Wednesday, April 09, 2008

I'm not pregnant.

Disclaimer: This blog does not end with me announcing that I am pregnant, even though it might look like it is heading that direction, that is not the point.


I have PCOS. One of the wonderful side effects of PCOS is that your hormones go all awry every now and then and you skip your period for months at a time. When it has been three months, you call your doctor and get 5 days worth of hormone pills which leads you to have your period and get back on track. It is kind of like getting a jump start, and once you get this you go another year or two without a problem. When I do go through this I have two choices.
One: I can go to the doctor and get a pregnancy test and get a prescription. They want to be sure you are not pregnant before they give you this prescription.
Two: Since I've had this issue for years and my doctor and I have a good relationship, if I go buy a home test and tell her that I took it with a negative result, she will call in my prescription without making me go into her office. This saves me a lot of time and money.

Easy enough, right?

Wrong.

Now enter my interesting "Get caught with your pants down" type luck I seem to have when I go to the grocery store. You know, that luck that means when I wake up sick and want to run to the store across the street looking like hell in my PJs convinced there is no WAY I could run into anyone who knows me at this ungodly hour... I walk in and right into the cute guy from the office. THAT kind of luck.

Last night I decided to go and buy a test so I could call in a prescription this morning since payday is tomorrow. We go through the store, do our regular shopping, I find a test on sale, last in stock so it is super cheap. Score! I grab it. Darian whispers, "Hope you don't run into anyone you know, they might think you are knocked up!"
We laugh.
We go to the check out.
I choose the one older checker who I know will not even blink or ask questions if I am buying a pregnancy test. I'm really friendly with a few of the checkers who are close to my age, so I know they would be asking a million questions if I went through their line. This guy is a very nervous type and I know he will not want to ask.
He starts to run each item across the scanner without even looking at them.
Bread. BEEP
Bananas. BEEP
Muffins. BEEP
Then I hear, "Hey Michelle!"
I look up, and much to my horror, one of my coworkers gets in line behind us.
I have NEVER seen this particular co-worker in my store before.
And as I make eye contact with him, out of the corner of my eye I see the checker has picked up the pregnancy test. I am thinking, "Just scan it and get it in the bag before the coworker notices! If I keep office guy's eye contact it will be over in a second."
I am literally willing the test into the bag at this point.
The checker swipes it.
NO BEEP.
Swipes it again.
NO BEEP!!
Swipes it a third time.
NO BEEEEP!!!
FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!! BEEP ALREADY!!


The checker stops his steady rhythm of checking and starts to turn the box over in his hands. At this point the coworker notices and looks to see what the hold up is. I see his eye register what it is that is holding up the line, then he looks at me, then at the box and at me again. I'm about to try to rattle off my explanation when the checker says, "Oh, this was on clearance!"
He types it in and in the bag it goes.

I'm sure I was just standing there with my mouth hanging open. The coworker mumbles something about work, it doesn't register, I run my credit card and practically shout, "Have a great night!"
And Darian and I run out the door.

No sooner do we get out the door does Darian look at me and say, "Well, how long do you think it will be before everyone in the office thinks you are pregnant?"
Then she bursts out laughing.
"I'm glad this amuses you!" I snap
"It could only happen to you mom. Only you."

Indeed.

5 comments:

Kratzy said...

I remember once when I was about Darian's age I did the grocery shopping with my Mum. She had very successful slipped a box of condoms into trolley and managed to hide them from me the enitre time - even as we loaded them onto the counter. I think I was too busy reading the latest music mag or something. That was until we got to scanning part... They wouldn't scan and got to the point where they announced over the intercom they needed a price check! Murphy's law indeed. My Mum almost died of embarrassment.

Deb H said...

Best laugh I've had in a while, after I got through the thill & shock of the picture, before reading the top disclaimer that is!!! Thanks Honey-girl!Love you, Mom.

Bree said...

i LOVE when you shout at people because you are nervous! i can see this completely happening.

ha.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

I would have pointed to Darian behind her back. :) Then, when people at work asked me about my pregnant teenage daughter, I would just look away, maybe even cry a little.

Michelle Auer said...

Kratzy- That is SO funny about the condoms! I bet she was praying you were not going to ask too many questions!

Mom- That disclaimer was for you, because when I wrote it I thought you would log on and think I was pregnant for a minute. Haha!

Bree- Yes, it was almost equal to the cute pizza delivery guy incident. *blush*

S.M.- You are not the first to suggest I should have pointed at her. I don't think anyone would buy that my honor roll student was suddenly knocked up. She is very conservative. Anyone who has ever met her would never believe it. AND when I get flustered, I can't think on my feet at ALL, hence the shouting Bree mentioned.

 

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