Alaska: Where the Odds are good but the goods are odd...

As of right now I am on vacation.

Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer. Go some distance away because then the work appears smaller and more of it can be taken in at a glance and a lack of harmony and proportion is more readily seen. -Leonardo Da Vinci

The other shoe

Many years ago I started a band with a guy I was dating at the time. The band was called Dear John Letters. Basically he would write songs and I would write the lyrics. At first it was just for fun, eventually it evolved into an actual band, we even got a few great reviews and sold a couple records.
The first record was by far the best because when we made it we had no agenda. It was natural and organic and I think that is what appealed to people who liked it. (The photo to the left is the first cover. It is a photo of my mother and I.)

I still get letters from people, mostly women, all these years later. They tell me stories about how they found Rewriting the Wrongs and listened to certain songs over and over again while going through bad breakups. They thank me for writing words that really summed up or tapped into how they feel. The irony to me is the one song that comes up the most is the one song I didn't write about a relationship.

This song is probably the one thing that I ever had a part of that was dripping with hate and disdain. I can't say I have ever felt this sort of hatred for anyone I have ever cared about and to think that people out there do feel that way surprises me a little. Today I received another email from a woman who told me that after her marriage broke up she listened to this song called The Other Shoe over and over again and it helped her somehow. I am happy that something written from such a dark place is doing positive things. I personally can't listen to this song without getting upset.

I wrote the song in question about child abuse and how little the legal system really does to punish abusers. It was written from the perspective of anyone who has ever been hurt by these people. Anyone who has ever felt like justice was not served and who has considered taking things into their own hands to get justice only to feel powerless and helpless knowing the law actually protects these people who harm children. It was born from a place of hope that the old saying "What goes around comes around." really holds some truth.


The Other Shoe

Divine creatures
My brothers and sisters
We pay for yesterday
We pay our dues
Kept secrets of hate
Died
Vowing revenge
Waking with new eyes
The most extreme change of perception is to be
The other shoe
When it all comes down again
I am happier to know that someday
You will hurt like me

I'm so proud!

Look at what my lovely daughter did! She is so talented. She drew it, scanned it in and then worked on it with photoshop. I think she actually knows how to use my computer better than me at this point!

Bad poetry born of sleep deprivation

Let my heart remember
with fingertip minds.
Every detail drawn
-how you drew your words-
on this canvas skin.

All of our worlds collide in a moment.

It passes.
-nothing gained, shaken or stirred-
everything changed

Your slumber is so deep
it's contagious.

To know your weaknesses is to understand your enemy.

Wow, it just occurred to me that both my 2nd wedding anniversary and my birthday are creeping up on me in the next 5 weeks. Crazy!

This year really flew by. It certainly had it's ups and downs, but I don't regret a minute of it.

I really feel like I learned a lot this year. The year seemed to have a theme that revolved around human relationships. I'm not only talking about the type of relationship that happens between lovers. I am talking about the interpersonal relationships we all face in our day to day lives including those we have with our partners. They all feed on each other, help each other along or help tear each other down.

I have witnessed first hand how people can have a profound effect on one another without even realizing it. A stranger could change your life and never know they had an effect. An offhand comment from a friend could shake you to your core. A deception could change how you look at everything and everyone for the rest of your life. And the things good people will do out of pure loneliness will never cease to amaze me.

Also, being constantly surrounded by preteens and brand new teenagers, I have seen first hand a lot of "mean girl drama" as the peer groups get older and start jockeying for position in their social circles. Woman can be the most vicious of the species and don't you ever forget it! I still love them and I am proud to be one, but I sometimes think we could learn a thing or two about the art of "letting things go" from our male counterparts.

What I have found most amusing is that if you don't choose your friends wisely as an adult, you may never get out of those adolescent type of relationships. You will see it in your friendships, in your place of business and even with your spouse if you remain competitive at all. That is no way to live your life.

This year I have done a lot of observing and mental note taking. I am an observer at the core. I love life and I really do take full advantage of living every chance I get but in this life I have always been the Observer in Participants clothes. It is just who I am. I was born with an insatiable curiosity. I like to pick things apart to see just what makes them work, including people and personalities. I have no doubt it is one of my greatest strengths and one of my biggest character flaws.

I think much of what I have learned about people this year will still come into play many years from now.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it was a very productive year.



"Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe."
-Dorothy Parker

We used to dream big, Now we cry quietly

Since on the subject of yearbooks Cricri sent me this video for The Connels song '74-'75

Wow. Speechless!

I figure fair's fair!

Since they thought it was really funny to pick on my photos from the 90's I thought I would also share a photo of them in the 90's. Oh yes, I am one of THOSE moms....

This one's for you Kelsea & Darian:

I love the 90's...

My daughter and her friend were going through my old yearbook tonight. They were really getting a kick out of what I was up to when I was their age. If you have not read the things people wrote to you 15 years ago you really should. I forgot how silly we were! I am totally bringing the phrase "Scamming on guys" back!
So here they are in all their glory.
My senior photo is on this page (and the last time I recall having my natural hair color!):

and the senior page:

Yes that was my bedroom with the Cory's on the wall, a Gleaming the Cube, Depeche Mode, The Smiths, Madonna and various other posters plastering my wall and more. Oh and you didn't know that Edward Scissorhands was my boyfriend? A serious "Oh my Goth moment" fo sho. It also blows my mind that I had a baby not too long after these photos were taken! Yeep!

poor misguided youth :-)

Feel free to make fun of me, the kids were relentless this evening! It's OK I can take it!

I'm a little teacup...

A Poem I wrote in 2003:

I look at the delicate teacup
Small and fragile like I imagine
the little old ladies were
who drank from it so long ago

A thing so delicate and slight that it seems it could float away like a feather on a breeze.

Tiny rose buds sprinkled all along the silver lined edges.
The bone china handle molded into meticulous ruffles and swirls

I run my fingers over the waves
down the side
around the lip
Delighting in the silky edges
Cold and smooth to the touch

With the slightest flip of my wrist
it falls hard and fast
and crashes to the ground
leaving nothing there
but shards and powder and pieces
of something that was once
so faultless and beautiful

Sharp jagged edges
Looking to inflict it's pain on the trespasser
who committed such an atrocity to something so beautiful

It is showing it's teeth
proving that no matter how lovely and harmless something seems
With the right motivation
even the simple teacup
has teeth

I look at the pieces
all sprawled out in front of me
begging me to pick them up
and try to rebuild them
To touch them so they have a chance to draw blood

I imagine putting it back together like a crude jigsaw puzzle
Piece by piece

Rebuilding that fine handle and it's swirls and waves
that delicate silver lip

Even if I could rebuild it
it would have lines and scars and would never again be able to
serve the purpose it was born to serve

I would never again be able to bring it to my lips with steaming liquid
because the tea would always spill through the jagged scars
on the cup and burn my skin

The new rough edges would surely mutilate my mouth on contact
my blood dotting the china along side the delicate painted rose buds

No matter how harmless
or how much it was loved
now that it has been pushed over the edge
it can never again be
what it once was
before it fell
and was crushed by a simple cruelty

Fun with photos

I had fun taking pictures this weekend. I need to rally some of my friends to let me take pictures of them. It's much easier taking photos of other people than setting up shots on my own.

summer vacation

The tickets are purchased.
The dates are set.
It looks like I am heading "home" to Alaska in a few weeks.
Going to see some old friends.
Going to revisit a few childhood haunts.
I have ashes to spread that I've been hanging on to for far too long that I promised myself I would return home the next time I went back.

It should be fun. Lord knows I need the rest.

Daddy's Girl through and through....

He called this morning and he is sick. I'm worried about him. He would probably get mad at me if I went into details on the net so that's all I will say.

It sort of feels like I stopped moving and I can actually feel the world spinning around me right now.

I want to throw up.

Four hours is not long enough to catch up...

Tuesday night we went to The Sunset to see our dear friend Matty (from Australia) who has not been back to Seattle since his visit 8 years ago. His band Death Mattel played a really cute set. (I forgot to get a CD, Doh!)
We had dinner and tried to catch up speed reading style. It was really great to see him.
He promised he would be back in November. I told him I would see him in November of 2016, maybe he can meet my grandchildren...

What I did on my 3 day weekend...

I went to two movies.
One SIFF film and one blockbuster:

X-Men- I liked it mostly because I like the X-men and I wanted to know what happens next. I didn't walk away with that feeling of "I wasted my money" but I also didn't walk away feeling all charged the way I did after the first one. It was just sorta "eh." I'm glad I saw it in the theatre as I'm guessing it's probably better on the big screen than on the small screen.

Conversations with Other Women- This is one of those movies that I could tell that if you see at certain points in your life the content could really mess with your head.
It was filmed as a split screen which I think really worked in places and really didn't in other places. If I were to re-edit the movie I would not do the split screen in places where the couple would otherwise obviously be in the same shot together, but I would use it when I was trying to convey the images of the past. When the director was using the spilt screen to juxtapose the past and present lovers and compare memories and so on it totally worked. When he used it when the couple were standing in the same shot to make the shot slightly askew, it made me dizzy and I didn't get the vibe that they were connecting as much as I think i would have if they shared a shot.
I liked the content a lot though.
The best part was the lady in the audience who got all offended about the content and waited through the whole movie to tell off the director and then march out. She said that two people would never cheat if they were married, especially if they ran into each other at a wedding.
To which the director replied, "I don't know if you realize this but a lot of people go to weddings to hook up." The crowd laughed she eventually stormed out. Silly woman.

Now on to the DVD's.

Darian and I have been watching a lot of 'Chick Flicks' because Jon has been on tour. She has found a new love for romantic comedy which is dandy for me since I could easily go my life without seeing another Rugrats feature film and be very happy. Some of these were so bad I won't go into it. Reviews in 20 words or less or more...

Duane Hopwood - Ross does drama. Janeane Garofalo is a blonde. Blah blah blah I'm a drunk blah blah blah I am tortured bladitty blah blah... Snoozeville. Skip it

The Ice Harvest- Skip it. Not even John Cusack's dreamy eyes could save this one.


Winter Passing- Will Ferrel tries out dark. A cute orange kitten drowns. This movie bummed me out big time. Worth renting.

Last Holiday- It was silly & made me laugh, but I don't take myself too seriously. Fun family movie if you ignore the plot holes. Rent it with your kids.

The Family Stone- I think it was only my great love for Sex and the City that allowed me to watch this movie all the way to the end. I'm not ready to see Carrie as a hard ass just yet. It didn't work on so many levels. Skip it.

Rumor Has it...- I'm only happy I rented this movie because the great Shirley MacLaine cracked me up every time she walked on the screen. Too bad it was not often enough to save the movie. Watch it when it comes on cable.

The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio- I really liked this but it was truly a chick flick. I could easily see this on the Oxygen channel on a lazy Sunday in the near future. The whole time I wanted to smack Woody Harrelson who played the husband and shake Julianne Moore silly for staying with him. It is interesting mostly because it was based on a true story. I will admit I got a little misty a few times while watching it. Rent it.

And then the NON-kid friendly rentals:

Mysterious Skin- This movie was a dark look at the world of child molestation and how it effects children when they grow up. It made me cry more than once and made my stomach hurt for the rest of the day after I watched it. Rent it if you have a strong enough stomach.

Where the Truth Lies- Wow, this one had some steamy scenes bordering on soft core porn. I figured out the twist in the beginning middle of the movie, but that was all right. Worth renting if only for the steam. I would say wait for cable but basic cable will have to cut all the best parts!

Manga Me!

My friend Suzy turned me into a Manga. I am so flattered! My daughter will be proud...

From the mouths of babes...

I've been doing some organizing and trying to get rid of the excess stuff I have in the apartment. I came across my old notebooks. From the ages 13-21 I kept pretty regular diaries. (After 21 my daughter was walking and talking and keeping me too busy to keep it up)
Most of the entries are the worst Goth poetry in the history of man, but a lot of them are just random entries about my feelings, observations and life in general.

I have pulled a few of my favorite's so far. (Please don't hold these things against me, I was just a baby when I wrote them!)
------------------

Age 13- This place (Alaska) is a big frozen prison and every day since we came here I have been serving time.

Age 13 or 14 (summer)- I never had a sister. Only all of these brothers. There are boys everywhere! What I wouldn't give for a sister?! We can't even pick a neighborhood to live in that isn't full of boys. The ones that are not related to me are always trying to kiss me or look up my dress. I hate boys. I hate everything about them. Someday I want to have a daughter. I want a daughter so much that I'm sure when the time comes, I will be cursed with a son!

Age 15- What is so sexy about hickies? They are just horrible ugly bruises. The girls in school wear them like badges. It all seems so brutal. If a boy ever gives me a hickie I'll punch him in the eye and give him a matching bruise!

Age 16- Last Friday I kissed a boy who I didn't know because one of my friends told me I didn't have the nerve to just walk up to him and kiss him. He was cute so I did it. Now he won't stop calling me.

Age 18- I will never marry but if I do, my husband will be a music man. I could never be happy in a home without music or with a man who didn't understand what it means to me.

Age 19 (Ranting about Darian's Biological father just after I found out I was pregnant) - I'm not in love with him, I have never been in love with him. I only dated him because he seemed like the perfect guy to drive my parents crazy. Now we are having a baby? I'm still a child! He makes me feel old, this whole life has made me feel old. I am the oldest girl in the world.

Age 20- Love is like a perfect vacation. It is exciting and revitalizing for the short term, but if you try to live there forever it will surely lose it's magic.

Age 21 (This was written 10/20/1995 the night I went to a Posies show in AK and met Jon for the first time) - I met a man tonight and felt something I have never felt before. A tug or a connection or chemistry. My heart stopped when I found out he was already married. No matter what happens I know that from this moment on my life will never be the same.


(I will add more if I come across any good ones)

Happy Birthday Mom!

I love you!

The secret to a rich life is to have more beginnings than endings.

My original plan was to wear a red dress...

The Red Dress

I always saw, I always said
If I were grown and free,
I'd have a gown of reddest red
As fine as you could see,

To wear out walking, sleek and slow,
Upon a Summer day,
And there'd be one to see me so
And flip the world away.

And he would be a gallant one,
With stars behind his eyes,
And hair like metal in the sun,
And lips too warm for lies.

I always saw us, gay and good,
High honored in the town.
Now I am grown to womanhood....
I have the silly gown.

Dorothy Parker

shorthand bio

I am a cat
born by a great lake
who grew up in a winter wonderland
now I spend my days playing in the rain

There are little men playing drums on the back of my eyes

I have to admit, my brain goes to strange and unusual places when I'm sick and Boy Howdy am I sick right now.
I have not been able to keep any food down so that meant no coffee today. Being the major caffeine addict that I am, I'm suffering from what can only be described as withdrawals. My head is pounding so hard, I am actually considering drinking coffee and just praying it will stay down.

I've been laying in my room most of the day. My daughter has been taking really good care of me. The upside to having an older child is you have someone who can actually help out when you are sick. She ran to the store and got Ginger Ale, popsicles and chicken and stars soup when I am up for it, bless her.

I have watched about 14 hours of cartoons. I think I lost a few IQ points. I'll blame my fever.

Jon was in the city where I was born yesterday, or at least a stones throw from it. He had to get to Chicago this morning to catch a flight to somewhere for a Big Star show. (Atlanta?)
You know, half the time I don't even know where he is. It all just sort of blurs together. I have a hard enough time sorting the days he will be home and the days he is gone.
His solo shows seem to be doing well. He's happy with them. I've listened to a few live recordings. It seems I have been getting shout outs before the songs he wrote about me. Now everyone knows... I guess it's only fair since I wrote a whole record about him.

A lot of randomness in my sick haze:

I subscribe to the least hip magazines ever and I was laughing at myself while reading them today. My friends would probably make fun of me if they saw what comes in my mailbox every month. I try to leave Interview and Tape Op on the coffee table and the rest are my (opposite of a) dirty little secret.

My favorite Jelly Belly flavors are Butter Popcorn and Cinnamon. They must be eaten together. One Cinnamon for every two Butter Popcorn. It is like eating movie popcorn and Red Hots which was my favorite as a kid. Perfection. (No I am not eating them, but it is one of my weird sick cravings. They would most certainly make me ick if I ate them today.)

At around 4AM when I was in the thick of being sick and feverish I swear I was seeing things. One being my kitty Gala who we just recently put to sleep. She used to always sleep on my pillow right above my head. I could have sworn she was there last night. She was not, of course, but my three other kitties have not left my side for the last 24 hours. In fact they have almost been crowding me with their love and cuddles.

My child's new favorite saying is "What the hell...?"
I'm so proud.

cos one day you'll be older too - you might need someone who can pull you through

For me the biggest sign that I was getting "older and wiser" was when I started looking at situations concerning my younger counterparts and I could near perfectly predict the outcome. The urge to meddle is great, but I prefer to observe unless I feel like I have a vested interest in the outcome.
Sound selfish? It isn't supposed to.
I just remember when I was younger and flying full speed ahead in the direction of a mistake. If anyone were to try to tell me anything that even sounded like an opposition to my flights of fancy it would only encourage me to do it.
Of course with my child I have to intervene, it is expected. But with my friends, no way. I will be the last person to tell you what to do unless you ask me directly for my advice. At most I will tell you that I care about you and I'm here for you if you ever need me.

With that I am going to say this. If it applies to you cool, if not, ignore it.
Just know, I'm not trying to point fingers. I'm only getting it off my chest before I shake someone silly:

If you love living that whole Capitol-Hill-Rock-&- Roll-boozing-&-drug-snorting lifestyle AND you think you are in "true-love-always with your BFF"
PLEASE for the love of all things holy DO NOT HAVE BABIES!
Even if you know seemingly hip people that make it look effortless and have great kids and so on... It really is not nearly as easy as it may look, it really does take 120% lifetime commitment and well, you just don't have it if your life revolves around going to the Cha Cha or Linda's or wherever else 6 nights a week.
PLEASE do not use me as an example of why you could do it. You have no idea what I have done, gone through, sacrificed to make it work and even though you might think we are the same, we really have very little in common outside of our taste in music, clothes and hairstyles.
Trust me, you don't have it in you, so don't do it.

End rant. I feel better.

I have an inner voice and she has a megaphone

Are dreams a part of our built in moral compass? Is understanding your dreams the path to self awareness? Do I sound like a hippy when I type that?

I remember once when I was dating a guy I was not entirely happy with I had a dream that changed everything. He was an awful boyfriend for all of the typical, by the book, reasons. Neither of us were happy or fulfilled but we had a lot invested in our relationship, so it was set up to be a relationship that would be very difficult to get out of. I could see the end, but I also knew it would still be a long while before we would get there.
I met another man, there was a spark followed by a moment.
Everyone has had one of these moments. The kind where you think to yourself, "If I wanted to I could have this. I could do this if only I gave in to it."
I didn't act on it, I walked away and then sat with the thought for a very long time.
Cue the dream.
It was one of those dreams that are so real, where you feel so present that you wake up with the feelings of having the air sucked out of your chest. For a moment all of the emotions felt during the dream are as real as anything you have ever felt when you were awake.
In this situation I dreamt that I gave in when that moment came. Everything was going great, better than great actually until the end. In the end he walked in and there was no way out of being caught. I had to face what we had done and with that I got to feel all of the emotions that one would normally feel in this situation.
The only difference between what I was feeling during the dream and what I would have felt in real life was that I could wake up from it and know I had not crossed that line. (Of course in my dream state I did not know this.)
I woke up with that knot you get in your stomach when you have done something terrible that you can't take back. It was as if the air had been knocked out of me after being punched in the gut. My mind was desperately looking for anything I could say to talk my way out of the situation, and there was nothing that could be said. I just had to own up to it, face head on what I did.
It was a terrible feeling.
It took a full five minutes before I was awake enough to realize I had not actually done anything wrong and to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not live with myself if I did.

Not only did this dream let me experience the situation without actually having to experience it, but it showed me it was time to leave a situation I was so unhappy in.

I dreamed a dream that made me sad...

I had a really strange and detailed dream last eve. I just woke up from it and felt compelled to write it out before it slipped from my mind. I'm certain this will be full of grammatical errors and typos, but I just want to get it down. I will go back and fix those things later.

...........

I was living in this small town. It reminded me of a dustier version of Eagle River, AK in the summertime. There was a lot of wide open space without houses or cars for miles.
I was hiking up a hill/mountain of sorts until I came to a clearing where there was a little store. The store looked old and a little run down, but it seemed like it could be open for business still. I walked in and was taken aback by how cute it was inside. It was like the shelves were stocked from a lost time. They had sodas in tall glass bottles and cans with labels that looked like they would be more comfortable on the antique road show.
A very handsome young man was behind the counter. He was dressed as if from another time as well.
“I feel like I just walked into a different time!” I giggled nervously to him.
“What do you mean?” he asked
“Oh, I see, this is like the renaissance fair where you have to go for authentic right?” I said gestering at his outfit with my hand.
“Um sure...” He said and then asked “Are you a painter?”
He was looking at the easel and box I had under my arm. I was in fact out scouting for something to paint.
“Indeed, I am.” And then I asked, “Would you mind if I painted this place? It is perfect.”
“As you wish.” He answered with a smile.

I set everything up and started sketching. I decided I would paint the detail of the place but he would be the main focus of the piece. There was something very beautiful about him that I wanted to get on a canvas.

We chatted about everything. It was the kind of conversation a couple would have on a first date that was going really well. By the end of the day I found myself opening up to him in ways I don’t open up to even my closest friends. I was not getting a lot of work done because I was talking so much, but he had already agreed to let me come back as often as I wanted until it was finished.
“I don’t get a lot of customers here this time of year.” He said, “I would appreciate the company.”

Then time was just sort of moving in fast forward as is common with dreams. I just kept going back to the store and he was always there. I painted, we talked and we fell in love.

I was at a place with the painting where I needed to detail his face. I was always working with filtered lights coming through the cracks in the shades. It was bright enough to see, but to get the details I would need better light.

“Would you mind if I pulled up this blind so I could get a better look at your face?” I asked as I started to search around for the string.
“Sure.” He said, “So I was thinking I would like you to come meet my family. I have been telling them about you. I would really like to introduce you to them.”
I found the string and started tugging at it. “That would be great! I'd love to see you outside of this store...” I started to say as the blinds finally gave and started to roll up. I turned to him and said,. “Now let’s see that handsome face!”
The light poured into the room in a long square shaft that fell across the counter and the man behind it. I gasped when it hit his face, closed my eyes and dropped the blinds.
“Is there a problem?” he asked
“Um, no... I’m just having trouble with the blinds.” I told him. I closed my eyes hard, gave myself a little pep talk and pulled the blinds up again.
I opened my eyes, the light hit his face and I saw the thing that made me drop them the first time. I started to roll them up and down and staring at him.
Whenever the light would roll up his body it would change to a nearly transparent thing. He reminded me of the mummified corpses I have seen in museums and on the history channel over the years. He had a kind of transparency to him that made him seem projected on the wall behind him.
Suddenly it became clear to me why no one else had ever come into the store in all of the time I have spent there. Why the phone never rang, why I never saw him eat or drink. He wasn’t real. He was a ghost or a figment of my imagination or something, but he wasn’t real or human.
“Do you need me to help you with that thing?” he asked and started to walk towards me and out of the sunbeam.
When he stepped out of the light he was the man that I have been talking to for what seemed like months. The man who had been giving me butterflies, who I had been sharing all of my spare time with. He was flesh and bone and as real as I was. He didn’t seem to have any idea what he really was, and I suddenly found myself wanting to protect him from this knowledge because I feared if he knew he might vanish and I would lose him.
“You know… I think the lighting with the shades down is better for painting after all.” I told him and dropped the blinds.
“You are an indecisive one aren’t you?” He said and closed the distance between us, “Since I am over here…” he whispered, “There is something I have wanted to do for days now.” and he kissed me.
Initially the kiss sort of freaked me out since I just found out he was not alive or human for all I knew. I resisted but then gave in to the fact it was the warmest, sweetest kiss ever.
I could not tell him what I knew about him because I was in love with him. I needed to protect him from the truth.

More time passed and I came back every day. We got closer, the seasons changed and soon there was snow on the ground.

One wintery afternoon I walked in to see him and he greeted me with “I have a surprise for you!”
“What is it?” I asked
“Well, I spoke to my parents and they would love for us to come spend the holidays with them! I know they will love you!” he told me with the biggest grin.
“Um, I'm not sure how that's possible…” I started grasping for an explanation for why I don’t think we could leave this place but he cut me short.
“You don’t want to meet my family?” he was getting obviously agitated, “I am beginning to feel like you're ashamed of me or hiding something from me. Don’t you feel the same way about me as I do about you? Is it too much to ask for me to want to introduce the woman I love to my family?”
“That isn’t it, you don’t understand,” I tried to explain; “It is complicated. I am only trying to protect us.”
At this point he was getting really upset and he started to sort of glow and pulse. I was getting really scared. The walls were shaking, things were falling from the shelves and the room began to feel like it was spinning. Suddenly the painting fell from the easel and landed hard on the ground with a loud thud.

This is when I woke up, came to my computer and typed it all out before I forgot it.

A Thousand Kisses Deep

I was working up a rock version of this song last night. I love this song! I think the lyrics are perfect, the chord progression is a piece of cake.
I must have played it a hundred times trying to get my version just right. I came to work today and the original came on my i-tunes. Having heard my sped up version so many times last night, my first thought was "This is how my version would sound played at the wrong speed on a record player!"

I'll never do it justice, but it sure is fun to play for my cats and my kid! :-)


A Thousand Kisses Deep
-Leonard Cohen

The ponies run, the girls are young,
The odds are there to beat.
You win a while, and then it’s done
Your little winning streak.
And summoned now to deal
With your invincible defeat,
You live your life as if it’s real,
A thousand kisses deep.

I’m turning tricks, I’m getting fixed,
I’m back on boogie street.
You lose your grip, and then you slip
Into the masterpiece.
And maybe I had miles to drive,
And promises to keep:
You ditch it all to stay alive,
A thousand kisses deep.

And sometimes when the night is slow,
The wretched and the meek,
We gather up our hearts and go,
A thousand kisses deep.

Confined to sex, we pressed against
The limits of the sea:
I saw there were no oceans left
For scavengers like me.
I made it to the forward deck.
I blessed our remnant fleet
And then consented to be wrecked,
A thousand kisses deep.

I’m turning tricks, I’m getting fixed,
I’m back on boogie street.
I guess they won’t exchange the gifts
That you were meant to keep.
And quiet is the thought of you,
The file on you complete,
Except what we forgot to do,
A thousand kisses deep.

And sometimes when the night is slow,
The wretched and the meek,
We gather up our hearts and go,
A thousand kisses deep.

The ponies run, the girls are young,
The odds are there to beat . . .

All Hail Zinzannia (The grown up Chuck E Cheese)

Licia and I went to Teatro Zinzanni last night. For those of you not in the know you can check out their website here.

The food was delicious and the show was pretty cool. It did have a bit of a cheese factor since it was dinner theatre after all, everything was over the top. If I had one major critique it would be the fact that they took standards and added the word Zinzannia as many times as possible. It totally gave me the feeling I get when I go to Chuck E Cheese. All of the over the top characters singing standards replacing the words with ones that are Chuck related. Yup. That was a tad annoying. If they were to actually just perform the standards I think it would class it up about 110%
And the story was a little weak. They introduced this "all important" piece of ice that seems like it is going to go somewhere, and then they never mention it again. What is up with that? For $125 a ticket, one might expect a cohesive story line. (Our tix were comped through work)

This is one of those audience participation type affairs, and one of the first people to be pulled out on the floor was Licia! The creepy mime that dressed like Dracula decided to give her a little slow dance/feel up session. She kept saying, "I don't want to dance with the creepy guy." and as if on cue, he popped up and took her hand. We had to wonder if the tables had hidden microphones after that.
When Licia was returned with a flower in her cleavage she told stories of his vibrating pants and how he kept pressing it on her. I decided I would get him if he tried that with me.

At the next break the cute, bald clown came and asked me for a slow dance. We were dancing when the Dracula mime cut in. The clown moved on to Licia.

Dracula decided to blindfold me with a red satin blindfold. Once it was secure he was dancing me around. He then pressed his vibrating pants up against me, but having been warned I did not act surprised, instead I leaned in and whispered to him, "I think you are getting a call."

So Dracula spins my blindfolded self around and then the blindfold comes off. I find myself face to face with a super sexy acrobat guy. Licia and I noticed him earlier on, he is foxy! (Sadly the only photos I can find of him he is wearing make up. He wasn't last eve and he was a cutie pie!)
He asked,"Are you surprised?" in his adorable Russian accent
"Um yes!"

The actual performers were really talented. The opera singer brought down the house, the acrobats were pro, and the funny men were pretty funny (especially the Chef). I just wasn't the biggest fan of the actual script. I liked the improved stuff the best. I guess the script really isn't the point, and I should not have been looking for a story. (But I am always looking for a story)

Random doesn't even begin to describe it.

I was watching a cooking show today. They were featuring carrots and how good they are for your eyes. The guy on TV said that once upon a time they used to feed military pilots so many carrots, in hopes of improving their night vision, that the pilots would turn orange!

Now all I can think about is eating a lot of carrots to see what would happen.

UPDATE:
Oh my gosh, someone DID try this! She was kind enough to blog it as well. Carrot Experiment!

Maybe it isn't that I'm afraid of failure, maybe I'm afraid of success?

*List of 10 projects/classes I have started over the last few years and not finished:

1- Making art envelopes out of cool black and white photos. They were really neat, but people don't send letters anymore so I dropped it.

2- Making mosaic boxes with broken CDs. Again they were cool, but the grout was hard on the CD surfaces so it was a pain not to scratch them all up.

3- Painting- So many unfinished sketches, half finished projects, ideas on scratch paper in my purse and hanging on my fridge.

4- Children's book. Wrote a great story, laid it out, never finished the artwork.

5- Fire spinning classes. I had big ideas until I realized that at some point I would have to actually light the wicks I was spinning around.

6- A collection of short stories. I was on a roll with this one for a while, but then I got distracted.

7- Knitting and selling scarves. I made and sold a bunch of scarves. Got to the point where I could make them in my sleep. Quit after the first mail order person "lost it in the mail" and I had to give them a refund. (Basically someone got a free scarf, one of my best actually. I lost faith in people.)

8- Making baby clothes. I made some really cute stuff, but lost interest when I got too busy being a mom.

9- Collage project. I have been collecting clipping for this thing for nearly 5 years and still have not started it yet.

10- That f*ing novel that has been "this close" to being finished for almost 4 years now. I know how it ends. All of the words are in my head. I don't know why I can't get myself to sit down and finish it. It is seriously only a few chapters away from the end. I think it is good, people who have read it have told me it is great, but I think I am afraid if I finish it, and it turns out that it really isn't good it will break me.


*This list doesn't even touch on the photo, film and music projects that I just recently started.

Be careful his bowtie is really a camera!

This weekend I am going to do the following:
1- Bake brownies. There is nothing more exciting than perfect gooey brownies straight from the oven. (I'm not even kidding here.) I have been thinking about them for three days, so I'm going to do it!

2- Do laundry. Yes, it is that time again. I wish I was rich and could just buy new clothes instead of having to wash the old ones. Laundry is so not fun when you live in an apartment. It's much cooler when you live in a house and don't have to go to a creepy spider infested laundry room that could second as a horror movie set. (I hate spiders!)

3- Play some tennis. It's been perfect weather for it. I am hoping to get Darian out on the court with me, she needs some other form of exercise that is outdoors and is not Dance Dance Revolution. (I also need a LOT of practice!)

4- Play a little Dance Dance Revolution. (No one can resist the booty shaking beats of Techno Beethoven!)

5- Edit some of my mini movie footage and get more stuff uploaded to my YouTube. Now that I know how to work my editor, I am really psyched to get all of the stuff I have been recording since New Years up. It is mostly live music, but I have some pretty great bar chat footage. I want to make a mini series out of it.

6- See a movie. Don't know which one yet, but I will go see a movie this weekend.

I think that is about it. No plans to go to any rock shows or bars this weekend. I'm burned out on them right now. I have been way more into mellow and close to home as of late.
Going out drinking = empty calories, empty wallets and empty souls... I'm over it. (this week)

I made a movie!

OK, I put a camera down and hit record and then added a title later, but still...

At least I know how to work the video feature of my camera now. I have been recording a lot of footage and I'm really looking forward to putting it all together. Expect MUCH more soon.

For now: Jon live on KEXP

Sing me to sleep...

So as of about 9:30 this morning Gala kitty is no longer with us. She went very peacefully at the veterinary office with Jon and I by her side. She was such a sweet little kitty who lived 18 wonderful years. We will miss her so much.
When we got her carrier out this morning to bring her in, all of the other kittys gathered around as if to say goodbye. It was heart-wrenching. I wish there was more we could do, but she lived a long and happy life. It was her time.

Hero Worship

When girls are growing up and searching for their identity, their own personal sense of style, they usually have heros, or style icons that they look up to.

I was discussing this concept with my daughter recently and she was sharing hers with me.

I decided just for the sake of doing it, I would post mine here.
These ladies were the ladies that I wanted to be, look like, dress like and so on before I was even old enough to apply lipstick. (and a few just after)

Today is gonna be the day...

Well today is the day! Today is Tuesday May 2nd. The first Tuesday I have been happy about in a very long time. Do you know why? It is because today is the day that Jon's new record will be in stores! Hooray for you Jon!

In other news, it is beautiful outdoors right now. The sun is beaming, birds are tweeting and all of that. It is making me want to sip tea and doodle and not work, but work must happen...

Enjoy your day, kiss someone who gives you crazy tummy butterflies and go buy Songs From the Year of Our Demise if you have not already! That is an order!

Please direct your attention to:

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

I love it and may send a card in someday (Maybe I already have?)
The only downside is that when they update on Sunday they don't archive the past post cards.

Dear Kitty-

I wish you could tell me what you want. I am trying really hard to hear your silent words. Someone once told me that cats have telepathy, if that is true I need you to shout because I seem to be on the wrong frequency.
Every night since I found out you were dying you have slept next to me purring so loud that my pillow vibrates. You are shrinking smaller every day.
Who are we to decide when you are ready? It isn't right. Life should not be that way.
Please find a way to let me know when the time is right to let you go.

You and I have memories, longer than the road that stretches out ahead...

I have to break it down in parts or else I will never get it right.

Part 1:
Mira came to visit from London by way of LA. She is awesome and fit right in like a long lost sister. I have no idea what we will do without her now that she is gone. We had an amazing time wandering around Seattle, shopping, sleeping in bunk beds, recording background lalalala’s on radio station IDs, and going to rock shows. What a good time. I look forward to going to London someday and having Mira show me her city.

Part 2:
Jon had his record release party and it was truly amazing. He seemed really pleased with how it went. I took loads of photos and video. At some point I will get this video thing to work for me and will be able to post them.

Part 3:
There was an underlying sadness during the week, but I had to keep it to myself until the timing was right. I spoke to the vet early in the morning on Thursday. He told me that our beloved Gala kitty has Cancer and there is nothing they can do for her. They told me that we can just keep her comfortable and give her TLC until we think the time is right to do the humane thing and put her to sleep.
Of course this news came on the morning of Jon’s release show and radio show and so on so I knew I could not tell him. I made the vet promise not to talk to him until I could later that night. I wanted his day to be happy and perfect since he had worked so long for this, and it was. I managed to keep it together and hold off telling him until after the day was over and we were back at home.
We are all very sad about the news. Right now she is in good spirits and we're taking good care of her. We know what we have to do, but it isn’t easy. We're just praying that she stays with us for a long time, but we know that she is on borrowed time. When it seems like she is hurting, we will do right by her.
It's hard knowing what is coming. She spent the last two nights sleeping on my pillow next to my head and purring, for someone so small and sick, she seems so happy right now. Life can be so cruel.

Part 4:
I rented a car and drove with Holly and Jeannine to Portland last night to surprise Jon while he was playing his show. The look on his face when we walked in was worth every minute of the 6 hours of driving I did yesterday!

Today has been a day full of dilemmas and heartbreaks.

They started in the early AM which was technically today, but still the day before in our minds.
This morning I woke up too early and had to bring our very old Gala kitty to the vet. She is sick. Jon had to leave because he was playing a show in Boise so it was up to me.
I sat in the emergency vet’s office from 11:30AM until almost 6PM. It was packed and reeked of sickness. The small animals were afraid, peering with wide eyes from their little plastic cages. The large dogs were whining in protest and trying to pull off of their leashes. My kitty was curled in the bottom of her box looking so small and sad, too tired and weak to howl.
We were the second to last people to be seen. The doctor said she had an infected tooth; she needs to have surgery to have it pulled. The smell means it could be something worse, but it just might be infection.
She had to stay at the office to be put on antibiotics and IV bags. They will do biopsies on it to make sure she doesn’t have cancer. The vet explained that she seemed healthy and he thought she had a fighting chance, but I needed to understand that she has already lived way past her life expectancy. It was like hearing that one of our children might die.
It killed me a little when I saw her face as he carried her away and knew I had to leave her there for the next three days.

I spy with my little eye...

I don't know which surprised me more on my walk home from work today.

Was it the car covered in ham slices?



Or was it the naked yellow lego man trying to escape?

Look! Jon is waving at me from Alaska!

It's my Blog and I can cry if I want to...

Today was such a long day.

I fell just shy of my call count so I had to make 50 cold calls today and log them. I missed the gym and skipped lunch to get it done.

Jon is back in my hometown playing a rock show for a lot of my ex-classmates that I have not seen in over ten years. That is odd.

Oh and did I mention that the paper I work for printed the first local review of Jon’s new record today? (edited out the rant for obv reasons)

Well listen up:
Take That!
and
Take THAT!

(end rant)

I feel better now

While You Are Gone...

When Jon goes out of town I like to make mixed CD's for him to take on the trip. Today he is heading to my home town in Alaska to play a Posies show. Here is the mix he received for the occasion.

MY LITTLE TOWN - THE (very) ALASKA MIX - 4/19/06

My Little Town- Simon & Garfunkel
Styrofoam Plates- Death Cab For Cutie
We Both Go Down Together- The Decemberists
You Are What You Love- Jenny Lewis With The Watson Twins
Waltz #2 (Xo)- Elliott Smith
Just Like Heaven (Acoustic Version)- The Cure
Guess It May- Rosie Thomas
Tart- Elvis Costello
Imagined Life- Lou Barlow
Manchild- Eels
Prove My Love- Violent Femmes
Deeper Than Beauty- Sloan
Blasphemous Rumours- Depeche Mode(LIVE)
Hello, Goodbye- The Beatles
Wonderwall- Oasis
Always See Your Face- Love
Sick Of Myself- Matthew Sweet
With A Little Help Of My Friends- The Beatles
While You Are Gone -Sarah Vaughan

I wish I had a river I could skate away on...

I had a nice day at home in my PJs.
I should not be at home right now.
I should be watching The Posies rocking out on the other side of town right now, but I could not bring myself to leave the house. The thought of getting dressed up, putting on make-up, doing my hair and having conversations with people sounded like far too much for me to handle right now. Instead I am at home watching bad TV, some OK TV, and a few great DVDs.

Happy Easter blogland

Gee, your hair smells terrific!

I just wanted to say I am in LOVE with my new shampoo! My hair is so soft and smells so yummy it makes me hungry!







Oh and The Posies are playing this Sunday so if you live in Seattle you should go:

Sunday 04/16
The Premier - 1700 First Ave S
6pm -- $20 adv/$24 at door
The Posies
Jaded 52
Ms. Led
The Lonely H

115th Dream

I had a freaky dream last eve. I won't go into all of it but here are some highlights:

I was going to a couple's house for dinner. (No one I know in real life, just made up people) I show up covered in what appears to be marker marks all over my clothes and skin.
He asks, "What happened?"
I say, "I got into a fight and that Bitch came at me with permanant markers!"
He said, "Wow! Bitch fight." (Yes he actually used that phrase)
His girlfriend told me I could borrow some of her clothes and told him to help me find something.
She had her back to us because she was doing the dishes in fast forward. There was really strange swirly red lighting and huge fluffy bubbles flying all around her. Her hands were moving so fast they were a blur.
We were in their room with the door open facing her back. The room was beige. Her back was perfectly framed in the door.
I started to change into her clothes with him standing there watching.
My skin was even covered in marker marks under all of the layers of clothes.
She never turned around.

Then I woke up.

Betcha my therapist would have fun with this one! :-)

Spring washes away everything...

I took a little Sunday stroll down East Republican Street. I made a photo diary of the stroll. I wanted to show how quiet the street is, and how pretty everything is now. It is shocking to think something so horrible happened there so recently.
GO HERE.

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...

I sit here with my charcoal pencil trying to put on paper what is in my head. Trying to convey some kind of message without using words because words fail me at times like this.
"There she goes, being all dramatic again." I know, it is part of my genetic make up or something. Everything has to be felt in such a big way. Everything has to be overthought and overwrought. My email inbox told me "Victory is admirable; self-aggrandizement is not." How true.

I need a little forward momentum right now. I am far too comfortable. I get really afraid of comfortable. I feel like if there is no forward momentum, no change on the horizon, there is only one thing left to be right around the corner and it isn't something I am cool with. Comfortable=Death.

I want to move to another city and figure it out. I wish my little family were a little more portable. I can't imagine there is a lot more to learn in/about Seattle. I have been here long enough. I know most everyone I am going to want to know. I know who I won't/shouldn't get to know better. I can't leave the house without running into the past. Not that I am running away from it, I just wish things were not so predictable.
If Jon came to me tomorrow and said "I want to move (insert anywhere but Seattle here)" I would say yes in a heartbeat. But it will never happen.
We are so different that way. He likes being settled in one place, having a place to go home to that he has known for a long time. But then again, he has gone around the world more times than most people ever get to. I also have to consider things like my daughter and the fact she is in school, forming school bonds, learning life lessons and all of the rights of passage that come with youth. Who am I to try and rob her of that. I would never do that to her.

I'm not looking for drama, or "feel betters" or apologies. God no. I would rather never leave the house again.

It is more/all about looking for that feeling of intensity and fulfillment that I think we are all endlessly searching for. Finding/defining your passion. Jon gets it out of music. I have friends who get it out of the first blush of excitement that comes with new lovers. My daughter gets it from creating art. I get/got it from all of the above and then some and not some.

sigh.

(I think I might need to cut back on the old coffee a little.)

You never liked to get the letters that I sent...

Last night when I was on my way to a rock show I saw an interesting bit of graffiti scrawled across the back end of a car.
It read: Don't die wondering "what if?"

Illusion of beauty

She sits at the bar wetting her lips
The thoughts of the hour took a lifetime to live.
Thirty some years and nothing has changed.

The same insecure child with her last husband’s name
A wedding and a baby some time ago.
She can almost remember what it’s like to be loved.

She spent her money and now her money’s all gone,
her body till broke busted, bankrupt, used up
a whore.

She has a list a mile long
of who's to blame for her woes
and the cure to what ails her,
she swallows down hard only to live in the illusion of beauty again.


Lyrics By- Michelle Price off of Songs about Songs 1998
Wanna Hear it? Go here.

Songs from the Year of Our Demise.

Jon Auer's record release show is April 27th in Seattle, WA at The Sunset Tavern, and there will be a show the next day in Portland, OR at Towne Lounge.