Jon is in Europe again. He will be touring for the whole month of November.

Here are the dates for those of you who live across the pond:
Nov 3 2006 9:00P Garage Oslo, Norway
Nov 4 2006 9:00P Garage Bergen, Norway
Nov 5 2006 9:00P Debaser Stockholm, Sweden
Nov 6 2006 9:00P KB Malmo, Sweden
Nov 8 2006 9:00P Pusterviksbaren Gothenburg, Sweden
Nov 9 2006 9:00P Klubi Tampere, Finland
Nov 10 2006 9:00P Dynamo Turku, Finland
Nov 11 2006 9:00P Bar 68 Jyvaskyla, Finland
Nov 12 2006 9:00P Tavastia Club Helsinki, Finland
Nov 14 2006 8:00P Melkweg Amsterdam, Holland
Nov 15 2006 9:00P Ekko Utrecht, Holland
Nov 16 2006 9:00P De Schuit Leiden, Holland
Nov 18 2006 9:00P Trix Antwerp, Belgium
Nov 19 2006 8:00P Pop In Paris, France
Nov 21 2006 9:00P Moby Dick! Madrid, Spain
Nov 22 2006 10:00P Fabrica de Chocolate Vigo, Spain
Nov 23 2006 8:00P Teatre Lloseta Mallorca, Spain
Nov 24 2006 9:00P Sala La 2 Barcelona, Spain
Nov 25 2006 9:00P Planta Baja Granada, Spain
Nov 26 2006 7:00P El Lokel Zurich, Switzerland
Nov 27 2006 9:00P Szene Wien Vienna, Austria
Nov 28 2006 9:00P Weekender Club Innsbruck, Austria
Nov 29 2006 9:00P Gruner Jager Hamburg, Germany
Nov 30 2006 9:00P Gleis 22 Munster, Germany
Dec 1 2006 9:00P Borderline London, England
Dec 2 2006 8:00P Casa de S. & M. Mills! Somewhere
Dec 3 2006 9:00P King Tuts Glasgow, Scotland

More info at www.jonauer.com

Happy Halloween!!

Here is My little Sakura Princess and a pill popping Courtney Love getting ready to go trick or treating!

Reflecting...

More fun with photos this weekend.



come around at christmas
i really have to see you
smile at me slyly
another festive compromise
but i live with desertion
and eight million people
distant noises
other voices
pulsing in my swinging arms
caress the sound
so many dead
and all the other voices said
change your mind
you're always wrong
-R.S.

The Last Time I Saw Paris

Was never! :-)
BUT last night my husband asked me if I wanted to go.

We are now in the process of planning our very first international family vacation!
We just have to get Darian's passport since she is going to come with us.

You should have seen her face, she got SO excited!

She is so happy these days. She loves having a family with both a mom and a dad SO much. She is blossoming in that environment. It just warms my heart.

Jon, Darian and I had such a good time travelling to Alaska for a week, so we know we travel well together. This is going to be awesome.

I've wanted to go to Paris for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid I had pictures of the Eiffel tower all over my room.
I was obsessed with the place!

Happy 12th birthday!

Wow. Twelve years have gone by.
Twelve long years have just vanished.
Poof.
Gone.
Whenever my daughter's birthday rolls around it makes me feel a little reflective. It forces me to take a moment to really consider the last several years. I try to remember what it was like before I was someone's mom. The more time that passes the less I remember about that time.
Now that she is getting older and is at an age where she is closer to being an independent adult than she is to being an infant I have noticed I've been experiencing a new and different fear than I did before. Before I would worry about making sure that I am being a good influence, that I am teaching her to walk, talk, use the bathroom, to dress herself, get along with kids at school, to share, to basically do all of the things we as adults do every day and take for granted that someone at some point taught us.
Now my worries have shifted. Now I worry about preparing her for life on a deeper level. I am always aware of the fact that every move I make is watched and recorded by her to draw on as an example of what to do or not to do when she is and adult. I have to ask her to speak up when ordering in restaurants to prepare her for being assertive in future office situations. I have her handle the debit machine in the store so she understands the basics of shopping. I teach her to look at labels of everything we purchase so she understands serving sizes and nutritious content. I have her look up her fast food meals on online menus so she really understands what she is putting in her body when she wants a second taco. I have to make sure to tell her "No." every once in a while, even if I know she will be mad at me, so she understands that in life we don't always get what we want.
And the hardest thing, the thing that a person could lose sleep over if they think too long and hard about it: I have to try really hard to be the kind of adult that I want her to be better than someday.

Live by example. Never be a "do as I say, not as I do" kind of parent. Those are the types that wonder why their kids never call after all they did for them as a child, they wonder where they went so wrong when their kids end up in bad situations married to abusers, or addicted to drugs.
The man who is holding his third beer after work waving his arm in his son's face saying, "I don't ever want to catch you drinking!"
The kind of mom who is lecturing her daughter on being promiscuous when her daughter has seen a revolving door of men come through the house.
The father who won't cry in front of his son or the mother who won't let go of a man even if he is hitting her in fear of being alone.

Kids can overcome difficult childhoods. We are not destined to become our parents, but it isn't the norm. My biggest fear is that my daughter will become a young mom just like I was, like my mother was and my grandmother before her. The last thing I want for my daughter is to give up on her youth so early. I want her to have it in her to chase her dreams with the freedom to make mistakes, and choices and to enjoy everything that youth has to offer. I want her to be secure in the fact that she is really loved for who she is and that she has a family who would do anything for her and support her in any way. I don't want her to be so lonely for a real family that she decides to throw her youth away to create one by having a child of her own.

I don't regret having a daughter when I did, I would not change it now because she is the love of my life. I only wish I would have waited until I had an identity of my own before I had a baby. Now I wonder what kind of adult I will be when she leaves me.
Will I regress and be a pathetic forty-something trying to pretend I am a twenty-something? I know women like that, and it is just sad. Old ladies hanging out at the rock clubs with the young kids trying to dress like them and hang with them and even -ugh- date them.
Will I try to be her friend more than her mother?
Will I fall into a deep depression when it hits me that being a mother has been the greatest thing I have ever done and it is over, and just look forward to maybe being a grandmother?
Or will I freak out and have another baby because that is all I know how to do? (Meaning I would be a mother for my entire adult life.)

I don't think people need to have a lot of money, live in a big house or drive a nice car to be good parents or to want to have children. But I think it should be a requirement that they know themselves, love themselves and know what they want/expect/deserve from life before they decide to become parents. I think where things get really bogged up in the parent/child relationship is when the child is looking for an example and the parent has no idea how to be one.