2:45 AM

Every morning you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and you say:
"Today I'm going to be happy."
You go through the lists of things in your head that you are going to do right today.
I'm going to eat right
I'm not going to procrastinate
I'm going to pay my bills
I'm going to put up the Christmas tree
I'm going to go Christmas shopping
I'm going to do the dishes
I'm going to do the laundry
I'm going to rehearse that song
I'm going to finish that project
I'm going to be productive
I'm not going to waste time
I'm not going to watch Television
I'm not going to play The Sims
I'm not going to play any number of the online word games I am addicted to
I'm not going to watch DVD's
I'm not going to daydream
I'm not going to daydream
I'm not going to daydream...

Every day starts with the best intentions.
You know what they say about good intentions.
No really, do you know what they say about good intentions?
I used to know, but I forgot and I don't feel like looking it up.


I really wish I liked the holiday season, but I really don't. I don't ever remember liking the holidays. Maybe I did once, but those memories escape me today.
The holidays totally stress me out. I start to get uncomfortable on November 1st and it moves it's way up to a near panic by December 25th. I only look forward to New Years Eve every year because, for me, it is the party that means; "You don't have to do this again for another 365 days! Hooray!"

On a happier note, I went to the doctor last week and it seems I am doing much better than I was this time last year. My ovaries are still pretty much useless and I will never have another baby, and that is OK because I wasn't planning on more anyhow, but the rest of me is a helluva lot healthier. I've been managing my insulin levels better by actually taking my drugs on time every day like I am supposed to and not eating or drinking anything with sugar or alcohol in it since September. This has resulted in me losing 20 something pounds and getting my body back to normal. (I let myself get absolutely chubby over the summer with my overindulging in things my sad little pancreas can't process) It does feel good to have my normal body back again and have my clothes fit right and like how I look naked again. I don't think I will be trying to push that envelope anymore as I am no longer a kid and I have every intention of meeting my future great grand children. Let's just call my summer of overindulgence an experiment in figuring out where the line is. Now I know where it is, and I will respect it.

I think sometimes I forget that even though I am headstrong I am not invincible.