Ewok!

Look what I found while I was shopping on Melrose. I want one!


Only two apples high!

The perfect storm.

(I wrote this post in LA on Saturday morning following the Largo show)

I need COFFEE!

The downside to vacation for me is the waiting around for people to wake up. I don't really sleep for long stretches of time. I sleep in little 4-6 hour intervals and that is it. So I have been up for a few hours now trying to tiptoe around the beautiful home of our host and hostess without waking anyone up. Lucky me there is a computer!
(We didn't bring our laptop due to the stupid airline drama.)
Speaking of which... it took us less that 15 minutes to get through the lines and get all set. Jon has MVP cards. Seems if you have those you wait for no one. The scary part to this? The guys who did the whole 9/11 thing, they flew first class and would have been able to skate through just as fast and easily as we did. Nice.

LA is interesting and familiar. I think I have seen so much of it in movies that I almost know what is around every corner before we turn. It is pretty dirty, but what are you gonna do? Everyone told me it would be. I might wear my glasses today because my eyes are not having it. It is so smoggy I feel like I have been smoking cigarettes or something. How every child in this city doesn't have Asthma is beyond me.

Largo is a really cool club. I love the sound and the feel of the place. Everyone who played did a fantastic job. I wish I could list off the names of the people who played before Jon, but I don't know right now (I am so bad with names) I will have to make that list later. But there were a couple of girls who sang who I will definitely be looking up their stuff when I get home.

The Largo show is now one of my top 3 all time favorite shows, just after Elliott Smith at The Crocodile and just before Lou Barlow in Bellingham. It was by far a perfect night.

Jon played a great set, one of his best. He told stories and sang beautifully. He even play Beyond Belief which I have not heard him do in quite a while. The crowd was responsive and stayed quiet through it all. It was like they were waiting to breath until after the song was over.

Harvey Danger did a slightly quieter/stripped down version of their set. They did Jack The Lion which made me get all misty eyed (always does) and a version of Pike Street/ Park Slope that got to everyone else in the place. Everyone was Emoting on 12. :-) I think I actually like them better without the cello on some of those softer numbers. There is so much talent there, I think it is good that they strip it down and showcase it in that way from time to time.

I met someone from myspace who shares a name with me in the line to the ladies room, right after that I met a girl who reads my Blog in the bathroom line! (It was a very busy bathroom line) She has never commented but she says she reads it. So if you ladies are reading this, HELLO!

Largo doesn't allow photos so I didn't take any of the show, but I did take a few pre-show.

I am super hungry and I want coffee but I don't know where I could go to get it from here. The only thing outside is a studio lot. It would take me 20 minutes to walk anywhere and I really don't have the foggiest clue as to where I actually am right now.

I'm really looking forward to tonight's show especially after how great last night's show was.

Oh, and I wish someone could turn off the crickets around here. I thought my ears were buzzing last eve, turns out it was the crickets!

Did I mention that I need COFFEE?!?!

So far, New York wins.

Canters

We had dinner here before Largo. They made great sandwiches and had a really cool ceiling!

Apparently there is no red hair in Hollyweird....

So it is late, and I just returned from the party where I drank many blue drinks served by green ladies (not really, the green ladies were on stage, we actually got outer space ladies wearing little silver mini skirts) and I still have to go pack, catch a plane, and go straight to the office from the airport. Might try to cat nap in there somewhere. I will go into this all in way more detail tomorrow. Here are the highlights from The Shatner Roast (I will write all about the Harvey Danger and Jon Auer shows when I get home) Now my blog is going to go all "dlisted" for a moment:

Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan) is BEAUTIFUL in real life, but way shorter than I had expected. She was the only person I met all night who seemed at all down to earth.

Sulu (George Takei) is super sweet and shockingly one of the funniest roasters all night. When I shook hands he said, "You hair is Flaming" and laughed in his adorable and very robot way.

Odo (Rene Auberwhateva) You know the shape shifter guy... he strolled by me with his wife and said, "Your hair is Weeeeeeeeeeird" in his very sing-songy voice that he stresses words like on Boston legal. Nice. I was insulted by Odo. I wanted to ask him if he had looked in a mirror recently. He should not be calling anyone weird.

Nichelle is still stunning as ever. She can't do comedy very well, but I am sure with a lot of editing she will come across OK. She did have that classic hollywood vibe when she walked on stage. She is a class act for sure

and Bill, well he is still Bill.

Kevin Pollak is my hero! He does the best Shatner and is too funny for his own good. He wasn't in the VIP room after though, which made me very sad because I really would have loved to have met him.

Farrah Fawcet is still in fantastic shape but what the hell is going on with her face? It just looked super tight and stretched like a trampoline. She also acted like she was possessed by a cross between Courtney Love and Anna Nicole Smith. She had to have Jason Alexander hold her hand through her roast. She also had her bra strap hanging half way down her arm all night and I just wanted to fix it for her because it was driving me crazy.

Andy Dick is crazy and he licked Carrie Fisher and Farrah and pretty much everyone else he could get his face near. He was acting like a child and really bombed on stage. The director turned off his mic on him at one point.

Jason Alexander is a funny, funny man and very approachable and sweet.

Brian Posehn(the guy from just shoot me and Mr Show) is REALLY tall and he was hanging out at the VIP party with Patton Oswalt who is really short. They looked pretty cute wandering around together. Patton was the last of the VIPs to leave for the night. (Patton was super funny as well)

Greg Giraldo is SUPER sexy in person. I stood next to him at the bar in the VIP room and could not bring myself to speak to him. Too pretty.

Oh and I saw the guy who makes those girls gone wild videos. He was just sort of doing laps of the VIP room and then took off.

I think the most surreal person to be standing next to was Dick Van Patton. I mean holy crap- 8 is enough! It was like seeing my long lost grandpa or something. I just wanted to stick him in my pocket. He was super smiley and sweet.

So I am certain I spelled some names and other things wrong and there are several more people I need to look up their names because I just can't remember it right now. But I am tired and it is late....

Oh and one last thing, this morning on our coffee run I was standing in line behind Toby Ziegler of the West Wing (His real name is Richard but he will always be Toby in my world) :-) I f-ing LOVE that show!

I have to say, after having been to several gigantic rock shows and met all the rock celebs and now a real live Hollywood party, I MUCH prefer the rock crowd. The Hollyweird crowd has no idea how to have a good time. They are silly, silly people.

More when I get back....

The Queen of Attention Deficit Disorder

There is an inchworm inching his (or her) way across the bouquet of flowers on my desk.
It's so cute it is distracting me.

inch..inch...inch...

2.5 more days before I go to LA!!

You're goddamn right it's a beautiful day...

I had a really truly perfect birthday.
By the time I got home at the end of the night I felt totally happy and loved.

After midnight in London I got a call from Mira who sang me happy birthday, I should have known that this would be the start of a great day. :-) Then a flood of messages in my inbox and via Myspace that made my day special.

At work the lovely ladies I work with brought me several bouquets of pretty flowers. By midmorning I looked like I had my own flower shop on my desktop. Near the end of the day I was called into the conference room where there was a super yummy chocolate cake with a candle on it. It took me a while to come up with the perfect wish, but I did.
Then after work the amazing Meggie squeezed me in between appointments and worked her magic giving me my favorite cut and color to date! She also agreed to come out and play with us.

I met up with my Mom, WSF and my daughter for dinner at a sushi place downtown where I was presented with a beautiful purse that my mom and daughter made for me in my colors (red and black) I will have to post photos of it at some point. I love it because it is gorgeous and because they made it for me.

Then I rushed home, changed my clothes and went down to Barca where there were a dozen of my dearest friends all waiting to celebrate with me, by the time we made it over to Neumos for Harvey Danger that dozen turned into around 18 or so. Some people I didn't see until I got to the show just because the place was crowded, but I think I managed to run into everyone by night's end.

During the show Amie, Shauna, Licia, Meggie and I forced our way to the front and got our boogie on like a bunch of twenty somethings. I was only able to pull it off due to the liquid courage called "chocolate martinis" We probably made a few of the normal Seattle shoe-gazers angry with all of the bouncing around, but please. I find it very difficult to listen to a band that has as much bounce as HD without shaking something. The boys put on a truly ass-kicker of a show Friday night as well!

The only hard part of the weekend was waking up early the next morning because I had a wedding to attend. And since it was not just any wedding, but a family wedding for my brother-in-law, I had to be bright eyed for photos. It was a beautiful ceremony, a fun reception with an open bar, and a really funny, stereotypical wedding singer style country club band doing covers including "We are Family" where they asked everybody to get out there and dance...

What a weekend!

Now I just get through the work week and Friday morning I am flying to LA to do it all over again!

Today... about a hundred years ago...

Girl, you'll be a woman soon....

I grew boobies the summer I turned 10 years old.
One day I woke up and I was in pain. My whole chest hurt. It was a weird, tender, throbbing pain, like a really new bruise. I had no clue as to what was happening to me, so of course being the little fatalist I have always been I was convinced I somehow made God angry and I must have Cancer. (The whole God fearing thing at a very young age came from going to Christian school in my early years.)
I was afraid to tell my parents of my "Cancer" because I thought they were having enough problems. I didn't want to worry them with the fact their only daughter was dying. I knew I had to do something to deal with my Cancer without letting my parents know. I decided to go to Church and pray to God for a miracle to cure my Cancer and save my parents the stress.
I found a small church not too far from where I lived and I went there every Sunday for a month. Every Sunday I sat there and prayed and prayed that God would cure my Cancer. It only seemed to be getting worse though. My nipples started to look all weird and swollen and my whole chest hurt worse than it did when I first diagnosed myself.
I finally broke down after months of silence and confided in my best friend that I was going to die from Cancer. She completely freaked out and started crying and asked me what kind of Cancer I was dying from.
"Breast Cancer" I told her.
She looked at me sideways and said, "But you don't really have your boobies yet? I mean all you have little mosquitos bites. How could you possibly have breast Cancer?"
I explained to her how they started hurting and how I was making deals with God for a miracle and all of that.
She started laughing so hard she turned red in the face. She finally calmed down enough to be able to say, "You don't have Cancer stupid, you are just getting your boobies! You have been praying to get rid of what I have been praying to grow!"

In one years time they were there and there was no hiding them. By the time I was 12 I had "the body of an 18 year old". At least that is what everyone kept telling me.
I distinctly remember walking into a room full of women who were sitting around chatting and my Mom asking me, "Michelle, what size bra do you wear now?"
I wanted to crawl under a rock.
"Why?!" I asked.
I could feel every one of their eyes on my chest.
"Because I am pretty sure you have bigger boobs than your Aunt here." she answered
My Aunt chimes in, "No way, I bet they are at most the same size, but a twelve year old doesn't have bigger boobs than me!"
I don't even know if I gave them an answer. I just remember getting out of that room as quickly as possible.

From the age of 13-16, every time I went to the mall with my girlfriends I always had to deal with smarmy older men hitting on me. Since I grew up in Alaska there were always loads of young military guys trolling the malls for teenage girls, and they were not subtle in their advances at all. Just to go shopping was like running some sort of pervert gauntlet!

I found myself wanting to lie about my age because it was easier to do that then explain why I was built the way I was and only 14 years old. It got to the point where the majority of my friends were a good 4-6 years older than me.

By the time I was 16 I was able to buy booze without an ID at two of the local liquor stores.

By 17 I realized that having blonde hair and big boobs was great for beauty pageants but not so hot if you ever wanted to be taken seriously. That was the year I started dying my hair darker colors.

The only time they ever served a real purpose was when I became a mom. But that was only for a year and due to nursing, they got bigger. A lot bigger. After a year of nursing you start to feel a lot less like a woman and a lot more like a beverage dispenser.

Eventually I got used to my shape. I got used to the fact that most men who will be attracted to me will be "boob guys". I got used to the fact that in the summer I could wear a shirt that on a normal cup sized girl would look like a cute little tank top, but on me would look like Frederick's of Hollywood. (Sometimes a girl just wants to be comfortable, and is not trying to just have them out there when it is 100 degrees outside!)
Over time I got used to referring to them as "the girls" and that people will just talk about them to me, some people will even poke them, they will get in my way when I am playing guitar, they will need to be strapped down when I run, and I will be asked for the rest of my life if they are real at least a half dozen times a year by stupid people in bars.

Hooray for boobies.




“I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic -- in the sense that I live in my world.
I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.”
-Anais Nin

Old Skool Posies

I did a lot of scanning this weekend. I would like to get all of our photos transferred to a digital format for better storing.
Here are a few of my favorites:
These were all taken right around the time Jon and I first met.
I love this shot, they all look so cozy!

And then at the game... Jon and Ken sang the national anthem at a Mariners game:

And this one just because it's sexy:

and this one because it is silly:

1774 songs on my iTunes and nothing to listen to.

I wrote this in a note today:
I am so totally over the summer, I'm ready for Fall...
and as soon as I wrote it I had to follow it up with:
(literally not figuratively given my impending age and all)

When does the Autumn of our lives begin? What age is considered the start of it?

I'm not afraid of getting older, I'm only afraid of wasting time.
I still have so much I need to do.



Haven't laughed this hard in a long time
I better stop now before I start crying
Go off to sleep in the sunshine
I don't want to see the day when it's dying
-ES

Why I Wear black

(This is something silly I wrote a few years ago that I just came across again)
I was at a hockey game with my parents. I noticed a really large woman from across the arena. She stood out for two reasons; she was probably the largest person I had ever seen at that point in my life, and she was dressed completely in black from head to toe. In a sea of Team colors, Yellow and Green, her enormous black shape stood out.

My dad leaned down and whispered in my ear, “Do you know why she wears all black?” He asked

“Because someone died?” I guessed

“No, because black makes you look thinner, so fat ladies like to wear it to hide their shape.” He said very matter-of-factly

I looked down at my own pubescent and awkward shape. I looked at my pastel sweater and white jeans, which were popular for eleven-year-old girls at the time. I decided if black made you look thin then I must look huge in what I am wearing.

From that moment on, every shopping trip consisted of nothing but black purchases. Black dresses, black pants, black sweater, black tights, all on a quest to look as thin as possible.

A few years later, on my first day of high school, I walked about ten feet through the front door and I hear, “Hey Goth girl.”

And so it began.

I had no idea that the fat lady wearing black at the hockey game was going to effect how people saw me for the next seventeen years of my life.

I like to ponder how my life may have been different if she had chose to wear team colors that particular evening, or if my father had not played into my adolescent insecurities by educating me on the benefits of wearing black.

It makes me laugh when I think about it now.

All I wanted was to look even thinner. I was inadvertently labeled and handed a whole lifestyle.

There ain't no cure for love...

Three of my favorite people have to say goodbye to their favorite people in the next 48 hours. There are no promises, no regrets, just life getting in the way of love. It is really bizarre and almost eerie timing that this is all happening at once.


It reminds me of my own life 11 years ago.
I had 14 days.
14 days with this person who I knew I would fall in love with. (Girls always know first)
On the last day when we knew we had to say goodbye
I missed my flight on purpose just so I could put off leaving for one more day.
When we finally parted ways we cried and kissed and said "I will see you then"
I flew home
We didn't talk again for two years.
I missed him every day.
We tried to move on.
We were not real friends again for almost seven years.
Year 8 & 9 life threw us together again as friends and we spent nearly every day together
The end of 9 he almost lost me forever
By year 10 we were married.

So ladies, I know you are sad but remember: It is never goodbye. This is only "I'll see you then"

If a tree falls in the forest...

Two days ago my neighbor jumped from the 11th floor of his building and hit a concrete table. He hit so hard he broke the table. He died on impact.

The neighborhood rumor mill is saying he didn't leave any note that anyone knows of, but he was suffering from depression and AIDS. He had been hospitalized recently but nobody was sure why. Apparently, a lot of the people that live in that building are suffering from depression and various other mental disorders.

The neighborhood consensus is that stress just piled up on him and he could not deal with it any longer.

I can't find it anywhere in the newspapers. There was a chopper hanging above the hood for about 20 minutes after it happened, but it didn't make any news programs either.

Just sad.

I wanna see it untame itself and break it's owner...

I have to take four gigantic pills every day to fix my insulin resistance issues. They have a huge list of many possible side effects but so far I have only found two that I suffer from.
The first one is vivid dreams. When I first saw that on the pill bottle I thought, "Is that really a negative side effect? So what if you have vivid dreams? My dreams have always been pretty colorful anyway."
Well, the difference is, when I used to dream, no matter how vivid it might be, I always knew I was in a dream. There was always that little bit of control, so they were fun. Even the scary ones could be turned fun! Now, since I have been taking these pills, my dreams are SO real and SO vivid a lot of times I don't have any clue that I was dreaming until several minutes after waking up terrified.
The other side effect is short term memory loss. This one has been effecting me more recently than it has in the last year I have been taking them. I have always prided myself as a person with a very sharp mind. I have an unusually good memory for detail. A lot of times I can almost replay a whole conversation nearly word for word.
Since I have been taking these pills I feel like I am turning into a bit of a mush mind. I find myself having really air-headed moments. I will be right in the middle of a thought, get a little distracted and completely forget what I was doing. I used to be able to memorize any phone number after hearing it only once, but now I am useless without a rolodex. It is driving me mad!
I wish there was a way to get the benefits of my drugs without the strange side effects. I guess a little mush brain and vivid dreaming is way better than that long list of crazy stomach ailments you always hear spit out in rapid fire during any drug commercial, but still....

Music is the vernacular of the human soul.

The new issue of Magnet is out and it has quite a fancy review of Jon's record in it.


Rock critics like Elvis Costello because rock critics look like Elvis Costello.
-- David Lee Roth

Welcome to the world!

Sera Kendal Michelle was born on July 15th, 2006 at 3:22pm weighing in at 7 pounds and 19 inches long. Congrats Melissa! I love you!

The moment a child is born,
the mother is also born.
She never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother, never.
A mother is something absolutely new.
~Rajneesh

Don't ask me nothin' about nothin', I just might tell you the truth.

As usual the title is lyrics to a song. If you know the name of the song then you might know where I just purchased tickets to. The song was also written within two years of the year I was born. (She's dropping hints like anvils)
You know how I mentioned that one of my favorite local bands are playing on my birthday? Well they are playing a few shows with my husband as well and since it all falls within my "birthday week" we thought it would be fun for me to go. Hooray for summer vacation!

Today Amie and I went to see Shakespeare in the park. They were doing "A Midsummer Night's Dream" it was cool, but I could not hear very well. We eventually wandered over and picked up some shaved ice from the shaved ice truck. I ordered a small and the guy told me he was going to make it extra big because he knows that "Pretty girls eating his shaved ice is very good marketing. It brings the boys."
Amie and I were like, "Eh, whatever."
In that particular park he would have better luck giving extra large Shaved Ice to the pretty boys. That is more of the demographic. Which is entirely fine by me, the more eye candy the better I say!

We soaked our tootsies in the wading pool and talked.

Now I am avoiding housework by blogging about virtually nothing.

Jack the Lion

Jack J Price, Sr - April 28, 1932 – July 15, 2003
In loving memory...

Forever Young

I'm missing my girl today.
May God bless and keep you always,
May your wishes all come true,
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
May you stay forever young,

May you grow up to be righteous,
May you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you.
May you always be courageous,
Stand upright and be strong,
May you stay forever young,

May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift.
May your heart always be joyful,
May your song always be sung,
May you stay forever young...
-bd

Corey

When I was a kid I used to have a reoccurring dream about my little brother. He and I were very close then. We did almost everything together. He was my only friend for years.

In the dream we would be out playing in the yard. He would jump on his bike and start riding off. I would yell to him that he should not go too far. I would chase after him. He would round the corner out of my sight. I would run around the corner and when I would get there, there would be the bike, still standing with no one riding it anymore. He was gone, just vanished. I would start to yell for him and run around looking for him, but I could never find him. I would wake up with this horrible feeling of panic and go to his room to make sure he was OK.

About nine years ago I had to throw him out of my apartment. I didn’t have a choice. We grew up, became two very different people, and we made two very extremely different lifestyle choices. I knew it came down to a choice between what he wanted to do and the safety of my daughter. We have not spoken since. I saw him once by accident at a club. We both tried to pretend we didn’t see one another and slipped out the door before we talked.

Last night I had that dream again, the first time in as long as I can remember and I keep thinking about him today.

I hope he is OK wherever he is and knows that even though I can’t stand his lifestyle choices I still love him.

Didn't you know.
It get's easier the more that I let go.
It get's easier the more that I don't know.
The only question now is where is love to go?
-jj

Shonen Knife send love to Darian all the way from Japan!

The Various Stages of Myspace

When I first joined Myspace it was after a long conversation via email with a friend of mine who was trying to tell me that Friendster was no longer "Where it's at".
It took me a long time to be convinced to join Friendster in the first place because I was of the mind that the last thing I needed was another internet distraction at work.
When my friend mentioned that Myspace had music profiles and I could add songs to my own profile I was sold. My Friendster account was deleted and my Myspace account was born.

Stage 1: Finding old friends, lovers, crushes, friends of lovers crushes...
It is sort of like the old saying "The first thing people look up on the internet the very first time they log on is porn". Well, the first thing you inevitably look up the first time you get on Myspace is anyone you have ever seen naked or ever wanted to see naked. (Don't lie, you have all done it. You know it. I know it. So let's just admit it to ourselves, shall we?)

Stage 2*: Looking up people right after you meet them.
These days if someone tells me their first and last name when I meet them out at a club/bar I will inevitably look them up that night when I get home. Or whenever anyone under 35 is mentioned on the evening news I will look to see if they have a profile. I would say eight out of ten times they do! Why not? Myspace is supposedly for networking right?
I figure if people put it out there, they must want it to be seen.
Recently I have seen a high instance of friends of mine who meet new guys and then go home and look them up only to find their profiles tagged with "In a relationship" or worse "married". What is up with that guys? My husband says I should not be surprised, but I always am.

Stage 3: Using it for dating purposes or hooking up.
I can't say much about this mostly because I have been married since Myspace came into my life, but I do know of several single people who have met via Myspace and gone out on dates. It seems like it would be a good tool for that. Even though on my profile I am clearly tagged as Married I get all of the classic crazy emails on a regular basis from Who's Who in Mental Health from around the world.

"I am pig farmer from Mars and I think you look pretty eyes and have many of my baby if we marry soon yes? I have much money and buy you many nice thing."

It is entertaining, tacky and a little bit scary all rolled up into one!

Stage 4: The fascination with Myspace has worn off.
You don't care about any of the things you cared about in stage one. You realize that only total Gomers would actually put anything real or deeply personal on their unfiltered profile. So really, what you have is a community that is equal to glorified electronic yellow pages. A lot of people have switched to using their Myspace profiles for their email because of the handy device that tells you if and when your sent message has been read. This is good for people in stage 3 trying to hook up so they can torture themselves with the thought; "He read my email three days ago, why hasn't he replied to me yet?"

Stage 5: You dabble in the other stages but for the most part you just use it to find new music and get a free download every now and then.
You have a certain rotation of profiles you click on regularly because you know they change their songs/content/blogs regularly and that helps entertain you when you are bored at work. You rarely get on Myspace on the weekends or after 5PM on the weekdays unless you get an email that says someone left you a new comment or a new message. These days you use the Music Search way more than the Friend Finder and you have at least a CD's worth of free music and a collection of ridiculous emails from the Myspace whores. You threaten to delete your profile at least three times a week and you curse yourself for even bothering to log on anymore because you realize what a colossal waste of time it is.

*There is a stage I skipped because not everyone does it but I call it the "I just discovered the bulletin feature" stage of Myspace. This is a stage that is split down the middle. You either do or don't. Those who do seem to do it a LOT and those who don't, you may never see their name roll up on the bulletin scroll. So I would call this Stage 2.1

In My Life I Love You More.

Two Years ago today...

In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.




Loves.

Slumber Parties, wedding showers, and upcoming birthdays...

First, look how cute my grandparents were when they got married!

The kid is with Grandma and the boy is in Japan so I am left to my own devices this weekend. I don't recall being home without anyone around for a whole weekend anytime in the last couple of years. It's kind of frightening how quiet it is. I find myself talking to my cats a lot. The cats just sort of look at me with what I think might be pity? Maybe I am just being paranoid.

Anyhow, I am going to remedy this whole "alone" situation by having a sleepover at my friend's house this eve. In fact there will be a few girls there, it will be a full fledged pajama party. There will be fruity drinks consumed, a blender involved, PJ's, guitars and a lot of old movies that make girls cry.

Tomorrow I go to a bridal shower for my future sister in law who's wedding is just around the corner (The day after my birthday in fact.)

Speaking of Birthdays, it seems one of my favorite local bands is playing on my birthday! What good timing!
If you know me well enough to know
A: who my favorite local bands are
and
B: when my birthday is,
you should totally be there!

I just won't tell you how old I am going to be this year, so don't even ask.

Not Going Home

The apartment is quiet other than the random conversations people are having outside as they stroll past the window. It's hot today so there are more people outside and the windows are open. It is much louder here than it was in Alaska. I am more aware of the noise here after being away from it for a week.

My baby stayed with grandma for a chunk of her summer vacation. That is hard. I keep expecting her to come out of her room and ask me something or show me her new artwork like she does.

Being away from her is like missing a limb, you can feel it but it isn’t there. I know she enjoys her summers away, and I get used to it, but the first days are always the hardest. Jon worries about how hard it will be for me when she reaches adulthood and moves away. I can only pray that following her dreams doesn’t take her too far away from me. I still have another 6 or so years before she graduates, so I have a little time to wrap my mind around that one.

The much needed rest was exactly that; restful. No chaos, no noise, no drama, just peace and quiet and a few (a lot) of wild animals. I was seriously considering not coming home up until the moment the plane lifted off the ground. Even now, I don't feel like I am completely here.

In Alaska I caught fish. I got seasick, rained on and wind/sun burned. I saw orcas, moose with baby, bears with babies, otters, sea lions, puffins and many other animals wandering around free and happy. (With that list you would think I went to a zoo, but that isn’t the case at all)

I visited some of my oldest friends, got to spend some time with my daughter’s older sister (They are starting to look so much alike) and spend some QT with my family, my mommy and my WSF.

This morning we had breakfast with Jon’s father for his 60th birthday and now I am sitting at home with a tall stack of DVD’s watching them one at a time. (Well sort of, part of me is watching DVD's the other part of me is daydreaming and plotting my future.)

I don’t want to go to work tomorrow, but at least I have Tuesday off. Thank God for small mercies.


Not Going Home
By: The Elected

The tree in the front of the yard
is starting to grow
now that we've trimmed away the leaves
now look at it go
and that's just how I feel
now that we've started to reveal
all the things I thought I lost
and the hard time I concealed
and that's just how I know
how I felt the solid glow
how I felt the bitter cold
and no, I'm not going home
sometimes you just wouldn't dare
sometimes you can't go home
sometimes you're already there
when I look at you, i'm there...

Welcome to wonderland...

I just returned to my mom's place after visiting the house I grew up in.
It is a place I think about often and it tends to be the backdrop of many of my dreams.

I meant to just swing by and snap a few photos of the outside but a sweet little girl was outside. She could not have been any older than I was when we first started to build the house so many years ago.
I didn't think I would see anyone outside seeing as it was well past 10PM when we went by there, but there she was, hanging out as if she was waiting for me. She came right over to me and started chatting like we were old pals. I told her that it was my house when I was her age and that my family actually built it from the ground up. She seemed to find this all very interesting. Eventually her older sister came out, we all chatted and they invited us in to take a look around.

There were some very noticeable changes. For instance my bedroom is no longer a bedroom. They knocked out the wall, lined it with wood and turned it into what looks like a bar/music/piano area. In some ways I am happy that it isn't a bedroom any longer. I am happy that someone is spending time where I went through all of my teen craziness playing music and drinking beer and chilling out. It seems appropriate.

There were other changes too. Walls had been painted different colors, the kitchen had been changed around a bit.

Some things were exactly the same, and when I focused on those things it was like I never left all those years ago.

The new owners said that they just bought it about a year before and now their family may be going through a divorce as well so they will probably sell it. It seems the house has been through a few families now. They said they can tell that someone used to really love it, but it has changed hands so many times now, everyone has left their mark. Now it seems a little like a puzzle with missing pieces.

When we were leaving, the little girl walked us out to the car and she even held my hand when we were saying goodbye. It was very sweet. I told her how when I was her age I had written all sorts of poetry all over the inside of the walls of the room that used to be my bedroom. I told her if they ever took down the wall they would find all of the secrets I stashed in there before the walls were built up around them. I even have a time capsule buried in the main wall of my old room. In the time capsule I wrote a letter to a "little girl in the future" thinking that it would be a hundred years from then when it was found and a kid like me would find it. She thought that was pretty cool.

Darian caught her first fish!

And it is a record size! The captain said he has never seen a Ling Cod this big before, they are usually under 10-25 lbs. Darian's was almost 70lbs!

Alaska: Where the Odds are good but the goods are odd...

As of right now I am on vacation.

Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer. Go some distance away because then the work appears smaller and more of it can be taken in at a glance and a lack of harmony and proportion is more readily seen. -Leonardo Da Vinci

The other shoe

Many years ago I started a band with a guy I was dating at the time. The band was called Dear John Letters. Basically he would write songs and I would write the lyrics. At first it was just for fun, eventually it evolved into an actual band, we even got a few great reviews and sold a couple records.
The first record was by far the best because when we made it we had no agenda. It was natural and organic and I think that is what appealed to people who liked it. (The photo to the left is the first cover. It is a photo of my mother and I.)

I still get letters from people, mostly women, all these years later. They tell me stories about how they found Rewriting the Wrongs and listened to certain songs over and over again while going through bad breakups. They thank me for writing words that really summed up or tapped into how they feel. The irony to me is the one song that comes up the most is the one song I didn't write about a relationship.

This song is probably the one thing that I ever had a part of that was dripping with hate and disdain. I can't say I have ever felt this sort of hatred for anyone I have ever cared about and to think that people out there do feel that way surprises me a little. Today I received another email from a woman who told me that after her marriage broke up she listened to this song called The Other Shoe over and over again and it helped her somehow. I am happy that something written from such a dark place is doing positive things. I personally can't listen to this song without getting upset.

I wrote the song in question about child abuse and how little the legal system really does to punish abusers. It was written from the perspective of anyone who has ever been hurt by these people. Anyone who has ever felt like justice was not served and who has considered taking things into their own hands to get justice only to feel powerless and helpless knowing the law actually protects these people who harm children. It was born from a place of hope that the old saying "What goes around comes around." really holds some truth.


The Other Shoe

Divine creatures
My brothers and sisters
We pay for yesterday
We pay our dues
Kept secrets of hate
Died
Vowing revenge
Waking with new eyes
The most extreme change of perception is to be
The other shoe
When it all comes down again
I am happier to know that someday
You will hurt like me

I'm so proud!

Look at what my lovely daughter did! She is so talented. She drew it, scanned it in and then worked on it with photoshop. I think she actually knows how to use my computer better than me at this point!

Bad poetry born of sleep deprivation

Let my heart remember
with fingertip minds.
Every detail drawn
-how you drew your words-
on this canvas skin.

All of our worlds collide in a moment.

It passes.
-nothing gained, shaken or stirred-
everything changed

Your slumber is so deep
it's contagious.

To know your weaknesses is to understand your enemy.

Wow, it just occurred to me that both my 2nd wedding anniversary and my birthday are creeping up on me in the next 5 weeks. Crazy!

This year really flew by. It certainly had it's ups and downs, but I don't regret a minute of it.

I really feel like I learned a lot this year. The year seemed to have a theme that revolved around human relationships. I'm not only talking about the type of relationship that happens between lovers. I am talking about the interpersonal relationships we all face in our day to day lives including those we have with our partners. They all feed on each other, help each other along or help tear each other down.

I have witnessed first hand how people can have a profound effect on one another without even realizing it. A stranger could change your life and never know they had an effect. An offhand comment from a friend could shake you to your core. A deception could change how you look at everything and everyone for the rest of your life. And the things good people will do out of pure loneliness will never cease to amaze me.

Also, being constantly surrounded by preteens and brand new teenagers, I have seen first hand a lot of "mean girl drama" as the peer groups get older and start jockeying for position in their social circles. Woman can be the most vicious of the species and don't you ever forget it! I still love them and I am proud to be one, but I sometimes think we could learn a thing or two about the art of "letting things go" from our male counterparts.

What I have found most amusing is that if you don't choose your friends wisely as an adult, you may never get out of those adolescent type of relationships. You will see it in your friendships, in your place of business and even with your spouse if you remain competitive at all. That is no way to live your life.

This year I have done a lot of observing and mental note taking. I am an observer at the core. I love life and I really do take full advantage of living every chance I get but in this life I have always been the Observer in Participants clothes. It is just who I am. I was born with an insatiable curiosity. I like to pick things apart to see just what makes them work, including people and personalities. I have no doubt it is one of my greatest strengths and one of my biggest character flaws.

I think much of what I have learned about people this year will still come into play many years from now.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it was a very productive year.



"Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe."
-Dorothy Parker

We used to dream big, Now we cry quietly

Since on the subject of yearbooks Cricri sent me this video for The Connels song '74-'75

Wow. Speechless!

I figure fair's fair!

Since they thought it was really funny to pick on my photos from the 90's I thought I would also share a photo of them in the 90's. Oh yes, I am one of THOSE moms....

This one's for you Kelsea & Darian:

I love the 90's...

My daughter and her friend were going through my old yearbook tonight. They were really getting a kick out of what I was up to when I was their age. If you have not read the things people wrote to you 15 years ago you really should. I forgot how silly we were! I am totally bringing the phrase "Scamming on guys" back!
So here they are in all their glory.
My senior photo is on this page (and the last time I recall having my natural hair color!):

and the senior page:

Yes that was my bedroom with the Cory's on the wall, a Gleaming the Cube, Depeche Mode, The Smiths, Madonna and various other posters plastering my wall and more. Oh and you didn't know that Edward Scissorhands was my boyfriend? A serious "Oh my Goth moment" fo sho. It also blows my mind that I had a baby not too long after these photos were taken! Yeep!

poor misguided youth :-)

Feel free to make fun of me, the kids were relentless this evening! It's OK I can take it!

I'm a little teacup...

A Poem I wrote in 2003:

I look at the delicate teacup
Small and fragile like I imagine
the little old ladies were
who drank from it so long ago

A thing so delicate and slight that it seems it could float away like a feather on a breeze.

Tiny rose buds sprinkled all along the silver lined edges.
The bone china handle molded into meticulous ruffles and swirls

I run my fingers over the waves
down the side
around the lip
Delighting in the silky edges
Cold and smooth to the touch

With the slightest flip of my wrist
it falls hard and fast
and crashes to the ground
leaving nothing there
but shards and powder and pieces
of something that was once
so faultless and beautiful

Sharp jagged edges
Looking to inflict it's pain on the trespasser
who committed such an atrocity to something so beautiful

It is showing it's teeth
proving that no matter how lovely and harmless something seems
With the right motivation
even the simple teacup
has teeth

I look at the pieces
all sprawled out in front of me
begging me to pick them up
and try to rebuild them
To touch them so they have a chance to draw blood

I imagine putting it back together like a crude jigsaw puzzle
Piece by piece

Rebuilding that fine handle and it's swirls and waves
that delicate silver lip

Even if I could rebuild it
it would have lines and scars and would never again be able to
serve the purpose it was born to serve

I would never again be able to bring it to my lips with steaming liquid
because the tea would always spill through the jagged scars
on the cup and burn my skin

The new rough edges would surely mutilate my mouth on contact
my blood dotting the china along side the delicate painted rose buds

No matter how harmless
or how much it was loved
now that it has been pushed over the edge
it can never again be
what it once was
before it fell
and was crushed by a simple cruelty

Fun with photos

I had fun taking pictures this weekend. I need to rally some of my friends to let me take pictures of them. It's much easier taking photos of other people than setting up shots on my own.

summer vacation

The tickets are purchased.
The dates are set.
It looks like I am heading "home" to Alaska in a few weeks.
Going to see some old friends.
Going to revisit a few childhood haunts.
I have ashes to spread that I've been hanging on to for far too long that I promised myself I would return home the next time I went back.

It should be fun. Lord knows I need the rest.

Daddy's Girl through and through....

He called this morning and he is sick. I'm worried about him. He would probably get mad at me if I went into details on the net so that's all I will say.

It sort of feels like I stopped moving and I can actually feel the world spinning around me right now.

I want to throw up.

Four hours is not long enough to catch up...

Tuesday night we went to The Sunset to see our dear friend Matty (from Australia) who has not been back to Seattle since his visit 8 years ago. His band Death Mattel played a really cute set. (I forgot to get a CD, Doh!)
We had dinner and tried to catch up speed reading style. It was really great to see him.
He promised he would be back in November. I told him I would see him in November of 2016, maybe he can meet my grandchildren...

What I did on my 3 day weekend...

I went to two movies.
One SIFF film and one blockbuster:

X-Men- I liked it mostly because I like the X-men and I wanted to know what happens next. I didn't walk away with that feeling of "I wasted my money" but I also didn't walk away feeling all charged the way I did after the first one. It was just sorta "eh." I'm glad I saw it in the theatre as I'm guessing it's probably better on the big screen than on the small screen.

Conversations with Other Women- This is one of those movies that I could tell that if you see at certain points in your life the content could really mess with your head.
It was filmed as a split screen which I think really worked in places and really didn't in other places. If I were to re-edit the movie I would not do the split screen in places where the couple would otherwise obviously be in the same shot together, but I would use it when I was trying to convey the images of the past. When the director was using the spilt screen to juxtapose the past and present lovers and compare memories and so on it totally worked. When he used it when the couple were standing in the same shot to make the shot slightly askew, it made me dizzy and I didn't get the vibe that they were connecting as much as I think i would have if they shared a shot.
I liked the content a lot though.
The best part was the lady in the audience who got all offended about the content and waited through the whole movie to tell off the director and then march out. She said that two people would never cheat if they were married, especially if they ran into each other at a wedding.
To which the director replied, "I don't know if you realize this but a lot of people go to weddings to hook up." The crowd laughed she eventually stormed out. Silly woman.

Now on to the DVD's.

Darian and I have been watching a lot of 'Chick Flicks' because Jon has been on tour. She has found a new love for romantic comedy which is dandy for me since I could easily go my life without seeing another Rugrats feature film and be very happy. Some of these were so bad I won't go into it. Reviews in 20 words or less or more...

Duane Hopwood - Ross does drama. Janeane Garofalo is a blonde. Blah blah blah I'm a drunk blah blah blah I am tortured bladitty blah blah... Snoozeville. Skip it

The Ice Harvest- Skip it. Not even John Cusack's dreamy eyes could save this one.


Winter Passing- Will Ferrel tries out dark. A cute orange kitten drowns. This movie bummed me out big time. Worth renting.

Last Holiday- It was silly & made me laugh, but I don't take myself too seriously. Fun family movie if you ignore the plot holes. Rent it with your kids.

The Family Stone- I think it was only my great love for Sex and the City that allowed me to watch this movie all the way to the end. I'm not ready to see Carrie as a hard ass just yet. It didn't work on so many levels. Skip it.

Rumor Has it...- I'm only happy I rented this movie because the great Shirley MacLaine cracked me up every time she walked on the screen. Too bad it was not often enough to save the movie. Watch it when it comes on cable.

The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio- I really liked this but it was truly a chick flick. I could easily see this on the Oxygen channel on a lazy Sunday in the near future. The whole time I wanted to smack Woody Harrelson who played the husband and shake Julianne Moore silly for staying with him. It is interesting mostly because it was based on a true story. I will admit I got a little misty a few times while watching it. Rent it.

And then the NON-kid friendly rentals:

Mysterious Skin- This movie was a dark look at the world of child molestation and how it effects children when they grow up. It made me cry more than once and made my stomach hurt for the rest of the day after I watched it. Rent it if you have a strong enough stomach.

Where the Truth Lies- Wow, this one had some steamy scenes bordering on soft core porn. I figured out the twist in the beginning middle of the movie, but that was all right. Worth renting if only for the steam. I would say wait for cable but basic cable will have to cut all the best parts!

Manga Me!

My friend Suzy turned me into a Manga. I am so flattered! My daughter will be proud...

From the mouths of babes...

I've been doing some organizing and trying to get rid of the excess stuff I have in the apartment. I came across my old notebooks. From the ages 13-21 I kept pretty regular diaries. (After 21 my daughter was walking and talking and keeping me too busy to keep it up)
Most of the entries are the worst Goth poetry in the history of man, but a lot of them are just random entries about my feelings, observations and life in general.

I have pulled a few of my favorite's so far. (Please don't hold these things against me, I was just a baby when I wrote them!)
------------------

Age 13- This place (Alaska) is a big frozen prison and every day since we came here I have been serving time.

Age 13 or 14 (summer)- I never had a sister. Only all of these brothers. There are boys everywhere! What I wouldn't give for a sister?! We can't even pick a neighborhood to live in that isn't full of boys. The ones that are not related to me are always trying to kiss me or look up my dress. I hate boys. I hate everything about them. Someday I want to have a daughter. I want a daughter so much that I'm sure when the time comes, I will be cursed with a son!

Age 15- What is so sexy about hickies? They are just horrible ugly bruises. The girls in school wear them like badges. It all seems so brutal. If a boy ever gives me a hickie I'll punch him in the eye and give him a matching bruise!

Age 16- Last Friday I kissed a boy who I didn't know because one of my friends told me I didn't have the nerve to just walk up to him and kiss him. He was cute so I did it. Now he won't stop calling me.

Age 18- I will never marry but if I do, my husband will be a music man. I could never be happy in a home without music or with a man who didn't understand what it means to me.

Age 19 (Ranting about Darian's Biological father just after I found out I was pregnant) - I'm not in love with him, I have never been in love with him. I only dated him because he seemed like the perfect guy to drive my parents crazy. Now we are having a baby? I'm still a child! He makes me feel old, this whole life has made me feel old. I am the oldest girl in the world.

Age 20- Love is like a perfect vacation. It is exciting and revitalizing for the short term, but if you try to live there forever it will surely lose it's magic.

Age 21 (This was written 10/20/1995 the night I went to a Posies show in AK and met Jon for the first time) - I met a man tonight and felt something I have never felt before. A tug or a connection or chemistry. My heart stopped when I found out he was already married. No matter what happens I know that from this moment on my life will never be the same.


(I will add more if I come across any good ones)

Happy Birthday Mom!

I love you!

The secret to a rich life is to have more beginnings than endings.

My original plan was to wear a red dress...

The Red Dress

I always saw, I always said
If I were grown and free,
I'd have a gown of reddest red
As fine as you could see,

To wear out walking, sleek and slow,
Upon a Summer day,
And there'd be one to see me so
And flip the world away.

And he would be a gallant one,
With stars behind his eyes,
And hair like metal in the sun,
And lips too warm for lies.

I always saw us, gay and good,
High honored in the town.
Now I am grown to womanhood....
I have the silly gown.

Dorothy Parker

shorthand bio

I am a cat
born by a great lake
who grew up in a winter wonderland
now I spend my days playing in the rain

There are little men playing drums on the back of my eyes

I have to admit, my brain goes to strange and unusual places when I'm sick and Boy Howdy am I sick right now.
I have not been able to keep any food down so that meant no coffee today. Being the major caffeine addict that I am, I'm suffering from what can only be described as withdrawals. My head is pounding so hard, I am actually considering drinking coffee and just praying it will stay down.

I've been laying in my room most of the day. My daughter has been taking really good care of me. The upside to having an older child is you have someone who can actually help out when you are sick. She ran to the store and got Ginger Ale, popsicles and chicken and stars soup when I am up for it, bless her.

I have watched about 14 hours of cartoons. I think I lost a few IQ points. I'll blame my fever.

Jon was in the city where I was born yesterday, or at least a stones throw from it. He had to get to Chicago this morning to catch a flight to somewhere for a Big Star show. (Atlanta?)
You know, half the time I don't even know where he is. It all just sort of blurs together. I have a hard enough time sorting the days he will be home and the days he is gone.
His solo shows seem to be doing well. He's happy with them. I've listened to a few live recordings. It seems I have been getting shout outs before the songs he wrote about me. Now everyone knows... I guess it's only fair since I wrote a whole record about him.

A lot of randomness in my sick haze:

I subscribe to the least hip magazines ever and I was laughing at myself while reading them today. My friends would probably make fun of me if they saw what comes in my mailbox every month. I try to leave Interview and Tape Op on the coffee table and the rest are my (opposite of a) dirty little secret.

My favorite Jelly Belly flavors are Butter Popcorn and Cinnamon. They must be eaten together. One Cinnamon for every two Butter Popcorn. It is like eating movie popcorn and Red Hots which was my favorite as a kid. Perfection. (No I am not eating them, but it is one of my weird sick cravings. They would most certainly make me ick if I ate them today.)

At around 4AM when I was in the thick of being sick and feverish I swear I was seeing things. One being my kitty Gala who we just recently put to sleep. She used to always sleep on my pillow right above my head. I could have sworn she was there last night. She was not, of course, but my three other kitties have not left my side for the last 24 hours. In fact they have almost been crowding me with their love and cuddles.

My child's new favorite saying is "What the hell...?"
I'm so proud.

cos one day you'll be older too - you might need someone who can pull you through

For me the biggest sign that I was getting "older and wiser" was when I started looking at situations concerning my younger counterparts and I could near perfectly predict the outcome. The urge to meddle is great, but I prefer to observe unless I feel like I have a vested interest in the outcome.
Sound selfish? It isn't supposed to.
I just remember when I was younger and flying full speed ahead in the direction of a mistake. If anyone were to try to tell me anything that even sounded like an opposition to my flights of fancy it would only encourage me to do it.
Of course with my child I have to intervene, it is expected. But with my friends, no way. I will be the last person to tell you what to do unless you ask me directly for my advice. At most I will tell you that I care about you and I'm here for you if you ever need me.

With that I am going to say this. If it applies to you cool, if not, ignore it.
Just know, I'm not trying to point fingers. I'm only getting it off my chest before I shake someone silly:

If you love living that whole Capitol-Hill-Rock-&- Roll-boozing-&-drug-snorting lifestyle AND you think you are in "true-love-always with your BFF"
PLEASE for the love of all things holy DO NOT HAVE BABIES!
Even if you know seemingly hip people that make it look effortless and have great kids and so on... It really is not nearly as easy as it may look, it really does take 120% lifetime commitment and well, you just don't have it if your life revolves around going to the Cha Cha or Linda's or wherever else 6 nights a week.
PLEASE do not use me as an example of why you could do it. You have no idea what I have done, gone through, sacrificed to make it work and even though you might think we are the same, we really have very little in common outside of our taste in music, clothes and hairstyles.
Trust me, you don't have it in you, so don't do it.

End rant. I feel better.

I have an inner voice and she has a megaphone

Are dreams a part of our built in moral compass? Is understanding your dreams the path to self awareness? Do I sound like a hippy when I type that?

I remember once when I was dating a guy I was not entirely happy with I had a dream that changed everything. He was an awful boyfriend for all of the typical, by the book, reasons. Neither of us were happy or fulfilled but we had a lot invested in our relationship, so it was set up to be a relationship that would be very difficult to get out of. I could see the end, but I also knew it would still be a long while before we would get there.
I met another man, there was a spark followed by a moment.
Everyone has had one of these moments. The kind where you think to yourself, "If I wanted to I could have this. I could do this if only I gave in to it."
I didn't act on it, I walked away and then sat with the thought for a very long time.
Cue the dream.
It was one of those dreams that are so real, where you feel so present that you wake up with the feelings of having the air sucked out of your chest. For a moment all of the emotions felt during the dream are as real as anything you have ever felt when you were awake.
In this situation I dreamt that I gave in when that moment came. Everything was going great, better than great actually until the end. In the end he walked in and there was no way out of being caught. I had to face what we had done and with that I got to feel all of the emotions that one would normally feel in this situation.
The only difference between what I was feeling during the dream and what I would have felt in real life was that I could wake up from it and know I had not crossed that line. (Of course in my dream state I did not know this.)
I woke up with that knot you get in your stomach when you have done something terrible that you can't take back. It was as if the air had been knocked out of me after being punched in the gut. My mind was desperately looking for anything I could say to talk my way out of the situation, and there was nothing that could be said. I just had to own up to it, face head on what I did.
It was a terrible feeling.
It took a full five minutes before I was awake enough to realize I had not actually done anything wrong and to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not live with myself if I did.

Not only did this dream let me experience the situation without actually having to experience it, but it showed me it was time to leave a situation I was so unhappy in.